I didn't post this on Friday because I went to visit my friends and godchild.  She is amazing.  Then I went to a haunted bar which I will have to post about tomorrow.  The Academy Award...who's watching, seriously?  Anyway, here's the round up...NSFW and NSFL.  The secret word for this entry is "wait".

On a recent episode of The Jersey Shore, The Situation was spotted doing coke on the dance floor.  This isn't the first time he's accused of doing coke on the show.  People close to the show say the cast is good at avoiding the cameras but this time The Situation was caught.  You know with all the shows on MTV why aren't the religious right and the Tea Baggers storming MTV headquarters with pitchforks?  Look at what they put out...Jersey Shore...Teen Mom...Skins...come on!  A girl recently made me watch an episode of Jersey Shore because I knock it all the time yet I hadn't watched a full episode.  The Situation comes off as psychotic idiot who explodes at people and tries to make others miserable if they don't do what he wants or if he feels bad so they should feel bad as well.  He's a spoiled kid who takes steroids and has a fucked up haircut and who wears shirts too small for him because he needs to sop up all the fake tanner and will dry hump women at the drop of a that.  What would make a guy act like that?  Oh yeah, cocaine.

OK there was a time when I found Roseanne attractive.  There I said.  And because I hate you, here's a current pic.  Yep, this is payback for your support of anti-Semitic behvaior on Xanga.  Look at this Jew.

Good news!  Randy Quaid will never face charges for criminal vandalism in the United States.  Canada has refused to extradite him because his wife is a Canadian citizen and she has sponsored Randy to become a citizen.  Damn...we are losing Cousin Eddie.  I had a feeling if there was a new National Lampoon's Vacation movie it would feature Cousin Eddie becoming a citizen of Canada.  They are both insane and I guess this is a fair trade since Canada gave us Avril Lavigne.

HELL YES!  I CAN NOT WAIT!  AAAAHHHHHHH I SAID THE SECRET WORD!

Paris Hilton and her boyfriend were spotted this week shopping for engagement and wedding rings.  People close to her have said she is also shopping for a wedding and that she wants it to be a once in a lifetime event.  I'm sorry Paris but you live in Hollywood and the first wedding is just an appetizer.  Most "stars" don't get settled until the third marriage.

Here we we see the Olsen Twins with their dog.  Only one of them doesn't have fleas.  Can you guess which one?

Billy Ray Cyrus was supposed to be on The View this week but Miley threw a fit and he canceled his appearance.  She was livid because of the things he said in GQ magazine and didn't want him airing any more dirty laundry.  Billy Ray has portrayed himself as a selfless hero but I'm starting to see the gun pointed at the back of his head.

Mariah Carey has spent upwards of $1million for her nursery.  Some things that have been bought include designer clothes, music system, diamond encrusted iPods, a flatscreen TV that descends from the ceiling, state of the art cribs, changing tables, and reclining massage chairs for those late night feedings.  Her kids will be brats and will grow up to think the world revolves around them sort of like Lindsay, Britney, Xtina, Lady Gaga, Madonna, Gwyneth, Paris, Miley...oh I could go on.

Lindsay Lohan was in court this week and the judge said he didn't care  who she was and if she cops a plea she will go to jail and no where else.  So this means that Lindsay faces serving at least a year in jail for theft or go to trial.  Maybe it was jail or foot massages for a year.  I don't know, this is the California penal system.

Lindsay is also back with Sam Ronson who tweeted this week that Lindsay was sleeping next to her while they were watching Grey's Anatomy.  For once Lindsay has made a wise decision in sleeping through Grey's Anatomy.  The backs of my eyelids are more interesting than that show but then that may be because of some illegal substances from my wild youth.  Hopefully Sam can get better taste in TV than her taste in women.

This is Kellan Lutz.  This is for the ladies since my regular writings seem to be so mammory-centric.  I'm sorry but the body screams "Jolly Green Giant" and the brain screams "ho ho ho".

Maybe with all the money he saves in paying child support if he covers his stump before he humps, Kanye West could fund Planned Parenthood.

Justin Bieber cut his hair and all the Bieber fever sufferers are suffering all the more.  I hope he loses all his power much like Samson.  Lesbians who looked like Justin Bieber have let out a sigh of relief.  I wonder why he cut it.  Drug tests?  Maybe Selena Gomez was jealous that he had the longer hair in their relationship.

Holly Madison was in Las Vegas at the Planet Hollywood for something or other.  I'm sure the people at that restaurant were just looking for a way to get her to bend over and expose her ginormous rack.  Jokes on them, she would have done it for as low as $500.

George Takei sent this out via Twitter.  I want to know what you think it means.  If I get enough repsonses I'll tell you want I think he thought it meant.

I remember before Barack Obama was picked by Bohemian Grove to become president, people talked about George Clooney running for office.  Well in the recent Newsweek Clooney said he wouldn't run because he's "fucked too many chicks and did too many drugs".  Hey, that never stopped George Bush or Barack Obama or well what president hasn't fucked too many chicks or did too many drugs?  Jimmy Carter?

The look of sheer terror on that kid's face is understandable given that Gary Busey is within 15 miles of him but I think I'm still going to call CPS.

A rumor is circulating that Christina Aguilera took her new boyfriend to a family gathering and while the family was eating she excused herself and took her boyfriend to have sex in the bathroom near the dining room and it was loud and the people at the dinner were quite uncomfortable.  Of course sex is the best way to break up the boredom of a family reunion...wait,  I should rephrase that or make it sound less dirty...sex with people who you are not related to is the best way to break up the boredom of a family get together.  If I have to hear about Aunt Mildred's swollen ankles one more time I'm going to bring a hooker to a reunion.  I'd rather be coming than going to a family reunion...or something like that...gah...forever alone.

Remember 2 years ago when Rihanna was beat up by her boyfriend Chris Brown and TMZ refused to print photos of Rihanna because they were too gruesome?  Well this is one of those photos.  Chris Brown probably claims she just fell down 70 flights of stairs.  So why does a guy who is destined to be forever alone feel like I want to inflict harm on Chris Brown?

Photos have surfaced of Bam Margera with a woman who is not his wife and who happens to be 17 years old.  I always thought Bam was sort of sleazy but this is further proof.  How does one land a 17 year old girl in order to have an affair?  Top shelf booze!

Amber Portwood from MTV's Teen Mom recently sold nude pics to Radar Online and if you want to wash your eyes out after seeing Roseanne click here.  The reason she posed nude is because she thinks she is an aspiring pin-up model and she wants to exercise her freedom of expression.  Well let me express this...she is probably only posing nude because of the sky-rocketing price of meth or she doesn't want to get a real job.

It's baseball season which means I have The Sandlot in my DVD rotation.  It looks like Yeah-Yeah and Ham have grown up.  Ham hasn't changed a bit but Yeah-Yeah looks like a Jersey Shore reject who had to settle for Jerselicious.

Britney Spears is being sued by the Bellamy Brothers for the likeness of her new song to their hit from 1979.  Come on, how can anyone that looks like Britney be taken seriously?  You can't tell her she needs to consult an attorney because she probably thinks an attorney is some sort of horse or a pie eating contest.

Ramon Estevez wants us to leave his son Carlos alone and has said this: "He's doing well. We pray for him. If he had cancer, how would you treat him? This disease of addiction is a form of cancer. You have to have an equal measure of concern and love and lift him up."  Maybe Ramon should be saying that to his son Carlos. 

Kacey Jordan, one of Charlie Sheen's harem, admitted to Radar Online that she had an abortion: "I had the abortion last Thursday, I went home to Oregon to have it because that is where I grew up. I was sick and on the couch all day. I think it might have been too soon to be Charlie's baby, but you never know. I get pregnant very easily. Charlie and I tried to use protection... I kept having to put it on again. I don't want people to think I just had sex with him and didn't try to use one. I was just impressed he was able to finish really. A week earlier I had been with another celebrity, so it could of been his, but I can't talk about him because I had to sign a release."  I...get...pregnant...very...easily?  WHAT?  THE?  FUCK?  OK when I taught sex ed. I told the kids that they should imagine unprotected sex like standing in a hallway and someone firing a machine gun at you and not expecting to get hit by a bullet.  Christ...she really is giving Planned Parenthood a great name.  It's not like she doesn't use condoms in her film or hasn't already had 4 abortions.  So yeah...let's keep abortion legal for the brain dead.  She also had this to say: "I had a sugar daddy in New Jersey for 5 months, he bought me everything but then, he put the lockdown on me and I felt like I couldn't do anything, and he was in control. You know, you get used to that lifestyle, then you end up having to do everything he says so you can keep it. I want to make my own money so I have freedom.  It is better to have lots of sugar daddies and rotate them. Yes, I want multiple sugar daddies."  What a modern independent woman!  I think she should go on Jerry Springer because she could supply him with a whole season's worth of shows.  Feminism!  Maybe Rolling Stone should ask Justin Bieber what he thinks of her having 4 abortions since he can't even think of one.

Charlie Sheen went on the Alex Jones show for an interview.  OK I have often thought that Alex Jones is pretty crazy himself but Charlie took the cake.  Let's start off with what Charlie thinks of one of America's founding fathers: "Thomas Jefferson was a pussy."  Well after seeing the John Adams series I might have to agree.  Charlie had this to say about his haters: "They lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, 'I can't process it.' Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show."  Joke's on you, Carlos, I'm single and forever alone.  Charlie had this to say about AA: "I was shackled and oppressed by the cult of AA for 22 years. I finally extracted myself from their troll hole and started living my life the way I want to live it. It’s vintage, outdated and stupid and it’s followed by STUPID people. I hate them violently. They will come at me. Debate me on AA right now. I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it right now with my mind. I cured it, I'm done! ”  Believe it or not, I sort of agree.  Then Charlie had this to say about Two and a Half Men's creator Chuck Lorre: "I violently hate Chaim Levine. He's a stupid, stupid little man and a pussy punk that I'd never want to be like. That's me being polite. That piece of shit [Lorre] took money out of my pocket, my family's pocket, and, most importantly, my second family -- my crew's pocket. You can tell him one thing. I own him."  Well this interview didn't set well with Warner Brothers or CBS so they released this statement: "Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen's statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of 'Two and a Half Men' for the remainder of the season."  I think the writers are preparing for next season and are calling it One and a Half Men.  Of course Charlie fired back with an open letter to fans sent to TMZ: What does this say about Haim Levine [Chuck Lorre] after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows ... I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.  Remember these are my people ... not yours...we will continue on together...Charlie Sheen
Charlie has been telling people that HBO has offered him a talk show but HBO denies such an offer exists.  I think the only shows Charlie could do would be Intervention or a biopic about Qaddafi.  Charlie did come under fire for using Chuck Lorre's real Hebrew name.  People claimed that he was being anti-Semetic.  Charlie said that because his haters call him Carlos Estevez it doesn't make them anti-Latino.  I like to sit back and think that Carlos stopped by my site.  Hey Carlos!  Can you get me in Major League?  Charlie went on another radio show and said this about whether or not he'd be back on Two and a Half Men: “These guys are a couple of AA Nazis and just blatant hypocrites.  Can you imagine going back into the sludge pit with those knuckleheads at this point? Can you imagine? It would go bad quickly."  And when asked about if this is the last we'll see of him he said this: “Find the most comfortable seat in the house, lean back and watch – it’s about to get really gnarly.”  Gnarly?  Did he graduate from the Jeff Spiccoli school of public speaking?  I really don't have to write anything funny here because just read what Charlie said or make that Carlos.  Hey Carlos!  Yeah, I don't think this will end well.

Video Section:
Justin Bieber played in a celebrity basketball game during the NBA All-Star weekend.  The best part was when he got knocked down.  Why do I wish he stayed down and never got up?

Paula Deen was on Top Chef this week and well she opened her mouth and something came out that was semi-erotic.

This week on American Idol, Jennifer Lopez had to break the news to some poor schlub that he wouldn't be joining the top 24.  Apparently this was difficult for her and she broke down and gave the best performance of her life.  She should be nominated for the Best Actress Oscar.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.  Don't expect one of these next weekend.  I'm going to be drinking beer at a brewery.

but until he returns or I send out a mass message, whichever comes first blah blah blah...it's CATURDAY!

Yep, it's late but I can't sleep and I went out for supper.  Deep fried green beans with a cucumber sauce...years ago when I was a stupid kid, I would've thrown up at the notion but I absolutely loved it but then what doesn't taste good deep fried.  I also had me a Spotted Cow...beer is good.

1.  Some people like using stock photos for their posts.  I don't but oh well.  Here's a collection of some of the most awkward stock photos.  Well I think a few of those could be used for Caturday.

2.  Even Newsweek has a tumblr.  You really dropped the ball, Xanga Team.  You need to get some agency to work on Xanga instead of the ish sites.  Herman T. Zweibel could bring a lot of traffic to this site.

3.  Do you like awesome photos?  Well duh, who doesn't?  Here's a site called Eyegasms.  It's a fitting name

4.  When I was teaching at a high school I vividly remember the contents of my office's fridge.  It was just Mountain Dew.  The teacher I shared the office with loved his Mountain Dew and it made the day go by at a faster rate.  The other school I taught at had a fridge in the church kitchen and the only thing in that fridge was about 50 bottles of ketchup, mayo, mustard, and relish.  Why am I talking about fridges?  Well this site features things found in office refrigerators. 

5.  Have you ever wondered what would happen if you mixed Tom Selleck with waterfalls and sandwiches?  Well this site, Selleck Waterfall Sandwich, answers that question.  The results aren't that sexy or delicious.

6.  One of the most annoying things on the internet is the CAPTCHA.  Half the time I can't even read them and then the other half I laugh because they are such nonsense.  Well this site makes art out of some of the words in the CAPTCHAs they have found. 

7.  Speaking of CAPTCHAs, here is Church of Inglip.  It's a tale of a religion based on a CAPTCHA.  Go to the testimonial to read the story.  I forget who introduced me to this site but I know it was someone special...god I feel bad.

8.  I was introduced to this site today by nattata.  You can make a song like the song "Barbara Streisand" by Duck Sauce by inserting your own words into the music.  Here is my hit song.

9.  Have you ever wondered how much caffeine it would take to kill you?  Well this site, Death by Caffeine, is quite helpful in helping you figure out how much would kill you. 

10.  Since no one got me any birthday presents may I drop a hint?  I know this says it's a woman's accessory but I so want a Nacho Wallet. 

11.  I was thinking about how I am getting pretty desperate for female companionship and if I don't do something soon, I'm just going to give up.  I figure I either give up or make a website like this.  Ladies, are your hearts aflutter?

12.  Since it was President's Day this week, here is a collection of some obscene presidential quotes.  And here's a preview of our current president:

And it was an awkward President's Day around these parts.

Oh I bet even people with a college degree could have been fooled by that one.

The Middle East has had 2 revolts in the past 2 months and America has only had one in 235 years.  We are no longer the world's best.  We need to step things up.

Did you know Gaddafi was on Johnny Carson years ago?  Here's what he was saying: "Boy, I tell you it's hard to be a dictator; you get no respect.  When I went on my honeymoon with 8 of my wives, they made me wear a veil.  No respect."

I just saw this episode of The Simpsons and I can't believe how dirty they were.  Do you get it?

Me: I have been doing a lot of reading about the controversy in Wisconsin and have found out that many school districts are cutting teachers even though the proposed budget hasn't been passed.  It would have never fixed anything.  Oh and I've also been watching young Indiana Jones.  Cocky, how has your week been?
Cocky: Yeah...um...yeah....
Me: Cocky, why are you vigorously scratching your groin?
Cocky: New...sponsor...oh yeah the scratching makes it feel better.
Me: Actually, it is an old sponsor that decided to give us another chance.
Cocky: Well there product has some nasty side effects.

This blog brought to you by Cockburn's

Cockburn’s produces some of the world’s finest Ports; make sure you try the full range and experience the signature Cockburn’s taste, picking your favorite for different occasions.  Cockburn's does not cause a burning sensation in the genital region

Me: Cocky, our sponsor's product does not cause a burning sensation in that area.
Cocky:  If it doesn't why am I on fire?
Me: Well...I wonder if it has anything to do with your recent trip to Las Vegas and meeting up with that woman who looked like the horse.
Cocky: Oh yeah, but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Me: How is Celine doing these days?
Cocky: Walking like she just got off a horse.
Me: *sigh* Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Cocked, locked, rocked, and ready to....god it burns so bad...MAKE IT STOP!

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
How am I doing?  Any tips on what I should do next?
                                        Scott in Madison
Me: Whatever you do, don't take any phone calls without having them screened.  Your proposed budget hasn't fixed anything and the way I see it, it would be a band-aid on a cut jugular.  Already school districts are cutting teachers.  You have fixed nothing.  Give more tax breaks to corporations so they can send jobs overseas.  oh and since you were a brown bagging tea bagger maybe your first step in budget cuts should have been cutting all elected officials salaries by 20%.  Also, get rid of your baseball bat in your office.  It impresses no one, Desperado.  Oh and maybe you should try to get a college degree.  Just saying you know because 100% of a Wisconsin teachers have degrees and you come off as a hypocrite telling them how to do their jobs.
Cocky: You ain't so bad, godfather.  There may be hope for you yet.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I got a prostate exam on Valentine's Day.  Should I send the doctor a dozen roses?
                                         Valentino in Viola
Me: I am sure this is a joke but I do applaud you in taking an effort into making sure you have a healthy prostate. 
Cocky: Of course it's a joke which is why I answer with a joke, you only send flowers if you blew him after he asked to exam your tonsils and said he had a special tongue depresser.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am a bit of a bind.  I need money ASAP.  Do you have any tips on how to get some fast cash?
                                         Needy in Neenah
Me: Well one thing I have learned that when you are desperate it is nearly impossible to make quick cash.  If the bind is overwhelming you may want to find your nearest casino and play roulette.  There are a variety of ways to play and quickly learned strategies but if you do play, you have to learn when to quit.
Cocky: Don't listen to him!  He plays the easy game and doesn't have the balls to play the numbers.  He plays the colors.  He puts $5 on black or red and sure it doubles his money but it takes forever.
Me: Cocky, it's the safest bet in a casino and has the greatest chance of victory.  Need I remind you that I have only lost one time when I played roulette.
Cocky: That's because you chicken out and quit after you win 5 or 6 spins.
Me: Maybe I should tell him to find his nearest game of chicken roulette.
Cocky: YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD NEVER MENTION THAT!
Me: Did I?  Many of you probably haven't heard of how I met Cocky.  I rescued him.  He was being used in a game of chicken roulette behind a barn that was converted into a bar.  Why don't you tell them how it was played?
Cocky:  They put me in a 10ft by 10ft pen.  The floor was divided into squares with numbers painted on.  People placed bets as to which square my poop would land.  It was the lowest point of my life.  Sure I was fed a lot of great chili but I never saw one cent.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am just a young girl and I have recently entered womanhood.  My mother died when I was young so I have no female in the house to help me with my problem so I thought that I would come to you first.  I am having trouble inserting tampons.  What should I do?
                                           Despondent in Dover
Me: Uh....I am so honored that you would come to this website for help with your problem.  I have no clue about the workings of said devices.  What you may want to do is go to a trusted female authority figure such as a teacher or someone at school.  While I was teaching I was faced with this problem.  I had one girl in my class and she had these issues so I escorted her to a female teacher who was young and considered "cool".  Maybe an aunt or female cousin could help.
Cocky: Get a plumber's helper and a flat head screwdriver and well that should resolve any problems you have.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Which social networking site do you prefer: Myspace or Facebook?
                                         Loser in Lomira
Me:  Well why isn't Xanga an option?  Oh yeah because every time people try to socialize or be funny it creates drama and people crying that white people and Christians are oppressed.  Well I am going to go with myspace and in a future blog entry I will tell you why even though I am not on myspace much these days because I love XANGA!
Cocky:  Why isn't Xpeeps and option?  The social networking site for adults and pornagraphers and the only site that has a Cocky appreciation group.  OK so maybe the group isn't named after me and they drop a letter in my name but it appreciates big dicks like the me and the Godfather.  Me in the sense of having a large penis and the Godfather in the sense of being a whiny liberal asshole.  I can't even upload photos with my name in them onto myspace so why bother.  Why hasn't any Xangan tackled the issue of cock oppression?

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I just joined a great company but I have found one flaw: a co-worker who works no more than 3 hours in an 8-hour workday. She spends time at lunch, shopping, personal phone calls, and chatting with other workers. Her behavior makes me think she has no respect for her fellow co-workers. I have to take up the slack. She has been here for two years and I just don't see how she keeps her job.  Should I make waves and complain about her performance, or go with the flow?
                                         Hard-worker in Hortonville
Me: I wouldn't advise making wave in your first days on the job.  If you complain you could rock a boat that no one wants moved.  You are working hard and she is working sub-par.  Maybe you were hired to make up for her incompetence.
Cocky:  The way I see it, if she isn't hanging out on Xanga all day giving the Godfather the eprops then you punch her in the throat and say, "Bitch, get your ass to work."  If that doesn't work, make a fake petition that is written to the president of the company asking for the manager to be fired.  Then when you see the manager hand him the petition and say, "Look what that incompetent ingrate gave me."  If that doesn't work, throat punches for everyone.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
My husband wants to go on a dangerous expedition. I am so afraid he will never come home. He has always been an outdoor lover and has taken many trips but this trip will tax him maximally. People have died. He says he wants to go now before we have children. What can I do to stop him?
                                          Indoors Lover in  Ixonia
Me: I am not sure you can. You knew he had this tendency when you married him. People do not give up the things they do just because they get married. No wedding ring has turned a roamer into a faithful husband or a dare devil into a cream puff. I applaud his wisdom in understanding that once he has children these expeditions are history. Children need security. Wives, on the other hand, usually know what they are getting into.
Cocky: Holy shit!  I have to agree with the Godfather.  Once you put that ring on, it doesn’t mean he’s going to puss out and become the Godfather.  You best get to the kitchen and make your man some sandwiches for his trip.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
What do you think of Watson, the computer on Jeopardy?  How are you planning on welcoming our new robot overlords?
                                         In Jeopardy in Janesville
Me: Honestly, I think it's no cause for alarm.  I didn't even know Jeopardy was still on the air so I think it's clearly a way to boost ratings. 
Cocky: RUN!  Did you hear me?  RUN!  Maybe I didn't make myself clear.  RUN!  Or if you're like the godfather, bury your head in the sand and let the robot overlords sodomize you.  RUN!

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
What movies are you two anxious to see?  I bet the bleeding heart, limp wristed liberal Godfather is all about slathering on Michael Moore's nuts for his movie Capitalism.
                                         Movie Goer in Mondovi
Me: Well thank you for calling me that.  I appreciate when readers take time to mock me.  Bravo!  Not only did you get my political thoughts wrong but you also managed to offend a group of readers.
Cocky:  Answer the damn question, Olberman!
Me: *sigh*  actually I am somewhat interested in the Michael Moore movie because of his interviews with Christian leaders who state that the American tradition of capitalism is against Biblical teachings.  The movie I want to see most that I haven't seen yet is Where the Wild Things Are.  What about you, Beck?
Cocky:  OOOOOOHHHHHH GLEN BECK YOU HURT MY FEELINGS!
Me: Just be thankful you aren't a frog or I would do my impersonation of Glen Beck right now.
Cocky: Touché...I guess the movie I am most anxious for is Jon and Kate Fuck 8

Me: OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

  And if you have any questions for Cocky and myself, you can send them to Formspring or email them to--
Cocky: Me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
Me: OR send me a message here at Xanga.
Cocky:  Also if you have ever posed nude and want your photos kept safe make sure you email them to me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
Me: Cocky, you are such a dick.
Cocky : Wrong!  I'm a cock.

Rec or die!

Not to downplay rape, but seriously, people, don't you have anything better to talk about?  I've been here 6 years and I've probably seen 1265 posts about rape or rape fantasies.  Why don't we discuss something that hasn't bee tackled on Xanga...something like abortion... evolution... religion... atheism... hijabs... terrorism... trolls... thinspo... fat people...marijuana... smoking... politics...Rob_of_the_Sky... being modern-day Christian crusaders who point everyone else's shortcomings while participating in sexual relations outside the confines of marriage...embracing our robot overlords.

A person who goes downhill backwards is having an uphill struggle.

Homophobes are so gay.

You’d think that people who take photos of themselves looking in mirrors would see how stupid they look.

I think I’m officially an adult since I haven’t had any Ramen for about a month.

When people tell me I’m too drunk to drive home I drive to another bar.

I feel like a proud parent when someone gags because of my farts as I ask them if they smell something burning.

I think I’m allergic to vagina since it makes my penis swell.  Sex is one of the best things money can buy.  New pick-up line: If you were relish, I’d spread you on my wiener.  I am so glad women can’t read my mind because if they did I’d be getting slapped every ten seconds.  Saying, “It’ll help your chapped lips,” doesn’t work.  The only thing better than half-naked girls running around my house is totally naked girls running around my house.  I am looking for a girl to give me a 5 minute high-five.  It doesn’t matter if the cup is half-full or half-empty; what matters is if there is a boob in that cup and that is every cup from A to Z.  Is there a Z cup?  I am assuming there has to be.  Porn is the Kevin Bacon of the internet because it’s always 6 clicks away.  I put the “I” in masturbation.  I bought myself a hooker for a birthday present since no one else would and I knew it was a long time since I last had sex because there were tumbleweeds involved and apparently someone thought it was funny to write “Wash Me” in the dust on it.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I wish you could photoshop personality.

Never forget that you have a Snickers bar in your back pocket; you’ll get disgusted looks all day.

The worst part of changing a diaper is when the person with the dirty diaper is over 30 years old.

Have you ever found yourself talking with a British person and wished they spoke English?

Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there with a mountain of steak, Olivia Munn, Lily Allen, Gabrielle Union, Margaret Thatcher, and a roofies…damn didn’t work.

Now do Justin Bieber fans sync up their periods with Bieber’s?

On President’s Day, I kept asking myself WWJFKD and the resounding answer was “Marilyn Monroe”.

I like to remind kids that there’s nothing as important in life as a solid foundation when they run past me in the halls and I stick my leg out to trip them.

What is so mystifying about babies?  It’s not like they can do anything.

Flying first class to Detroit is like taking a limo to a Nickelback and Creed concert.

I envy my friends because they get to hang out with me even if they did forget my birthday.  Seriously, I’ve know them since I was in grade school and I remember their birthdays.  Yeah, I’, acting like a little kid but that shit stings.  It’s even worse that none of my family remembered…worst day of the year.

Like sand through an hourglass, Xanga is a waste of our lives.

I found this on facebook this morning:

Teachers' hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or10 months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do - babysit!  We can get that for less than minimum wage.

That's right. Let's give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked; not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend before or after school. That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 to 3:00 PM with 45 min. off for lunch and plan-- that equals 6 1/2 hours).

Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now how many students do they teach in a day...maybe 30? So that's $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day.  However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! I am not going to pay them for any vacations.

LET'S SEE....That's $585 X 180= $105,300 per year. (Hold on! My calculator needs new batteries).

What about those special education teachers and the ones with Master's degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.75), and just to be fair, round it off to $8.00 an hour. That would be $8 X 6 1/2 hours X 30 children X 180 days = $280,800 per year.

Wait a minute -- there's something wrong here! There sure is!  The average teacher's salary (nation-wide) is $50,000. $50,000/180 days= $277.77/per day/30 students=$9.25/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student--a very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even EDUCATE your kids!) WHAT A DEAL!!!!

Make a teacher smile, give a shit about us.

If you want to contribute to the protesters to make sure they have something to eat here are a list of businesses where you can order food for those who are fighting for your worker's rights: Burrito Drive at 608-260-8586, Silver Mine Subs at 608-286-1000, Ian's Pizza at 608-257-9248, Pizza Di Roma at 608-268-0900, or Asian Kitchen at 608-255-0571
And if you want to contribute water contact: Capitol Center Foods at 608-255-2616

Walker's rhetoric about the Democratic senators returning to Wisconsin to see democracy in action is laughable considering his whole stance on this is "there's no discussion."  Democracy, fuck yeah.
 
Here are some more sights:

Doctors from the UW were out helping teachers whose districts were requiring them to provide a doctor's note.  Sure, it may be fraud but it's fraud for a cause.

Good question.  I want to see the military taking over schools.  At that point is when I will resort to some of my illegal books.





Oh it's true...Walker doesn't have any college degree and he is trying to tell teachers how to conduct themselves.  100% of teachers in Wisconsin have more education that Scott Walker.


MEMES!  I love the new Scumbag Scott ones.




See, it's not just a democrat and republican argument.



 







Madison did give us The Onion.

VIOLA...FUCK YEAH!

Come on, history students...tell me the significance of this one.

Oh shit...the internet is here.
 
Haunting


How is that Tea party doing?

Yes!  We bring in Aaron Rodgers.  Whatever side he picks must be the correct way.

OF COURSE...IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!

because yesterday was Caturday

This is Charlie.  He was abandoned and then lost his ears and nose to skin cancer but he's still fighting.  In fact he's fighting those Harry Potter cats because he looks like He Who Must Not Be Named.  You can read more about him here and if you're in the UK and want to adopt Charlie or another animal click here.

For i_once_was...I couldn't resist being a teacher.
And my prophecy remains true.

Whoever didn't think that Wisconsin could be a place for serious politics never took a U.S. history course.  SO yeah, like my pulse said, I talked to this guy this evening returning from the protests.  He was wearing a shirt that they were all sporting around the capitol so I asked him how the protesting was.  He told me some interesting things that aren't being mentioned on the news.  I'm not going to mention because I don't want goons busting down my door.  He did tell me that with the proposed cuts on top of what is already taken out for taxes, he'd be losing AT LEAST 50% of what he currently takes home.  Oh and he was told that he should just get a second job...yeah.  It's fucked up and it won't end soon and won't end well.  Happier stuff...ROUND-UP.  Some material may be NSFW and NSFL.

Snooki, yes I'm saying Snooki once again because a few people were offended by the term "cum dumpster" but then the truth hurts, sent this Valentine to her boyfriend.  As much as I dislike her, that is a nice gesture and a much better Valentine than the one I got from my girlfriend or anyone here on Xanga...sigh.

I said I needed happy news but this isn't happy news.  A rumor is running around the interwebz that Steve Jobs has pancreatic cancer and might have less than a month to live.  They are saying that he was once 175lbs but is now down to 130lbs.  Well you never know with that stuff.  I had a doctor that was diagnosed and died two weeks later.  Patrick Swayze was diagnosed and was told he had weeks to live but ended up living an extra year or so.  I hope he squares Apple away and spends time with his loved ones and tells my friends who have ipods why they need a nuclear reactor to keep it charged for over an hour.

Oh sweet Lord please God no!  Two were enough.  Please God make it stop!  If we want a Sex and the City with them in their current state we know where to go...it's called Golden Girls.

Rod Stewart and his wife Penny Lancaster welcomed a new baby into the world this week.  They had a son and named him Aiden.  He is Rod's 8th child and as a reminder Rod is 66.  I hope they all live happily ever after.  I wanted to include this for a certain Xangan that always offers kind words.  Oh and maybe they can explain when Rod started to look like Barry Manilow.

There has been an outbreak of Legionnaire's Disease at the Playboy Mansion.  I know, that's not the disease I expected either.  This disease is a bacteria that thrives in air conditioning units and warm water and the conditions are fever, violent headaches, and respiratory infections.  So far 80 people affiliated with a party at the mansion have been treated for Legionnaire's.  Come on, that place is a cesspool for disease.  More semen died in the grotto's pool than seaman that drowned during World War II.  Even if they advertised serving chicken laced with Ebola, SARS, and cholera, there would still be guys lined up around the block to go there.

Paris Hilton turned 30 this week and it's great to see that she hasn't let "old age" deter her from dressing like she is on the cast of Toddlers and Tiaras.

I bet you wish you were Paris Hilton after learning that her boyfriend bought her this $375,000 Lexus.  It has 552 horsepower and can hit a top speed of 202mph.  She should really try to get those ponies running in the Hollywood Hills especially when it's raining.

Pam Anderson is suing her exboyfriend, a real estate tycoon, who promised her a brand new condo in Las Vegas.  She is suing for $1million because he didn't deliver.  She shouldn't be wasting her time because by the time the case is settled it could be a year later and she is living on borrowed time with being ravaged by Hepatitis C.  She should take time to study time travel so she can go back to 1995 and remain the biggest star of the time for eternity.   But maybe that is why she needs the money.

Olivia Munn was at a Knicks game this week and she took time to like a lollipop in a sexually suggestive manner.  It actually worked because it got the Knicks fans to stop booing and chanting that they wanted LeBron and Carmello for a few minutes.

Earlier this week, the National Enquirer ran a story about how O.J. Simpson has been living in fear in his prison cell.  They claimed that he was brutally attacked by Aryans in prison after they heard him bragging about having sex with white women.  The Enquirer also claimed that the attack was so severe that O.J. had to spend three weeks in the prison infirmary.  For a second there I was beginning to believe in karma but then good old Harvey Levin and his crew at Twenty Mile Zone burst that bubble and said that O.J. wasn't attacked.  TMZ reported that prison guards shared the story with O.J. and he laughed and he said he hadn't laughed that hard since October 3rd of 1995.  Look it up and then you'll get the joke.

This is what Miley Cyrus wore to the Grammy's.  My my my my...how classy!  I know I should have put this in my links post but it's here.  If you want to see more cleavage from the Grammy's click here.  I'm a pig...I know.  I'm also very lonely and could use someone to keep me company this weekend.

This photo of Miley was taken a little later in the week.  Looks like she partied a little too hard or her hair has magical hiding powers.

Billy Ray Cyrus conducted an interview with GQ and basically came off as a sad little hillbilly.  He said that Miley being in Hannah Montana destroyed their family and that if he could, he'd erase it.  He also claimed he's not making money off Miley and he didn't attend her 18th birthday party because it was at a 21 and over bar.  Umm isn't that bad parenting?  He actually admitted that he was a bad parent because he tried to be Miley's friend instead of father.  I read the interview and I have to say I actually believe him.  The only thing I am upset about is that he hasn't apologized for the mullet.

Hey, it appears as if Matthew McConaghey finally picked up his copy of "How to Score with Chicks" by godfatherofgreenbay.  Oh he'll be beating them off soon just like I have to beat off every night.


OK CNN, FOX, MSNBC, you can all stop your coverage because the story is officially over.  Lindsay supports the Egyptians and the Jews.  It's good to see her taking a break from crime to let the world know what she thinks via Twitter.  I can't wait for her thoughts on Wisconsin.  "Derp...it's cold"...yeah, that's about it.

I'm shocked Kim didn't shill out her crappy reality series after that by saying "Now they can enjoy the freedom they deserve...by watching me and my dead behind the eyes self interact with my halfwit sisters as we make money for doing absolutely nothing only on E!."  I think Snooki was tangled up in meetings at the Pentagon so she couldn't weigh-in.

This is how Lady Gaga entered the Grammy's.  Oh how shocking!  That's so cutting edge and it totally makes her a better singer.  Gaga claims to have spent 72 hours in that egg before the Grammy's.  Umm where did she crap and piss?  Oh well.  Last year it was a meat dress and this year it is an egg.  She is definitely raising the bar when it comes to fake publicity.  Hopefully next year she has to light herself on fire to get press.

Kate Moss was spotted this week at a sex shop.  She happened to be very drunk at the time.  People witnessed her spraying a bottle of strawberry flavored lube all over the floor and then picking up a large black dildo and spreading lube on it and then fellating it.  Usually the antics of a horny supermodel turn me on but then again no one wants to bang a bag of bones.

Justin Bieber gave quite an interesting interview with Rolling Stone.  When asked about sex he said, "I don't think you should have sex with anyone unless you love them. I think you should just wait for the person you're...in love with."  He also said this about politics: "I'm not sure about the parties. But whatever they have in Korea, that's bad."  I hope he realizes there are two Koreas.  No wonder kids love him; he's dumb as a rock.  Now the comments that have got him in hot water are what he thinks about abortion: "I really don't believe in abortion It's like killing a baby?" In cases of rape: "Um. Well, I think that's really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I guess I haven't been in that position, so I wouldn't be able to judge that."  You hear that ladies? It was all part of God's plan that your rapist impregnated you so there's no use crying over spilled milk.  I know why he doesn't believe in abortion.  Think of his song "baby" maybe he's confused and thinks that his song won't get played if people abort babies.  Oh well, what does he know, he's only 16 which is why I have no clue why they asked him this stuff.

Justin was at the premiere of his movie in London and popped behind the concessions counter.  You know that is the first normal thing he's done that 16 year old normally do.

Esperanza Spalding are the most hated words in Justin Bieber's and his fans' vocabulary.  They are even more hated than "descended testicles".  This is what some of Bieber's fans did to her wikipedia page.  They claimed her middle name was Quesadilla and called her a "fucking reatard" who needs to "go die in a hole".  Maybe it wasn't a Bieber fan, it was a school night after all.  I wonder who many hate letters she received that was scribbled on Lisa Frank writing pads.

How the mighty have fallen!  Jon Gosslein was a computer tech and then a reality star and now he's installing solar panels for a living.  I guess that's better than being married to Kate.  He finally got a job because those Ed Hardy shirts don't pay for themselves.

Last week I said there was a controversy with the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated.  People behind the scenes said that Brooklyn Decker got the cover but apparently they changed their minds and went with Irina Shayk.  So instead of the blonde with big boobs they went with the brunette with big boobs.  GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Uncle Leo passed away this week.  Len Lesser who played one of my favorite Seinfeld characters, Uncle Leo, passed away this week at the age of 88.  He had pneumonia and had survived cancer.  He was a fighter.  He had hundreds of credits but some of my favorites were his bit roles on Seinfeld, Everybody Loves Raymond, and Just Shoot Me.  I just hope God let him in heave because Leo had that bad habit of stealing and also those eyebrows make him look angry.  Oh and when he got to heaven God said, "Leo, hello!"

Frankie Muniz, the kid who played Malcolm in Malcolm in the Middle, allegedly put a gun to his head and threatened to shoot himself during a fight with his girlfriend Elycia Turnbow.  This of course was after he supposedly punched her in the back of the head.  Elycia told the police that they were talking about their past loves and he got upset, pushed her into a wall and then punched her.  He then held her down while he had a gun to his head and she got free and called one of the members of Frankie's band.  Frankie said that Elycia came home drunk and punched him and he never put a gun to his head.  I don't know but I'm sort of shocked that Frankie has been halfway decent but this will just get him listed among the childhood stars who fell from grace.  Also, hard to believe but Agent Cody Banks is in a band.  The police issued Frankie a warning.  A warning...that's it.  He supposedly punched her and threw her into a wall and all he get's is a warning.  God, it's great to be white.

Florence Henderson turned 77 this week.  Hmmm I always knew Mrs. Brady was freaky.

Emma Watson was spotted out on the town and her nipple made a guest appearance.  How embarrassing!  Now the world knows she has nipples.

One of Charlie Sheen's skanks, Kacey Jordan, sent him these messages.  Why is she thinking of "taking care of it"?  She could have a goldmine in her uterus.  She gives birth, tells Charlie the baby is his and she is set for the rest of her disease-riddled life.

Speaking of Carlos, he was on my favorite sports program numerous times this week.  Charlie was a phone-in guest on the Dan Patrick Show and he had a lot to say.  Charlie talked about how he went to the set of Two and a Half Men but they refused to let him work.  The actual quote is better: "They said, 'You get ready and we'll get ready.' And I got ready and went back and nobody's there. I don't know what to tell you ... I'm here and I'm ready. They're not. Bring it, you know?" He also had some creepy things to say about getting sober: "Nit pick, nit pick, but I don't think [the clause] covers, 'Let us totally dominate and interfere with your personal life.' I have a contract. They said, 'Get your act together,' and I did." "I heal really quickly, but I also unravel pretty quickly. So get me right now, guys. Get me right now!" He also said this about why he smokes crack: "Boredom. Wanting to make things better – whether it's real or imagined. I was sober for five years a long time ago and was just bored out of my tree."  The best part of the show was when Charlie talked about his sports memorabilia collection.  I don't know where to begin with that but the highlight is the 1927 World Series ring belonging to Babe Ruth as well as the contract from the Red Sox sending Babe Ruth to the Yankees.  INCREDIBLE!  I'd fear that he'd destroy that stuff with all his drug use.  His first visit stemmed from the people at the Dan Patrick Show playing a sound bite of Charlie visiting the UCLA baseball team's practice.  The coach asked Charlie to give a motivation speech and he simply said, "Don't smoke crack and drink chocolate milk."  In another call-in Charlie offered this advice to Lindsay Lohan: "I have some things I think she should consider, cause I don't tell anybody what to do. Work on your impulse control ... just try and think things through a little bit before you do them."  POT KETTLE BLACK!  Next thing you know, he'll be offering her acting tips.

Video section
Christina Aguilera followed up her epic Super Bowl performance by making a splash at the Grammy's.  She fell down.

Amy Winehouse gave quite the performance in Dubai.  she was scheduled to perform 9 songs but only made it through 6 and lost the audience after 3. 

Millions of people rejoiced as they saw Justin Bieber shot on CSI.


I'm on that map.  Are you with me?  Actually my town is on that map so AWESOME!