A person who goes downhill backwards is having an uphill struggle.

Homophobes are so gay.

You’d think that people who take photos of themselves looking in mirrors would see how stupid they look.

I think I’m officially an adult since I haven’t had any Ramen for about a month.

When people tell me I’m too drunk to drive home I drive to another bar.

I feel like a proud parent when someone gags because of my farts as I ask them if they smell something burning.

I think I’m allergic to vagina since it makes my penis swell.  Sex is one of the best things money can buy.  New pick-up line: If you were relish, I’d spread you on my wiener.  I am so glad women can’t read my mind because if they did I’d be getting slapped every ten seconds.  Saying, “It’ll help your chapped lips,” doesn’t work.  The only thing better than half-naked girls running around my house is totally naked girls running around my house.  I am looking for a girl to give me a 5 minute high-five.  It doesn’t matter if the cup is half-full or half-empty; what matters is if there is a boob in that cup and that is every cup from A to Z.  Is there a Z cup?  I am assuming there has to be.  Porn is the Kevin Bacon of the internet because it’s always 6 clicks away.  I put the “I” in masturbation.  I bought myself a hooker for a birthday present since no one else would and I knew it was a long time since I last had sex because there were tumbleweeds involved and apparently someone thought it was funny to write “Wash Me” in the dust on it.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I wish you could photoshop personality.

Never forget that you have a Snickers bar in your back pocket; you’ll get disgusted looks all day.

The worst part of changing a diaper is when the person with the dirty diaper is over 30 years old.

Have you ever found yourself talking with a British person and wished they spoke English?

Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there with a mountain of steak, Olivia Munn, Lily Allen, Gabrielle Union, Margaret Thatcher, and a roofies…damn didn’t work.

Now do Justin Bieber fans sync up their periods with Bieber’s?

On President’s Day, I kept asking myself WWJFKD and the resounding answer was “Marilyn Monroe”.

I like to remind kids that there’s nothing as important in life as a solid foundation when they run past me in the halls and I stick my leg out to trip them.

What is so mystifying about babies?  It’s not like they can do anything.

Flying first class to Detroit is like taking a limo to a Nickelback and Creed concert.

I envy my friends because they get to hang out with me even if they did forget my birthday.  Seriously, I’ve know them since I was in grade school and I remember their birthdays.  Yeah, I’, acting like a little kid but that shit stings.  It’s even worse that none of my family remembered…worst day of the year.

Like sand through an hourglass, Xanga is a waste of our lives.