Say goodbye to your ribs because you’re about to be tickled to death.

One thing in porn I can’t stand is when girls fellate their dildos.  Is this a turn-on?  Would they expect us to get turned on by watching Ron Jeremy eat a taco?

Because of “Secret Millionaire” I know say “excuse me” when I knock over the homeless because I hope I get rewarded for my kindness.  I’ve also stopped urinating on them.

Because I’m fat, trimming my pubes is like trying to give myself a haircut blindfolded.

A girl told me I should be more romantic so I took notes while watching the Lifetime movie about the Craigslist killer.

I hated having Sloppy Joe for supper as a kid.  It always meant cleaning up after my Uncle Joe.  He was a messy eater.

There was a joke going around that guys should have sex with their girlfriends at 1:55AM on Sunday morning because they could claim that they had sex for an hour.  Hell, I wish I could have last the five minutes before the change.

I’ve never been drunk.  I am just verbally challenged.  The thing about drinking is that I always lose something, usually my morals.

I once ate at Hooters and thought that was a better name than the one originally for the establishment, “Hot Women with Huge Tits”.

I am thinking that the time has come to film my sex tape.  I just need to find an attractive and endowed guy to play the part of me.

A gentleman never asks a girl her age unless it involves going to jail.

My girlfriend told me that she was going to slip into something more comfortable but I didn’t think she meant sleeping in my neighbor’s bed.  I think she hated the pet name I gave her.  It was “Map Quest” because I wanted to have her know her place.  So I followed that old adage, “If you love something let it go”.  Only she didn’t return so I told everyone she had herpes.

And for your weekly dose of motivation: (the first was brought to you by a Xangan who wanted it to become a viral sensation so you know the drill)







When I see a “Caution Children” sign I always remember to stock up on condoms and re-read the vasectomy literature.

I was going to buy some new movies but Walmart has a crappy selection of Betamax.

Before I had Xanga, I used to make jokes on the CB radio…over.

I think I had sex with my lamp last night because I turned it on.

Nice guys finish last because they let their girls finish first.  I was going to make a joke about premature ejaculation but it was too soon.

In response to the Japanese earthquake and tsunami, FEMA has begun to respond to the earthquake in Haiti.

I’m glad to see people didn’t complain about Monday to show Japan how us Americans empathize.

The only true Chuck Norris fact is that he’s 71 years old.   And you are now Googling "Chuck Norris" to find out if he is really 71 years old.

Brain freeze is my body’s way of saying “that’s enough ice cream for you, Chubby McFattypants”

I call my beard a “hair chair”.

Spring is in the air because the rabbits have started to use my motion detector lights to film their pornos.

I’m thinking of naming my first child “Hey You” because I’ll never forget its name.

Yesterday was steak and blowjob day.  I was going to go to Denny’s to kill two birds with one stone but I got depressed and it turned into beef jerky and awkward masturbation day.  I don’t even know if that last part counts since I was told that I had a headache.

And don't forget to turn in your homework.