Tomorrow marks the beginning of another professional baseball season so I thought I’d share some of my favorite baseball players.

Dick Pole whose catcher while playing with the Mariners was Bud Cheeks
“The Big Unit” Randy Johnson
Rollie Fingers
Antonio Bastardo

Kosuke Fukdome
Butts Wagner
Chief Bender
Woody Held

Stubby Clapp
Johnny Dickshot
Pete LaCock
Coco Crisp

Dick Littlefield
Pussy Tebeau
Razor Shines
Charles Gassaway

AND MY TEAM MVP IS….

Honorable Mention:
Gaylord Perry
Richie Sexson
John Jaha(whenever he came to bat..JOHN JA-HAhahahahaha)
Angel Pagan
Tim Spooneybarger
Jung Bong
John Boozer
J.J. Putz
Doe Boyland(Michael Jackson’s favorite player)
Dick Burns
Dick Flower
Chien Ming Wang
Boof Bosner
Pickles Dillhoefer
Doug Gwosdz(pronounced Goosh!)
Heinie Manush
Coot Veal
Bob “Death to the Flying Things” Ferguson (back when he played, fielders rarely wore gloves and his nickname meant he was good at catching pop-ups)
Lou “Biscuit Pants” Gerhig (before he was the “Iron Horse” he had that nickname)
Mordecai “Three Fingers” Brown (He only had three fingers on his throwing hand and Mr. Burns still wanted him for the nuclear plant’s softball team)
Hugh “Losing Pitcher” Mulcahy (how many players today would want that nickname?  he was only on a full-time roster for four years because he was the “Losing Pitcher” and because there was a war.  Those four season he lost  18, 20, 22, and 16 games)
Frank “The Piano Mover” Smith
Joe “The Gay Reliever” Page
George “Twinkletoes” Selkirk

So who is your favorite player?

I think watching Law & Order: SVU has made me impotent.

Scott Walker went bowling over the world.  Usually he only uses alleys for exits.  He hit 52% of the pins and said this was a “man date”.  Walker did send the state police to arrest the pins that didn’t fall over.  He knocked down all the pins and a guy sitting at the bar yelled, “Strike!” so Walker had the guy arrested and stripped of all his rights.  Walker also is so damned intent on restoring the intention of the Founding Fathers but of course he’s trying to ignore that pesky thing called “checks and balance”.  My 10 year old cousin told me that she wanted to go down to Madison and slap Walker in the face for hurting her big cousin but then she said she wouldn’t because “shit splatters”.  God, I love farm logic.

The entire world’s a stage and I didn’t get a part.

Have you ever been taking a shit and someone tries to converse with you?  How awkward is that?

Do Smurfs like anal sex?  Once in a blue moon.

The Ford Focus is the ultimate pussy wagon because everyone will call you a pussy for driving one.  I love crawling up next to one at a stop light and revving my engine.  Because I drive an SUV, I have a small penis but I love the look of fear in the eyes of smart car drivers.

I found a $100 bill on the street this morning.  The kid in me wants to buy candy and toys but the adult in me wants to buy porn, booze, candy, and toys.

I bought my girlfriend a vibrating chair for her birthday and she has been sitting in it for 18 straight hours.  I have effectively outsourced myself.  

Paris Hilton is a communist because everyone shares her.

Who knew public relations meant that people weren’t paid to have sex in public?

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I bet it’s hard to be an atheist because when they’re having sex they can’t scream “oh God” and they have to remember their partner’s name.

The April Fool’s joke that almost put me in jail: proposing to a girl.  I begged the police to take me into protective custody.  Who knew someone would get so bent out of shape over a fake proposal.

The first thing you have to realize when you are trying to be a comedy writer is that you will never write anything as funny as “Informer” by Snow.

My friend told me that because I sit behind a desk, I have a desk job.  I then said that he’s a performance artist and blows bubbles for a living so he’s a blowjob.

Every woman has a price.  For some it’s $500 a night and for others it’s the price of a bottle of rum and 2 minutes followed by a whole lot of apologizing and claiming it’s the motion in the ocean and her particular ocean was boiling hot.

When I see guys wearing bandaids on their face for some sort of style I think that the bandaid isn’t large enough to cover their homosexuality.

I saw that Harry Houdini started a Xanga account today.  By the time I got around to opening it, the site disappeared.  He was that fucking good.

They say sex is the best cure for a hangover…that mixed with whiskey has always worked for me but lately it’s only been whiskey.

I watched “Marley & Me” and was disappointed it wasn’t about Bob Marley.  I shouldn’t have bought all the weed in anticipation.  Speaking of which, I got an invitation to a 4/20 party.  I never knew stoners could be so organized.

I use emoticons because I’m dead on the inside…:)

They always talk about life handing you lemons and how you should make lemonade.  What happens if life hands you a pile of shit?

Even though I was born in the 80s, I am a World War II veteran thanks to the Medal of Honor games.

Let’s play a little game.  You determine if I am funny, not funny looking, funny queer but funny haha.  So I’ve been told to include the warning.

NSFW and NSFL

Don’t be the first to pass out at a party with Subway employees.

I will never have sex with any of my fans.

All aboard the beaver train with non-stop service to Lilith Fair.

Do you know what that is?

So I did a search for a book on my local library system.  The book was entitled “You Might be a Zombie”.  The results were mildly amusing.

A young Asian boy came up and screamed that I had to buy it.

That’s a deal I can’t turn down.

Horrible.

Any ladies want some of my schtupwurst?

Note to self: NEVER USE THE DISHWASHER AT GRANDMA’S EVER AGAIN!!

Elektrotechnique from Lernert & Sander on Vimeo.

So it’s officially the end of the blogathon and I found out that I haven’t raised any money and the Xanga blogathon wasn’t about any cause or paying the godfather’s bills.  So what is the point of this blogathon?  I think it was a ploy to get people active and show that Xanga is alive so they can sell the website or take it public.  Would you buy Xanga stock?  I would.  This place has been good to me and I love all of you except that one person, you know who you are.  Basically, if you an read this then I love you.  Something fun I learned about Xanga this week, if you are on friends lock and want to read someone’s post, you subscribe to them and then read their post in the subscriptions page.  Weird.  You can’t leave comments but you can find out what people are saying.  So much for privacy, right?  Remember how Jerry Lewis would lose clothes during his telethon as the weekend progressed?  Well this blogathon has done that to me.  Currently I’m wearing my glasses and eyebrow ring.  I’d invite you to see but that might cause an international incident. 

In case you haven’t read them, I’ve done other blogathon posts: Mischief, Wisconsin Town Names, Question for Christians, Terrible Tattoo Thursday, Rebecca Black, and Caturday.

I should have done this post first but oh well…drum roll please…drum roll.

Because I am a self-loathing narcissist, here’s a post about me.

When I was younger I was able to slam dunk. Most people look at me and would think otherwise but being able to squat 700lbs and leg curl 300lbs helps develop the muscles needed for dunking.

At the height of their popularity, I wore nothing but Zubaz pants.  During that year of school I don’t think I owned even one pair of jeans.

I think I was named after some dude out of the Bible who wrote a book but my parents thought they would put a spin on it and use a European version of said name.  Too bad when I got old enough to speak, I couldn’t say my name.  Thanks a lot hippies.

The last time I cried was last night after I watched the movie Bobby.  RFK…what a loss for our nation!

I’m an only child or at least that is what my siblings claim.

I wear size 17(the American sizing chart) for my shoes.  It is damn near impossible to buy shoes.  Most shoe stores only carry to a 12 or 13.  I have to go to a store that deals with the Wisconsin Badgers.  I remember my shoe size was always a source of rumors on the bus.  Yes, I rode the bus in high school.  I lived away from home during high school and my parents wouldn’t let me have a car because they couldn’t keep tabs on the car if I was away.  Anyway a group of girls asked me my height and my shoe size.  I told them and then I heard giggling and then gasps and then muffled, “I really want to see it.”  I always tried to figure out their devil’s math but they refused to tell me.

I once got drunk at a party.  A friend and I coerced our designated driver to take us to a 24 hour grocery store.  Once inside I was stumbling around.  The dd tried to get me to sit down but I screamed, “I WANT CHEESE BECAUSE I’M FROM WISCONSIN!”  The check out guy gave me one of the motorized carts and all hell broke loose.  Driving up and down the aisles screaming, “Look at me!”  My friend crashed his cart into a bread display and I started laughing so hard I cried.  It was a fun time and I think our dd broke up with her boyfriend because she realized we were the type of people he hung out with.

I once wrote a pamphlet detailing how to survive a zombie attack and posted it around my town.  If you’ve ever been to Wisconsin Dells, you have seen the info stands with pamphlets for businesses.  Well I stuffed a few of my zombie attack pamphlets in there.  I watched people take them and read and show concern.

I had chicken pox three times as a child.  It has left my skin allergic to numerous things which include nickel, ink, and Ivory soap. 

I currently have 3 piercings, two in my left ear and my eyebrow.  I once had up to 8.  5 in the ear, eyebrow, navel and my thingee.  I worried about infection and my thingee falling off so that one came out plus it hurt to walk.  I accidentally ripped my navel piercing out and 3 of my ear piercings got really hard and my ear started growing over the studs so I took them out.

I enjoy movies.  I have over 1200 DVDs.  Thank you Blockbuster for being unsuspecting about my rental activities and thank you to the inventor of DVD burners.  Oh and this may explain why I don’t have a girlfriend, I spend all my money on movies.  I watch movies instead of TV.

I admire James K. Polk.  He accomplished all his goals as president in 4 years so he didn’t seek another term. 

I have a fear of birds.  I was divebombed while on vacation as a kid and the bird crapped all over my face.  Also, my aunt and uncle raised parrots and they would attack me.  Birds hate me so I avoid them at all costs.

I have 8 myspace accounts and 3 facebook accounts.  I enjoy making fake accounts even though it is against their terms.  I only check one myspace account daily.  I rarely use it anymore.  I also creep out my students with myspace because I was a member before the “boom”.  I heard about it because I am such a devoted Weezer fan and Rivers Cuomo released “tomorrow” from Annie on his so I just had to hear it.

The hardest thing I ever taught in my teaching career was sex ed to sophomores.  I taught it in a religion class so you can guess how we handled sex.  Anyway two jokers ask me questions that stuck with me:  “Mr. W, I’m a male and I know Jesus was a male and as a male certain things happen…well do you think Jesus ever got boners?”  “Mr. W, is S&M sinful?”  Maybe I should also include all the times I was asked if oral sex “counted”.

I miss Hunter S Thompson and Kurt Vonnegut.

I have had 5 car accidents in my driving career.  4 of those accidents involved deer.  I think it was some karmic thing because I hunt.  When I shot my first deer, I ate its heart in the field so its spirit became a part of me.

I enjoy roller derby.  I think it was more of a thing for seeing women fighting in roller skates and skirts.  I dig the alternative look girls.  I also dig ladies who work on cars.  I also love women.  I’m weird.

I never use sarcasm.

I had my tonsils removed when I was like 3 and it was a botched operation.  They destroyed nerve endings in my mouth that suppress appetite.  I don’t know what it means to be “full” or at least haven’t experienced that since I was 3.

The last person that I talked with on the phone was my U.S. representative.  He actually talked to me but he didn’t help me.

They call me Tank, Tiny, and Wurm

I enjoy eggs sunny side up and not impregnated.

I think I once received a lap dance from Diablo Cody.

I went to a religious college and it was required that I take piano.  I had piano for 6 or 7 semesters.  I was also in choir for 7 of 10 semesters and here are some examples of me singing:

People say I’m indecisive, but I’m not sure what I’m gonna do about it.  People say I’m a skeptic, but I don’t believe them.  People say that I’m apathetic, but I don’t care.  People say I’m too sensitive, and it really hurts my feelings.  People say I have a good sense of humor, and I don’t think that’s very funny.  People say I’m paranoid, but that’s because it’s all part of their plan.  People say I’m too accepting, and I love them for that.  People say I’m ignorant, but I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.  People say I’m blind, but I just don’t see it.  People say I’m creepy, but I like that blue shirt you’re wearing.  People say I don’t make sense, ting-a-ling ting-a-ling!  I had one of these about being forgetful, now where did I put it?  People say that I don’t finish things that I sta

Most importantly, some people call me the space cowboy and some call me the gangster of love.  Some people call me Maurice because I speak of the pompatus of love

What the hell happened?

So I’m raking in the money with this blogathon but I feel like Jerry Lewis on Labor Day and I need you to send me more money.  So if you haven’t sent me money yet check out my other blogathon posts: Mischief, Wisconsin Town Names, Question for Christians, Terrible Tattoo Thursday, and Rebecca Black.

This post will explore my enjoyment of cats.  Yes, I am a straight male who enjoys cats.  It’s just something about the way they carry themselves.  My dad had a dog when I was younger but it was an outdoors dog so it never was in the house but always in the kennel.  I did enjoy riding it when I was a child.  It was a huge Irish Setter.  My grandfather raised Beagles and I liked those dogs but once again for the majority of the year they were always outdoors.  Then when I was entering 3rd grade I had no pet at my house.  My grandfather sold his last batch of purebred Beagles and he kept one for him and my grandmother.  I got to play with the dog when I was at their house but I couldn’t take it home.  Also, I didn’t have any siblings so I couldn’t have them jump through flaming hoops for my enjoyment.  Well that summer I was running through the neighborhood raising hell and wearing out my bike tires by skidding down the street by my house.  I noticed a big cat running out from underneath my house.  I went to investigate and there was a group of kittens making cries.  The mother must have abandoned them.  We kept hearing the cries that night but when I went to investigate with my dad, the mother had returned and didn’t want us there.  We checked on them every so often and the kittens got bigger.  A couple weeks passed and soon kittens were running in our front yard.  A few days later the mother and the kittens left but then one afternoon I took time out of my hell raising to look under the porch.  There was one kitten left.  I don’t think he was the runt because he looked like he was on his own and was bigger than the other kittens.  I coaxed him to come out and he followed me into the house.  Then the rest is history.  I named him George because of the curious nature in which he followed me.  George was a great pet.  He was a part of my life for 18 years.  He went through quite a lot in that time.  He had a real bad urinary problem and ended up basically having what the vet described as a sex change operation.  Most animals don’t live long after that but he lived another 11 years.  Then there was the time he was sprayed by a skunk because we had him outside on a leash.  It took so many baths in tomato juice to get the smell out.  He also got loose and climbed up a tree and jumped out and sprained his ankle.  After taking him to the vet to examine his leg, we brought him home and he curled up in front of the old family TV because he had to be the center of attention.  We all went to bed and I heard his collar jiggling.  He climbed up the stairs on his bad hind leg just so he could come sleep in my bed with me.  George was a mighty hunter.  Even though he was on a leash when we let him outside, he would catch birds and squirrels.  He usually caught one a week during the summer.  He eventually died peacefully but that last year he had a lot of health problems. 

These are the last photos I took of George right after I bought my first digital camera.
After George I didn’t know if I wanted any more pets because he was so close and loyal.  That cat always slept in the same room with me when I was at home.  I didn’t think I could replace him.  Well my friend the Croatian Sensation had a pair of cats that were littermates and his dog was not getting along with them.  I decided that maybe I could have some more pets so I adopted Kiki and Lua.

Here they are standing on my gun cabinet.  I had to stack stuff on that to the ceiling now because one night Kiki, on the left, jumped up there and lifted a ceiling tile and tried to pull herself up but the tile came down and her and she was stuck.  I woke up to hear her crying and was freaked out when I saw a cat dangling from my ceiling.

Here they are sleeping on my piano.

And here they are sitting next to my old computer with George on the screen.

These two cats are great pets.  Lua follows me around the house and never lets me out of her eyesight while I am home.  In fact, as I type she is laying in a chair next to me.  Oh yeah, I bought a new computer chair and was going to through the old one out but my cats loved sleeping in it and I left it next to the computer and now whenever I work on the computer I have one of my cats sitting next to me.

Kiki is quite an interesting cat.  She was my lightbulb inspector and she also brings me straws.  When I first had them they got into some of my school supplies and Kiki found a bag of bendy straws so she brought me one.  I said thank you and then she ran and got another.  I laughed at her and then she ran upstairs and brought me another.  I give her a treat whenever she brings a straw.  There have been nights when she brings me straws while I sleep and she will drop them on me. 

Kiki sometimes has the habit of sleeping with her mouth hanging open.

Maybe it’s because she gets into my bourbon.

Kiki may have a drinking problem.

She loves when I read her graphic novels…ok she doesn’t but she basically forced me to put down the book and give her attention.

Lua likes sleeping.

Lua also likes to climb in the upper portion of my living room window.  She’s probably up 8 feet off the floor.  I can’t figure out how she can see out that glass because it has the crystal edges.

Lua also diverts me from football and Bible reading.  I think her goatee makes her look evil.

Lua is also pretty demanding about what I watch on TV.  It’s always on Animal Planet or the CW because she loves that show Wildcats.

Lua is very protective of me.

She also likes hiding in my boxes.  I never did find that lamp.

Lua is also fascinated with my jackalope.  She loves sitting on my desk and staring at it.  Sometimes I wonder if she thinks it’s alive.

I also had a stray that adopted me a couple summers ago.  Eventually my neighbors took him in as their pet.  We called him Groucho because he had the big black spots above his eyes and the black spot on his nose.  The first time my neighbor and I saw him, I commented that it sort of looked like Groucho Marx.


They’re good cats.  Here they are sitting next to me as I act like an ass on Xanga.  Sorry if I came off as a weirdo and if you think that…screw you.  Wait, no, just give me some blogathon money.

Well I’m going to try this.  Some people are self-aware of their weight or hygiene but I am self-conscious of my spelling so please bare with me.  No, I meant “bare”.  It’s getting warm in here so I’m taking off my shirt.  You do the same.  Some images may be not safe for work or life

NSFW and NSFL

Will Smith was in an airport in Dublin, Ireland this week and he was ready to board the plane with his daughter who is touring with Justin Bieber.  Will got on the plane only to find out that he was booked in coach with all the mouth breathers.  He took Willow and booked a charter jet to fly them to Manchester, England.  It was a 50 minute ride and cost $15,000.  Weird…that sounds like something Paris Hilton charges.

Here is Tiger Woods and his new girlfriend Alyse Lahti.  The photo of Alyse is a mugshot from a DUI arrest when she rear-ended a truck in Orlando last year.  What?  I thought Tiger was the one who did the rear-ending.  Wait, Tiger Woods jokes went out of vogue in 2010.  Sorry, sorry everybody.  The thing that makes this weird is that Tiger knew her when she was a child because her father is one of the agents that represents Tiger.  Couldn’t you just imagine the foreplay…”Alyse, draw me a stick-figure drawing with crayolas of what you want to do to me.”  Maybe she’s just getting Tiger to date her so he can get her a sponsorship for some Proactiv.

I’m going to be honest.  When I first saw this photo I got sort of excited because I thought it was a hot lesbian make-out session.  Turns out it was Steven Tyler kissing his daughter Liv.  We all have issues we’re working on.

Sammy Hagar released a new autobiography this week and it talks about all your standard Van Halen stuff like the sex tents under the stage and all the drug use.  What isn’t covered is about how Sammy claims he was abducted by aliens however when asked by MTV about the aliens Sammy was free-flowing with information.  Here’s what he said when asked about being abducted: “That’s right. It was real. [Aliens] were plugged into me. It was a download situation. This was long before computers or any kind of wireless. There weren’t even wireless telephones. Looking back now, it was like, “Fuck, they downloaded something into me!” Or they uploaded something from my brain, like an experiment. “See what this guy knows.”  That happened. That friggin’ happened, I’ll tell you right now. Another thing happened when I was about four that I didn’t put into the book. One time I saw what I considered to be, well, at the time I thought it was a car with no wheels. We lived out in the country and I saw this thing floating across a field, creating this big dust storm. I threw rocks at it and shit. And I don’t know what happened after that.  I couldn’t talk about it because I didn’t know how to explain it. I didn’t understand the technology. But now I’m pretty sure it was a wireless situation. Either a download or upload. They were tapped into my brain and the knowledge was transferred back and forth. I could see them and everything while it was happening. There was a visual involved, almost like … I don’t know.”  I once drank some of his tequila and it felt like I was going to give birth to an alien.  See, his brain is fried and it happened because he just couldn’t drive 55.

Meet Rebecca Black, internet sensation.  She’s 13 years old and with the notoriety of her song “Friday” she may be a millionaire.  iTunes usually gives 70cents per download and her song has been nearly downloaded 2 million times.  Then lets not forget about her Youtube video that has almost 40 million views and that generates money.  This little kid is rich.  I can’t believe she has that much money from a song about one day.  The “Happy Days” theme song covers all the days of the week and doesn’t have 2 million downloads.  I think she should give all the money to help rebuild Japan.

I need someone to find out the identity of Rebecca’s back-up dancers because they are really setting back the white race thousands of years.  Not all of us are that bad at dancing.

Quentin Tarantino is suing his neighbor because the neighbor’s birds are too loud and won’t be quiet.  Tarantino is suing Alan Ball, writer of the movie “American Beauty” and creator of “Six Feet Under” and “True Blood”.  Alan placed an outdoor aviary in his backyard and Quentin complains that the birds let out screams all day long.  This is why I don’t live next to rich people.  They have weird things like birds or kids.  I enjoy living next to the projects where I only worry about the people rioting if their social security checks are late and people sifting through my garbage looking for aluminum cans.  How much do you want to bet there are birds that get killed in gory fashion in Tarantino’s next movie? 

Here we see Olivia Munn and a dog at some sort event for the Humane Society.  I’d like to walk her dog every morning if you know what I mean.  I’d even bag it’s dropping if you know what I mean.  I am so awkward.  No wonder I’m single.

Nicki Minaj is rumored to be on the list of potential judges for Simon Cowell’s new show X-Factor.  Mariah Carey was rumored to be on this list but people associated with the show say she’s not stable enough to be a judge.  So they are not going to use Mariah Carey but they are going to use a woman who looks like Krusty the Klown if he drank water from the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant’s cooling pond.  Oh well, I’ll sign off on her being judge under two stipulations: 1.  She brings her non-Jewish friend there and 2. she wears her Evel Knievel jumpsuit.

If you are from California and hate that your state is in debt, don’t blame Barack Obama, blame Lindsay Lohan.  With all the trials, postponements, arraignments, judge fees, lawyer fees, 3 stints in jail (84 minutes, 2 weeks, and 1 day), probation officers, drug testing, SCRAM bracelets ($100 to install and $18 a day to monitor), and extra security, a tax attorney figures Lindsay has singlehandedly cost the state of California several million dollars and with her planning on going to trial it is going to go one for a long time.  Her attorney fees could cost the state over $10,000 if the trial is under 100 hours.  While she is costing a lot of money just think of all the people she’s keeping employed.  She’s kept at least 50% of California’s state workers out of the unemployment line.  She is all about creating and maintaining jobs.  Too bad she’s not old enough because Sarah Palin ought to choose her for a running mate in 2012.

In other news, Lindsay is trying to change her name to be just Lindsay.  I can see why she’s doing that.  She wants to fool the people with the arrest warrants.  When they come looking for Lindsay Lohan she’ll say she’s not her because she’s just Lindsay.  Damn…that may work.  She’s also in violation of her probation because she’s been drinking a type of tea that contains 5% alcohol.  LOCK HER UP FOR LIFE!  Her next drink should be the San Quentin vintage that tastes of apples, oak, orange peels, and sweat socks.

Joseph Gordon Levitt is now officially attached to the next Batman movie.  He’ll be playing Alberto Falcone, who is a character in Christopher Nolan’s favorite Batman storyline.  This could be good but then I remember Anne Hathaway is going to play Catwoman…meh…I don’t know how to feel about this movie.

Jamie Pressly has told friends that she’s worried her DUI arrest will hurt her image and she won’t be able to get any work.  Well Jamie it’s not the DUI arrest but the fact that you’re 35 in Hollywood which won’t get you work.  The only thing that could be bigger kryptonite to a career in Hollywood is to admit being a Republican or getting caught jerking off in a porn theater.

What kind of person would turn down the wish of a kid dying from cancer?  A Food Network celebrity, that’s who.  Ina Garten, known as the Barefoot Contessa, said she was too busy to have a meal with this child.  The child loved watching her show with his mother.  The family said they’d love to meet her and have a meal with her when he schedule cleared up and that was a year ago.  Make a Wish Foundation approached her again and she said she was still busy.  The boy’s back-up plan was to go swimming with dolphins.  The bad news is that Ina found out and she finally decided to cook a meal for him.  It will be roasted dolphin basted in the tears of a child with leukemia.  More like the No-Soul Cuntessa.

Hugh Hefner’s fiance is cheating on him with Dr. Phil’s son despite their June 18th wedding date.  So she’s cheating on an 85 year old man with a boy who has more daddy issues than a pregnant teenage stripper.  I feel bad for Hef because if you can’t trust a woman who sells her soul and takes off her clothes for money who can you trust?

Hayden Panettiere recently had an intruder break into her house.  She heard the intruder so she grabbed her Taser and cellphone and announced she had a Taser and then she ran to the bathroom and hid behind her toilet while she called police.  Why would she need a Taser?  She should just force the intruder to watch the last season of Heroes. 

Elizabeth Taylor passed away this week at the age of 79.  She died of congestive heart failure.  She was surrounded by her 4 children.  She will be remembered for her movies, HIV/AIDS fund-raising, perfume, and helping Joel McHale maintain a job.  I hope she finds peace.  She was also pretty witty and I found a few quotes that made me laugh.  “I don’t think President Bush is doing anything at all about AIDS. In fact, I’m not sure he even knows how to spell AIDS.”  “If someone’s dumb enough to offer me a million dollars to make a picture, I’m certainly not dumb enough to turn it down.” (She was the first female to earn $1million per movie.)  “The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they’re going to have some pretty annoying virtues.”  The oddest thing about all this is that her obituary that appeared in the NY Times was written a long time ago and the guy who wrote it died in 2005.  And like the true diva she was, Elizabeth Taylor was late to her own funeral.  Yes, she had it stipulated that she arrive in her coffin 15 minutes late.  I guess a true queen always keeps her subjects waiting.  Oh and that coffin was $11,000.  I don’t know about you but I hope she has a comfy ride wherever she’s going.

This is Corey Harrington better known as Big Hoss on History Channel’s Pawn Stars.  He was in California this week and arrested for a brawl at a bar.  Stories are sketchy about what was happened but Big Hoss was very drunk.  I wonder if someone asked for Battletoads or if he didn’t like the prices

That piece of paper that said Chris Brown passed domestic violence classes must feel pretty stupid about now.  He was on Good Morning America this week and host Robin Roberts brought up his assault of Rihanna.  Chris strayed from her questions however afterward TMZ found out that Chris Brown approved the questions Roberts asked him.  After the interview, Chris went back to his dressing room and started screaming and throwing things.  He smashed the window of his dressing room sending glass to the street below.  People inside the studio freaked out and called the police.  He then ripped off his shirt and stormed out.  The photo on the left is of him leaving and the photo on the right is the aftermath of his tantrum.  Even though shit like this is a violation of his probation, ABC won’t press charges.  Has anyone ever checked to see if this guy is on steroids because that’s some sketchy behavior.  Despite agreeing to her questions, Chris Brown says that he was asked about Rihanna unexpectably and trashing his dressing room was just his way of blowing off some steam.  You know, when I get anger and smash up dressing rooms, I’m usually hauled to jail.  Maybe he should take up a hobby to blow off that steam and that hobby shouldn’t be like his other hobby…beating women.  OK so maybe he wasn’t upset about Rihanna questions.  Maybe he was upset because his bracket was busted.  My NCAA tournament brackets were pretty much busted last night and I think there were tears rolling down my eye.  I didn’t trash any dressing rooms.  Seriously, who would have thought Virginia Commonwealth would make it this far?  In other news, Chris Brown’s publicist quit and went to work for someone more stable, Mummar Gaddahfi.  Is it me or does this guy look like some sort of weird spawn between Dennis Rodman, Steve Urkel and Susan Powter?  I know a lot of people are going to hate me for this.  I’ve received hate mail because I’ve expressed my views on this douchebag before.  I can’t stand violence against women and I cannot tolerate his behavior.  It’s habitual and no sheet of paper is going to prove that he’s cured.  He’s a violent person who rhymes words.  He hasn’t changed and this is evidence. 

TMZ got a hold of a contract that Britney Spears’ back-up dancers had to sign in order to work with her.  The contract said that dancers are forbidden from exposing Britney to any alcohol or drugs.  OK this confuses me.  How are they supposed to put up with Britney and her music without drugs or alcohol?  Making someone listen to her music without a controlled substance is how they tortured prisoners at Abu Ghraib.

This is Kacey Jordan, one of Charlie Sheen’s former goddesses.  This week she was placed in a psych unit for a suicide watch after she attempted suicide.  She claims she just cut herself and didn’t try to commit suicide and she’s not crazy.  Crazy?  I don’t remember saying anything about being crazy.  I guess it’s perfectly sane to post suicidal messages on Twitter, cut yourself with a corkscrew, attack police, date Charlie Sheen, and specialize in DP for a career.  Perfectly sane.

How about this for a twist?  CBS president Les Moonves wants Charlie Sheen to come back to Two and a Half Men.   So his options are to bring Charlie back or lose the most popular show on TV and face a $100million lawsuit.  Hmmmm which would you choose?  Sources say he sent out a memo to everyone involved saying they need to get over what Charlie did and said so they can get the show back on the air.  I think Charlie Sheen becoming a member of Westboro Baptist is a greater possibility than Chuck Lorre wanting to work with him again and because Charlie Sheen is a volcano of self-entitlement (see I’m drinking the Tiger Blood) he’ll probably erupt when he sees Les Moonves and Chuck Lorre on their knees begging him to come back and then we will see Sheen go nuts.

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Speaking of Charlie Sheen, he made a guest appearance on the Jimmy Kimmel Show.  Do you realize that is probably the most of Jimmy Kimmel I’ve watched in two years?

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

If you haven’t read my other blogathon posts then you are a big stupid doo-doo head but I will give you a chance to redeem yourself: Mischief, Wisconsin Town Names, Question for Christians, and Terrible Tattoo Thursday.

Please leave me some money because this blogathon is all about helping those who love money and I’m a man who loves money especially money that belongs to me.

You’re probably thinking, “Oh jeez the godfather is a drunk and is going to say inappropriate things about Rebecca Black.”  To that I’d say, “I can’t pass a breathalyzer about now so can you drive me to the 24 hour grocery store that’s 25 miles away?  I need some cheese curds and some onion rings and maybe some sliced bread and sliced cheese and when we get back I’ll make you a grilled cheese but only if you promise to watch me cook so I don’t burn down the house and take me to the grocery store that’s 25 miles away because I can’t pass a breathalyzer and don’t want a DUI because I’m begging for money from the blogathon.  Blogathon?  What the hell is that?  It sounds like something some jerk in Sweden made up and marketed as some sort of sauce to go on meatballs.  I like meatballs but it’s too bad I can’t get them at the local grocery store.  The good ones are at the grocery store that’s 25 miles away by the way you never answered me if you would take me.  It’s a fun trip.  I’ll even let you drive my car because that is how awesome I am.  Did I ever tell you that you have nice hair?  It smells pretty sort of like kiwis and lemons and speaking of kiwis and lemons you can only get fresh kiwis and lemons at the grocery store that’s 25 miles away.  We can even stop at a bar and I’ll order you a hamburger at this one bar but I won’t let you drink because you need to drive me to the grocery store that’s 25 miles away.  This burger is the best.  It’s a half pound of meat and it’s grilled sort of like the grilled cheese I want to make you.  Your eyes are sparkly.  Then they top it with grilled onions and then top that with some hashbrowns and then they top that with cheddar cheese and then it’s put on a bun and then you eat it.  Of course if I buy you a burger it may count as a date.  Of course it will count as a date because I say so.  Do you realize you ahve the world’s most beautiful face?  That’s an awesome song because it’s by the Flaming Lips and I like that band.  This one time I was in the grocery store that is 25 miles away I heard them playing the Flaming Lips over the in-store radio system but it wasn’t “Do You Realize”.  I like that song but it’s no “She Don’t Use Jelly”.  Speaking of jelly there is this one type of garlic cheese that I like to use in grilled cheese and I’ll dip it in some grape jelly and it’s in a word orgasmic.  So there I am in the grocery store 25 miles away listening to the Flaming Lips and I’m overcome with tears because the time I saw the Flaming Lips in concert after the show I stopped at the grocery store 25 miles away to do some shopping.  So are you ready to go?”

You didn’t read that.

Sorry…I hate that song.

Well here it is folks, another batch of links.  I really hate Butler right about now.  Oh they’re so scrappy and they’re not underdogs…I HATE BUTLER.  Also, I’m rolling my eyes at you Arizona.  MY BRACKETS ARE RUINED!  Oh well I still have a happy marria…a lovely girlfri…hands riddled with arthritis.  How are you coming with that blogathon?  I can’t believe I’m “posting” twice a day although someone sent me an email from a fake account telling me I don’t really blog but just put captions on photos.  Hmmm sounds way too familiar to some of the top blogs.  Oh well I’m still hopefully raking in all this blogathon money because when I see -athon I assume I’ll be given money.  Time for links.

1.  I will never leave Xanga for tumblr however I have to say there are some amusing sites over there.  This is one, it’s celebrities and bikes.  If I could, I’d set up another Xanga that catered to a specific thing like celebrities riding bikes or porn because we all know that’s the real reason why tumblr is so popular.  Oh and check out the Susan Hayward photo…WHAT A DAME!

2. Remember all that stuff I said about tumblr in the last link, well repeat it for this one except it’s a meme called Marketing Client Bear.  It’s funny but it’s no Business Cat which you can see on this very Xanga on Caturday…I mean Saturday.

3.  I know I’ve shared this one before but as a male I can relate.  It’s Awkward Boners.  My most awkward boner was when I was in high school and I was giving a speech in English class about the history of Harley Davidson motorcycles.  Normally I get hard riding one but that’s another topic but I’m standing there talking about the different motors and…tada…there he is demanding attention and all eyes focused on my crotch.  I swear there were 30 sets of eyes staring at my crotch.  Second most awkward boner…the time I was preaching at college for evening chapel but at least there was more space between me and the “crowd” of all 10 people.

4.  I once thought of a way to make some extra money would be to become a male stripper but then I saw this site of off-putting male strippers and realized I’d make the list.  I guess I won’t need an extra job with all this blogathon money I’m making.

5.  Earlier this week someone made a post about things they thought only they did.  Well here is one that I do.  When I go into a public restroom and I am the only person in the joint, I’ll go to the stalls just to look for graffiti.  I love me some bathroom graffiti which is why I’m sharing this site called Stall Scribble.  Have you ever called a phone number in the bathroom asking if you want a good time?  99% of the time they aren’t looking for a good time and don’t realize their number was posted.

6.  If you have time to waste other than the time you spend on me site for which I am very thankful go over and have Akinator read your mind.  Seriously, that is freaky.

7.  Someone did some research and made a map of which countries have the men with the biggest penises in the world.  here’s the map.  I’m surprised Columbia is on the high end.  I thought drug use made them smaller or could it be I was lied to by the propaganda from the war against drugs?  well if it is drug induced lengthening then maybe I should move to take up cocaine use.

8.  My dad texts me insane stuff.  He shortens words so you have absolutely no clue what he is saying.  I should submit them to When Parents Text.  If you are a parent and you text your children or anyone, don’t be like these people.

9.  Here’s the real message behind Captain Planet but where’s the heart?

10.  I recently found this letter written to Paula Deen about a recipe the author created.  My arteries are hardening as I type.

11.  Guess what tomorrow is?  That’s right…it’s Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday  Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday  Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday…anyway, some geek programmer made some made some coding program that takes random words from the intertubz and turns them into a Rebecca Black song.  Here’s mine:

“John Quincy Adams”
10:05, we’re chirrin’ in the freon
Chirrin’ so fast, I want time to fly
Vase, vase, think about vase
You know what it is
I got this, you got this
My meal is by my right
I got this, you got this
Now you know it
Unbuildin’ in the front seat
Contaminatin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?
It’s John Quincy Adams, John Quincy Adams
Gotta get down on John Quincy Adams
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the presidents, presidents
John Quincy Adams, John Quincy Adams
Gettin’ down on John Quincy Adams
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the presidents
Gemmin’, gemmin’ (Yeah)
Gemmin’, gemmin’ (Yeah)
Vase, vase, vase, vase
Lookin’ forward to the presidents
Yesterday was George Washington, George Washington
Today i-is John Quincy Adams, John Quincy Adams (Gemmin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today
Tomorrow is Abraham Lincoln
And Woodrow Wilson comes afterwards
I don’t want the presidents to end

I like it but not as much as I like the Wesley Willis song generator.

12.  Are getting sick of Charlie Sheen?  Do you not want to see him on your internet any more?  Well add the Charlie Sheen Browser Blocker to your computer.

This is more fun than being a male stripper.

Stanley agrees.

Here are my other BLOGATHON posts: Mischief, Wisconsin Town Names, and a Question for Christians.

So who is getting all the money I’m raising during this blogathon?  Is it me?  I like money.

Anyway this isn’t really a writing blog but it’s more or less me mocking people.  I used to do these some time ago and I thought I’d bring them back.  If you don’t like it, talk to my complaint department. 

We’re going to boldy go where no Terrible Tattoo Thursday post has ever gone before…or maybe not since you’re just going to sit wherever you are and read…sigh.  What a waste of a joke!

I like to call this tattoo Pussy Control because chances are the guy who has it isn’t getting any.

I was really enjoying this photo for reasons that are unfitting to post but then I couldn’t get over the tattoo.  Why?  I don’t want to feel like I’m stabbing a panda.

They don’t call this guy El Guapo.  You know what he told me because I made fun of this tattoo? “You’re in a lot of trouble, mister!”

Oddly enough this tattoo of Gary Busey is to scale although the teeth are way too small.

Really?  I don’t want to look Thom Yorke in the eye and lazy eye.  I’m not that devoted to Radiohead.

I thought it would look better on a guy with a buzzcut wearing a wifebeater.  I actually think she should be in the bedroom but who am I to judge.  OH…I’m sexist…talk to my complaint department.

I really don’t know what to say here.  I was going to say…two of my favorite things in the world Slush Puppy and the obvious but then I noticed the snake coming out of the obvious once again trying to tell me to avoid women because they are evil and the cause of all sin in the world.

When your tattoo gets tired I will lend a hand.

Oklahoma is just OK with me.

You can’t get a tattoo of a BB gun; you’ll shoot your eye out.

His forehead tattoo is not a sign that he’s a genius.  Neither is the fact that he’s posing for a mugshot.

OK so now give me my blogathon money.

This blogathon is sapping my brain.  I was going to bring back my advice column but I’m lazy so here’s photos.

Jealous?

The best soup in the world.

You think when he shot Germans, he shot them twice in the pink and once in the stink?

It has been such a long time since I last watched Sesame Street.

Well there’s something I could do with all those old AOL discs I still have in my desk.

Normally I don’t like to beg but…bitte…BITTE…BITTE!

It’s true

I don’t know if I should explain this one.

Sweet lord I love word play

They eat some weird stuff overseas

Even as worm food, he’s gettin’ no respect.  Here’s my favorite quote because it’s so close to my life: “I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.“

All that’s missing are the nails.

It’s getting closer to baseball season which means I’m missing my Robinade.  I think I’m going to bring coffee to the Brewers games this season and call it John Jaha-va and I’ll make it on a Braun.

Good news, ladies…I’m cheap.

MORE WORD PLAY!