But first...it's Caturday.

Oh and I don't like the people who tell me that if I don't have anything nice to say then I should say anything at all in their weekly obligatory "I'm leaving Xanga" post and then they proceed to write a post calling another Xangan a cunt.  I'm still trying to figure out how these people befriend me despite never once visiting my site.  Sorry to be the crank but shit, that frustrates me. 

So, who you doing?  Another week has passed and here I sit again bring you the only news that news sources deem fit to post.  Sometimes I wonder if people read this but oh well I still write it.  It's a lot of work but if you don't want to make the top blogs like me you put work into your posts.  One of my cats refuses to look at me.  I think she caught me last night.  Sigh...story of my life.  blah blah blah some images may be not safe for work or not safe for life.
NSFW and NSFL

Holy crap, Vanessa Hudgens is wearing clothes for a change.  There was a little uproar on the internet this week when nude photos of Vanessa Hudgens were released.  I was thinking of posting them.  They were censored and the source refused to release the uncensored version.  Anyway a few hours after they were released, Vanessa met with the FBI and soon websites were being asked to take down the photos or they would face legal action.  I couldn't tell what was what in them but I do know there was one with her and another girl.  Crazy.  If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times since I started writing these posts, if you are famous or plan on being famous keep the cameras out of your bedroom.

Speaking of sex tapes, there is one currently being shopped featuring Usher and his former wife.  A while back I wrote about how Usher had his car stolen and inside the trunk there was a laptop that contained a video of him and his wife engaged in a specific sex act.  One of the websites that was approached said the tape was just oral sex.  OK, it's been a long time but isn't that when people just talk about sex?  Or singing about sex?  Oh so that's what it is.  I bet this tape will be a big hit with the indifference of a married couple, socks, and facial moisturizer.  If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times since I started writing these posts, if you are famous or plan on being famous keep the cameras out of your bedroom.  And don't keep it on a laptop that you leave in your car and don't have your car stolen.  And stop making crappy music so no one will remember who you are.

Ton Hawk is a wonderful human being.  Just saying.  His first wife was a skateboarding groupie.  His second wife was his former nanny.  His third wife was his publicist and his current girl is his friend's wife.  he actually cheated on his third wife with the wife of his best friend, Matt Goodman.  Tony's wife #3, Lhotse, discovered he was cheating when she found out that Tony was seeing this woman when he was supposed to be jumping on a skateboard or something.  This caused his friend to divorce after 20 years of marriage.  AND THIS IS THE SACRED RIGHT THAT PEOPLE WANT TO PROTECT FROM THE GAYS!?!?!?!?!?!  So now, Tony is dating his best friend's former wife and I bet when she introduces him to her friends she says "This is my boyfriend and your future boyfriend."  But Matt is cool with it.  He claims that they split a year ago and she started seeing Tony 7 months ago.  No, it's not cool.  He was still married.  Meals will be awkward.  I bet Matt will have his girlfriends wear burqas around Tony.  Because of this scandal, I wonder if Tony will lose his video game deal.  Probably not, Tiger Woods still has his.  Maybe Tony and Tiger (unintentional funny) will tour the U.S. and stake out Perkins for hot waitresses.  That could make for an awesome sitcom.

Hey, it looks like Suri Cruise is in the Scientology gift shop with what she's holding.  Yes, those are gummi penises.  Katie and Suri were actually in a shop in New York City and Suri grabbed those gummi penises.  She actually stole them but a handler went back to the store and paid for them after Katie and Suri left.  You know she was just trying to buy something for her dad and she thought she should buy something that her dad enjoys eating.  You know, I'm beginning to think that this is all a performance art piece.  A toddler wearing heels, stealing gummi penises, being a fashion expert...just wait, Yoko Ono is going to pop out from behind a curtain and reveal it all to be some elaborate art project. 

Remember a while back when photos of Stephanie Seymour surfaced with her and her gay son who had an erection?  Well she didn't learn anything.  At least this time they aren't embracing or kissing in a weird manner.  Maybe she did learn that the eyes of the world are fixed on her chest.

Speaking of chests, someone ought to investigate Sofia Vergara.  No, I'm not talking about her legal status.  I'm talking about the fact that she's an expert smuggler.  Look at her.  You can't tell me she isn't trying to smuggle two basketballs into this country. 

Snooki was in Las Vegas this week after her performance on WWE (see below).  It looks like she's taking advantage of all those comped buffets.  Too bad it's not helping her win the battle against the wedgies.

Selena Gomez fears she's going to be killed by a crazed Justin Bieber fan.  Recently she was punched in the face by someone who claimed that she shouldn't be dating Bieber.  Well it's true, she shouldn't.  She's an adult and he's technically a child so she could get hauled in for being a pedophile.  But who would hurt her?  She's adorable.  Just look at that face.  I'd like to take her on a picnic and feed her corndogs and tell her that everything is going to be alright and then hump her.

A publicist for Sean William Scott said he voluntarily went to rehab this week.  They didn't say why he went to rehab though.  I have a feeling it's because he's addicted to first names.

This is Sara Jean Underwood.  She's the whiter, blonder, implantier version of Olivia Munn on G4's Attack of the Show.  For some bit on the show, she dressed up as a superhero.  I bet you are asking what her superpowers are.  It's quite simple.  She incapacitates her villains by giving them raging hard-ons.  Have you ever tried running with one?

Rebecca Black, who one week ago gave us the instant classic song Friday, claims she's being cyberbullied.  This 14 year old 8th grader released the song and in one week it's had 16 million views.  That is sickening.  It has surpassed Justin Bieber and Bruno Mars songs on iTunes but an article on Yahoo claimed it was the worst song ever.  She didn't like that and she claims that everyone who says bad things about her song are cyberbullies.  Oh so reviewing material isn't p.c. anymore?  The poor poor child, it is indeed the worst song ever made and because people are known to hate by extension, they will hate you.  I won't say it's right but welcome to the planet Earth.  You should take note and so should all the other kids with braces standing behind you.  YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO PROPERLY CELEBRATE A FRIDAY!  You may come back and offer your song about Friday when you wake up inside a dumpster in a pool of vomit and have another person's blood on you.

Paris Hilton told an author that she had her first boob job when she was 14 years old.  She also claimed that when her mom saw them she made Paris get them removed.  What do you do with old implants?  Paper weights?  Well Paris Hilton would have no use for them since she can't read.  The author, Neil Strauss, is releasing a book called "Everyone Loves You When You're Dead".  It has many stories like that about stars.  One story is about how Courtney Love mixed Kurt Cobain's ashes with coke and snorted them.  Ah...what a refreshing look at life in Hollywood!

Nicki Minaj performed in Rhode Island this week and that was one of her "props".  Perhaps she borrowed something from the Usher collection.  Hell it probably is taken right from his trunk.

Former rapper/singer Nate Dogg died at the age of 41 this week.  The cause of death is not known but he did have a few strokes in 2007.  I remember him back in the day when he sang on that one song for Warren G.  I actually thought he was finished with the music industry but he was working and had released some solo albums and appeared on The Boondocks.  He'll be missed and to borrow one of his famous lines...smoke weed every day.  Pour one out for Nate Dogg.

Well, Miley appears to be drunk.  She must have went to a bar that had a special 18 years old and under night.  No.  She's just got her Lindsay-in-training permit.  She must have really hit the booze hard because her friends had to carry her.  Maybe she wasn't drunk but was just on a sugar high from all the Shirley Temples she drank.  That's the only thing people drink at bars, right?

The Cyrus family is now one happy family.  Tish, the matriarch, dropped the divorce from Billy Ray and she has reconciled with him.  Billy Ray took her back even though she cheated on him with Brett Michaels.  I think it's admirable that he can put that betrayal behind him and keep his family together.  I couldn't.  I kicked a pregnant girlfriend to the curb because the baby wasn't mine for obvious reasons.  Well he's probably just doing it for show but whatever, they probably celebrated all the reconciliations with party packs from Taco Bell and once they were finished eating they did some line dancing.

Michael Gough who played Alfred in Tim Burton's Batman movies died this week at the age of 94.  Believe it or not but this guy is in more Tim Burton movies than Johnny Depp.  I guess God needed a butler.  He will be missed.

Mel Gibson plead no contest to beating his girlfriend and he received 16 hours community service, 52 weeks of counseling, and 36 months of probation.  This was his mugshot when he turned himself in this week.  He doesn't look like a guy who would scream racial epitaphs over the phone.  He looks more like a guy who'd stand out in his garage sorting fishing lures while sucking on Werther's Originals...a grandpa.

Jodie Foster still loves her beaver.  Well at least the guy holding the beaver.  We all know Jodie loves the beaver but anyway this week the movie she directed that stars her and Mel Gibson, The Beaver, premiered at SXSW in Austin, TX to rave reviews.  Some are claiming that everyone will forget Mel Gibson's antics when they see this film.  Jodie gave an interview to promote her movie but from some of her answers I think she has Stockholm Syndrome.  Here's what she said about a loving Mel: "“He’s so incredibly loving and sensitive, he really is. He is the most loved actor I have ever worked with on a movie. And he’s not saintly, and he’s got a big mouth, and he’ll do gross things your nephew would do. But I knew the minute I met him that I would love him the rest of my life.”  How Mel is a human being: "I know him in a very complex way. He’s a real person; he’s not a cardboard cutout. I know that he has troubles, and when you love somebody you don’t just walk away from them when they are struggling.”  And further proof that Mel Gibson probably is holding a sex tape featuring Jodie and another woman so she will talk nicely about him: God, I love that man. The performance he gave in this movie, I will always be grateful for. He brought a lifetime of pain to the character that we’ve been talking about for years, that I knew was part of his psyche and who he is. It’s part of him that is beautiful and that I want people to know, too. I can’t ever regret that.”  OK we get it, you love Mel and you're being a citizen of a Christian nation and forgiving him or maybe she just wants to wrap him in a giant vagina and eat him.

Somewhere, Satan is smiling because I posted these photos of Ke$ha.  These bikini photos are what I would imagine what Edith Bunker would look like if she ever posed for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition.  Ke$ha just gave me further proof that she doesn't care as long as she hears the cameras click.  Why is it that the likable kid with cancer who dies from exposure to the sun but not Ke$ha?  Like her music, these photos need more autotune.  Oh hell, I've got a boner.

Katy Perry is set to release her very own perfume.  I don't know why but I've pre-ordered three cases.  There's two massive reasons why she's such a great saleswoman: she's nice and she's persistent.  What?  Did you think I was going to mention her breasts?  Perv.  Her mother, Mary Perry Hudson, is writing somewhat of a tell-all book about her daughter, Katy.  Katy should get revenge by posing nude for Hustler.  The book will be about how Katy has impacted Mary's Christian ministry both in positive and negative ways and how Mary is proud of her daughter although she doesn't agree with all her choices.  What else could she reveal in a tell-all?  Mary fed her cow hormones?  What else could she want from her daughter?  I know ministers have high expectations from their children but Katy is married to a guy who looks like Jesus.

Earlier this week, a friend and I were sitting around sipping snifters of brandy while discussing how we have been asking a deity for more episodes of Kate Plus 8.  Guess what.  Our prayers were answered because TLC announced that they will be making another season of Kate Gosslein exploiting her children.  Honestly, if I wanted to see a single sell her soul to support her kids I'd go to a strip club.

Justin Bieber had a wax figure unveiled this week.  What you see him doing just before it was unveiled is checking to make sure the vagina was to scale.

Jenny McCarthy says that vaccines are causing autism but she's just killing children with reactionary ramblings and mumbo-jumbo but holy crap does she know how to wear a bikini.

Gilbert Gottfried was recently fired as the voice of the AFLAC duck because of jokes he made on Twitter.  Now a certain top blogger only posted one of those jokes and it was quite tame.  I didn't think he should have lost his job over that but here are two of the others...THESE ARE NOT MY JOKES..."I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, 'They'll be another one floating by any minute now'" and "I fucked a girl in japan. She screamed "I feel the earth move and I'm getting wet."  AFLAC didn't find this amusing because 75% of their business is in Japan.  And we hear Gilbert saying in the duck's voice, "Aaaah Fuck!"  This is a commentary on our advanced civilization.  We no longer need to leave our house or change or socks to get fired.  Just say some crap on Twitter and wait for your check to come in the mail.  Gilbert did apologize later on: “I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan. I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families.”  He did a joke about 9/11 a few months after the fact and people thought that was too soon.  Some people face tragedy with humor and like Gilbert, I'm one of those people.  So how soon is too soon?

A few weeks ago I wrote how the creator of Glee got his butt plug in a twist because Kings of Leon and Slash of Guns N' Roses refused to let him use their songs on his crappy tv show.  Of course Ryan Murphy called "homophobia" on them and said they don't appreciate teaching the arts in school.  How the hell is that show doing anything for our failing schools?  It takes more than the a show about kids singing to keep our government from slashing funding.  Well don't expect any Foo Fighters songs to be on it any time soon.  Here's what Dave Grohl said: "It’s every band’s right, you shouldn’t have to do fucking Glee. And then the guy who created Glee is so offended that we’re not, like, begging to be on his fucking show… fuck that guy for thinking anybody and everybody should want to do Glee.  I watched 10 minutes. It’s not my thing.  The Glee guy, what a fucking jerk. Slash was the first one. He wanted to do Guns ‘n’ Roses and Slash is like, ‘I hate fucking musicals. It’s worse than Grease.’ Then [Murphy's] like, ‘Well, of course he’d say that, he’s a washed up ol’ rock star, that’s what they fucking do.’ And then Kings of Leon say, ‘No, we don’t want to be on your show.’ And then he’s like, ‘Snotty little assholes…’ And it’s just like, Dude, maybe not everyone loves Glee. Me included.”  I've already ranted about this and I'm sure people will construe my words as homophobic but damn it, when you ask someone to use their work in a hokey way be prepared to have the word "no" as an answer.  Seriously, do we even teach that word any more?  Kids ask to get drinks during class.  They're half way out the door and I say no.  What do you mean no?  It's always a possibility.  And fuck you for thinking the word no is homophobic.  I will comfort you instead of boring you any longer with this.  Fans of Glee, your life will get better.

Erik Estrada turned 62 this week.  And if you have any work that needs to be done, he's your man.  He doesn't care how much he gets paid just as long as he receives a credit in your work.  This is a hint to any film makers out there.

Coco turned 32 this week.  I really don't know what else to say.

Cee Lo recently told a newspaper that he's having more sex because of his music and he claims he's having sex with 2 or 3 women every night but not at the same time.  Usually those who brag aren't getting laid but in his case I believe that he's having more sex but it's probably like 1 or 2 different girls a week.  Plus they aren't banging him for his music.  It's for his money.

Here's a first look at NBC remake of the TV series Wonder Woman.  Wonder Woman is being played by Adrienne Palicki from Friday Night Lights.  I loved her in that show but I don't know about this one.  I was thinking NBC tried a Wonder Woman series a few years ago but it was Bionic Woman.  NBC hasn't had much luck with superhero shows....Heroes...Bionic Woman...The Cape (remember the hype behind that show?  They only made 10 episodes and the finale was only viewable on the website).  The good thing about that outfit is that it's bulletproof but that's because the bullets will die from laughter before they reach her.

I think Alicia Silverstone may be a tad pregnant or she's bloated like me after St. Patrick's Day.  Oh she's come a long way since Clueless.  To think that was the first movie that saw me have sex in public.  OK so it really wasn't sex per se but I felt a boob and well I had sex.  Yeah, pregnant women...remind me to stay away from my pregnant friends.

Bryan Adams announced this week that he is going to be a father for the first time at age 51.  Hey, there's hope for me yet.  This wasn't a One Night Love Affair but he is having the baby with his longtime girlfriend and personal assistant.  I bet she assists him.  Wait, yes, she does; she's pregnant.  They are expecting the baby in May because they had a Night to Remember in August.  Oh maybe she should wait until June or July so that he could rework Summer of 69 and make it Summer of 11.  Oh and when she goes into labor I wonder if she'll have a c-section because the doctor will use a scalpel because it Cuts Like a Knife.  I bet when he holds his baby in his arms he'll Thought He'd Died and Gone to Heaven.  Hahahaha...song references.

If this post made your eyes burn, here's Ewan McGregor on an old-timey bike with a dog in the basket.

Video Section
As mentioned earlier, Snooki was on WWE Raw.  Her's her in-ring action.

Earlier this week, I posted a link to a video from the Donald Trump roast.  It featured the worst comedy routine ever and the person who gave it was The Situation of Jersey Shore.  You know, Greg Giraldo was greatly missed from that show and that being said, Comedy Central could have dug up his corpse and that would have been funnier than The Situation.  Oh and if you can watch the video, he was censored and here are his censored jokes: "Yo Snoop, what up dawg ... you know you have so much in common with Donald Trump? Trump's ancestors were into real estate ... and your ancestors were considered property."  "I'm not from New Jersey ... I was born in Staten Island which is a New York borough ... not to be confused with the burro Marlee Matlin blows onstage in Tijuana ...Relax, she didn't even hear it ... I mean hey, at least her mouth is good for something right? Hey, that was definitely some great work Marlee ... have you ever done anything else actually?" "Larry King is rockin' the Armani diaper ... Seth MacFarlane is sporting Victoria's Secret ... panties. And Snoop is wearing a Louis Vuitton condom ... nah, I'm just kidding, he don't wear condoms, you know that!" "I like Larry King ... he's a playa ... he actually wrote a book named 'Mr. King Is Having a Heart Attack' ... he got that title from a hooker he was fucking." "Trump is a good looking dude ... if your eyes are like Marlee Matlin's ears."  So they may have been edited for content not just because they were awful.  He was out of his element just like most women when they see my shrine to guns, booze, and cheap cologne.

I hope every one has a great weekend because I hereby declare KARATE AND FRIENDSHIP FOR EVERYONE!  You know, I'm thinking of sending this blog as an application to Dartmouth.