He says he loves cookies?  Well I love beer.

Today was my mom's birthday.  I didn't get her anything.  I felt bad.  She called me and asked if I could do some favors for her.  It's been a tough day on her side of the family with all the arrests...just watch CNN.  She had me fill up her car and add Heat and then I had to figure out what was wrong with her Tracphone.  She doesn't like to be tied down to a contract so she gets the Tracphone and of course she has amassed a lifetime of minutes and she forgot to add more so the phone expired.  Well I get it set up after a half hour and then fill her car.  She then informs me that I have to put away her Christmas decorations and set up a digital photo frame I got her for Christmas.  I guess that is present enough.  OK...boring part over...links.

1.  Last week I posted a site about people as bread.  This week we have Cheese People.  Being from Wisconsin, I have found my Mecca.

2.  I really hate airport security.  I don't get it.  Just because I want to sit around the airport all day and stare at people and talk in Arabic on my cellphone doesn't mean they need to feel up my nuts.  Even though the terrorists haven't attacked the U.S. since 9/11, they need to feel my balls before I get on a plane...MAKES SENSE TO ME!  Here's Fun with the TSA.

3.  Have you ever wondered what Courtney Love wore today?  Well here is a site to help...What Courtney Wore Today.  I'm sure it's done by someone in Courtney's camp because they don't include photos of the days she decides to wear the stereotypical barrel held on the shoulders by suspenders.

4.  I always get a kick out of reading Cosmo's sex advice because it is so off or at least none of what they say guys like does this guy like.  Here is an article called Bad Girl Sex that is ruined by a guy.  My favorite is the last one.

5.  I found this website alleviated my fear of elevators because of their advertisements.  Maybe I'm not fearful.  I just avoid them.  There is something about them that when I go up and get off at my floor my body feels like it is still going up.  It's such a weird sensation.  I'm sure the French have a term for it.

6.  Do you have a favorite curse word?  Mine is ****.  Cool the new editing feature works.  Let's see if it posts my social security number ***-**-****.  Wow, that's awesome!  You should totally try posting yours...hehe...anyway, here's a collection of curse words and where they got their origin.  It's hard to believe that the first time ************ was first seen in print in 1933.

7.  I always disliked all the posters in my high school and college advertising the most mundane things.  "Do you like video games?  Don't like them too much and miss chapel"  Trust me that one happened every day for one semester.  Anyway here is a collection of every day posters.  The Elvis one can be seen in my bathroom.

8.  You've heard of LOLCats.  You've heard of the dog equivalent site.  Well, here is Hungover Owls.  Who knew owls were nature's drunks?

9.  Do you fondly reminisce of your childhood?  The internet has many sites for reminiscing but here is another called I'm Remembering.  Funny thing is, I taught The Sign of the Beaver in my classroom...innuendo free. 

10.  I think reality TV is dead and 2010 was the worst year and here are the worst reality series of 2010. 

11.  Remember back in the day when all people had to worry about ruining their career was a photograph?  Well here are ten people whose careers were ruined by photographs.  I still remember the Dukakis in the Tank one.  I think that was the first election that saw me cast a vote but then it was in my 3rd grade class.  Dukakis won because of that tank photo.  I tried to explain to my classmates that he was a weakling and wanted to slash the defense budget.  They didn't listen so I called them poopheads.  I had five minutes taken off my recess.

12.  Flexible girls...I think it's safe for work...I really don't need to say anything other than flexible girls well other than if they're that flexible then they don't need me for anything.  See, just when I get interested in a girl they get flexible.

Don't abuse it.

Don't abuse it

But first...

Best...high school...photo...EVER!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you the future of America.

Facts are a stubborn thing.

Yeah, I have the same thoughts from time to time.

I love Blood Sport.

I bet I had a fox in my computer licking on the tubes when I had computer issues.

I’ve decided I’m going to stick around Xanga for quite some time because of something I did over at the Facebook.  Let’s just say I have an elevated sense of myself but then I’m more popular than Jesus…Jones.

Masturbating in a shower is ok until you lose your gym membership

Rascal Flatts is the Nickleback of country music.  And why is it that after I listen to Nickleback, I don’t want to shower or clean my hair for months?

When I was a kid they thought I was dumb for trying to push a round peg into a square slot.  As an adult this behavior is praised.

I’m trying to figure out what we had before Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, and Xanga.  Bathroom stalls?

I wouldn’t bang Snookie...oops I mean Cum Ditch...for all the missing teeth in Minnesota.  Sorry to residents of Minnesota, I'm sure you hate having your state mentioned in the same breath as Cum Ditch.  Maybe I should have said "all the missing fingers in Wisconsin".  I think, if you want to be a farmer here, you have to lose multiple fingers.

Garlic butter and Cocoa butter are not interchangeable as lubes; I learned the hard way.  If you are into cybering, tell the girl that your dick is like a rearview/side mirror, objects are smaller than they appear and if you want to get some go look for pics of girls who make the duck face pose and slap your genitals all over those lips.  The best way to get laid is to treat the queens like trash and the trash like queens.  You could be having great sex right now but you are reading this, way to stick to your priorities.  If a woman who is in an abusive relationship is flirting with you, you better not hit that.  If you ever find yourself in a rough spot in a relationship, ask yourself “what would Tiger Woods do” and then do the opposite.  Guys, if a girl closes her eyes during sex, she’s just not that into you and probably picturing me.  How is a four hour boner a bad side-effect of Viagra?  If sex with your significant other has left you scratching your head, you need to get to a doctor.  If your girlfriend says she’s not attracted to any of her female friends, you need to find her new friends.  If a girl says she doesn’t want to fight that’s code for “You’re wrong and are never going to win no matter what so give me money so I can go shopping.”  Skinny jeans don’t hide fat genes.  I’ve often thought that saving virginity for someone special is like saving a piss or crap for the special toilet and is it any wonder why I am celibate.  I question why God gave women teeth.  Asking a girl at the bar what her zodiac sign is will still not get you laid.  Guys say they shoot from the hip because that is the general location of genitals.  When I see a woman scratching their genitals I am speechless so I let my erection do the talking.  Hot chicks don’t turn me down in my mind.  The biggest part of a relationship is trust; you have to trust that a girl won’t bite your junk.  So I talk a lot about sex because sex is always on my mind because I have been labeled a dickhead…god, I miss my grade school principal...I'm not so little any more, now am I? 

The best ego-trip these days is to tell all your friends that you are deleting your Xanga or Facebook so you can masturbate to all their comments begging you not to leave.

And now, your weekly dose of motivation:

Look at the "Equality" one.  Look at the woman in the upper right corner.  Did I miss Owen Wilson's movie about playing on a hockey team whose mascot was "the Swastikas"?

Do you think the Zodiac Killer took this new sign into account when he killed people?  Maybe he was trying to tell us that we were wrong and he killed to teach us the error of our zodiac calendar.

I had a friend invite me out to the Olive Garden yesterday; today I have one less friend.  Chef Boyardee is more Italian than Olive Garden.

Native American strip clubs never took off because strippers actually did make it rain.

I’ve hit it big.  I just got an email telling me I won $1,000,000 and all I have to do is give them my name, address, social security number, and credit card information.  Sweet, a million bucks!

Do you realize how awesome it would be to watch porn at Cowboys Stadium?  We should totally sneak in to watch because it’s not like they’re using it this weekend.

I am no longer going to use these for my pulses because they take away from these posts as if they really are funny.

It’s no longer cool to type “that is all” at the end of posts so that is all.

So I'm stuck inside today because schools were either closed for MLK Day or because of snow.  It's hard to say how much we've had because it's blowing around.  One channel says 4 inches and another says 6.  I think I'll go with 6.  I doubt I will get any sleep tonight because the city is doing their snow removal and that usually involves massive trucks and machinery.  They get modified hay balers and tractors and run them through the snow on the streets and that picks up the snow and blows it into a dump truck.  It takes a long time to clear the streets but it gets the job done. 

25 years ago they filmed the classic Rodney Dangerfield movie, Back to School, at UW.  I want to go do a triple lindy to commemorate but the lake is frozen and I like my neck.

I can't do my material now otherwise I won't have anything for tomorrow and we couldn't have that so basically I hate snow.  I also refuse to write about any of the drama other than in irreverent pulses and comments on the major players of Xanga's sites.  I love turning a serious post into something about aliens and Hitler.  Anyway, I kept thinking of a Tom Waits song...I Don't Want to Grow Up. 

This is why I can't take MLK Day seriously.

At least that isn't as bad as how they celebrate Black History Month in Walgreens.

It's such a great town.

I wonder how they explained that one to the DMV.  I had to write an essay explaining my wish for a vanity plate.

Airports really know how to cater to travel weary Wisconsinites.

I bet by now you think we're a bunch of savages in Wisconsin and this doesn't help my case any.  You know you're in Wisconsin when you see a guy pushing a deer carcass in a grocery store to have it butchered and no one bats an eye.

I left this note for my parents when I moved out and went to college.  They never did teach me how to write.  Thank god for college!

And Brett Favre has retired and he's ridden off into the sunset...yeah right...in a month there'll be rumors about him playing for a new team.

Let this guy at Favre...he takes off his helmet and whips his hair back and forth.

I think I need to get this patch for a motorcycle vest.  St. Vince would be proud.

America...you're awesome.

Does "cold blast from Alaska" refer to her frigidity?  I think the IRS may be interested in seeing that video since it appears to be filmed at a church.

I shoveled and watched the House of Payne marathon that was on a Madison station which was supposedly a tribute.

I had a few people complain over my blog titles but it sort of shows that even the people who "don't give a fuck" about Xanga drama are trying to read posts regarding it.  Anyway, it's made me weary so I will have to drop a big bombshell but first...

Pretty much everything I do on Xanga is.

How does your butts feel Pats fans?

What more do you need in life?

I think he could stand to cut back on his beard intake.

Christian Bale

Haha...homophones and homonyms.

Your mind is now blown

Haha...innuendo.

Mel Gibson's new movie...Fetal Weapon.

USE THE FORCE!  Please use the force to find something better than that show about Cleveland.  Not insulting Cleveland, but that show really sucks.

Girls Gone Wild Minnesota Edition.

And let the hate mail pour in.
And if you care...vloggity vlogs...



This guy...Clay Matthews...man that guy is awesome.  Saint Vince is smiling down on the Pack.

I like Aaron Rodgers and thank Xenu he got rid of that mustache.

and look at these fucking cats.  IT'S CATURDAY!

OK, needed to get that out of my system before the game.

Hey, it snowed tonight.  I think we've had about 3 or 4 inches.  The best part was I forgot I had to do some work at my aunt's house while she is on vacation.  I drove through that mess.  I think my top speed was about 40.  I also think I saw a cougar, the animal not the insatiable older lady.  On the way home a pick-up passed me.  I was doing 40 and the roads were horrible but this guy was in a rush and I figured out why, he is a volunteer fireman.  I pulled over to let a few others pass.  Then I parked in the parking lot of a Subway/Dollar General to get my supper.  Then it happened, a fire truck left the station and slid right into a ditch.  I was laughing but I stopped when I realized that someone could be stuck in a car accident or burning house.  Thanks, Captain Bringdown.  Some photos may not be safe for work or life...NSFW and NSFL.

Guess what?  Zac Efron stopped shaving his beard.  Vanessa Hudgens took him back.  What the hell is wrong with her?  The guy cheats on her with anything that has a pulse and a dick and he wears more make-up than RuPaul.  I guess this means he's back in the closet or trying to get a big role. 

Victoria Beckham announced that she is pregnant.  I guess that means she's starving herself for two.  Hopefully this child will be a daughter so she can teach someone in her family how to properly insert a finger into the back of the throat and then go on stage and sing for all she's worth.  She's been having cravings and she indulges on these cravings so now she considers herself fat.  She has been spotted staring twice as long at food and ice water.  She's hopeful that she can lose weight during the pregnancy.  God...I am so fat.  I need some thinspo.

Golden Voice, Ted Williams, got into a fight this week with an estranged daughter who demanded money now that he has new found fame.  He was detained by police.  He then went on the Dr. Phil Show and Dr. Phil convinced Ted to head to rehab.  I really want to be a fan of this story but there is just something not right.  I think this has to be the quickest rise to fame fall from fame story.  As sick as it may sound, I want to hear him cuss me out in his golden voice.  How awesome would that be?

Earlier this week that religious restaurant guy posted a story about how people were up in arms about how Stephanie Seymour was holding her son in an obscene manner.  The thing is, it forced Seymour's son to take to Twitter and announce to the world that he's gay.  Well, the restaurant guy didn't post this photo that shows Stephanie Seymour's son sporting wood.  Can you blame him?  Any orientation would be turned on by her and that flesh colored bikini.

Bless her little heart!  Snooki is trying to prove to us that she knows how to read.  Almost there, sweet heart.

While on this book tour, Snooki has said that she does not want to be called Snooki any longer.  Hmmm what should we call her?  I got it!  Cum Dumpster.  Wait...that's probably a little too harsh and offensive.  Hmmm...Cum Ditch.  For hence forth, Snooki will be called Cum Ditch.



Olivia Munn graced the pages of the recent issue of Maxim.  The cover caused quite a stir and some stores will not carry the issue unless it is put in special wrap.  The funny thing about the photos and cover is that Olivia shows off more skin in Maxim than she did in Playboy.  I think God is finally hearing my prayers.

Olivia also was on Letterman this week.  I heard that she was bizarre but that's her.  She totally faked being a nerd and it hooked me and now I love her.  Sigh...I am really lonely.  Anyone?  Anyone out there?  Please?  I'm house broken.

People claim that Miley Cyrus has turned into a stoner and that the video of her allegedly smoking salvia was actually marijuana.  Miley was spotted with a group of friends at a restaurant this week and they couldn't decide what they wanted to eat so Miley ordered everything off the menu.  People say that this is the action of a marijuana addict suffering from the munchies.  That's bullshit.  A stoner would stay at home and eat a few bags of Doritos.  Who cares if she smokes weed?  She's in L.A. where the only thing they are concerned about is getting an NFL team.  The Los Angeles Vikings...that has a nice ring to it.  You don't think a team from Minnesota could wind up in L.A.  Then obviously you don't understand the meaning of the Lakers' nickname.

Michael Douglas received good news and Jesus received bad news.  Doctors said that his cancer is gone so now they will have to find some other angel to play Gordon Gekko in heaven's adaptation of Wall Street.  Michael is now cancer free and recovering.  He says he wants to gain 30lbs.  Well if he wants to do it in a a couple of days he should contact Kirstie Alley.

Speaking of Kirstie Alley turned 60 this week.  No shit, 60.  I had to look it up myself because I couldn't believe it.  I hope she has a happy birthday and Xenu keeps her away from the cake.  That's not a fat joke, that's a Jenny Craig joke.

Lindsay Lohan is cured!  Actually...no.  She has already been spotted hanging out in bars.  In fact these photos were taken as she was exiting.  I bet she was there reading to blind orphans who lost limbs due to land mines.  That Lindsay is such a humanitarian.

Either Lindsay has taken to blowing tailpipes because she heard that car exhaust is a great high or she's injecting her lips.  I don't get why people think this look is attractive.  Who likes that look?  Maybe I should try writing for Glamour and suggest that the to be "hot", women must wear gorilla suits and shave their heads bald.  I bet within two weeks of that article, we'd see hundreds of bald women in gorilla suits. 

Kim Kardashian took time off from a photo shoot to post this photo on Twitter.  I'm trying to figure out why she posted this for us.  Oh yes, it has to be in honor of Martin Luther King Jr. Day. 

Sigh...I'm lazy.  Insert your own John Travolta and fisting joke here.

I'm not narcissistic like some on Xanga but I think if I was given the chances Jimmy Kimmel has been given and had an army of personal trainers and make-up artists, I could be just as popular as he is.

Jay-Z lived up to stereotypes when he invested in a chicken wing business.  Come on, man!  You can't do that.  That's like an Asian guy investing in Hondas or a Russian girl working for a mail order bride company or white guys like me investing in Rohyphenol and twine.

This is Farrah Abraham.  She's one of the "moms" on MTV's teen mom mess.  See this is proof why MTV needs to set up trust funds or stipulate what the money they pay these kids goes for.  Farrah used her money to buy herself implants.  Every time I hear stories about the kids from MTV's teen mom mess, I want to walk to my kitchen, grab a soup spoon, and give myself a vasectomy.

Hey, Coco posted this on Twitter.  Believe it or not, Coco and I wear that same outfit for doing our housework.

Playboy released this photo on Twitter this week.  They said to guess which star was in this photo.  They claim that the girl on the right is Christina Hendricks.  NO!  If it is it must have been before her breasts got naturally massive.  It would devastate me if those were revealed to be fake.  Actually it wouldn't, I just kind of figured.  Sometimes I think about getting my own implant but I don't think they make an implant for guys.

This is Chris Evans as the new Captain America.  I don't really have any joke here because I am anxious for this movie.  But I guess you could say this one is for the ladies.

This is Andrew Garfield.  He is the new Spiderman.  The most shocking thing about him being the new Spiderman is his contract.  Tobey Macguire wanted a lot of money and Garfield was willing to work for lasagna.  Seriously, you try to write something better.  I've been doing these posts for years.  I deserve to take a bit off now and then.

This is Chet Haze.  He's an aspiring rapper who many claim will be the next Eminem.  OK so maybe not.  He's a small time actor who attends Northwestern University.  He recorded this song about his beloved Northwestern Wildcats.  When I listen to that I picture Barney dancing around blastin' caps in fools.  I really can't stand the song and his father is probably my least favorite actor so by the associative property, I can't stand Chet Haze.


Well it seems as if Charlie Sheen likes to have fun with the ladies.  The Adult Entertainment Expo was in Las Vegas last weekend and Charlie was there with bells on.  I said bells.  His bosses at CBS have been trying to get him to go to rehab but Charlie decided the best rehab was to pound vodka shots with porn stars.  Charlie ended up taking 4 women to his suite and mums the word on what happened.  At first the only woman reported to have had sex with Charlie was Bree Olson, winner of the 2008 Adult Video News award for best anal scene.  I guess this is pretty normal for Charlie.  As long as he's got cash in the bank, he's going to have porn stars on his jock.  I don't know if I believe he was a part of the orgy.  First off, Charlie is a notorious coke fiend and the rumor is that the coke has taken it's toll on his nether region.  Not all the Viagra in the world could help him get a raise.  If he had sex with any of the porn stars it'd be like them chewing on an old piece of steak without any teeth.  Also there weren't any reports of a full petting zoo in his suite.  Later on this week a second woman from Charlie's party was identified.  It was Bombshell McGee.  I think Charlie has gone too far with that one.  He could dress as a priest and try to pick up guys, he could grind up old Crocs and fashion them into dildos, he could make women vomit on him, and that wouldn't be as bad as Bombshell McGee.  So Charlie screwed 4 women?  To some guys that would be the event of a lifetime but to Charlie that's called a Tuesday.  I figure the next report we'll hear on this story will come from the free clinic or the CDC because they won't know what the disease is called.

WTF?  This is AnnaLynne McCord on the set of 90210.  She looks like she's in Avatar drag or is doing a walk of shame from a Smurf orgy.  My guess is that she decided to wear the sum total of all the make-up she's work up to this point in her life.

Say what you will about Amy Winehouse, like she's ugly, you wouldn't screw her with someone else's dick, you'd be afraid your dick would fall off, she scares small children, she looks like Gargamel, she scares large children, she smells, she scares the Hells Angels, a family of raccoons live in her vagina, she scares the mafia even though it doesn't exist, her saliva is banned as a narcotic substance, she has no morals, she has more tracks on her body than Amtrak has in America, she's gross, she eats her own boogers...say all that but you have to admit she has a great rack.

Video Section
It's nice to see Amy Winehouse perform again but in this video we find out why she didn't get a part in Black Swan.

Iceland is hosting a 3 day karaoke marathon.  If you listened to my vloggity vlogs then you'd know I am great at karaoke but I doubt I could clear out that fest.  Anyway, Bjork showed up and covered Joy Division.

I pulsed about it and here is the SFW trailer of The Simpsons Porno.  Seriously, it's safe.  It's on youtube and apparently you can't get nude in that site.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

I don't know if you like these links that I find but I like sharing them and seeing them get reposted on Facebook.  I love that exposure although I am not mention...sad face.  So I was out driving around in a snow storm tonight and talking with Amish.  I took my camera and wanted to interview one for a "documentary" but he said "Nein.  Geh zum Teifel."  I answered "Fick dich!"  Hahaha...German.

1.  This is the perfect website for the anal retentive.  It's called Things Organized Neatly.  I don't know any jokes to go with this one but let's just say I will never make that site unless they count my condoms stash.  They are all still organized neatly within the box.

2.  I live near a tourist town, probably the largest in Wisconsin and for all of you Midwesterners interested, I want to get a head count...hahaha head...for a potential Xanga meet-up in said tourist town of Wisconsin Dells.  Hit me up.  Anyway, living and working in this town has made me hate tourists and their fancy-assed vacations.  One of my goals when I worked in tourist spots was to have some one say "You've ruined my vacation!"  I have had a woman and man scream at me that I've ruined their day.  Never vacation though...sigh.  Anyway here is why I hate tourists, prepare yourself for Hatecation.  Yeah that stuff is stuff I put up with on a daily basis.

3.  I don't like going to a restaurant and eating alone.  It's actually sort of depressing.  I think it's odd to take a long a book and people don't like it if I sit there and carry out a conversation with myself.  I know some of you think I'm joking about how depressing it is so for those doubting Thomases here's Table for One.  God, that makes me want to curl up into the fetal position but my knees ache.

4.  I saw this one today and it was a blast from the past.  It is a collection of the oldest websites on the internet.  It's hard to believe that the oldest have only been around since 1995.  What did we do before internet porn?  Oh yeah, magazines, VHS, dvd, laser discs, 8mm, Betamax, imagination.

5.  Today I saw someone upload numerous spoofs of the popular "Keep Calm and Carry On" posters.  Well here are some that weren't uploaded today.  Keep Calm and keep reading my damn posts.

6.  I know I have a few fans of the zombie genre out there and I found the perfect gift to teach your children the ABCs with a zombie curriculum on Etsy.  Get your child, or hell get yourself, the Zombie ABCs.  I bet you'll never guess what letter Z is.  OK, I'll spoil it, it's zabaglione. 

7.  Manny Ramirez doesn't have a team for the 2011 season so it looks like he has a new gig.  Psss....it's from The Onion like that video of congress' censored session where they talked about putting residents in concentration camps and a Christian group on Facebook thought they were coming from them.  Yeah, totally real.

8.  I know I am quite boring.  Want to make my vloggy-vlogs more interesting?  Well if you said "yes," here's the Benny Hillifier.  You stick in the url and it will make me Benny Hillesque.  YOU'RE WELCOME!

9.  Here is an interesting site where a man chronicles how R Kelly is moving into his office building.  It's called I Work Down the Hall from R Kelly.  I just hope they don't share a bathroom.

10.  The bizarre, as if the others aren't bizarre enough for you, website of the week is Bread People.  Words can't begin to describe.

11.  The adult website of the week is simply called Christmas Porn.  I was going to make a special post of Christmas themed adult situations but...I didn't have time.  I figure Christmas has been commercialized by the stores so why not let the porn industry have a slice of the pie.

12.  This week's Rob_of_the_Sky website is a collection of made-up words from The Simpsons.  It's a totally outrageous proactive paradigm.  Wait those are real words...I'm so ashamed, time to go rest my legs because my Chester A. Arthritis is acting up.


I don't know which is creepier.

Because I'm totally fair and mentally unbalanced.  Maybe the reason why Obama is hiding the birth certificate is because...no, it can't be.  Maybe Glenn Beck can get people to shower the White House with letters and emails to have the president explain why he resembles Ted Williams.  They could call it the Golden Shower Movement...ok so not my best effort.

I know a certain someone who'll be getting this as a Valentine from me.

Yep, it's like staring in a mirror.

I am flying to Germany for an emergency session of Bundestag to make this the new official flag of Germany.

Yep, that is where I see the church going these days.

And I got this in the mail from a mamabear99654.  Apparently I've angered Palin fans with my rhetoric in my pulse flare up as well as a facebook flare up...sounds like I was spreading herpes.  Attached with the photo was a note..."Only socialists like the Red Sox".

Maybe it had something to do with my posting of this.  Good thing that idea of being in politics was only a phase.