I’ve have worked in fast food well not so much.  I recently took a massive dump at a McDonald’s that was so intense it should have garnered me a pay check.

One man’s trash is another man’s daughter.

When I lost the spelling bee in the 5^th grade my teacher said I was a sore looser.

What was over the head of the guy who came up with the idea of drawing a lightbulb over the head of someone with an idea?

I have 99 problems and counting to 100 is 1.

Confucius said that your wife is like a vacuum cleaner, if stops sucking then you replace the bag.  If balls had ears, that would be really weird.  I don’t ask if the sex was good after it was over because I don’t care…I got mine.  Girls you should take pride in your beejs, you can’t buy publicity like that unless you release a sextape.  Nostophobia is the fear of returning home especially by guys covered in glitter returning home 3 hours after the curfew their wives gave them.  Guys, no one is impressed by the freestyle piss you take 3 feet away from the urinal with your hands on your hips especially not the janitor or your significant other who usually is one and the same.  I hate the person who invented the padded bra because headlights were meant to be seen in cold weather.  Girls if you don’t like football just go in the other room to watch your stupid lifetime unless it is How I Met Your Mother.  I like that show and I have a weird theory that the show will end and the person narrating will actually be Marshall and why is it that an adult Ted has a different voice when he’s older.  That doesn’t happen unless you are Paul McCartney and dead and they replaced you with a lookalike.  Guys if you find a girl that enjoys football, grab her and never let her go but don’t let the refs see you because they may flag you for holding.  A good way to tell if your partner is awesome is to put in a porno with nothing but threesomes.  I don’t have advice on this but I’m asking, how does one return a defective condom?  The surgeon general should put a warning on all alcohol saying it may cause pregnancy.  Ladies, remember that a stork brings a baby but a swallow won’t.  Don’t be fooled, Taco Bell is an excellent location for a first date.  Guys when she says, “I think we should see other people,” she’s really saying “I want to screw other people”.  The best way to prevent a pregnancy is to listen to what she’s talking about because sometimes listening to them speak is like passing a kidney stone but, ladies, if you want him to pay attention and win the argument do it topless.  For the older folks, the best way to see if you’re too old to have sex is to do the deed and if you die then you die happy.

Quick, log off, your boss is standing behind you!
And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

Florida is now the only state without snow.  Who are the stupid ones now?  Oh yeah, people in Florida.

My girlfriend says I’m great in bed.  Damn…now I have to update my resume.

The more I drink, the funnier I get, at least that is what my voices in my head are telling me.

My girlfriend drives me to drinking and then when I’m finished she picks me up and drives me home.  Sorry, jokes about alcoholism are in pour taste.

Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is waking up next to a dirty slut.

A good way to cheer yourself up is to change your birth date on Facebook.

And it’s true, I have hired people to do these posts.  I pay my voices very nicely although I don’t provide health insurance for obvious reasons…they’re all illegal aliens.

OK, on a serious note, the Ladies Only All-Naked Twister tournament will be at my place this weekend from 8AM Saturday morning until 10PM Sunday evening.  See you there!

I know some dicks here don’t think I’m funny but if I could please every dick out there then I’d be your mother.