OK, class, let's settle down.  I had a chance to look at your homework and I must say I'm quite please.  Rob_of_the_Sky, take that pencil out of your nose this instance.  I was impressed with your answers.  Some of my favorites were Billy Joel, Charles Bukowski, Hunter S Thompson, Nelson Mandela, Robert Frost, Bach, Christopher Walken, Les Claypool, C. S. Lewis, me, the Earl of Sandwich, Andy Kaufman, Traci Lords, Randy Savage, Dean Smith, Bob Dylan, ABBA,  Blaze Starr, Bertrand Russell, and Martin Luther King Jr. 

These are all great choices.  I know some of you were merely selecting with your hormones but you are developing those feelings after all and it is to be expected.  I won't name names but you know who you are.  For the love of all that is sacred, Rob_of_the_Sky, take the pencil out of your nose. 

I have decided that since you did this assignment and put a lot of effort into it that I would give you my guests.  This has been difficult for me because there are just so many I could choose from.  I'm sure if I selected with my hormones you'd be freaked out so I will leave it to historical people.  OK, Rob_of_the_Sky, you have a bloody nose.  What did I tell you about putting a pencil in there?  You can't sharpen a pencil with your snot.  Once you get done seeing the nurse, go see the principal.  I want you to write me a 500 word essay about why you should put a pencil in your nose.

OK, here's my dinner guests.

1.  Martin Luther, I went with Luther because he has had such an impact on Christianity and not always for the good.  If it wasn't for Luther, we wouldn't have any other church beside the Catholic and Orthodox denominations.  I'd also like to quiz him about his hatred for Jews and ask how he felt about inspiring another guest to comment genocide.  I'd also like to know what he thinks about modern Christianity and if he likes Michelle Bachmann's quest for the presidency.

2.  Tom Waits, we need a good musician for my meal and I am in the mood for some Tom Waits.  There is just something about his voice.  The dulcet tones make me just so relaxed.  I figure that with him as a guest we'd sit around the table drinking scotch and smoking cigars as we listened to him lament about the winter lasting forever but looking on the bright side that spring would be coming soon...symbolism, class!

3.  Julius Caesar, a military genius, politician, and poet.  Caesar was an amazing individual.  I'd love to pick his brain and ask him why I had to translate his writings in freshmen Latin class.  I would debate whether or not "Gallia est omnis divisa in partes tres" and if he was a gambling man because he once said, "Alea iacta est".  I'd also ask him if he had to say "puella, puella, puellam, puellae, puellā, puellae, puellae, puellae, puellās, puellarum, puellis, puellis, puellis".  Also Caesar could feed us with his salad.

4.  Adolf Hitler, yes you heard me right...Hitler.  I would like to ask him where he got the balls to do what he did and maybe if there was time, I'd ask him to paint me a picture.  The main reason why I sat him in seat #4 is because that is in the corner and at the end of the dinner the rest of the guest and myself could gang up and stop a mudhole in him.

5.  Sarah Silverman, I find her hilarious and Jewish.  She would be seated next to Hitler because I think he'd find her hot even though she is verboten.  I think he'd also like her jokes about Jews.

6.  Bettie Page, there's something about her that just makes me giddy.  I also have fond memories of her because my grandfather had pin-ups of her in his leather repair shop.  Yes, my grandfather had photos of a woman clad in leather exhibiting forms of S&M in his leather shop.  We get freaky because of all the snow.

7.  You, I'd sit you in the best seat in the house, my right hand side because that is the seat of honor and I have bad hearing so I could lean over and you would have my good ear.

Rob_of_the_Sky, I know you're standing outside the door making faces at us.  Get to the principal's office immediately!  I was so pleased that I'm giving each of you an A.  I didn't give you an A+ because I don't want any of you slacking and there's always room for improvement.

Say goodbye to your ribs because you’re about to be tickled to death.

One thing in porn I can’t stand is when girls fellate their dildos.  Is this a turn-on?  Would they expect us to get turned on by watching Ron Jeremy eat a taco?

Because of “Secret Millionaire” I know say “excuse me” when I knock over the homeless because I hope I get rewarded for my kindness.  I’ve also stopped urinating on them.

Because I’m fat, trimming my pubes is like trying to give myself a haircut blindfolded.

A girl told me I should be more romantic so I took notes while watching the Lifetime movie about the Craigslist killer.

I hated having Sloppy Joe for supper as a kid.  It always meant cleaning up after my Uncle Joe.  He was a messy eater.

There was a joke going around that guys should have sex with their girlfriends at 1:55AM on Sunday morning because they could claim that they had sex for an hour.  Hell, I wish I could have last the five minutes before the change.

I’ve never been drunk.  I am just verbally challenged.  The thing about drinking is that I always lose something, usually my morals.

I once ate at Hooters and thought that was a better name than the one originally for the establishment, “Hot Women with Huge Tits”.

I am thinking that the time has come to film my sex tape.  I just need to find an attractive and endowed guy to play the part of me.

A gentleman never asks a girl her age unless it involves going to jail.

My girlfriend told me that she was going to slip into something more comfortable but I didn’t think she meant sleeping in my neighbor’s bed.  I think she hated the pet name I gave her.  It was “Map Quest” because I wanted to have her know her place.  So I followed that old adage, “If you love something let it go”.  Only she didn’t return so I told everyone she had herpes.

And for your weekly dose of motivation: (the first was brought to you by a Xangan who wanted it to become a viral sensation so you know the drill)







When I see a “Caution Children” sign I always remember to stock up on condoms and re-read the vasectomy literature.

I was going to buy some new movies but Walmart has a crappy selection of Betamax.

Before I had Xanga, I used to make jokes on the CB radio…over.

I think I had sex with my lamp last night because I turned it on.

Nice guys finish last because they let their girls finish first.  I was going to make a joke about premature ejaculation but it was too soon.

In response to the Japanese earthquake and tsunami, FEMA has begun to respond to the earthquake in Haiti.

I’m glad to see people didn’t complain about Monday to show Japan how us Americans empathize.

The only true Chuck Norris fact is that he’s 71 years old.   And you are now Googling "Chuck Norris" to find out if he is really 71 years old.

Brain freeze is my body’s way of saying “that’s enough ice cream for you, Chubby McFattypants”

I call my beard a “hair chair”.

Spring is in the air because the rabbits have started to use my motion detector lights to film their pornos.

I’m thinking of naming my first child “Hey You” because I’ll never forget its name.

Yesterday was steak and blowjob day.  I was going to go to Denny’s to kill two birds with one stone but I got depressed and it turned into beef jerky and awkward masturbation day.  I don’t even know if that last part counts since I was told that I had a headache.

And don't forget to turn in your homework.

And don't forget...why you choose that specific person.

I expect it on my desk by first period on Wednesday.

Just some songs I'm really loving at the moment so just leave the eprops below.

gathered to demand more cats because it's Caturday.

Good news,everyone.  Maru is safe after the earthquake and tsunami.




שְׁמַע יִשְׂרָאֵל יְהוָה אֱלֹהֵינוּ יְהוָה אֶחָד

I really don't have much to say here.  I had a boring day other than having kids walk out of school but that's to be expected.  I got an email from my college and I'm thinking of going back to see if my degree is not just a useless piece of paper but I don't think they would take me because I have way too many questions that they can't handle.  I'm also looking at UW for some sort of new degree but because my college is a renowned diploma mill or at least it's seen that way in the work force I'll probably have 4 years of college to look forward to.  Fuck.  And I split the crotch out of a pair of sweat pants this evening.  I can't tell you how or why but it just sucks.  My favorite pair of Zubaz...ruined.  Anyway...some items may be NSFW or NSFL...should I explain it or do you even read this?

At recent event or some shit like that Vanessa Hudgens was asked if she was dating and she said she wasn't but she was taking potential suitors' phone numbers.  I hope my agent gets me in that casting call.  She has to screen guys because she probably doesn't like being a beard anymore.  Well if Vanessa is interested I have 8 numbers for her...8 as in inches.  But she'd be disappointed to know it's more like 10.  But in all seriousness it's 13 inches.  She really shouldn't be advertising that she wants a man because one thing that guys hate is a desperate girl.  But I hear girls love desperate guys.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DATE ME! 

On New Year's Eve 2009, Usher and Beyonce performed a private show for Moammar Gadhafi and it was rumored that each artist was paid 6 or 7 figures each for their performances.  Nelly Furtado performed for Gadhafi on New Year's Eve 2007.  When confronted with this, Beyonce made a $1million donation to a Haiti earthquake relief fund.  Furtado has said she will be making a $1million donation to charity.  My name is really Charity by the way.  Usher has said he was going to donate $1million to Amnesty International but they claim they haven't received any money.  You know what Usher should do?  Since he "discovered" Justin Bieber, he should make Bieber perform in Libya this weekend or better yet...Somalia.

Taylor Momsen, 17 years old, wore this little leather bar wench costume for her bands' performance at an S&M club in Germany.  Hmmm...Deutschland über alles!

These are photos from another performance by 17 year old Taylor Momsen and her band.  She looks like she will be fun when she turns 18.  I bet the reason why she acts this way is because there's too much fluoride in the water.  That has to be the reason why our young people are over-sexed.  THE FLUORIDE!

Suri Cruise is 4 years old and still uses a pacifier.  I hear that's bad for your teeth.  I asked my parents if I ever used one and they claim I did but once I turned 1 the pacifier wore out and they tried to give me a new one but I refused and that was the last of pacifiers.  Nothing could shut me up but little did they know beer works fine now.  Back to Suri...little do we know, she's just on her way to buy clothes for a rave.  She has the pacifier and she's there to pick up her Jinco jeans, her Superman t-shirt, and her candy necklaces.

Hey look, it's Old Broads Gone Wild!  Paula Deen went wild on Robert Irvine's chest after he smeared some butter all over it.  That was foolish of him.  She licked it up really quick because she can get every bit of butter out of every nook or crevice.  If he wanted to challenge her, he should have smeared some pizzaiola.  That would have been a challenge since it doesn't have butter in it.  Does anything she make not contain butter?
 
Here's a promotional photo of Wendy Williams for the new season of Dancing with the Stars.  She is my early pick because...well I find her hot.  I'm like Crayola.  My only fear is that she may not be able to dance in heels and stand up straight.  She has something up top weighing her down.  Oh well, she'll give Joel McHale plenty of fodder.

Here's the promotional photo of 60 year old Kirstie Alley.  Yeah, she's 60 and damn she looks pretty good.  It's also good to hear that she is as horny as a 16 year old boy.  She took to twitter and said that her partner should be nicknamed Johnny Ampleseed.  So, Kirstie, we don't want to know that your partner produces large amounts of ejaculate but I want to know what happened to Rebecca after Cheers went off the air.  Oh I also want to know what revenge you have planned for Wendy Williams since she regularly grills you on her show.  I know you have refused to be photographed with her and that includes cast shots.  It's nice to hear you're still a diva.  I also can't wait for your departure or Wendy's departure because Wendy is set to unload all your secrets.  I may have to watch this season.

O...M...G...Paris Hilton can exit a car without exposing her snatch to all the paparazzi snapping photos.  I think she has finally reached adulthood.

Pastor Mike Huckabee(and former governor of Arkansas and FOX News commentator) criticized Natalie Portmann for glorifying single motherhood.  He said this "People see a Natalie Portman who boasts, 'We're not married but we're having these children and they're doing just fine.' I think it gives a distorted image. It's unfortunate that we glorify and glamorize the idea of out-of- wedlock children. Most single moms are very poor, uneducated, can't get a job, and if it weren't for government assistance, their kids would be starving to death and never have health care," he said. "And that's the story that we're not seeing."  Hmmm so it's bad for Natalie Portmann to have a child out of wedlock but not Jamie Lynn Spears, Pastor Huckabee?  But you said this on another radio program: "Apparently, she's going to have the child, and I think that is the right decision, a good decision, and I respect that and appreciate it. I hope it is not an encouragement to other 16-year-olds who think that is the best course of action. But at the same time I'm not going to condemn her. It's a tragedy when a 16-year-old who is not really prepared for all the responsibilities of adult life is going to be now faced with all the responsibilities of honest-to-goodness adult life."  I know, I know...different circumstances.  Actually not.  A penis emits sperm and it travels to an egg and it fertilizes it and presto chango you have a baby.  So to recap, a 16 year old having a baby with no father=OK, an adult whose engaged having a baby=BAD.  I bet Pastor Huckabee loves Teen Mom.  OK so Natalie Portmann isn't guiltless.  She did say that eating meat is rape and she defended a guy who raped and sodomized a teenage girl.  Pastor Huckabee, there are plenty of other reasons why you can hate Natalie Portmann.  Like that movie she did with Ashton Kutcher.  Sweet Lord, I hate Ashton Kutcher.

Miley Cyrus posed for a magazine spread.  She wore some short leather shorts but no one carries anymore since she is of legal age.  Sorry, old woman.

Miley Cyrus is also reportedly dating via text messages Jared Followill of Kings of Leon.  Sexting...what is that?  I'll stick with my cybering thank you very much.  Either this guy will score with Miley or earn some sort of merit badge for figuring out what the hell she has on her head and why she considers those panties "hot".

Mike Starr, former bassist of Alice in Chains, passed away at the age of 44 this week.  He had a trouble past few years.  He was on Celebrity Rehab for his drug abuse and in the last month was arrested for drug possession.  Alice in Chains may have been my favorite band to be labeled "grunge".  I hope Mike found his peace.

Mike Meyers got married this week to his long time girlfriend at a tea shop in New York City that he co-owns with Moby.  You're not fooling anyone, Mike.  We all know you go "schwing" for schlong.  It's not any wonder that he got married now.  He's trying to pitch another Austin Powers movie.  Do we need another Austin Powers movie?  Maybe a remake of the first Austin Powers.

Mel Gibson struck a deal and will not serve any jail time for beating his former girlfriend.  Sweet!  I now know it's OK to beat women and there will be absolutely no repercussions.  The judge should have sentenced him to be Charlie Sheen's personal valet for 6 months because that would be worse than jail.  Two words: semen puddles.

Here's Megan Fox in a scene from her movie Passion Play.  This is the movie that Mickey Rourke said would make people know Megan Fox is a great actress and should be nominated for an Oscar.  Yep, people will get to know quickly because it was released straight to DVD.  Is it me or does it look like she got implants?  I seriously think she got magnet implants and they are polarizing.

Lady Gaga just got cool in my book because of this outfit.  I think she's throwing out props to one of the best gang movies ever made, Mi Vida Loca.  Yeah, screw you, it's an awesome movie and the guy who played Earl in My Name is Earl made his debut in that film as a skateboarder looking to buy weed.  Oh she is totally Sad Girl.

You know, I haven't said much about Kim Kardashian lately so here we go.  Damn!  Those pants and that ass, it looks like she has a family of rabbits in a garbage bag.

Ke$ha recently partnered with LifeStyles condoms to put her face on a limited number of condoms that she will throw into the audience at her shows.  Talk about prevention.  If I want to lose an erection, I think of her.  The condoms could get used by concert goers if they put them over their ears to protect themselves from hearing awful music.

Katy Perry can't sing or dance or write songs so she did the smart thing and parted ways with her music producer Dr. Luke.  This isn't good for her career since he's one of the big reasons why she is so popular.  I'll give you a hint at the other two big reasons why she's popular; they rhyme with "rubes".

Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake have broke up.  It's not a surprise since he was banging Amanda Seyfried, Olivia Munn, and Mila Kunis on the side.  A representative for Jessica broke the news.  Justin wasn't able to be reached for comment because his penis was in Mila Kunis.  I feel bad for Jessica.  The good news is, Jess, I'm single and I can afford to buy you a sheet set for your bed.  I may also be able to afford to buy you clothes that cover up your body.  It gets cold up here.

Jesse James celebrated Kat Von D's birthday by kissing her in front of the paparazzi.  They are gross but I can't help but wonder if when they have sex does all the ink smear?

Guy Fieri is such a douche but this story had me laughing.  He had his Lamborghini at a dealership on display.  Apparently a thief or thieves broke in and stole his car.  This isn't sad because an expensive car was stolen from its owner.  No, it's sad because Guy Fieri can afford a $200,000 car.  Most guys who are effeminate with spiked hair that is frosted would be ballerinas or some shit like that.  Oh and the thieves were caught on camera and they stole the car in under a minute. (So much effort for a Minute to Win It joke but I hate Guy Fieri)

Emma Watson is a somewhat popular actress and now she can add college drop-out to her resume.  Here's a letter she sent out to her fans on her website: Hi everyone, As you know, I love Brown and I love studying pretty much more than anything but recently I've had so much to juggle that being a student AND fulfilling my other commitments has become a little impossible.  I've decided to take a bit of time off to completely finish my work on Harry Potter (the last one comes out this summer) and to focus on my other professional and acting projects. I will still be working towards my degree... it’s just going to take me a semester or two longer than I thought : )  Hope you are all well! Thank you for all your continuing support.  Emma xx 
Wow that reads like my life story but you change "Ivy League School" with "tech school" and "making movies" with "smoke a ton of weed".  Shit, I have the chills.  I think my brain is set to explode.

This week was a heck of a week for Chris Brown.  Somehow a photo of his penis wound up online and he talked about his relationship with Rihanna.  He said it was all a mishap.  No, looking and dressing like Urkel for a photo shoot is a mishap and not beating a woman senseless.  Fucking hell give me 5 minutes with this animal and I will teach him the meaning of mishap.  You know he would come off as a better guy if he would say in his best Urkel voice..."Did I do that?"  Fuck him.  Oh and if you want to see his schlong...here. Let's recap: a grown man doesn't lay hands on a woman, you look like a damn fool, and beating a woman until she requires plastic surgery isn't a mishap. 

This is a photo of Brad Pitt from the set of his movie about the guy who played Uncle Fester, Jackie Coogan.  Actually it's not, it's a movie called Cogan's Trade.  He plays a guy investigating a mob poker game and happens to share the name with Uncle Fester.  You know, I'm not one to find guys attractive but I am digging that hair.  I wish I could rock my hair like that.  Curse you male pattern baldness!

Audrina Partridge recently broke up with her boyfriend.  It looks like I can now win her over with my amazing thumb removal tricks.  "Gee, Mister, are you a wizard?"  Can you blame the guy for breaking up with her?  One of my requirements in a girlfriend is that she's able to spell and form coherent sentences.  I guess I have high standards and should plan on being alone since they plan to cut $900million from my state's education budget.

Angelina Jolie recently made inquires to adopt a child from the Philippines.  Soon her family will resemble the United Nations.  I think this photo may shed light why she adopts so many kids.  She can't breastfeed her children since she has no nipples.  I stared and stared(which is supposedly a way to lower blood pressure according to German scientists...Deutschland über alles!) but I could find no nipples.

When Adrianne Curry isn't playing World of Warcraft or talking about Star Wars, she's helping me have a nice day via Twitter.  Here's some nerdiness...does anyone else see the Eye of Sauron?

I'm just going to say this once...I am so jealous of this guy.

Maybe not.  Carlos was fired from Two and a Half Men this week.  To add insult to injury, Carlos had suggested that CBS use Rob Lowe to be the new Charlie on the show but CBS said they would not offer the role to Lowe.  I hope they don't bring back the show.  Maybe they should just have one more episode and say he died and Alan ends up homeless.  If they don't do that, they could always introduce a character for Sandy Duncan.  Anyone?  Anyone?  Valerie's Family became The Hogans?

In case you didn't know, Britney Spears is still bat-shit crazy.  Britney did an interview for Out magazine and when asked if reincarnation was possible what would she come back as and she said she'd want to come back as a bird so she could fly.  Shit...she's so high on all her happy pills that she's 10,000 feet in the air.  See Britney doesn't get the whole reincarnation thing because they asked her who she may have been in a previous life.  Britney said she was Audrey Hepburn.  Audrey Hepburn died in 1993 and Britney was born in 1981.  She was also asked what she felt about gay marriage since she has been married twice and one of those times was for a mere 55 hours and Britney said that everyone should be treated equally.  Yes, all people should have the right to be married for 55 hours.  Oh well, she still knows how to pose for a good photo.

Video Section
Miley Cyrus was recently on Saturday Night Live and did a skit where she played Justin Bieber.  It was actually pretty funny.

Justin Bieber got pissed at a paparazzo.  Maybe he was still sore from Miley portraying him on SNL.

Tom Brady was spotted at Rio during Carnaval sporting a pony tail.  What a douche!  I wish the NFL would come back just so I could have the opportunity to tackle him.

Charlie Sheen gave what he claims is his last interview.  He was on the Dan Patick Show.  It was so odd listening to that because Dan says it's time to take calls and here's Charlie from California.  It's odd how all the craziness started on the Dan Patrick Show and is supposedly going to end on that show.  I bet the mothership wishes they never cut ties.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

I think most of the snow from yesterday has melted so maybe spring is right around the corner.  It just seems so weird around here, there's this loud silence.  It feels like something is bound to happen but I don't know what.  I should stop there or I'll have a visit from COINTELPRO and you will never hear from me again.  Maybe it's also that I've fired a few indignant letters to Obama about how he sat on his hands with Tunisia, Egypt, Libya, and now Wisconsin.  Oh well linky-poos.

1.  I love this one just so you know.  It's an artist who reads celebrity twitter accounts and turns their tweets into pieces of art.  It's called Tweet Museum.  My favorite is either the Ashton Kutcher or Michael Moore picture.

2.  Back when I was getting into collecting DVDs, I found the Criterion DVDs very confusing.  A lot of the time I didn't recognize the movie based on the cover art.  Anyway here is a collection of Fake Criterions.  They should seriously have a Gymkata Criterion.

3.  Awkward moments are awkward and here's a collection of some very awkward moments.  My favorite one is the one about listening to the radio and hearing a song but thinking it sounds weird and then realizing you're listening to the original and not the Glee version.

4.  Sometimes actresses have a few big moments and then they seemingly fall off the face of the planet and it has us asking "Whatever happened to..."  Well here are just a few.

5.  Nouns fucking rule!  Just type your favorite noun in the box and get a cool photo.

6.  Vinyl records are making a huge comeback and I think it's because of all the fun you can have with them.  I wish I was artsy and could have them but I think the only vinyl my parents kept are albums of The Letterman and Jim Nabors.

7.  I recently saw a TV show advertising this German website that sells something special in a can.  You may need Google to translate the page for you but I guarantee this product will be something you'll want to give your friends and family for Christmas.

8.  Are you male and want to remain celibate?  Well here is a male chastity belt.  I am thinking I should get one but I really don't have the need since well that's obvious if you watch my vlogs.  Anyway, I am thinking of the camo one or the wood finish one...hahaha...wood.

9.  So here's proof that we need to keep funding public schools and cut government officials.  How can someone spell this poorly?

10.  Iran is threatening to boycott the 2012 Summer Games in London next year.  Why?  They claim the logo is offensive and shows the Jew plans for world domination.  Well it's true, we want to take over the world right after we sue Xanga for harboring bigots and promoting hate speech.

11.  I really don't know what to say here other than here's a collection of things that look like dildos.  I was going to say how there are sex toys all around us but I don't think that's always true for the male species but oh well, just read the site.

12.  This website is one of the most difficult things I've ever found on the internet.  When I go online I am always active and have to be on the constant move so this site, Do Nothing for 2 Minutes, is an instant failure for me.  See if you can do nothing for two minutes.

It's hard to believe but it's true.

Really...wake up.

So who gunna vote for Pastor Huck?  He got the R behind him name and he on the FOX News and they is always right.

Thank you, Barclay Pollack.

I am one of those born again virgins but with shittier systems.

Those lips are only good for one thing...helping 747s land.  She stands out on the runway and flaps those things in whichever direction the plane needs to go.

So that's Tiger Blood.

I'd drink it but then of course once I had one I'd have to have 12 more and soon I'm robbing people just to buy another can.

I'd watch it.  He'd probably win an Oscar for it.

And that is a public restroom, a very public restroom.

I really don't know what else to call it because some call the ones in Kansas "Midwest".  Anyway, if I am not arrested by Scott Walker's secret police for being subversive because I am calling for the eyes of America to look at it's historical heartland to see we are under attack by those who impose their will over us.  The avarice of the ultra-right is boundless and they equate freedom with wealth and religious fervor with intrusive, cruel and dictatorial control of both our minds and bodies.  The threat is is not imminent.  IT IS HERE...NOW!  If you do not stand up today, tomorrow you will be on your knees.  OK...end political rant.

So I've been talking with Steffy Jean about some possible things to do.  We've decided that the upper Midwest meet-up will be in Wisconsin Dells, the funnest place in the Midwest.  I've thought of a few places we could visit as a group and this was pretty difficult since there is so much to do in town and the surrounding areas.  Here are some of the options:
Circus World Museum: although it's not in the Dells, it's nearby and can be quite fun for...what is the old phrase...children of all ages.  It would be fun if any of you had families and wanted to relax with them.  They are open 9AM to 6PM.  Prices $15 adults $13 senior citizens $8 children 5-11 and children under 5 are free.

Wisconsin Dells Ducks: People always say these tours are fun.  I probably haven't ridden a Duck since I was in primary school.  I'm not sure how long the rides are.  The prices are $20 a person or $15 if you order in advance but the tickets are non-refundable.

The Upper and Lower Dells boat tours:  These are fun for the nature lovers.  Travelling up and down the Wisconsin River viewing rock formation.  The lower tour you just look from the boat.  The upper tour has docks where you can get out and walk around.  I can't go on one of the hikes because of a rock formation in the path.  It's called Fat Man's Misery.  A complete tour is $31.  I think the tours are about 2 hours in length so I figure this one may be out because you probably would be disgusted with me after 4 hours.  We could get a group rate if we had 20 or more people.

Kalahari Water and Theme Park: It's a combo deal and if we get 10 or more people then it would be $38 a person for all day access to both parks.  And if the allure of theme parks or water parks loses it's luster, there are bars inside the Kalahari and a movie theater next door.

Another thing with the Dells is that it's the mini-golf capital of the world.  I think the best deal is Pirates Cove.  They have a group rate for every 10 people, 1 gets their game free.  18 holes of golf is $5 a person and $4 for every additional 18 holes.  They also have a group rate of $10 for unlimited golf and access to their fun center which includes giant checkers and chess, pedal cars, and sand play area.

Also I think I can swing karaoke for the adults at a local bar, the haunted one I write about.  If that isn't appealing there is always the casino or the strip clubs.  If you have any questions feel free to ask.  We haven't picked a date as of yet.  I guess I'm trying to get the itinerary planned before the date.  Oh and if you need accommodations I can send you lists of hotels or campgrounds.  And if the Dells isn't too your liking, there's always Wonewoc.

I was going to do a vlog tonight but I'm not going to bother posting on Xanga.  I come off as pretty psycho and depressing.  I guess that's what happens when you talk about people leaving you all while brandishing a 12 gauge.  It's funny when I get my guns out to clean them, my cats always have to sniff them.  I wonder if they know all the life I've ended with them.  I don't think so because if they did they probably wouldn't sleep on me or chew on my eyebrow ring in the morning to wake me up so I feed them.  Wait, they probably only seek my attention so I feed them or give them water...sigh...just like real live people.  Kiki is now chewing on the barrel of my gun.  So cute.  Well here are some photos and some videos.

Michael Moore is here.  Maybe I'll get to be in a movie.

I wish people would fucking wake-up.

That Peter Griffin is a genius.

Maybe I can blame them for smoking weed back in the day and overeating.  The Bernenstein Bears made me fat.

He got off easy.  I still think it's going to get worse at OSU.  This story isn't over.

Nothing but the best for LeBron. 
I dropped off my mom at work this morning because she couldn't get there with all the snow and then I drove to my house.  I sort of lost it in my driveway because of the sloppy conditions.

I inspect the damage.

I'm only posting because I know the drummer.

Have a great appropriate unit of time.

In honor of Women’s Day: Why do women have two sets of lips?  One to argue with and one to apologize with.  Did anyone consider that Women’s Day and Fat Tuesday were on the same day or did they want women on their knees ralphing in toilets?  Seriously if the word “woman” is involved with the word “fat” my answer will always be “no”.  The bad thing is while women are trying to celebrate all their contributions to society there are some out there showing their boobs for plastic beads.  I didn’t bake a cake for International Women’s Day but I figured I would like to eat some pie.  I actually didn’t buy any women anything for the holiday because I don’t know what women want and I tried asking Mel Gibson but he just started rambling racist epitaphs.  Another interesting thing is that women get a day and sharks get a week.  I’m into women’s issues; not so much feminism but more like women with problems.  It’s not funny how many jokes are being tossed around on International Women’s Day about kitchens being empty but seriously, where’s my sandwich?  But seriously this is a special holiday and we should think of all the good things we want in women such as myself.

Zack Greinke of the Milwaukee Brewers baseball team was injured playing a pick-up game of basketball and now he will be going on the disabled list.  What a pussy!  My great-great-grandfather took an arrow through his spleen when playing a game of “take your land” with the locals.

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep because I kept asking myself the important questions in life: Where did this fellow named Cotton Eyed Joe come from?  Then once this rabble rouser arrived, where did he go?  Eventually I did fall asleep and dreamed about playing Atari which may explain why I woke up wearing no clothes.

My mouse and computer will never suffer from dry skin.

You know what the world needs?  More reality shows.

My girlfriend always enjoyed my erections because they were straight and to the point.  She always liked when I wore a watch on it because she knew what time it was.

The best way to determine if a song is good is if it could be in the Roadhouse soundtrack.

Worst song to get a lapdance to?  The theme song from Sanford and Son.

I’m thinking of coaching little league this summer and to get in training I’m watching Major League.  Now to figure out how I should make a hand signal for “Point for a Home Run and then Lay Down a Bunt”.

If I told you I was going to pick a fight with the guy who played Jamie Small Wonder, would you have my back?

And this is for Aloysius_Son for proof that I don't know how to draw:

Hope everyone had a swell International Women's Day.