I’ve decided I’m going to stick around Xanga for quite some time because of something I did over at the Facebook.  Let’s just say I have an elevated sense of myself but then I’m more popular than Jesus…Jones.

Masturbating in a shower is ok until you lose your gym membership

Rascal Flatts is the Nickleback of country music.  And why is it that after I listen to Nickleback, I don’t want to shower or clean my hair for months?

When I was a kid they thought I was dumb for trying to push a round peg into a square slot.  As an adult this behavior is praised.

I’m trying to figure out what we had before Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, and Xanga.  Bathroom stalls?

I wouldn’t bang Snookie...oops I mean Cum Ditch...for all the missing teeth in Minnesota.  Sorry to residents of Minnesota, I'm sure you hate having your state mentioned in the same breath as Cum Ditch.  Maybe I should have said "all the missing fingers in Wisconsin".  I think, if you want to be a farmer here, you have to lose multiple fingers.

Garlic butter and Cocoa butter are not interchangeable as lubes; I learned the hard way.  If you are into cybering, tell the girl that your dick is like a rearview/side mirror, objects are smaller than they appear and if you want to get some go look for pics of girls who make the duck face pose and slap your genitals all over those lips.  The best way to get laid is to treat the queens like trash and the trash like queens.  You could be having great sex right now but you are reading this, way to stick to your priorities.  If a woman who is in an abusive relationship is flirting with you, you better not hit that.  If you ever find yourself in a rough spot in a relationship, ask yourself “what would Tiger Woods do” and then do the opposite.  Guys, if a girl closes her eyes during sex, she’s just not that into you and probably picturing me.  How is a four hour boner a bad side-effect of Viagra?  If sex with your significant other has left you scratching your head, you need to get to a doctor.  If your girlfriend says she’s not attracted to any of her female friends, you need to find her new friends.  If a girl says she doesn’t want to fight that’s code for “You’re wrong and are never going to win no matter what so give me money so I can go shopping.”  Skinny jeans don’t hide fat genes.  I’ve often thought that saving virginity for someone special is like saving a piss or crap for the special toilet and is it any wonder why I am celibate.  I question why God gave women teeth.  Asking a girl at the bar what her zodiac sign is will still not get you laid.  Guys say they shoot from the hip because that is the general location of genitals.  When I see a woman scratching their genitals I am speechless so I let my erection do the talking.  Hot chicks don’t turn me down in my mind.  The biggest part of a relationship is trust; you have to trust that a girl won’t bite your junk.  So I talk a lot about sex because sex is always on my mind because I have been labeled a dickhead…god, I miss my grade school principal...I'm not so little any more, now am I? 

The best ego-trip these days is to tell all your friends that you are deleting your Xanga or Facebook so you can masturbate to all their comments begging you not to leave.

And now, your weekly dose of motivation:

Look at the "Equality" one.  Look at the woman in the upper right corner.  Did I miss Owen Wilson's movie about playing on a hockey team whose mascot was "the Swastikas"?

Do you think the Zodiac Killer took this new sign into account when he killed people?  Maybe he was trying to tell us that we were wrong and he killed to teach us the error of our zodiac calendar.

I had a friend invite me out to the Olive Garden yesterday; today I have one less friend.  Chef Boyardee is more Italian than Olive Garden.

Native American strip clubs never took off because strippers actually did make it rain.

I’ve hit it big.  I just got an email telling me I won $1,000,000 and all I have to do is give them my name, address, social security number, and credit card information.  Sweet, a million bucks!

Do you realize how awesome it would be to watch porn at Cowboys Stadium?  We should totally sneak in to watch because it’s not like they’re using it this weekend.

I am no longer going to use these for my pulses because they take away from these posts as if they really are funny.

It’s no longer cool to type “that is all” at the end of posts so that is all.