In honor of Women’s Day: Why do women have two sets of lips?  One to argue with and one to apologize with.  Did anyone consider that Women’s Day and Fat Tuesday were on the same day or did they want women on their knees ralphing in toilets?  Seriously if the word “woman” is involved with the word “fat” my answer will always be “no”.  The bad thing is while women are trying to celebrate all their contributions to society there are some out there showing their boobs for plastic beads.  I didn’t bake a cake for International Women’s Day but I figured I would like to eat some pie.  I actually didn’t buy any women anything for the holiday because I don’t know what women want and I tried asking Mel Gibson but he just started rambling racist epitaphs.  Another interesting thing is that women get a day and sharks get a week.  I’m into women’s issues; not so much feminism but more like women with problems.  It’s not funny how many jokes are being tossed around on International Women’s Day about kitchens being empty but seriously, where’s my sandwich?  But seriously this is a special holiday and we should think of all the good things we want in women such as myself.

Zack Greinke of the Milwaukee Brewers baseball team was injured playing a pick-up game of basketball and now he will be going on the disabled list.  What a pussy!  My great-great-grandfather took an arrow through his spleen when playing a game of “take your land” with the locals.

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep because I kept asking myself the important questions in life: Where did this fellow named Cotton Eyed Joe come from?  Then once this rabble rouser arrived, where did he go?  Eventually I did fall asleep and dreamed about playing Atari which may explain why I woke up wearing no clothes.

My mouse and computer will never suffer from dry skin.

You know what the world needs?  More reality shows.

My girlfriend always enjoyed my erections because they were straight and to the point.  She always liked when I wore a watch on it because she knew what time it was.

The best way to determine if a song is good is if it could be in the Roadhouse soundtrack.

Worst song to get a lapdance to?  The theme song from Sanford and Son.

I’m thinking of coaching little league this summer and to get in training I’m watching Major League.  Now to figure out how I should make a hand signal for “Point for a Home Run and then Lay Down a Bunt”.

If I told you I was going to pick a fight with the guy who played Jamie Small Wonder, would you have my back?

And this is for Aloysius_Son for proof that I don't know how to draw:

Hope everyone had a swell International Women's Day.