Beer fueled debauchery...that's the best description.

I left my house about 2PM to head over to Skinny Wolf's house and get there after some last minute shopping for some bath goods.  Like you want to know about my thoughts on buying shampoo for a trip because that way you will have extra on hand when you get home.  I get to his house about 3 and double check to make sure I have everything.  He rolls in and we load up and I think we were out of there by 3:45 and then he drove.  I found it interesting that on the way there we spotted at least 4 adult stores.  When I made that trip in college there was only 1.  Isn't there a saturation point when it comes to porn especially with the internet and discreet mailing? 

We stopped for a bite to eat outside of beautiful Rochester, MN for a bite to eat.  I was sitting at a table inside McDonald's and I was literally shaking and no I'm not using "literally" in the figurative sense like when someone says "I'm literally starving" because if they were starving they probably wouldn't be speaking.  I was literally shaking in excitement...my fingers were trembling.  It was so awesome. 

We then drove to Mankato and unloaded.  Within 5 minutes of getting the car unloaded, we had beers in our hand but the biggest surprise of the weekend happened when I stepped foot inside the Croatian Sensation's house.  He asked, "Hey Matt, do you recognize her?"  "OMG! It's Mr. GodfatherofGreenBay!"  Actually she didn't say "GodfatherofGreenBay".  I literally lied.  OK so I did lie.  Please can we just stop using the fucking word "literally"?  Anyway, the girl...if you hadn't guessed by now she was a former student.  Holy hell.  One of my religion students was going to see me get drunk.  Actually I don't think she did because she was too engrossed singing crappy pop songs on the Xbox karaoke thing.  She was there because apparently she is dating one of the Croatian Sensation's friends.  Within 15 minutes 3 beers had been consumed.  Oh it was so fun being around old friends that I haven't seen since the second baby was born and by the way I was sort of upset I didn't get invited to the baptism because I would have liked to have been there for a momentous occasion.  I was also pleased that Rilee the Wonder Dog remembered me and spent obscene amounts of time pressing her paws into my man boobs.

So after about 2 hours of drinking many more beers and singing crappy karaoke, the final group arrived.  Oh and speaking of karaoke, I liked freestyling when I got a pop song that I didn't know and/or enjoy.  Taylor Swift lyrics were changed to lyrics about my hatred for all things Twilight related.  Then Big Dick, Hot Wife, and the Semenarian walked in with Das Boot and even more beer.  I think we took down 3 boots full of beer.  That's 6 liters of beer.  I have a feeling that within a few days there'll be a photo on Xanga of me dancing with Das Boot.  Then another few nightcaps and it was time to go beddy-bye.  that was the first time in a long time that a run was spinning when I went to bed.  I think sometime I posted on Xanga and made a few comments.  If I said anything on your blog this week, I sincerely apologize.  I was not in a proper state of mind because I was in Minnesota and felt out of place because I didn't have a mullet...ah, it's been so long since I've seen a live honest to god mullet wearer who was proud that they had a mullet.

Then the morning came.  I sounded like a 50 year old lot lizard who just got done sucking enough guys to pay this month's rent.  Oh it was bad but Croatian Sensation's wife, Red Hot, made us breakfast.  What a woman!  Speaking of women, my sexual frustration and loneliness reached epic levels being in a house full of marrieds and a former student who was holed up in a room with her boyfriend.  So to ease my loneliness and frustration I told sexist jokes.  And people wonder why I'm single.  "hey, Hot Wife, what's that useless piece of skin around the vagina called?" "What Wurm?" "The woman." So Red Hot made this awesome hearty oatmeal bake that perked me up and got my ass in gear to go to a brewery to drink even MORE BEER!  Big Dick was in a yank(ha dick+yank) to get there because the gates opened at 11AM.  I was all like "What the hell?  Why can't we just wait a little bit?"  Well when I saw the lines coming into town I knew why we should have gotten there earlier.  We got a relatively close parking spot...about 2 blocks from the gates...but we had to walk about 4 blocks to get to the end of the line.  I walked past a Target or as Minnesotans say to class it up...Tar-jay...and then ended up by a Burger King.  That was hell, standing outside in 25F sunny weather smelling burgers craving them but fearing them because of beer bloat.  We would walk a few feet and then stand.  Walk a few feet, stand.  I can't even begin to measure the length of this line but I'd say it was a half mile to a mile.  I'm sure anyone of the people I attended Bock Fest with will correct me. 

Finally, about noon, we paid for entrance.  I take a few feet in and someone shouts, "Hey Wurm over here." I was surly because I was a literally hungover...damn I can't even abide by my own rules so you can continue using "literally".  Hot Wife explained that we had a shuttle van that was going to drive us up to the brewery so we wouldn't have to walk the quarter to half mile(?) in.  That was a scary ride because drunks were running around in front of the shuttle.  I think the driver actually hit a girl but she deserved for being drunk before Bock Fest.  In fact this year was the first year in the history of this even that they actually enforced open container laws in the line.  Apparently Target didn't like people getting drunk in their parking lot and ralphing all over customers' cars.  The thing is, for every one person the cops busted for open containers, there were about 25 that were still drinking.  I got some videos to show but this is already long.  

We got beer and then more beer and finally some more beer.  It was such an enjoyable time because we hijacked a table and were able to sit and enjoy beer and hassling the Narren that somehow ventured into Bock Fest.  I ended up talking with the former student in between her make out sessions with her boyfriend.  As the day wore on I felt really warm.  I got sunburn.  Yeah, there's snow on the ground, it's below freezing, it's March and I get sunburn on my nose which is now peeling.  So to make myself feel better I drank more beer and had a bratwurst and a landjaeger both covered in the best sauerkraut on either side of the Mississippi.  OK I know I drunk twittered a say about a news anchor in Madison being the best anchor on either side of the Mississippi...it's so true because he hosts a Sunday morning show on Madison TV.  This morning the Mankato station had the Agriculture PhD.  So there I am drinking and eating and feeling pretty good about myself but this guy in our group, Oh-Man, couldn't drink any more so Big Dick and Semenarian started to get passersby to call him a bitch or a douchebag because he wasn't drinking.  You'd be surprised how many people obliged.  After the harassment lost it's fun, we decided to make a special holiday.  It was "Hug a Canadian Day" because the Semenarian is Canadian, well he actually holds dual citizenship and he promised me pills because god bless universal health care.  Then it changed to "Kiss a Canadian".  My phrase to get people to kiss him was interesting..."Once you kiss a Canuck, you'll never want to..." well you get the idea.  It's still in the laboratory where I have scientists theorizing over the potential humor possible.  The odd thing about getting people to kiss the Canadian was that more dudes kissed him than girls.  Other interesting facts about Canadians...they smell like maple syrup and beavers and can pee really fast because they have wide urethras.

We decided to leave about 4PM because we were all in except the designated drivers, Skinny Wolf and Croatian Sensation who deserve your praise because they did such a bold and heroic deed.  We found the shuttle bus but the driver said they couldn't give rides out at the end of the fest.  I called shenanigans on that.  We made the trek but it was perilous.  I had to drink beer along the way and walk on somewhat even pavement.  It was one of the most impossible things.  I got harassed by a security guard at the gate because he thought I had beer in my mug.  Fascist.  We get to the car and we take a drive around town looking at the sites we enjoyed while we were students at a college in the area.  We got back to the Croatian Sensation's house where Red Hot was watching that Spartacus TV show.  I couldn't get into it because I had consumed so much beer and it seemed to be a knock-off of 300.  We were all sleepy and I actually nodded off a few times while Rilee the Wonder Dog laid on my bloated beer belly and pressed on my man boobs.  When I was awake I kept saying two words to Hot Wife, "Rock Band".  I was trying to talk Croatian Sensation into busting out the Rock Band on the XBox so we could have an awesome jam session and I could relive my dreams of being a video game singing sensation even if I sounded like a 50 year old lot lizard who just got done sucking off enough guys to pay this month's rent.  Pizza was bought and the most awkward thing of the weekend was said.  Here I thought my joke about that worthless piece of skin was awkward but Oh-Man something incredibly awkward.  A scene in Spartacus showed this attractive woman seducing a young boy and she had a clean-shaven vagina.  Oh-Man turns and looks at his wife and says, "See, she knows how to use a razor down there."  No one else heard it because they were too engrossed with drunkenness or Spartacus. 

Pizza was bought, cooked and ate and then Rock Band made an appearance.  Rock Band is awesome except when the the drum set didn't work.  I sang and I sucked but not like a 50 year old lot lizard who just got done sucking off enough guys to pay this month's rent.  The ACDC rock band was interesting especially that one song with the hour long guitar solo.  Well after getting our session jammed we decided to go beddy bye.  Oh sleep it was awesome.  I woke up around 7.  Weird, huh?  After a day of drinking I would have expected to sleep until noon.  I laid around wondering how many calories I consumed on Saturday.  Too many.  We all just sort of sat around and asked "What the fuck happened?"  You know like at the end of "Kids" and Casper is reflecting on the previous night's party.  Yeah that was us.  Red Hot made us some delicious egg bake.  I should have got the recipe but I wouldn't have remembered.  Skinny Wolf and I took off around 11:30 and got back to the Boo around 4:30.  I packed up the Blazer and got home around 5:30.  My cats didn't even know I was gone and they didn't care I was home.  They didn't come to see me for like an hour after my arrival.  Then to alleviate my beer bloat, I did some fat guy yoga.  It was not pleasant but last week after reading so many posts about farting I know my contribution to depleting the earth's ozone layer would be appreciated.  How long is a long fart?  The one I counted last 45 seconds.  The smell made my eyes water.  Imagine smelling onions and tomatoes and stale beer that had been standing in a puddle for a week.  And I wonder why I'm single.  Forever alone.

This was from last year but I found out something interesting about Bock Fest.  If you hand in 50 empty cups of beer, you get 1 free.  That sounds like a great deal to me.  If they promised me free beer, I'd help clean up Wisconsin's capitol building.

You've heard of a beer bong, well this is a deer bong.  Pour the beer in the funnel at top and suck on the deer's mouth.  Fun times had by all.

I think this is from last year but look at the line at Target.

That is one of the hottest things ever.  Schell's Bock and Grain Belt.

I don't know these people.

Here's a few of the empties.

The paper estimates that 8000 people attended.

Ein prosit!

The beer lines were much shorter this year because they had 4 or 5 of these stations around the brewery grounds.

The building in the background is August Schell's mansion.

The man in the middle is the president of Schell's brewery, Ted Marti.

This was a new beer garden added in the bottom portion of the brewery.  We were sitting right above it.

Landjaegers are better food than headwear.

This is the beautiful walk to the brewery that I skipped out on.  It was much worse walking back but then it was because I was filled with beer and felt like a water bed.

And Rilee the Wonder Dog is subjugated to her master's whims.  It wasn't because I was lazy and I had to wait on one Christmas present to be finished that the glowing present wasn't received until Bock Fest weekend but it's because I think gifts should be exchanged during Bock Fest weekend.  I received plenty of liquid gifts.  god bless you August Schell!

I'll post an addendum tomorrow of all the videos I captured.  And if you hadn't figured it out by now, I read George W. Bush's book of nicknaming friends.