I have learned that when I come across something funny on Craigslist I should post it immediately and not wait for my Thursday links entry because the Craigslist folks like to take down posts.  Well this one is gold.  I have thought about doing what this guy did because I have been tricked into something similar.

Vasectomy: $400.  Speechless look on her face: Priceless.

I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

OK, class, let's settle down.  I had a chance to look at your homework and I must say I'm quite please.  Rob_of_the_Sky, take that pencil out of your nose this instance.  I was impressed with your answers.  Some of my favorites were Billy Joel, Charles Bukowski, Hunter S Thompson, Nelson Mandela, Robert Frost, Bach, Christopher Walken, Les Claypool, C. S. Lewis, me, the Earl of Sandwich, Andy Kaufman, Traci Lords, Randy Savage, Dean Smith, Bob Dylan, ABBA,  Blaze Starr, Bertrand Russell, and Martin Luther King Jr. 

These are all great choices.  I know some of you were merely selecting with your hormones but you are developing those feelings after all and it is to be expected.  I won't name names but you know who you are.  For the love of all that is sacred, Rob_of_the_Sky, take the pencil out of your nose. 

I have decided that since you did this assignment and put a lot of effort into it that I would give you my guests.  This has been difficult for me because there are just so many I could choose from.  I'm sure if I selected with my hormones you'd be freaked out so I will leave it to historical people.  OK, Rob_of_the_Sky, you have a bloody nose.  What did I tell you about putting a pencil in there?  You can't sharpen a pencil with your snot.  Once you get done seeing the nurse, go see the principal.  I want you to write me a 500 word essay about why you should put a pencil in your nose.

OK, here's my dinner guests.

1.  Martin Luther, I went with Luther because he has had such an impact on Christianity and not always for the good.  If it wasn't for Luther, we wouldn't have any other church beside the Catholic and Orthodox denominations.  I'd also like to quiz him about his hatred for Jews and ask how he felt about inspiring another guest to comment genocide.  I'd also like to know what he thinks about modern Christianity and if he likes Michelle Bachmann's quest for the presidency.

2.  Tom Waits, we need a good musician for my meal and I am in the mood for some Tom Waits.  There is just something about his voice.  The dulcet tones make me just so relaxed.  I figure that with him as a guest we'd sit around the table drinking scotch and smoking cigars as we listened to him lament about the winter lasting forever but looking on the bright side that spring would be coming soon...symbolism, class!

3.  Julius Caesar, a military genius, politician, and poet.  Caesar was an amazing individual.  I'd love to pick his brain and ask him why I had to translate his writings in freshmen Latin class.  I would debate whether or not "Gallia est omnis divisa in partes tres" and if he was a gambling man because he once said, "Alea iacta est".  I'd also ask him if he had to say "puella, puella, puellam, puellae, puellā, puellae, puellae, puellae, puellās, puellarum, puellis, puellis, puellis".  Also Caesar could feed us with his salad.

4.  Adolf Hitler, yes you heard me right...Hitler.  I would like to ask him where he got the balls to do what he did and maybe if there was time, I'd ask him to paint me a picture.  The main reason why I sat him in seat #4 is because that is in the corner and at the end of the dinner the rest of the guest and myself could gang up and stop a mudhole in him.

5.  Sarah Silverman, I find her hilarious and Jewish.  She would be seated next to Hitler because I think he'd find her hot even though she is verboten.  I think he'd also like her jokes about Jews.

6.  Bettie Page, there's something about her that just makes me giddy.  I also have fond memories of her because my grandfather had pin-ups of her in his leather repair shop.  Yes, my grandfather had photos of a woman clad in leather exhibiting forms of S&M in his leather shop.  We get freaky because of all the snow.

7.  You, I'd sit you in the best seat in the house, my right hand side because that is the seat of honor and I have bad hearing so I could lean over and you would have my good ear.

Rob_of_the_Sky, I know you're standing outside the door making faces at us.  Get to the principal's office immediately!  I was so pleased that I'm giving each of you an A.  I didn't give you an A+ because I don't want any of you slacking and there's always room for improvement.