I think watching Law & Order: SVU has made me impotent.

Scott Walker went bowling over the world.  Usually he only uses alleys for exits.  He hit 52% of the pins and said this was a “man date”.  Walker did send the state police to arrest the pins that didn’t fall over.  He knocked down all the pins and a guy sitting at the bar yelled, “Strike!” so Walker had the guy arrested and stripped of all his rights.  Walker also is so damned intent on restoring the intention of the Founding Fathers but of course he’s trying to ignore that pesky thing called “checks and balance”.  My 10 year old cousin told me that she wanted to go down to Madison and slap Walker in the face for hurting her big cousin but then she said she wouldn’t because “shit splatters”.  God, I love farm logic.

The entire world’s a stage and I didn’t get a part.

Have you ever been taking a shit and someone tries to converse with you?  How awkward is that?

Do Smurfs like anal sex?  Once in a blue moon.

The Ford Focus is the ultimate pussy wagon because everyone will call you a pussy for driving one.  I love crawling up next to one at a stop light and revving my engine.  Because I drive an SUV, I have a small penis but I love the look of fear in the eyes of smart car drivers.

I found a $100 bill on the street this morning.  The kid in me wants to buy candy and toys but the adult in me wants to buy porn, booze, candy, and toys.

I bought my girlfriend a vibrating chair for her birthday and she has been sitting in it for 18 straight hours.  I have effectively outsourced myself.  

Paris Hilton is a communist because everyone shares her.

Who knew public relations meant that people weren’t paid to have sex in public?

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I bet it’s hard to be an atheist because when they’re having sex they can’t scream “oh God” and they have to remember their partner’s name.

The April Fool’s joke that almost put me in jail: proposing to a girl.  I begged the police to take me into protective custody.  Who knew someone would get so bent out of shape over a fake proposal.

The first thing you have to realize when you are trying to be a comedy writer is that you will never write anything as funny as “Informer” by Snow.

My friend told me that because I sit behind a desk, I have a desk job.  I then said that he’s a performance artist and blows bubbles for a living so he’s a blowjob.

Every woman has a price.  For some it’s $500 a night and for others it’s the price of a bottle of rum and 2 minutes followed by a whole lot of apologizing and claiming it's the motion in the ocean and her particular ocean was boiling hot.

When I see guys wearing bandaids on their face for some sort of style I think that the bandaid isn’t large enough to cover their homosexuality.

I saw that Harry Houdini started a Xanga account today.  By the time I got around to opening it, the site disappeared.  He was that fucking good.

They say sex is the best cure for a hangover...that mixed with whiskey has always worked for me but lately it's only been whiskey.

I watched “Marley & Me” and was disappointed it wasn’t about Bob Marley.  I shouldn’t have bought all the weed in anticipation.  Speaking of which, I got an invitation to a 4/20 party.  I never knew stoners could be so organized.

I use emoticons because I’m dead on the inside…:)

They always talk about life handing you lemons and how you should make lemonade.  What happens if life hands you a pile of shit?

Even though I was born in the 80s, I am a World War II veteran thanks to the Medal of Honor games.