Cocky: Yeah…um…yeah….
Me: Cocky, why are you vigorously scratching your groin?
Cocky: New…sponsor…oh yeah the scratching makes it feel better.
Me: Actually, it is an old sponsor that decided to give us another chance.
Cocky: Well there product has some nasty side effects.
Me: Cocky, our sponsor’s product does not cause a burning sensation in that area.
Cocky: If it doesn’t why am I on fire?
Me: Well…I wonder if it has anything to do with your recent trip to Las Vegas and meeting up with that woman who looked like the horse.
Cocky: Oh yeah, but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Me: How is Celine doing these days?
Cocky: Walking like she just got off a horse.
Me: *sigh* Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Cocked, locked, rocked, and ready to….god it burns so bad…MAKE IT STOP!
How am I doing? Any tips on what I should do next?
Scott in Madison
Me: Whatever you do, don’t take any phone calls without having them screened. Your proposed budget hasn’t fixed anything and the way I see it, it would be a band-aid on a cut jugular. Already school districts are cutting teachers. You have fixed nothing. Give more tax breaks to corporations so they can send jobs overseas. oh and since you were a brown bagging tea bagger maybe your first step in budget cuts should have been cutting all elected officials salaries by 20%. Also, get rid of your baseball bat in your office. It impresses no one, Desperado. Oh and maybe you should try to get a college degree. Just saying you know because 100% of a Wisconsin teachers have degrees and you come off as a hypocrite telling them how to do their jobs.
Cocky: You ain’t so bad, godfather. There may be hope for you yet.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I got a prostate exam on Valentine’s Day. Should I send the doctor a dozen roses?
Valentino in Viola
Me: I am sure this is a joke but I do applaud you in taking an effort into making sure you have a healthy prostate.
Cocky: Of course it’s a joke which is why I answer with a joke, you only send flowers if you blew him after he asked to exam your tonsils and said he had a special tongue depresser.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am a bit of a bind. I need money ASAP. Do you have any tips on how to get some fast cash?
Needy in Neenah
Me: Well one thing I have learned that when you are desperate it is nearly impossible to make quick cash. If the bind is overwhelming you may want to find your nearest casino and play roulette. There are a variety of ways to play and quickly learned strategies but if you do play, you have to learn when to quit.
Cocky: Don’t listen to him! He plays the easy game and doesn’t have the balls to play the numbers. He plays the colors. He puts $5 on black or red and sure it doubles his money but it takes forever.
Me: Cocky, it’s the safest bet in a casino and has the greatest chance of victory. Need I remind you that I have only lost one time when I played roulette.
Cocky: That’s because you chicken out and quit after you win 5 or 6 spins.
Me: Maybe I should tell him to find his nearest game of chicken roulette.
Cocky: YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD NEVER MENTION THAT!
Me: Did I? Many of you probably haven’t heard of how I met Cocky. I rescued him. He was being used in a game of chicken roulette behind a barn that was converted into a bar. Why don’t you tell them how it was played?
Cocky: They put me in a 10ft by 10ft pen. The floor was divided into squares with numbers painted on. People placed bets as to which square my poop would land. It was the lowest point of my life. Sure I was fed a lot of great chili but I never saw one cent.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am just a young girl and I have recently entered womanhood. My mother died when I was young so I have no female in the house to help me with my problem so I thought that I would come to you first. I am having trouble inserting tampons. What should I do?
Despondent in Dover
Me: Uh….I am so honored that you would come to this website for help with your problem. I have no clue about the workings of said devices. What you may want to do is go to a trusted female authority figure such as a teacher or someone at school. While I was teaching I was faced with this problem. I had one girl in my class and she had these issues so I escorted her to a female teacher who was young and considered “cool”. Maybe an aunt or female cousin could help.
Cocky: Get a plumber’s helper and a flat head screwdriver and well that should resolve any problems you have.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Which social networking site do you prefer: Myspace or Facebook?
Loser in Lomira
Me: Well why isn’t Xanga an option? Oh yeah because every time people try to socialize or be funny it creates drama and people crying that white people and Christians are oppressed. Well I am going to go with myspace and in a future blog entry I will tell you why even though I am not on myspace much these days because I love XANGA!
Cocky: Why isn’t Xpeeps and option? The social networking site for adults and pornagraphers and the only site that has a Cocky appreciation group. OK so maybe the group isn’t named after me and they drop a letter in my name but it appreciates big dicks like the me and the Godfather. Me in the sense of having a large penis and the Godfather in the sense of being a whiny liberal asshole. I can’t even upload photos with my name in them onto myspace so why bother. Why hasn’t any Xangan tackled the issue of cock oppression?
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I just joined a great company but I have found one flaw: a co-worker who works no more than 3 hours in an 8-hour workday. She spends time at lunch, shopping, personal phone calls, and chatting with other workers. Her behavior makes me think she has no respect for her fellow co-workers. I have to take up the slack. She has been here for two years and I just don’t see how she keeps her job. Should I make waves and complain about her performance, or go with the flow?
Hard-worker in Hortonville
Me: I wouldn’t advise making wave in your first days on the job. If you complain you could rock a boat that no one wants moved. You are working hard and she is working sub-par. Maybe you were hired to make up for her incompetence.
Cocky: The way I see it, if she isn’t hanging out on Xanga all day giving the Godfather the eprops then you punch her in the throat and say, “Bitch, get your ass to work.” If that doesn’t work, make a fake petition that is written to the president of the company asking for the manager to be fired. Then when you see the manager hand him the petition and say, “Look what that incompetent ingrate gave me.” If that doesn’t work, throat punches for everyone.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
My husband wants to go on a dangerous expedition. I am so afraid he will never come home. He has always been an outdoor lover and has taken many trips but this trip will tax him maximally. People have died. He says he wants to go now before we have children. What can I do to stop him?
Indoors Lover in Ixonia
Me: I am not sure you can. You knew he had this tendency when you married him. People do not give up the things they do just because they get married. No wedding ring has turned a roamer into a faithful husband or a dare devil into a cream puff. I applaud his wisdom in understanding that once he has children these expeditions are history. Children need security. Wives, on the other hand, usually know what they are getting into.
Cocky: Holy shit! I have to agree with the Godfather. Once you put that ring on, it doesn’t mean he’s going to puss out and become the Godfather. You best get to the kitchen and make your man some sandwiches for his trip.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
What do you think of Watson, the computer on Jeopardy? How are you planning on welcoming our new robot overlords?
In Jeopardy in Janesville
Me: Honestly, I think it’s no cause for alarm. I didn’t even know Jeopardy was still on the air so I think it’s clearly a way to boost ratings.
Cocky: RUN! Did you hear me? RUN! Maybe I didn’t make myself clear. RUN! Or if you’re like the godfather, bury your head in the sand and let the robot overlords sodomize you. RUN!
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
What movies are you two anxious to see? I bet the bleeding heart, limp wristed liberal Godfather is all about slathering on Michael Moore’s nuts for his movie Capitalism.
Movie Goer in Mondovi
Me: Well thank you for calling me that. I appreciate when readers take time to mock me. Bravo! Not only did you get my political thoughts wrong but you also managed to offend a group of readers.
Cocky: Answer the damn question, Olberman!
Me: *sigh* actually I am somewhat interested in the Michael Moore movie because of his interviews with Christian leaders who state that the American tradition of capitalism is against Biblical teachings. The movie I want to see most that I haven’t seen yet is Where the Wild Things Are. What about you, Beck?
Cocky: OOOOOOHHHHHH GLEN BECK YOU HURT MY FEELINGS!
Me: Just be thankful you aren’t a frog or I would do my impersonation of Glen Beck right now.
Cocky: Touché…I guess the movie I am most anxious for is Jon and Kate Fuck 8
Cocky: Me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
Me: OR send me a message here at Xanga.
Cocky: Also if you have ever posed nude and want your photos kept safe make sure you email them to me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
Me: Cocky, you are such a dick.
Cocky : Wrong! I’m a cock.
Rec or die!
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