I guess after writing my Two and a Half Men script, the writing bug has taken me over even if people don't read it.  A lot of people may not realize it but the reality shows are scripted or at least they have writers to make up storylines to keep the shows interesting.  Don't believe me?  Check the credits.  I've decided to dabble with Pawn Stars.  Pawn Stars is probably one of the few reality shows that I think is decent but that's mostly because of the historical content of the items that people attempt to sell at the shop.  It's hard to believe that show has survived.  When I first heard about it being on History Channel, I figured it wouldn't last but it has and it's inspired many other pawn shop shows across my cable box.  There is even an app on Facebook based on Pawn Stars.  It has really taken off and now I want a piece of the action.

Cast:
Rick Harrison, owner of the Gold and Silver Pawn Shop.  Rick has a lot of friends and has said that to be in the pawn business you have to be shrewd and cheap.  Trust me, Rick is the shrewdest and cheapest.
Old Man, Rick's father.  He is a cantankerous old man and he finds fault in everything.
Corey "Big Hoss" Harrison, son of Rick.  He has been handed everything in life with a silver spoon.  Rocks have more common sense and charisma than Big Hoss.
Chumlee, a mentally handicapped friend of Big Hoss.  If you thought Big Hoss was stupid, your brain will bleed at Chumlee's doltishness. 

Sellers are going to try to make some money.
Expert, Rick's friend who knows everything there is to know about anything.  Even though he looks Amish, he can make or break your deal at the Gold and Silver Pawn Shop.

Outside Gold and Silver Pawn
I'm here today to sell my one of a kind item at the Pawn Shop today.  I hope to get $5,000,000.
Inside Gold and Silver Pawn
Hi, what can I do for you today?
I possess Hitler's mustache and would like to sell it today.  I found it at a garage sale in Union Center, WI and I need the money.
Hitler's mustache?  Do you have paperwork to verify that?
Yes, right here.  It's in perfect condition.
You see, son, I'm not sure about this because in those days a lot of people had mustaches.
I'll tell you what I'll do.  I'm going to call my friend who's an expert at Hitler's mustaches and he'll appraise it for us.

Outside Gold and Silver Pawn
I'm here today to sell my one of a kind automobile that is powered by Twinkies.
Hi, what can I do for you today?
I have this car that's powered by Twinkies and I'd like to sell it for $20,000?
Well it only has 3 wheels, there's no windshield, it's leaking numerous fluids.  My dad would kill me if I bought it.
Come on, Big Hoss, TWINKIES!
How about $18,000?
Gee, I have to make money and I don't think there's much of a market for Twinkie powered cars.
Exactly, you'd be the first and you'd make us famouser.
You would be the only person in the world to have a Twinkie powered car.
You drive a hard bargain.  Deal, $18,000.
I'll go do the paperwork as long as I can drive it first.

Scene 2
Earlier today we had a guy come in trying to sell us Hitler's mustache.  I have a friend who's an expert at Hitler's mustaches coming in.
Hi, Rick. What do you have for me?
I bought Hitler's mustache at a garage sale.
Ah, yes...Hitler's mustache.  See many people wore mustaches in those day and I've seen a lot of fakes but this is Hitler's mustache and you can tell here by the anti-Semitic remarks ingrained in the hair. I'd say at auction, this mustache would fetch $5,000,000.
Thanks for coming in, expert.  Now, how much do you want to sell it for?
Well, expert said it was worth $5,000,000 so how about $5,000,000?
No, you damn fool!  We're a business and we need to make money.
He's right.  I need to make money and I don't think there's a market out there looking to buy Hitler's mustache.  How about $5?
Really?  How about 2,000,000?
The best I can do is $25 and that's really putting my business at risk.
OK, deal.
Lets go do the paperwork and you can watch me write the price tag for the price I'll sell it at...$5,000,000.
Ah son, you damn fool, you're going to drive me to the poor house.  A tick hound with fleas on his balls has more sense than you.  I need to lie down.

Scene 3
Hi, how can I help you today?
I have the Shroud of Turin and I'd like to sell it.
Isn't that a video game?  Why does it look like a stained table clothe?
You damn fool, you're giving me chest pains.
Hahaha...I work with idiots.  Do you have any paperwork?
No but the guy I bought it from guaranteed it was real.
Well I'd need to call in my friend who's an expert at the Shroud of Turin to find out if this is real.  I like it and I'm insulting you questioning it's authenticity.
Well, Rick, I was just hanging around in the parking lot because I knew you'd need help because you don't know anything about anything. 
Well, Expert, is this the Shroud of Turin?
Yes, and here's proof, smell it.  That is 100% Jesus.  I'd say it's worth about $5,000.
Thanks for hanging out in the parking lot.  How much do you want to sell it for?
Well I'd like at least $4,000
See I have to eat and as you can see by my friends and family, we really like to eat.  I'll have to pass.
Come on, Rick.  You could wear it like a cape and fly around Las Vegas because you'd have Jesus' super powers.
OK, and because I like you and I like Jesus, I'll offer $2,500.
Deal.
  OK let's go fill out paperwork and you can watch me sell it for millions.
You are going to be the death of me.

Scene 4
Earlier today I bought a Twinkie powered car.  Chumlee and I took it to a body shop to have it fixed up.  They charged us $100,000 so now I've put $118,000 into this car.  My dad is going to kill me.  He's going to kill me even more because when we drove it home, Chumlee started to eat the Twinkies and the car lost power and crashed into a light pole.  The Twinkie powered car is totaled.
You lost that much money?  You idiot!
Oh I'm going to take a nap on a pile of money or I'll have a heart attack.
We'll be OK, I bought Hitler's mustache and that will make us a lot of money.  Wait, where's Hitler's mustache?
OOPS!  I thought it was a Cheeto.
Oh you damn fool.  You are about as worthless as a pig with hooves stuck in the mud on a wagon wheel.
OK, we have the Shroud of Turin to help us make money.
Yeah, I sort of got sick after eating the Hitler Cheeto.
That's it! Chumlee it's coming out of your paycheck and it's also coming out of your paycheck, Cory, because I expect you to keep your retarded friend Chumlee on a leash.
That's not fair!  How am I supposed to buy Ed Hardy clothes that don't fit?  Oh yeah, you give me everything I want so no big deal.
Oh you damned fools, I'm going to go kill myself because all of you are like the snake with it's ass in the wagon wheel stuck in molasses on the hottest day of the year.

Roll credits.

Some content not safe for work.
I'm here for some more links.  I know a few of you loyal readers love these so I will appease you.  It's just difficult to do this since I have a cat standing in front of me.

1.  I really don't know how to describe this one.  It's called Catalog Living and is basically a look at how people in catalogs live or at least just their digs.  All I can think of is Fight Club.

2.  This might be one of my favorite tumblrs of the week.  It's called Godzilla Haiku and is a collection Godzilla photos with haikus.  Godzilla destroys all/All Asians fear Godzilla/he only wants friends...I should so be a poet.

3.  Have you ever posed for a photo and then when you saw it you noticed that either you or some of the others had a forced smile?  Well here is a collection called Smile Like You're Dead Inside.  I'm surprised I'm not on there because I hate having my photo taken and usually force my smile. And if I don't force my smile the people who pose with me do because I am such a monster.

4.  Are you looking for a destination for spring break?  Keep Schrute Farms open as a possibility.  It's on Trip Advisor so it has to be legit.

5.  One thing I miss about Minnesota is the state fair.  They had the best food at that thing and plus Tommy Mischke always was hanging around the food tent and I would give him so much hell.  Anyway all the food seemed like it was on sticks because that was some sort of Minnesota state fair rule.  Well here is a collection of foods on sticks that made me reminisce.  Can you guess which is my favorite?

6.  Have you ever wondered what other bands and musical acts would look like if they were Juggalos?  Well now you can.  Are you down with the clown?

7.  I love the internet memes, especially the ones with the multi-colors and the face saying funny things.  Well here is a collection of one of my new favorites...Time of the Month Tiger.  I would never mess with a tiger and never EVER mess with one during that time of the month.

8.  If you hadn't heard by now, it's Oprah's final season.  She has somewhat of a religious cult-like following and the best way to describe it is to look at these faces of women from the last season of Oprah.  In some of those I can't tell if they're having a religious experience or an orgasm.

9.  This website claims to contain the best of the internet so you don't have to go searching.  Well I guess that means my job here is done.

10.  I found this map on National Geographic to be quite intriguing.  It's a map of the most popular surnames in the U.S. by location.  I think all the Amish in my area boosted the Millers and Schneiders.

11.  Here's a fun game.  It's called Klowdz and they show you pictures of clouds and you draw what you see.

12.  Here's an awesome website.  It's of a man from Wisconsin named Mark Madson.  I was introduced to him this past Sunday morning on the Madison news.  You'll have to scroll down to the part about the Packer Mobile to see what the news station was talking about.  I first heard of this guy for his truck in the tree but I never knew his name.  I had seen the photo countless places over the internet and had even posted it on my Xanga.  You can see how devoted Packer fans are and that guy is driving his car to Dallas.  He claims it's aerodynamic so he doesn't get cold.  Oh and if you want to celebrate the Super Bowl in style, here's a collection of Packers bars throughout the country.  Steelers fans enter at your own risk.

You know have the song playing in your head and you will always remember this photo.

Hahaha...Americans!

I pity the fool who doesn't get this.

At least they asked kindly.

I should have posted this Tuesday with my motivation post but...weird, I've had pterodactyl porn and now clown porn...I am going to hell.