It was national pancake day at IHOP so women with flat breasts felt pride.

I hear that the best way to get fresh breath is to spray it with Febreeze.

Someone asked me what size my shoes were so I said, “Bend over, I’ll show you.”

March is a beautiful time for camping in Wisconsin especially at the capitol building.  Ha-ha...closing it is unconstitutional according the the state constitution.

My goal is to never win an Oscar and so far I’m living the dream.

If someone honks at me seconds after the light changes to green, I usually put it in park just to see their reaction.

A recent survey said that 50% of respondents said sex was a meaningful and intimate act between partners and the other 50% were men.  Asian massage parlors are like love stories because they both have happy endings.  Never date a stripper because you’ll end up broke, broken-hearted, and you’ll never be able to wash the glitter off your junk.  Gynecologists and pizza delivery people have something in common, they both can smell it but they can’t taste it.  I’ve been getting a lot of emails for boner pills so all those companies obviously don’t know me; they should be sending me emails about penis reduction surgery.  Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets knocked up.  Having sex with a clown is fucking funny.  I like girls with beer guts because you know they can party.  How many times having sex with the same sex does it take to mean you’re not bi-curious?  Girls, if you’ve ever wondered if a guy you’re friends with wants to have sex with you the answer is always yes.  Every time I masturbate, I have a stroke of genius.  Most of the time a successful Plan A will lead to a Plan B.  My girlfriend has a weird fetish of wanting to cuddle after sex.  A spoonful of sugar may help the medicine go down but a bottle full of vodka helps the ladies go down.  Ladies, what do you do with your breasts when you aren’t using them?  I sort of would like to borrow them.  Guys, you shouldn’t lie to your girlfriend because that’s why you have a wife.  If I had a dollar for every time a woman said I was great at sex, I’d have 50 cents.  If I die and someone needs to erase my porn on my computer, it’s in the file labeled “Gluten Free Recipes”.  I blame my sexual failures on John Goodman’s shaven arms in The Flinstones.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

The best way to save money on car insurance is to drive away from the scene of your accidents.

The best way to drink is to drink like your parents’ acceptance is at the bottom of the bottle.

You can lead a horse to water or you can drive a car like the majority of the 21^st century.

If Myspace was a real live person his name would be Guy Fieri.  Did you know that Guy has a dog named Rock Star?  Yeah, I’m not surprised either and yes, I still want to punch him in the face and shave his head.

I remember sitting on my grandfather’s lap and him saying, “Get off, you fat fuck.  You’re 20!”

In Walmart the man with the most teeth is king.  I would be king then but whenever I go to Walmart, I fear there will be a Kid Rock or Nickelback concert that breaks out.

I think I have tourette’s syndrome and my tic is that I fart.

Charlie Sheen isn’t crazy; he’s smart because he knows how to get out of paying hookers.  You know, Iran could be wiped off the face of the earth by Israel but no one would notice because of Charlie Sheen.  I think the reason he’s going through such a horrible time is because he forgot to send out that chain email from this weekend.
WINNING!