(This is another re-post and is the second in a series of three at this point.  I’ll get the third one up later today when I feel this one has an adequate amount of comments.  I feel ashamed to write these again but then it’s Valentine’s so I figure I have to hide my loneliness.  Oh well, if you missed the first it can be read here.)

Girl, what is it that you want from me?  Do you need me to get you feminine hygienic products?  I can do that.  Do you want me to squash that spider?  I can do that even though I have a fear of spiders ever since that one spider bit me and I almost lost a leg as a result.  Do you want me to make you a drink?  I have my own personal bar, stocked with the choicest of rail liquors.  Gin and Tonic?  I can make it.  Fuzzy Navel?  I can make it.  How about I make you my favorite summertime drink.  You know the one.  It starts with some crisp Citronen citrus vodka and and then I mix it with the healthy elixir that is Dr. McGuilicutty’s Cherry Schnapps and then it is all mixed with some fine Country Time Lemonade and served over ice cubes that I specially made with the most delectable of tap water.  Girl, it’s delicious.

So, girl, why am I asking you for what you want?  Well…girl, your wish is my command.

Your first wish is that I clean up.  I take my shower and shampoo with the suavest of the Suave Shampoos.  It is lavender scented.  Why lavender?  Girl, it’s your favorite.  After I thoroughly dry off, I shave with my Norelco razor.  Girl, I have to admit that I fear cutting myself with a razor blade.  Still I get a close and smooth shave.  It may not be as smooth as a baby’s butt, but, girl, I know you like it rough.

I decide that I need to dress up for you.  Those silk boxers that you adore?  They go on first.  Girl, I know it must sound bizarre that I would tell you that I put my boxers on first but I don’t want you to think that I am a fool and I want to dress perfectly because, girl, your wish is my command.

I have decided to go with my black suit because you have said this is your favorite of my suits.  It was purchased at the Men’s Warehouse because I am a frugal shopper and they stand behind every purchase and they guarantee it.  My shirt?  Well, it’s that burgundy one that you and I both like.  My tie is hard to select because you always compliment me on my tie collection.  I narrow the choices to a red and white striped silk tie that was a gift from a friend who taught English in China because it goes with my shirt and by selecting this one I want you to see that I surround myself with desirable and professional characters because, girl, I am not a thug; the black and white check tie that I got in my tie of the month club; or the Jerry Garcia painting print tie.  I have decided to go with the Jerry tie but don’t worry, it’s not Jerry himself but one of his abstract paintings.  I have selected this tie because I want you to see that I have excellent taste in art and music. 

Next, I have to choose my cologne.  Which should I go with, girl?  Really, you like that one?  So I slap on your choice, Angel by Thierry Mugler.  Thank you girl, I love this scent.  I smell like freshly baked cinnamon rolls.

I arrive at your place with some freshly picked wild flowers and a bottle of wine.  I ring your doorbell.  Those three notes sound like an angel chorus to me, girl, because they remind me that soon I will be in your luscious presence.  You answer the door.  I am speechless because you are standing in front of me.  Girl, you are my goddess in sweatpants.

I present you with the bottle of wine.  You question my selection.  It’s Night Train, girl.  It will inspire us to ride the rails of love all night but I can assure you that it won’t be an express trip nor will we visit the sleeper car on our foray to pleasure.  Girl, you know what I am talking about, you devilish little minx.

You are eying my other present, the wildflowers.  I give them to you.  You remark that you have never seen flowers quite like these.  Well, girl, I will let you in on a secret, I picked them at a local state park.  Yes, that means I am a criminal but I ain’t a thug.  For you, girl, I would pick a million wildflowers under fear of prosecution.  You sniff the ill-picked flowers and smile.  Girl, remember these flowers are part of my bad-boy persona but I ain’t a thug.

Girl, here I am, what do you want me to do?  Really, right away?  Your wish is my command.  Girl, this may get a little dirty.  I have to take off my suit.  Just lay back and get ready for me to go to work.  Some people will say that what I am about to do is unhygienic but your wish is my command.  Girl, relax and let me take over.  You must have gotten started before I got here because it is so wet.  My fingers and hands are soaked up to my elbows.  Girl, normally I wouldn’t do this just for anyone but your wish is my command and I will happily scrub your toilet.

Girl, now what do you want me to do?  OK, I can make you a snack.  What goes good with Night Train?  That’s right, girl, S’Mores!  I begin with the most scrumptious of marshmallows and the finest choice cut of chocolates, Hershey’s.  Girl, I can’t hide my money when I am with you.  I sandwich the chocolate and marshmallow between two crisp yet delicate golden graham crackers.  Girl, thirty seconds in the microwave and then you can have this gooey and sticky goodness in your mouth.  Relax, girl, you sit on the couch and I will bring them to you.  Lay back and open your mouth.  Does it taste good?  Oops, there is some on your cheek.  Let me lick that off.  I forgot the wine.  Drink up.  All aboard the Night Train, girl.

MMM…that Night Train hit the spot and well it should when it only costs $2 a bottle.  Girl, you are so drunk.  I don’t think you can make it up your stairs.  Well, girl, I will carry you.  Just watch you head as we go through the doorway.

Girl, have you lost weight?  You are as light as a feather in my arms.  Now we have reached a predicament that may prove difficult to solve.  How do I peel back the covers for you while holding you in my arms?  OK, I got it.  I fling you on my shoulder and quickly fling off your covers and then I gently lay you down and tuck you in to your soft and warm bed.  Girl, you want to do what?  No, although I appreciate the offer of sex, I can’t accept when you are in this condition.  This is one wish that I cannot grant.  To avoid temptation I will go sleep on your couch.  This will serve a dual purpose because I may want to watch late night informercials so that I learn about new toys and study of the wonders of Post-T-Vac and Girls Gone Wild.

I wake up and I hear you snoring but girl, it’s the cutest.  I decide to make you breakfast.  Girl, Night Train does not agree with me in the morning because it is the Night Train and can only be enjoyed in the night time which means your breakfast may be scant.  I have prepared for you some freshly cut fruit and your favorite, Eggo waffles.

You are still sleeping and, girl, you look like an angel.  You wake up when you smell the maple syrup on the delicious Eggo waffles.  You love your breakfast.  Sitting here and watching you eat has got me thinking about taking you up on your offer from last night.  Yes, I thought about it all night because, girl, you haunt my dreams.  First things first, girl, you’re gonna have to leggo that Eggo so I can rock your world.  What?  I have never heard such a request.  Of course I can hit you doggystyle so you can eat your breakfast because, girl, your wish is my command.

Damn!

(This is a re-post.  I wanted to share it again because it’s nearing Valentine’s Day and I am trying to get in the mood to write more.  Enjoy!)

Girl, I know you said this time of year is bad for you and you are stressing about all the increasing work that you have to do, but, girl, I have one word for you.

Relax.

That’s right.  You have to relax otherwise you will cause harm to your hot, little body.  Stress can lead to hair loss and stomach ulcers.  Girl, you don’t want that.  So what am I going to do?  I’m going to rock your world.

I will pick you up at a designated time.  You will see an all white Hummer limo in front of your place of residence.  Then when I see the astonished look on your face, I will jump out of the back of the limo.  You will look at me and be shocked because I just bought a new suit at the Men’s Warehouse because they stand behind every purchase and they guarantee it.  Girl, your chariot awaits.

I will hold the door open for you.  You will be speechless upon entry.  Your eyes will bulge from your skull as you see the roses, champagne, cognac, and wide variety of juiceboxes.  I will pour you a glass of champagne and myself I will pop a straw into an Ectoplasm Cooler.  You will sip your champagne as we begin your trip to relaxation.

The driver will stop outside the $3 store where everything costs $3, even the laser pointers.  I remember how much you admired my gold necklace that I was wearing the other day.  Girl, I have to come clean.  I bought it here at the $3 Store.  I will buy you anything your heart desires.  What?  You want a Louis Vuitton bag?  Well how about a $3 Store special, the Louis Vooton bag.  Damn, girl, I rented a limo just for you.

The driver will take us to the finest restaurant in town.  You will dine on lobster as I enjoy the complimentary bread rolls and water.  The lobster will satisfy your appetite.  I lean over and whisper that dessert will be served later at my house.

The driver takes us back to my house but before we leave I make you stuff all the champagne, cognac, and juiceboxes in your newly bought Lous Vooton imitation leather bag.  I open the door for you, girl.  We go to my living room and sit on the couch that I bought at Goodwill.  Do you want to play checkers, read poetry, or watch TV?  You opt for the TV.  Girl, for your relaxation I am going to let you operate the remote.  It is in your hand.  You choose what we watch be it The Antiques Roadshow or another needless reality program.  The choice is yours, girl.

While you are settling in watching a program that I do not care for I get your dessert.  Fresh strawberries and chocolate.  I dip the strawberries in the chocolate and feed them to you.  Girl, do you know how difficult this is for me?  I hate strawberries but tonight is all about you. 

After you have had your fill of strawberries and chocolate, you say that you are getting tired and could use a bath.  I lead you by the hand to the penthouse portion of my house or as what some people call the upstairs.  Girl, are you relaxed?  I draw a bath for you and light some candles that I bought at the local candle shop.  They smell like lilacs. 

As you bathe, I am preparing my bedroom for the relaxation that is about to come.  You yell at me because I forgot to lay out a towel…or did I?  I give you one of my newly purchased towels just for your pleasure.  It was a Martha Stewart towel that I bought on clearance at K-Mart.  It is soft and dries you off.

I lead you by the hand into my bedroom.  You see the rose pedals on my bed.  I beckon you to come to me.  I hit the cd player and we are listening to the smooth sound of Pantera but you don’t like Pantera.  Well, girl, you pick the music.  You can pick whatever you want.  I have everything from ABBA to ZZ Top.  Girl, you can even pick some classic music because I don’t care if it makes you pretentious. 

Marvin Gaye is coming from the speakers.  I take back the bedspread to reveal a new set of red silk sheets that I purchased at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  They are the finest of 500 thread count sheets.  I spent painstaking time to count each thread just for you.  The sheets are smooth just like your skin.  As Marvin Gaye sing, “Let’s Get it On” I lean in and rock your world.

We do not need to look to the sky for the fireworks that are displayed across the night sky because we are making our own fireworks and if you want later we can go outside to my garage and I will show you my firework collection.  Before you came I stopped at the Firework Depot where everything is buy one get one free.  I am prepared for the Fourth of July.

The strenuous activities make us sleep in.  I wake up while you lay on the smooth silk sheets.  I prepare you a brunch consisting of a variety of fruit, freshly squeezed orange juice, pancakes(some embedded with blueberries and others embedded with chocolate chips), and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.  We feast.  You ask why did I make Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.  Why, girl, it’s the cheesiest!

Well, girl, I hope you found some relaxation.  If not we can repeat this all over again but without the lobster and the limo.  We are in an economic crisis after all.  No money or product can replace you.  Girl, you are my most cherished possession.

Damn!