It's weather like this that makes me wish I was uncircumcised so my penis can feel like it's wearing a turtleneck sweater.

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like sniffing non-toxic markers.

Ladies, guys want to be tied down in a relationship as much as you want to be tied up to a radiator.  Dyslexic chicks can bowl me.  Say cheese! Semen contains zinc and calcium, both of which are proven to prevent tooth decay.  Men can be just as emotional as women and nothing brings out these emotions like great sex.  Guys, if you host a party, never serve and appetizer bigger than your penis.  Anal sex is overrated or at least that is what I tell myself after numerous failed attempts.  Ladies, if a guy asks you how your day was that means he wants a blow job.  Another good indicator that your man wants a blow job is when he has a pulse.  Ladies, when a guy says your friend is nice that means it's time for a threesome.  Viagra is God's joke on older women who thought they no longer had to have sex with their husband.  Guys, if a girl tells you that you're the best she's ever had don't be shocked when she also says that she was a virgin.  Ladies, if you can't afford a vibrator try hooking up with Michael J. Fox (you know if I said that on Facebook I'd lose numerous "friends".  I wonder if I'll lose any here).  Guys, a good place to meet girls is at yoga and if that fails you learn yoga so you'll be able to blow yourself.  Female's guide to profile pics: 1) Hold out camera with left hand 2) Turn head right & look at camera 3) Duck lips 4) Take picture 5) Repeat until sexy.  Ladies, yeast infections are not practical ways to get men even though you are attempting to smell like beer (yeah, that's going to do the trick...I bet I'll lose 3 friends after that one)

I wish I had a musical zipper that played "Stranglehold" whenever I lowered it.

Remember when I said I was making some big stock market moves?  I'm investing in myspace.  I think it's going to be the next big thing.

It seems that this lawsuit against Brett Favre claims he tries to get people to have sex with him via text messages instead of a pay phone like the rest of us and the odd thing is the people suing Favre are massage therapists so when the lawsuit is settled Favre won't be getting a happy ending.  But Favre was already fined for causing irreparable harm to a defenseless receiver.  And when he got hit and had a concussion, they knew he couldn't play when he sent a a girl a picture of him with his pants on.  God blessed Favre with athleticism but when it came to Favre's junk, God didn't pick 6 which has lead people to shout "Four" when Brett Favre is around.  Who am I kidding?  He's more of a man than me but at least I've thrown less interceptions.

My career as a song writer faltered because I found it near impossible to rhyme anything with "cock gobbler".

I've been waiting in the bathroom at the local Arby's for two hours for employees to come wash my hands.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

If every time an angel gets his wings, then every time I wake up with melted chocolate from a chocolate Santa, I'll die alone.

You know what gets my goat?  People who steal livestock.

I wish the new year was like dodgeball; if I get hit then I am out for the rest of the year.  Speaking of which 2010 was so depressing because it was mostly about foreclosures and unemployment.  Let's make 2011 about lap dances and you sending me some photos to keep secure for you.

Who would have thought such a cute little thing could grow up to be such a deviant?
Ladies and Gentlemen...Mr. Conway Twitty...