Some content...well it's never safe for work so why are you even here?

Jay Cutler had a mystery injury while having sex with his girlfriend.  I was called in as a replacement.

I was having cyber sex with a girl.  I asked how I was and she said, “It was OK.”  If I wanted that type of reaction, I’d have real sex with her.

Having a job is like having a kid, you take care of it so it will prosper but sometimes it pisses and shits all over you.

Guys, if you are terrible in the bedroom you better be Bob freakin’ Villa at fixing stuff around the house.  Guys should never lie to their friends because that is what there girlfriends are for.  If you want a positive view of love and sex never watch porn, they raise the bar way too high and they should all be titled “Shit that will never happen to you”.  You should always wear a wrinkled shirt to a strip and make sure your partner notices how wrinkled it is…trust me.  If you ever want to get laid again, remove the plastic balls from your truck.  Here’s a good pick-up line: “I’m sleepy and I forgot my pillow, can I borrow your breasts?”  Be careful when having sex with a cougar, it could land you in the morgue.  The best part of having a girlfriend whose homeless is that when you break up with her, you can drop her off anywhere.   My last girlfriend and I had a love/hate relationship; I hated her because she loved sleeping with my friends.  Want to spice up your life?  Eat a few habaneras before you kiss someone.  Girls, you should not that each day you sit down and spend hours putting on make-up there is a clown somewhere in the world doing the same exact thing.  If a woman ever tells you that “you’re full of yourself” just tell her that “you’re about to be filled with me”.  Ladies, if you think that every man wants a blowjob, well then you’re a freakin’ mind reader.  Drink water when dry-humping because it is the number one cause of dehydration.

And now, here's your weekly dose of motivation:

 

Farting is nature’s way of saying, “Stay away!”

They banned me from the Laundromat when someone saw my t-shirt that said “I touch your underwear when you’re gone”.

The best part of being homeless is that you never wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

Reality shows are great because you get to see dysfunctional people without looking in a mirror.

Facebook is great because I can see where everyone is from and then avoid them.

The true measure of manhood is how many grocery bags one can carry.  I am a 10 bag man.

Did you know that R Kelly wrote the song “Black and Yellow” and it was about his girlfriend?  I bet you’re now looking for that song’s facts.

Isn’t it odd that women won’t remember to pick up milk or tampons on their way home but they will remember the time three years ago when you said their friend was hot?

My friend, Rick Shaw, always hates when I call him up asking to get a ride to the store.

I know I got really emo this afternoon and I guess it hurt to see a post on the front page that was blatantly racist and an attack against one member of a group I belong to is an attack on me.  I think there is a horrible double standard around Xanga when it comes to race.  Oh well, I put it in the hands of the Jewish Anti-Defamation League and if Xanga is smart they will listen.  And I've deleted and blocked those who applauded that behavior so if anyone asks, I can't be associated with people who harbor anti-Semitic feelings.

Take care.  And I love going out with Pterodactyl porn!