A friend of mine needs responses for a survey he's conducting for a research paper in his Master's program.  I told him the folks at Xanga would help out.  Don't prove me wrong.  Oh and if you rec it as well...I'll like be happy and stuff.

Please take a moment to answer the following:

1. "Public Libraries are important places of information access."
Strongly Disagree
Disagree
No Opinion
Agree
Strongly Agree

2. "Public Libraries are vital for the future of our country."
Strongly Disagree
Disagree
No Opinion
Agree
Strongly Agree

Please take a moment to describe yourself along the following metrics:

1. Boy/Girl
2. White/Black/Hispanic/Asian/Native American/Multiracial
3. Conservative/Liberal/Independent/No Politics
4. 14-18/19-22/23-35/35-50/51-65/66+ (Age)

Wellity wellity wellity...here we are again...clean up on aisle 5.  Damn, The Office was great tonight.  I hate to say it but if I were on that staff I would consider ending the series after this season so that it could go out on a high note but what do I know, I watched the Cavemen series and submitted my ideas.  Too bad they canceled that show; I could have saved it...two words: flashback sequences.  Oh I keep going on and you don't care, you want links.  well here they are.

1.  Kim Jong Il has the greatest job in the world.  He just goes around looking at things.  Don't believe me?  Then take a look at Kim Jong Il Looking at Things.  I so want to be a dictator.  Maybe I can be the next dictator of Wisconsin. 

2.  There was an episode of Family Guy where Peter fed Magnum P.I. who was on the screen of his TV and then when the shot cut to Higgins he scolded Higgins because he was already fed.  Well that got me thinking, "Is Family Guy funny or hilarious?"  And then I wondered, "Do people actually feed inanimate objects?"  Well they do and here's Feeding Objects.

3.  When I see politicians I automatically thing "Mean Girls".  Well someone else did and they made a successful tumblr called Mean Girls in the White House.  Yeah I can't describe it correctly, you just have to see it.

4.  I remember a person in a minority cultures class in college saying that he understood the plight of African Americans because he was a waiter at a Denny's.  That was one of the only times in college that my laughter disrupted the class.  I don't know where I'm going with this but here's I Studied Abroad.  Read the description to get the proper feel of the site.

5.  Terry Richardson is a photographer and this is his photo diary.  Xanga sure could use some popular photographer to have a photo diary but then they would need their photo uploader to work properly.

6.  One thing I have always disliked in movies is when they cut to a flashback and they show the main character as a child and the child looks nothing like the actor.  Here's a collection of those casting moments but they aren't all bad, some are pretty good.  Oh and for those close to me, you'll understand why I love February 6th even if he dyed his hair.

7.  I know some of you don't believe when I say that I am Christian but I guess that is a bad indictment on my part.  I just don't want to go shoving my beliefs down your throat and I would like your respect in not doing that to me.  Anyway, enough of that, one thing I have disliked in church is how pastors and priests have horrible vestments(their uniforms).  I know I posted this link to Bad Vestments before but a friend who is a pastor showed me this stole...I tawt I taw a sitty stole.

8. If you are a small guy and have a difficult time keeping a condom on, there is now a trash bag condom.  Put it on and tighten it just like a trash bag.  I immediately think of Willie Nelson in Half Baked, "You know how much condoms cost back in the day?" "How much?"  "Hell if I know, we never used them."

9.  A while back I was exploring webcams situated around the globe and I found one for the Abbey Road crossing where The Beatles were photographed for their Abbey Road album.  Well I sat around watching for about 10 or 15 minutes and I counted at 5 different groups going out in the middle of the road to get their photograph taken while crossing the street.  It's amazing how patient motorists are.

10.  I was watching TV earlier this evening and saw a commercial for McDonald's and there was something in the commercial that set me off and made me remember the McDonald's commercials of old.  Those things were terrifying.  I'm surprised kids actually want to go to McDonald's after seeing some of those commercials.  Here are 8 of the worst. 

11.  I've always been fascinated with what people eat for their last meal before they die.  I guess I am odd like that but I just find it so fascinating to know that sort of stuff.  It's made me think of what I'd like for my last meal.  Anyway, enough morbid thoughts here, go look at the Last Supper Club.  I think I could make a few posts about that site.

12.  And why aren't the tea baggers jumping on the protesting against Scott Walker?  I think it's because Obama stood up for the protesting and the tea baggers policy is that whatever position Obama takes, they take the opposite.  So he said we should wait and see about what happens in Egypt and they say we aren't doing enough.  He says we should support the protesting in Wisconsin, tea baggers say we shouldn't.  Well when I look at it, I'm shocked that all the people who were cheering for the Egyptians aren't doing that for us Wisconsinites.  When it comes down to it, we are protesting for the same thing as the Egyptians...sky-rocketing food prices, lowered wages, no say in politics...Scott Walker has become the Mubarak of the Midwest...he is Mini Mubarak.

Oh Madison...you're so clever, you gave us The Onion and the recall.  And if you don't get this, check out Scumbag Steve.


Things got pretty wild over in Egypt.  IF only we had Carl Spackler putting out the fires in Wisconsin.

And a Diet Coke, please.

I WANT!

Well, that's unfortunate.  Oh wait, that's good.  Too bad he can't restore worker's rights.

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

You mad?  OK, I had to get that out of my system.

For those of you who are new to these parts, I used to do a regular post featuring me answering questions alongside my cock, my pet rooster, Cocky McCockburns.  Cocky and I are back to tackle your questions after an exhausting Valentine's Day.

Me: So Cocky how was your time off for Valentine's?
Cocky: You should be asking how was my time getting off.
Me: Umm...no.
Cocky:  Oh it was so exciting.  I finally tricked out my car.

Cocky: Do we tell the readers of the Valentine's Day debacle.
Me: Oh please don't.
Cocky: Well I won't have to tell them, I have photographic evidence and it is very graphic.

Me: Please...stop.
Cocky: Funny how saying "stop" didn't stop you from stroking me and crying how alone you were.
Me: It is a depressing day.
Cocky: Christ, the only thing that got depressed at your house was the computer chair being depressed from your ass cheeks.
Me: Oh...OK...are you ready?
Cocky: Cocked, locked and ready to unload.
Me: Excellent...and now a word from our sponsors.

Fighting Cock Bourbon is aged for 6 years in oaken barrels to make it a classic 103 proof bourbon and giving it a smooth and robust flavor.  The brand name reflects the proud, passionate, independent spirit that the Fighting Cock bird embodies. Indeed, during World War II, a fighter squadron adorned the cowls of their planes with this proud but fierce emblem. Fighting Cock is a hallmark of Heaven Hill's fine Bourbons.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I have become weary of the state of Xanga.  I mean all that people seem to talk about is racism, abortion, or evolution.  The worst part of all the arguing is that they are all saying the same things and they agree with each other in theory but for the sake of argument they disagree.  What is your take in all of this?
                                         Beleaguered in Beaver Dam
Me: Well I have been a silent observer.  It seems that no matter which side you take, you get attacked even though you are against racism.  I have had experiences with racism.
Cocky: Experiences, man...because I am a colorful character, I've had people say I look like parrots.  That is blatant avianism.
Me: I am so sorry you had to experience that.
Cocky:  It makes me feel so abused.
Me: How about that time when I was called the n-word.  That lady walked into the store where I was working and asked me, "N-word, where can I find a toothbrush that says Wisconsin Dells?"  I felt weird.  Then there was the time at Blockbuster where I was reading the back of a DVD case and a guy came up to me and said, "Oh snap!  N-word that movie will scare the shit out of you!" 
Cocky:  They called you a derogatory name for another race?
Me: Yes and then there was the time I was at a chain restaurant/bar with a guy from my church and we were talking about deer hunting.  I said that because of my health I hadn't been able to go out and all I could do was shine.  I went on about shining.  Then one man stood and got in my face and asked, "Who you calling a shine, cracker?" 
Cocky: So your alleged intolerance was answered with ignorance?  Bravo!
Me: I guess what I am saying is that no Xangan is going to cure society's ills unless Fred Durst returns to Xanga, then it may happen.  Promotion and awareness are great but name-calling to make your argument is not warranted.  My greatest piece of advice is not to click the link. 

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I have a friend whose wife is expecting their first child.  He just told me about an extramarital affair he was having with a 16 year old girl.  I was angered and reminded him of his wife at home.  He said that he had a moral lapse of reason.  Should I remain friends with him?  Should I write an anonymous letter to his wife explaining the affair?
                                         Conundrum in Coon Valley
Me: First of all, your friend is a moral zero.  If I was you I would dump this friend. 
Cocky: The best way to dump someone is with a good old punch to the throat....it feels great to bring back that piece of advice.
Me: As for the anonymous letter, they accomplish nothing.  If you are concerned sit down with his wife and explain what is bothering you.  If he is out fucking teenagers then he is risking exposure to the wife and future child with disease amongst other things.
Cocky:  Yeah, you also get your friend to give you that girl's number and send her over my way so I can peck her eyes out for homewreckin'.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
How has the Simpsons lasted so many seasons?
                                          Simpsons Fan in Spring Green
Me: They keep putting out quality material because of great writers and they don’t have a “real” cast so they can get away with never aging.
Cocky:  Bullshit!  They are starting to repeat their own storylines.  The real reason they have lasted so long is the same as how another Simpson got away with murder.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
Does it make me gay if my girlfriend likes to screw me up the butt with a strap-on?  I forgot to mention that she has a beard.
                                    Anally in Alma Center
Me: No, I think it only makes you gay if you are gay.
Cocky:  So are you auditioning to be the next Dali Lama?
Me: No, his question is valid because many straight men fear that receiving anal pleasure makes them gay.
Cocky: And with that statement, you’ll be the next victim of the bait bus.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
How do you tell your girlfriend you want have her get some fake titties without hurting her feelings?
                                    Chesticles in Chilton
Me: There is no way you could go about doing that without hurting her feelings.  You should love your girlfriend for who she is and accept everything about her.
Cocky: Don’t listen to the hippy.  What you do is this: pour maple syrup all over her breasts and when she asks why, you say you thought you were eating pancakes.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
What is the world’s worst pick-up line?
                                    Pick-up Artist in Peshtigo
Me: Cocky, are you ready to unleash your worst?
Cocky: Of course, fruity, I’m always ready to beat you.
Me: Are you from Tennessee? Is that why you're missing teeth?
Cocky: Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to stalk you?
Me: Pardon me, do you have an orifice you're not using?
Cocky: Do you know karate? 'Cause I need to know if you're gonna put up a fight.
Me: Are your legs tired? THEN STOP RUNNING FROM ME, BITCH!
Cocky: You’re prettier than a new set of whitewall tires.
Me: Do you want to see something swell?
Cocky: Hey, sis, get in the back of the truck.
Me: And we have a winner

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
How would you go about picking lotto numbers?
                                    Lotto Lover in Luck
Me: Well the lottery isn’t something I play.  I do play scratch-offs occasionally but the big games aren’t for me.  It’s nice that some money goes to school districts but that is miniscule.  I would say just do a random guess. 
Cocky : You go up to the nearest old lady, punch her in the throat, steal her purse, and then use her social security card to select your numbers.

Me: OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

  And if you have any questions for Cocky and myself, you can send them to Formspring or email them to--
Cocky: Me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
Me: OR send me a message here at Xanga.
Cocky:  Also if you have ever posed nude and want your photos kept safe make sure you email them to me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
Me: Cocky, you are such a dick.
Cocky : Wrong!  I'm a cock.

Rec or die!

If men are from Mars and women from Venus, then a Martian man’s head is still ruled by his penis.  You know what would be cool, having a 12 inch penis.  I’d be 6 times the man I am now and if you can, don’t do the math.  I’m hoping with the deplorable condition of our public school system that no one will get that.  Why do guys spend more on Valentine’s Day than women?  Women have vaginas.  I don’t care what she says, Taco Bell is romantic.  Nothing says “I love you” like a little blue box from Tiffany’s but if you’re realistic like me then you’ll look up in the sky and tell her you named a star after her and that don’t cost a thing or you could cut out a photo of something nice and slap it inside a greeting card and tell her it’s on backorder.  Also if you are on a fixed income and want to use those Fire and Ice condoms just get regular condoms and use Icy Hot as lube.  If you put up curtains in your van than everyone pretty much knows you’re a child molester.  Every time I hear a girl say she just got a facial, I crack up.  If a girl says she enjoys parodies, tell her to pretend that her mouth is your hand.  When couples fight they have to look on the bright side, without that argument then they couldn’t have make-up sex.  Girls, if I ever send you junk mail please send it to your inbox.  I’m an aspiring magician and I need a female assistant to help me with the “disappearing penis” trick.  I only tend to stick with missionary because I can’t commit to a sex change.  The best way to get a smoking hot girlfriend is to set your current girlfriend on fire.  I can’t believe Valentine’s Day makes it possible for a guy with a single rose bought at a gas station can get laid.  I find it funny how as it got closer to Valentine’s Day all the single guys were scrambling to find dates and all the guys in relationships were looking to get out of them. And it’s also funny how married people exchange gifts hoping to have sex while single people exchange fluids while hoping not to be lonely.  When I was a kid, I always stuff things into girls’ Valentine’s boxes but as an adult I find it difficult to get a girl to allow me to give her a Valentine…and you thought I was going to be dirty and say, “I find it hard to shove my Valentine’s gift into a girl’s box.”  You’re a pervert!  The best way to get sex is to act like you don’t want it or at least that is what I’ve been telling myself all these years.  Masturbating on a bed covered with rose petals is not the same.

The best way to keep promises is to never make any.

You know when Tom Cruise flips out his handlers have to punch him in the back of the head to put him in Cruise Control.

I bought an old bowling trophy at a garage sale this past weekend.  I plan on telling people that I won a Grammy for “Best New Vuvuzela Artist”.

Did you know Burt Reynolds invented Reynolds’ Wrap?  He intended it to be a new type of condom.

Why is that for 364 days a year I call myself single and then the other day I say I’m lonely?

When someone tells me that we should agree to disagree, I usually shake them with one hand and punch them with the other.

I had some parents tell me they won’t let their kids say “shut up” or “stupid”.  I guess their kids will never get to play with my children because Shut Up and Stupid need play-dates.

People who sell marijuana have bake sales.

I’m not allowed to have children because I haven’t mastered wiping.

You know when you log into Xanga, there’s that thing that slides down from Firefox that wants to remember your password and it says, “Remember Me”.  Is it wrong that I start singing, “Don’t you forget about me” every single time?

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

Patton Oswalt had a list of 22 people you should follow on twitter.  I didn’t make the list.  That sucks because I was going to tell everyone that they should go out and see Patton’s movie “Big Fan” because it is a great film and probably his best acting role to date but that isn’t saying much since he was on King of Queens.  But I won’t tell people they should go out and see “Big Fan”.

Have you ever thought that Facebook may be society’s suicide note?

There’s no more Guitar Hero?  Does this mean that people will have to play an actual guitar to get girls?

I am now accepting jobs as a motivational speaker at elementary schools.

I bet Hugh Hefner got laid yesterday…gawd…I am so alone.

If you recommend this, I’ll let you be president of Egypt or governor of Wisconsin…I promise.

Because I this is such a depressing day, here are cards that made me smile.  And if you want a Valentine from me, save one of these pictures and print it out and voila you have a Valentine.

 

And because Xanga allows anti-Semitism to be tolerated and featured on the main page:

And here's one I found especially for someone out there.

Happy Valentine's Day.

(This is another re-post and is the second in a series of three at this point.  I'll get the third one up later today when I feel this one has an adequate amount of comments.  I feel ashamed to write these again but then it's Valentine's so I figure I have to hide my loneliness.  Oh well, if you missed the first it can be read here.)

Girl, what is it that you want from me?  Do you need me to get you feminine hygienic products?  I can do that.  Do you want me to squash that spider?  I can do that even though I have a fear of spiders ever since that one spider bit me and I almost lost a leg as a result.  Do you want me to make you a drink?  I have my own personal bar, stocked with the choicest of rail liquors.  Gin and Tonic?  I can make it.  Fuzzy Navel?  I can make it.  How about I make you my favorite summertime drink.  You know the one.  It starts with some crisp Citronen citrus vodka and and then I mix it with the healthy elixir that is Dr. McGuilicutty's Cherry Schnapps and then it is all mixed with some fine Country Time Lemonade and served over ice cubes that I specially made with the most delectable of tap water.  Girl, it's delicious.

So, girl, why am I asking you for what you want?  Well...girl, your wish is my command.

Your first wish is that I clean up.  I take my shower and shampoo with the suavest of the Suave Shampoos.  It is lavender scented.  Why lavender?  Girl, it's your favorite.  After I thoroughly dry off, I shave with my Norelco razor.  Girl, I have to admit that I fear cutting myself with a razor blade.  Still I get a close and smooth shave.  It may not be as smooth as a baby's butt, but, girl, I know you like it rough.

I decide that I need to dress up for you.  Those silk boxers that you adore?  They go on first.  Girl, I know it must sound bizarre that I would tell you that I put my boxers on first but I don't want you to think that I am a fool and I want to dress perfectly because, girl, your wish is my command.

I have decided to go with my black suit because you have said this is your favorite of my suits.  It was purchased at the Men's Warehouse because I am a frugal shopper and they stand behind every purchase and they guarantee it.  My shirt?  Well, it's that burgundy one that you and I both like.  My tie is hard to select because you always compliment me on my tie collection.  I narrow the choices to a red and white striped silk tie that was a gift from a friend who taught English in China because it goes with my shirt and by selecting this one I want you to see that I surround myself with desirable and professional characters because, girl, I am not a thug; the black and white check tie that I got in my tie of the month club; or the Jerry Garcia painting print tie.  I have decided to go with the Jerry tie but don't worry, it's not Jerry himself but one of his abstract paintings.  I have selected this tie because I want you to see that I have excellent taste in art and music. 

Next, I have to choose my cologne.  Which should I go with, girl?  Really, you like that one?  So I slap on your choice, Angel by Thierry Mugler.  Thank you girl, I love this scent.  I smell like freshly baked cinnamon rolls.

I arrive at your place with some freshly picked wild flowers and a bottle of wine.  I ring your doorbell.  Those three notes sound like an angel chorus to me, girl, because they remind me that soon I will be in your luscious presence.  You answer the door.  I am speechless because you are standing in front of me.  Girl, you are my goddess in sweatpants.

I present you with the bottle of wine.  You question my selection.  It's Night Train, girl.  It will inspire us to ride the rails of love all night but I can assure you that it won't be an express trip nor will we visit the sleeper car on our foray to pleasure.  Girl, you know what I am talking about, you devilish little minx.

You are eying my other present, the wildflowers.  I give them to you.  You remark that you have never seen flowers quite like these.  Well, girl, I will let you in on a secret, I picked them at a local state park.  Yes, that means I am a criminal but I ain't a thug.  For you, girl, I would pick a million wildflowers under fear of prosecution.  You sniff the ill-picked flowers and smile.  Girl, remember these flowers are part of my bad-boy persona but I ain't a thug.

Girl, here I am, what do you want me to do?  Really, right away?  Your wish is my command.  Girl, this may get a little dirty.  I have to take off my suit.  Just lay back and get ready for me to go to work.  Some people will say that what I am about to do is unhygienic but your wish is my command.  Girl, relax and let me take over.  You must have gotten started before I got here because it is so wet.  My fingers and hands are soaked up to my elbows.  Girl, normally I wouldn't do this just for anyone but your wish is my command and I will happily scrub your toilet.

Girl, now what do you want me to do?  OK, I can make you a snack.  What goes good with Night Train?  That's right, girl, S'Mores!  I begin with the most scrumptious of marshmallows and the finest choice cut of chocolates, Hershey's.  Girl, I can't hide my money when I am with you.  I sandwich the chocolate and marshmallow between two crisp yet delicate golden graham crackers.  Girl, thirty seconds in the microwave and then you can have this gooey and sticky goodness in your mouth.  Relax, girl, you sit on the couch and I will bring them to you.  Lay back and open your mouth.  Does it taste good?  Oops, there is some on your cheek.  Let me lick that off.  I forgot the wine.  Drink up.  All aboard the Night Train, girl.

MMM...that Night Train hit the spot and well it should when it only costs $2 a bottle.  Girl, you are so drunk.  I don't think you can make it up your stairs.  Well, girl, I will carry you.  Just watch you head as we go through the doorway.

Girl, have you lost weight?  You are as light as a feather in my arms.  Now we have reached a predicament that may prove difficult to solve.  How do I peel back the covers for you while holding you in my arms?  OK, I got it.  I fling you on my shoulder and quickly fling off your covers and then I gently lay you down and tuck you in to your soft and warm bed.  Girl, you want to do what?  No, although I appreciate the offer of sex, I can't accept when you are in this condition.  This is one wish that I cannot grant.  To avoid temptation I will go sleep on your couch.  This will serve a dual purpose because I may want to watch late night informercials so that I learn about new toys and study of the wonders of Post-T-Vac and Girls Gone Wild.

I wake up and I hear you snoring but girl, it's the cutest.  I decide to make you breakfast.  Girl, Night Train does not agree with me in the morning because it is the Night Train and can only be enjoyed in the night time which means your breakfast may be scant.  I have prepared for you some freshly cut fruit and your favorite, Eggo waffles.

You are still sleeping and, girl, you look like an angel.  You wake up when you smell the maple syrup on the delicious Eggo waffles.  You love your breakfast.  Sitting here and watching you eat has got me thinking about taking you up on your offer from last night.  Yes, I thought about it all night because, girl, you haunt my dreams.  First things first, girl, you're gonna have to leggo that Eggo so I can rock your world.  What?  I have never heard such a request.  Of course I can hit you doggystyle so you can eat your breakfast because, girl, your wish is my command.

Damn!

(This is a re-post.  I wanted to share it again because it's nearing Valentine's Day and I am trying to get in the mood to write more.  Enjoy!)

Girl, I know you said this time of year is bad for you and you are stressing about all the increasing work that you have to do, but, girl, I have one word for you.

Relax.

That's right.  You have to relax otherwise you will cause harm to your hot, little body.  Stress can lead to hair loss and stomach ulcers.  Girl, you don't want that.  So what am I going to do?  I'm going to rock your world.

I will pick you up at a designated time.  You will see an all white Hummer limo in front of your place of residence.  Then when I see the astonished look on your face, I will jump out of the back of the limo.  You will look at me and be shocked because I just bought a new suit at the Men's Warehouse because they stand behind every purchase and they guarantee it.  Girl, your chariot awaits.

I will hold the door open for you.  You will be speechless upon entry.  Your eyes will bulge from your skull as you see the roses, champagne, cognac, and wide variety of juiceboxes.  I will pour you a glass of champagne and myself I will pop a straw into an Ectoplasm Cooler.  You will sip your champagne as we begin your trip to relaxation.

The driver will stop outside the $3 store where everything costs $3, even the laser pointers.  I remember how much you admired my gold necklace that I was wearing the other day.  Girl, I have to come clean.  I bought it here at the $3 Store.  I will buy you anything your heart desires.  What?  You want a Louis Vuitton bag?  Well how about a $3 Store special, the Louis Vooton bag.  Damn, girl, I rented a limo just for you.

The driver will take us to the finest restaurant in town.  You will dine on lobster as I enjoy the complimentary bread rolls and water.  The lobster will satisfy your appetite.  I lean over and whisper that dessert will be served later at my house.

The driver takes us back to my house but before we leave I make you stuff all the champagne, cognac, and juiceboxes in your newly bought Lous Vooton imitation leather bag.  I open the door for you, girl.  We go to my living room and sit on the couch that I bought at Goodwill.  Do you want to play checkers, read poetry, or watch TV?  You opt for the TV.  Girl, for your relaxation I am going to let you operate the remote.  It is in your hand.  You choose what we watch be it The Antiques Roadshow or another needless reality program.  The choice is yours, girl.

While you are settling in watching a program that I do not care for I get your dessert.  Fresh strawberries and chocolate.  I dip the strawberries in the chocolate and feed them to you.  Girl, do you know how difficult this is for me?  I hate strawberries but tonight is all about you. 

After you have had your fill of strawberries and chocolate, you say that you are getting tired and could use a bath.  I lead you by the hand to the penthouse portion of my house or as what some people call the upstairs.  Girl, are you relaxed?  I draw a bath for you and light some candles that I bought at the local candle shop.  They smell like lilacs. 

As you bathe, I am preparing my bedroom for the relaxation that is about to come.  You yell at me because I forgot to lay out a towel...or did I?  I give you one of my newly purchased towels just for your pleasure.  It was a Martha Stewart towel that I bought on clearance at K-Mart.  It is soft and dries you off.

I lead you by the hand into my bedroom.  You see the rose pedals on my bed.  I beckon you to come to me.  I hit the cd player and we are listening to the smooth sound of Pantera but you don't like Pantera.  Well, girl, you pick the music.  You can pick whatever you want.  I have everything from ABBA to ZZ Top.  Girl, you can even pick some classic music because I don't care if it makes you pretentious. 

Marvin Gaye is coming from the speakers.  I take back the bedspread to reveal a new set of red silk sheets that I purchased at Bed, Bath and Beyond.  They are the finest of 500 thread count sheets.  I spent painstaking time to count each thread just for you.  The sheets are smooth just like your skin.  As Marvin Gaye sing, "Let's Get it On" I lean in and rock your world.

We do not need to look to the sky for the fireworks that are displayed across the night sky because we are making our own fireworks and if you want later we can go outside to my garage and I will show you my firework collection.  Before you came I stopped at the Firework Depot where everything is buy one get one free.  I am prepared for the Fourth of July.

The strenuous activities make us sleep in.  I wake up while you lay on the smooth silk sheets.  I prepare you a brunch consisting of a variety of fruit, freshly squeezed orange juice, pancakes(some embedded with blueberries and others embedded with chocolate chips), and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.  We feast.  You ask why did I make Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.  Why, girl, it's the cheesiest!

Well, girl, I hope you found some relaxation.  If not we can repeat this all over again but without the lobster and the limo.  We are in an economic crisis after all.  No money or product can replace you.  Girl, you are my most cherished possession.

Damn!

It was during football camp in early to mid August.  It was triple digits and we had a grueling practice and on top of that I woke up about 3 hours before practice started so I could get a workout in beforehand.  I was really trying to make that football thing work.  My dad picked me up from practice to take me home and he wanted lunch so he stopped at McDonald's.  Normally this physical specimen doesn't let McDonald's enter my body but I made an exception....ok, so at that time I was eating there once or twice a week.  Anyway I told him what I wanted and then walked to the bathroom.  I had my head down because I was exhausted.  I entered and thought it was strange that there weren't any urinals in the bathroom so I just shrugged and hit the stall.  I finished and washed and walked out.  As I opened the door a mother with a small child was coming in.  She looked at me with horror and I thought, "Why is she going in the men's restroom?"  Then I saw the sign on the door.  Oh well, I survived.

And on that note...it's time for cats because it's Caturday.

Spread the word, people.

The internet roughly consists of 50% porn, 40% cats, and the rest falls in the other 10%.

Caturday is IMMORTAL!

Ninja cat will kick your ass

You know it's best straight from the tap.

STAY ON TARGET!

I really have no clue but I figured some people would really love this one.

That's what I look like after watching football.

And I bet you can't figure out what Opera Cat's favorite opera is...if you said "Cats" you're wrong.  It's Pagliacci.

Yeah, you know it was bound to happen.

What is the deal with cats and boxes...oops sorry, have Seinfeld on in the background.

It looks like Socks had his own Secret Service detail.

Determination

Valentine's Day is fast approaching.

It appears that some are sick of Caturday.

Hey guess what...it's time.  I don't know about you but the highlight of my week was running into a high school classmate at a Walmart and talking to her and her young child and then having a clerk at Walmart say we had a cute child and that she had my chubby cheeks.  We just smiled.  Nope, the kid wasn't mine and from my limited knowledge of biology I know it can't be mine.  The lowlight of the week was walking into a bathroom at Best Buy and seeing two guys going at it.  My bladder was about ready to explode...thank you blood pressure meds...I walked in and said "shit" and walked out.  About 30 seconds later the giver ran out.  Not a word was said.  OK sorry to ruin the post already but I did.  Some images may not be safe for work or for life...NSFW and NSFL

It was reported this week that Victoria Beckham had an iphone personally designed for her.  It contained 24 carat gold and is valued at $35,000.  People are revolting in Egypt for their freedom and she's practicing her freedom by practicing extravagance.  I wonder how many homeless people that could feed.  Has anyone seen my copy of Little Red Book?

Here's Taylor Momsen dressed up for the premiere of Justin Bieber's movie.  She's 17 which happens to be the perfect age for Mark Sanchez of the New York Jets.  So she was photographed lurking around an alley at the premiere.  Gee, I don't remember anyone dressing like that when I was 17.  Nor do I remember anyone lurking in alleys.  I wonder what she's doing.  Also I always had a saying about whether or not clothing was appropriate.  Would you want to see your grandma wearing it?  I wonder if Taylor follows that rule and I wonder if she'll dress like that when she's 70.

It's tax season and Snooki is better than you.  Apparently she makes $15,000 to make appearances at night clubs.  What is the point of my college degree?  Why would a club spend that much for one night?  It's a horrible return on money.  Charlie Sheen could get three times the amount of skanks for that amount of money.

Shia LaBeouf get in a fight at a bar Saturday morning.  Another person at the bar called him a fucking faggot.  Shia took exception and said that he would kick this man's ass.  Shia then lunged and hit the guy in the lip and split it open.  Just as Shia hit the guy, the police were driving by and saw the fight.  They were both taken into custody and neither decided to press charges.  The dude probably didn't press charges because he didn't want people to know he's a homophobe and Shia didn't press because he didn't want people knowing he's a drunk.  It's sort of why I don't press charges when I wake up in a strange bed and there's a Mariachi band sleeping on the floor.  It's to be expected and will just happen next week.

Rihanna is trying to reduce her restraining order against Chris Brown so she can reunite with him.  Oh it's so nice to see people patch up their differences and embrace their love but what will it take for Rihanna to learn, being put in traction?  Getting close to Chris Brown is like toying with a dog on a leash.  It could snap at any second. 

Nick Nolte turned 70 this week.  This is most definitely an old photo.  Nick tends to look more homeless these days.  In fact just a few months ago his house burned down and the damage was estimated at $4million.  Wow, losing a house to fire instead of foreclosure...that's so retro.  I can't do it here, but I used to be able to do a pretty good Nick Nolte impression.  It was basically his move he makes in every move where he shakes his hands and head and say, "aaahhh oooohh jeez!"  Yeah, not to hard to pull off, I think anyone could do that after seeing a Nolte film, best choice for a lot of practice would be Blue Chips.  So Nick celebrated his birthday by buying a new cardboard box.

Miley Cyrus posed for Marie Claire this week and showed off a lot of chest.  So is that magazine a classy porno?  I can't wait for her to turn 18 because things will get wild.

My reaction was the same as Liza Minnelli's when I saw that dancer.  It sort of looks like Liza is about to start a staring contest with those nipples.  If I was in a staring contest with nipples, I would win.  In fact, I'm undefeated.

Lindsay Lohan appeared in court for her charges of felony theft.  You know you aren't dressed properly for court when the first thing I think is, "I wonder if she's wearing panties."  Lindsay got off lightly.  She had to post a $40,000 bail and appear in court at 8:30AM on February 23rd.  Damn, I hope she can get off from her hectic schedule.  The best part of all this is what the judge said: "You're in a different situation now that a felony has been filed against you.  If you violate the law, I will remand you and set no bail and your attorney won't be successful this time. ... You need to follow the laws just like everybody else. ... You're no different than anyone else, so please don't push your luck."  But she wasn't able to breathe a sigh of relief because that dress was way too tight.  Basically if she does anything wrong between now and the trial, she gets tossed in jail.  Also the district attorney asked that Lindsay's people stop contacting the jewelery store where she allegedly stole this necklace.  Someone has been sending the store flowers with apologetic notes.  Since when did they make "I'm sorry I stole from you" bouquets?

Here's a first look at Leonardo DiCaprio as J. Edgar Hoover in the movie J. Edgar.  He looks pretty dapper here but the biggest question is how will he look in a dress.

Well that was quick.  American's favorite seething ball of hate, Keith Olbermann landed a new job.  He is officially the Chief News Officer of Current TV and will have a nightly primetime commentary show.  I like how they just hand out official sounding titles that are meaningless.  If he can do it then so can I.  I am Xanga's Chief of Celebrity Occurrences and Cat Photos.  Now, pay me.

Katy Perry recently said that her boobs have been a burden and that when she was younger she wore a minimizer.  She claims that now they come in handy.  Like her breasts have been a hindrance and slowed her career.  I wonder where she'd be if instead of her 32Ds she had Kate Moss's 32As.  She'd be flat...on her face.

Justin Bieber took time out of his superstar career to be in a Super Bowl commercial.  At first I thought they were advertising new episodes of To Catch a Predator.  Gawd...that guy is creepy and you know that's what he'll look like in 25 years once all his money is gone.  I also got thinking that maybe Justin is trying to transition into acting and he's begging producers to bring back the Cavemen TV show.

A waiter told an interesting story to the National Enquirer this week.  He said that he was waiting on John Travolta and his wife, Kelly Preston.  During the meal, he asked them how their food was and Travolta casually asked for the waiter's phone number...IN FRONT OF KELLY!  The waiter claims that she said nothing and made no expression but kept on eating.  See, Travolta and Preston are great actors and should be honored with lifetime achievement awards for acting like they are a happy couple.

People are claiming that Eric Johnson, Jessica Simpson's boyfriend, has said that he will not marry her if she doesn't lose weight.  He's a former athlete and a vegan and Jessica is a brain-dead zombie who won't eat items that aren't friend and who is partial owner of a beer company.  That being said, Eric Johnson is full of shit.  People say she's near 150lbs.  Jessica can come over to me if he considers that fat because I need a larger lady who can handle my girth.

Jenny McCarthy was posing on the beach this week.  I don't know which is more fake: her tan, her boobs, or her views that vaccines are causing autism leading more and more children to die needless deaths because she has made parents fear getting their children vaccinated. 

Heidi Montag has a cameo appearance in Jennifer Aniston's new movie, Just Go with It.  Heidi claims that Jennifer banned her from the premiere.  Oh and Dan Patrick and his lackeys from the DP Show were there...LOL.  Heidi claimed that Jennifer did it so that Heidi wouldn't steal the spotlight.  She was also upset that Jennifer would ban her since Heidi is now trying to make a name for herself as an actress.  The only way she could make a name for herself is to star in a sextape where she takes all comers.  Jennifer Aniston denied Heidi's claims. 

And just before I posted this, Heidi recanted and said she knew if Jennifer banned her it wasn't true.  She also said she got an invite but couldn't go to New York because she was "working" and staying with her dogs (actual animals and no slang for friends) in L.A.  So she had no intentions of going and she blamed Jennifer Aniston for not inviting her?  I think all the silicon has settled in her brain and is making her say and do weird shit. 

Sweet Lord I can't stand Gwyneth Paltrow.  First off, this week she got a star on the Hollywood walk of fame.  What has she done?  Off the top of my head I can only think of 2 maybe 3 movies and in one she gets her head chopped off and in the other she plays a bitch.  It was also announced that she would be performing a song with CeeLo at the Grammy's and they would be singing with the Muppets.  How fitting for Gwyneth to perform with the Muppets!  They both can't control what they say and have sticks up their asses.

You're probably asking, "Who is this?"  Well this is D'Arcy Wretzky.  She was the former bass player of The Smashing Pumpkins.  She landed in jail for the strangest reason...she couldn't hold her horses.  In 2009, her horses got loose and ran wild through a Michigan town.  D'Arcy refused to pay a fine and skipped the court date so a warrant was issued for her arrest.  I thought sure this was a drunk driving arrest but nope she was sober.  The times they haven't been good for D'Arcy.  But she does have things going for her that Bill Corgan doesn't have and that is hair and eyebrows.  In other news, Lindsay Lohan has a new excuse as to why she can't appear in court...her horses are loose.

Burt Reynolds turned 75 today.  He celebrated by driving around in a fast car, eating his free meal at Denny's while drinking a gin and tonic, and then spreading icing over a case of Natty's Ice.  He also has taken to craigslist looking for a woman to help blow out his candle.  Oh wait...that's how I celebrate my birthday.

CONTROVERSY!  Models are upset that Brooklyn Decker will be the covergirl for the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition.  They are upset that she has already made a name for herself with her acting and think she doesn't need any more exposure since the cover makes you a household name.  Honestly I can't remember the names of S.I. swimsuit girls because I don't think I ever looked at their names.  So all these models are fighting with their claws out and my pants are off.  One source says Brooklyn is perfect for the cover because she has an All-American look, gives great interviews, and she's married to a great sportsman.  That is just code for "she's blonde and has big tits".  Sort of like how the pick the women who work on FOX News.  The people who pick the covergirl have it all wrong.  Most guys don't care if a girl can give a great interview and who is a media darling.  We want boobs.

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!  How can we take FOX seriously when they report this?  She has about 22 years before she can run for president and then what office has she held?  I bet once she gets elected she'll drop the whole abstinence thing and turn into a female version of Bill Clinton.  Just think...this could be our future political bumper stickers...Bristol Palin/Snooki 2034...Yeah, Snooki's a Republican because she hated how Obama taxed tanning salons.

Oh yeah Avril Lavigne is the epitome of punk rock.  Just look at her and she screams anti-establishment.  I really hate her music and how people claim she's so punk.   I hated those two years when she was popular and all the girls tried to dress like her and wore too much eyeliner and the button up shirts with ties.  Ridiculous.  I also hated how kids thought that she was edgy and was a pioneer of punk rock.  And then I would sit in my office and listen to The Ramones and The Dead Kennedys and it would blow their minds but Avril was still punk and edgy.

Ashlee Simpson filed for divorce from Pete Wentz this week.  Lately with the Hollywood set it's either divorce or popping out babies.  She probably saw him without his make-up and couldn't stand it so she bolted.  People are claiming that the split because Ashlee stayed home with their child Staten Island Baloo (shouldn't that be considered child abuse) while Pete is on the road making "music".  She is so cold hearted, wanting to stay at home and take care of their child.  What a monster!  People also claim that Pete is inconsolable and is constantly weeping.  I hope he applies no run mascara.

Alex Rodriguez was shown being fed popcorn by Cameron Diaz at the Super Bowl.  I remember when FOX showed that.  I started fuming and screaming that they should show something useful like the Packers beating the Steelers.  A-Rod got pissed off that this was shown on FOX and on the big screen.  He should know by now that he's going to have cameras following him.  I really hate that guy.  What a pussy!

Speaking of A-Rod, here's he's showing his chest to get beads at Mardi Gras but he didn't know that this week isn't Mardi Gras.  He sure has let himself go.  I remember a time long ago when my abs were that week.  It had to have been when I was 11.  What a pussy!

Alanis Morrissette debuted her new child with boyfriend Souleye this week.  Their son is named Ever Imre. That sort of sounds like a scent of air deodorizer.  Oh well, they all look happy.

This is Jenn Sterger.  She was "ambushed" by paprazzi and ended up posing for photos during Super Bowl weekend.  I guess anything to keep her name in the news since all she is famous for is seeing Brett Favre's penis.  Hey, did you know her last name "Sterger" spelled backwards is "regrets"?

And speaking of Brett Favre, a rumor spread today that he was on a list to be on the next season of Dancing with the Stars.  One of Brett's daughters said that the rumor wasn't true and and that he has no intentions of being on the show.  Yeah, he needs to get ready for next season and prepare for how he can con an NFL team to take a chance on him.  I think the Bills would be a decent fit.  Not like they have anything to lose.  Anyway, I doubt Favre will be on Dancing with the Stars.  He'd have to look at his dance partner in the eye and wouldn't be able to text her while they are dancing to say she's doing a good job.  Also the second he'd have a bad dance, he'd demand to be traded to So You Think You Can Dance or one of the other countless dance shows on TV.

Video Section
Betty White met Koko the gorilla.  Man, that Betty White is everywhere.  I think she's trying to talk Koko into doing a buddy cop movie.  There's no sound so maybe you could listen to something by Sarah McLachlan or the Night Court theme song in the background.

And if you missed it, here's Christina Aguilera butchering the national anthem.  Francis Scott Key rose from the grave and hijacked a car to drive to Dallas to kick her ass.  I seriously hate when these "artists" offer their "spin" on the anthem.  Just sing it and don't fucking vocalize that shit so it sounds like you are strangling Chewbaca with a phone cord.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.