WHAT A DAY!  The royal wedding...adfhasl;dkfhsdagfhkl'asdg.  Oh I watched part of it but I didn't see what all the fuss was about.  I don't have much to say here...read my post.

Zach Galifinakis took time to have a photo-op with a baby.  You know every movie in which he's had a lead role in the past few years, he's had a sidekick.  ZACH!  I could have been your sidekick.  That baby?  What good is a baby?  Babies are stupid.  If you poke them with a broom handle, 90% of the time they won't defend themselves and the other 10% they'll defecate in their pants.  If you wanted me to be poked with a broom handle, hilarity would ensue.  You give a baby a can of baby food, a can opener and a spoon, they won't be able to feed themselves.  If you gave me the same items, hilarity would ensue.  Your loss.  Call me when you want to do some serious work.

Sarah Shahi is now my favorite celebrity and it's not just because she's hot.  She's probably best known for her work on "The L Word" and "Fairly Legal".  Well the other day she went off on Paris Hilton and she earned my respect.  Yes, Paris Hilton almost ran Shahi down but in Paris' defense, it's hard to drive while looking in a compact mirror trying to do make-up while driving and saying "That's hot."

Sandra Bullock has told friends that she's extremely upset that Jesse James is releasing a tell-all book about their relationship.  She claims she's upset and shocked because he never consulted her when he decided to do the book.  I think she's actually worried that he's going to talk about how she dressed up like Eva Braun and recited Nazi propaganda speeches while they had sex.  Actually I think she's shocked because she didn't know Jesse James could write.

Ryan Phillippe is 36 years old and has said that he's retiring from acting.  One reason is that he says fans are too demanding in public and he's very introverted.  He says that he's been acting for 20 years and feels it's time to move.  So that's what he calls acting?  Oh well, we can just replace him with Justin Bieber.  Oh poor Ryan.  I feel bad for you, a multimillionaire who has to fight off girls offering blowjobs.  That sounds terrible.  How about we switch places?  I live in your mansion and you live in my basement.  It has all the privacy and hand lotion you could ever hope for. 

Wow...Pink is very pregnant.  It seems like everyone is pregnant these days...sigh...forever alone.

Nicolas Cage really needs to live up to his name and be put in a cage.  Child abuse detectives have been called to investigate Cage after witnesses said Cage pulled his child to the ground.  Nic and his wife were arguing and he had been drinking so they do the best thing parents can do when they are arguing and drinking, they went to pick up their 5 year old son from a friend's house.  His wife claims she was driving...thank god.  She and Nic claim that he was holding the child and Nic lost his balance and fell.  Witnesses claim that Nic pull the kid by the hand to the ground.  The Cages wouldn't let police interview the child and Cage started throwing a fit when police wanted to interview him.  You know, I really think the witnesses should be investigated for child abuse since they let a drunk drag a kid and yell at his shrieking wife.  God, this will end badly.

The BBC radio asked Morrissey if he was going to watch the royal wedding.  Morrissey responded with: "Why would I watch the wedding? Why would I watch it? I couldn't take any of that seriously. I don't think the so-called Royal family speak for England now, and I don't think England needs them. I do seriously believe that they are benefit scroungers, nothing else. I don't believe they serve any purpose whatsoever.  I'm not an anarchist, but I believe that people don't want the Royal family -- the so-called Royal family. They're not royal to me, but they're royal to the media for some reason.  The press reports from Buckingham tell you that people love them, but go out and speak to people on the streets and they will laugh at you. They really will."  I really wish they had filmed that response.  That would have made the Queen either scurry for shelter or have him beheaded.  You know he watched though.

Miley Cyrus earlier this week said that she wanted to be a flower girl in the royal wedding.  OK, imagine that regal, solemn, and refined affair and then picture Miley Cyrus making duck lips and flashing a peace sign with her fingers and then doing her stupid dance moves.  Too bad she didn't try to crash the wedding.  I was hoping for a beheading.

I'm starting to think that Mariah Carey isn't pregnant but she just got really large so she could get attention and have her belly painted without question.  I go and ask people to paint my belly and I get looks and refusals.  It's not fair.  I think she's been pregnant for about 18 months now.  OK yeah that's right, she's have twins so 18 months is about right.

Lindsay Lohan kicks off her 360 hours of community service this next week and a few of those hours will be spent in the L.A. county morgue.  She won't be doing any handling of bodies just some janitorial work.  I guess that's fitting since her career is dead.  She's also going to be working at a homeless shelter.  She'll be teaching acting classes.  I guess the homeless haven't been through enough.  They're going to have to learn how to act from someone who can't act.  Shouldn't you know how to do something before you teach it?  You'll never see me teaching a sexy cheerleading squad how to fly a plane but erotic kissing is another story.  TMZ claims the class if for women only and will be called D.I.V.A.S. which stands for Dames Investing in Very Authentic Storytelling.  So these homeless women are going to be taught acting lessons from a washed up actress who is about 1 month away from joining them on the streets.  if she wants to teach them the truth about how she gets work nowadays she better skip the annunciation chapter and get right to which knee pads are the most comfortable and which mouthwash takes shame away the fastest.

Leah Messer, one of the girls on MTV's Teen Mom got married to the father of her children and apparently the marriage has soured and she plans on divorcing him.  The good news?  She has agreed to let MTV film her life during the divorce process.  TEEN DIVORCE!  MTV has sunk to new lows.

Elton John announced that Lady Gaga is the godmother to his new son.  The kid has two dads and Lady Gaga for a godmother.  That kid may have a rough time in middle school.  Well the good thing will be that he'll never confuse her for his real mom.  Elton said that one of the reasons why he picked Gaga was because she knew and understood the music industry.  Oh really?  I guess she does know how to pander to the public.

Katie Couric officially quit CBS evening news this week.  I think she'll probably head to CNN to replace that Piers Morgan because that show has really sucked.  It's like watching a piece of dry wall trying to interview people.  That show has no life and it has no boobs so CNN wins in all of this.

Kate Hudson who is also pregnant claims that she hates being pregnant because she hates her large boobs.  She said she's normally an A-cup but now she is a D-cup.  I think that's what we call a cry for attention.  Kate, shut your mouth.  Enjoy your curves.  You'll go back to normal in a few weeks.

This is Julianne Moore dressed as Sarah Palin for the HBO movie "Game Change".  It's about McCain's 2008 presidential campaign.  I wonder how the revisionist historians will change this one.  McCain won?  I wonder who they're getting to play McCain.  Hugh Hefner?  Mike Myers as Dr. Evil?  Oh wait, it's Ed Harris. 

Jennifer Lopez is already thinking of departing American Idol.  She and her husband, Marc Anthony, have been shopping around a new singing contest where they go looking for undiscovered Latino singers.  That is so great!  JLo, you have to leave the show that made you semi-relevant once again.  What were you doing before American Idol came along?  Nothing...yeah, that's what I thought.

Elle Macpherson is 48.  That is all.

Thank you, God!  THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!  It was announced this week that Coco was going to have her very own reality show on E!.  Oh I hope it's on Thong Thursday.  Oh sweet lord...fap fap fap fap fap.

Barbara Streisand turned 69 this week.  You look marvelous darling, like buttah...screw you, she was hot back in the day. 

Adam Lambert was spotted at an awards show this week.  Is it me or does he look like he's auditioning for a live action version of Disney's Aladdin?

A while back I wrote about how Britney Spears' back-up dancers had to sign contracts that said they wouldn't drink or do illegal substances while on tour with Britney.  It turns out there is another piece to that contract that was left out.  Back-up dancers also can't eat junk food around Britney.  People, sell your Cheeto stocks now!  It's great to hear Britney is taking care of herself by making others restrict their diets.  Huh...sort of sounds like what the government does.  If she wanted to avoid things that would make her fat, she should have avoided K-Fed's dick.

There are rumors circulating that Two and a Half Men is as good as dead and will be canceled officially in the next couple of weeks.  Well Charlie Sheen has heard these rumors so he sent a letter to Chuck Lorre via TMZ: "MY fans may tune in for a minute, but at the end of the day, no one cares about your feeble show without me. Shame on you. Not even a phone call to the man that put you on the map. The man that put 500 million dollars in your pockets. You were on your way out of Warner Bros. with a buy out and a cup of cold coffee in your shaky and clammy hands. And then I walked into your office. And you created a show BASED ON MY AWESOME LIFE. I busted my ass for 8 years to support your vision. Your dream. In turn, it is my nightmare. You sad silly fool. A-hole pussy loser. Put on the gloves you low rent, nut-less sociopath; I’ll beat your chicken shit soul in a court room into a state of gratitude. A state of surrender. Something you left at the door every time you blundered into the pathetic AA loser lounge. Newsflash; they are planning on voting you off the AA island. Even those clowns have no room for you anymore. Wow, I’m sure your children are SO PROUD of you. You can teach’em how to be a stupid bitch."  And then it goes on and on about tiger blood, vatican assassins, and winning and then ends with the phrase: "Reap the whirl-wind you cockroach, reap it."  You know that would be cool if it wasn't coming from the punchline of a national joke who was being paid $2million per episode and used that money to fuel a drug, booze, and hooker habit.  You know, I thought Charlie Sheen was over and done with but it's going to go on and on.  Just imagine what happens when the cancellation becomes official.  In all honesty, Charlie is not doing good on this tour and he lost one of his "goddesses" who won an award for having multiple penises in her butt.  So...yeah, this will not end pretty.

Dear AmericanAlien, please come back to Xanga.  We here at Xanga would not be embarassed if you came back.  The girl you are with, hate to break it to you but she's embarrassed to be seen in public with you. If you came back to Xanga, we'd love to see you stop by our pages, in fact I'd probably post about the footprints you leave on my site.  PLEASE COME BACK!

So the horse-toothed balding prince got married...FINALLY...we can put this national nightmare behind us until the Prince Ginger the Great gets married.

The Beckhams were at the wedding and I think Elton John was sitting next to Guy Ritchie and I hope that's true because imagine what those two could come up with if they collaborated.  The weirdest celebrity that I spotted was Mr. Bean.  MISTER FREAKING BEAN!  I keep getting it confused.  There were two women who wore similar hats.  The one I'm thinking may be a princess that had to have a new nose made because of cocaine abuse but then Posh's hat fits the category.  If that little bow on the side was moved to the top...well, I think old Doc Freud would have a field day with me.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who thought this.  I so wanted some hot salsa music to be played so she could do a song and dance number.

Well does she?

That's what I was thinking, kid, although I was getting rather jealous toward the end.

The best part of that whole damn wedding.

I hope you have a great weekend.

I've gotten my hands on the actual birth certificate of President Obama and I think there are some glaring problems and these problems are pretty damning.  I think the birth certificate is a forgery.

1.  There is a red penis on the birth certificate.  Most birth certificates do not have poorly drawn penises on them.  It has to be a forgery.

2.  Even though the president claims to have been born in Hawaii, his birth certificate states he was born in Awesometown.  I have consulted maps and by maps I mean Google, THERE IS NO AWESOMETOWN, U.S.A.!  It has to be a forgery.

3.  22 Acacia Avenue is listed as the hospital's address.  22 Acadia Avenue is the title on an Iron Maiden song.  It has to be a forgery.

4.  The footprints clearly belong to a wolf and President Obama is a human.  It has to be a forgery.

5.  The birth certificate has the official Nintendo seal.  This proves nothing.  Hell, it doesn't prove anything when it's stamped on Nintendo games.  Did you ever play Bart vs. the Aliens?  Did you ever play Back to the Future?  Those games sucked yet they had the Nintendo seal on them and were packed into store shelves regardless.  Maybe Barack Obama is a Pokemon or a Koopa Troopa.  It has to be a forgery.

6.  Shit is smeared on the birth certificate.  Contrary to popular belief, there are no shit stains on birth certificates.  It has to be a forgery.

This whole royal wedding has me thinking of why I have no girlfriend.  It's simple; I have no game. 
It got me wondering how did some of the key historical figures in the world get women.  Here are some of their pick-up lines.

"Space-time isn't the only thing that is curved."-Albert Einstein
"Fetch me some calomel, Ms. Hemmings, I think I may have come down with jungle fever."-Thomas Jefferson
"How would you like to be Beethoven's fifth?"-Beethoven
"You know, there are certain things I could eat during my hunger strike."-Gandhi
"Your palace looks like it could use a sturdy column."-Julius Caesar
"United we stand, divided we fall...catch my drift?"-Abraham Lincoln
"Baby, you're the bomb."-Harry S Truman
"Your name must be Grace because you are irresistible."-Martin Luther(yes, all my years of theology are being put to use in writing a pick up line for Martin Luther)
"Come with me and I'll make you the Princess of Wails."-Prince Charles
"I'd like to drop anchor in your lagoon."-Magellan
"Avast! Prepare to be boarded."-Blackbeard
"I like my women like I like my DNA: unzipping my genes."-Linus Pauling
"Let's have a debate: I'll be a cultural relativist and you can adopt the missionary position."- Franz Boas(I didn't know this guy until tonight but I found that pick up line so I had to use it. He proposed the theory of cultural relativist)
"Yes, I am proud of helping to repeal the Stamp Act but I'd rather repeal that dress from you." Benjamin Franklin
" If you sign this non-aggression pact I promise to only blitzkrieg your western front."-Adolf Hitler
"Stalin means “made of steel”.  I didn’t get the nickname for my ruling ability."-Josef Stalin
"You’re making a Civil Rights Movement in my pants." Martin Luther King Jr.
"You wanna hear about my dream about you and I?"- Martin Luther King Jr.
"You’ve seen my face on Mount Rushmore, but wait till you see my face when I mount you."-Theodore Roosevelt
"Actually, the happiest place on earth is my bedroom."-Walt Disney
"What time do you get off work because I feel an uprising in my lower class?"- Karl Marx
"I lost my telephone patent, can I have yours?"- Elisha Gray
"Want to take a midnight ride?  I'll give a signal for when I am coming: one if by pink, two if by stink."- Paul Revere
"I'd like to thank you ahead of time for the fun we will have tonight."- Nostradamus
"I've got a huge part for you but only if you dress like a man."- Shakespeare
"Ich bin....how do you say 'hard as a rock' in German?"- JFK
"I'm going to split you in half."- King Solomon
"I consider it my duty to debunk the myth that you are flat."- Christopher Columbus.
"Do you prefer to do it with the lights on or off?"- Thomas Edison
"Right before God died, he told me we should bone."- Nietzsche
"Part 'em."- Moses

If you have any that you would like to submit, please send them my way in a comment.

American Idol...The Office...NFL Draft...what a night!  I didn't watch much of American Idol because the draft was one and I wanted someone to explain to me with this lockout does this mean that the teams basically "own" the player and he can't go play for someone else?  All I know is that the Vikings panicked and pulled the gun on a shitty quarterback.  If the Texans took Christian Ponder at #11, I'm pretty sure Minnesota would have drafted me as their next quarterback.  Christian Ponder...Viking fans are going to ponder the notion of having a good quarterback...I'm lame but I'm sad right now because of Casey Abrams and Michael Scott leaving their shows.  Boo-hoo.  Link time!

1.  Did you know National Geographic has a tumblr?  National Geographic has a tumblr.  I haven't found any naked ladies yet.

2.  I have had nightmares about some of my experiences in retail and I still cringe at some of those memories especially the multiple people with diarrhea.  Anyway, I stumbled upon this site called Clients from Hell.  It's a collection of experiences web designers have with clients. 

3.  Do any of my facebook friends who have children read this site?  Oh well, time to test the waters.  This tumblr is called STFU, Parents!  It's about all the crazy stuff parents do on facebook.  My favorite term is "mommyjacking".  It's when a person comments on something you post and they turn it into something about their children.  Luckily most of what I post on facebook can't be turned into children stuff especially not my talk of having a zombie girlfriend or my hate of the Minnesota Vikings.  Watch, I go back there and I'll have stuff "Look at how cute little Jimmy is posing with a zombie at the water park."  The more they post about their kids the more miserable I become.

4.  I hate commercials.  I usually flip through channels while they are on.  Anyway, 2010 produced some creepy commercials.  Here's a collection.  I disagree with the list, that Snickers commercial should be #1.

5.  I mentioned my zombie girlfriend well we are going to move into this zombie proof house.  Wait, if we did that then she couldn't come inside.  GAH!  Why must the universe conspire against me in my quest to get some find love.

6.  I know someone posted this personality quiz a while back but I can't remember who posted so I can't give you credit now.  Anyway, take this quiz to determine your personality.  Here is one of my results: Current situation is leaving him doubtful and cautions about becoming intimately involved with others.  GAH...now internet quizzes are conspiring against me!

7.  Do you enjoying dining out?  Do you enjoy eating at chain restaurants?  I don't mind going every once in a while but I won't make it a habit.  I think one reason my health has improved is that I have basically cut out all fast food from my diet but I digress.  Here's the 10 worst meals for you at chain restaurants.

8.  OK I'm going to let you in on a little secret...are you ready?  I LOVE WOMEN.  I really love women who pose for photographs.  I'll let you think about that.  Actually don't.  These are funny poses.  Did you see the girl with waffles?  That's straight out of my dreams.

9. ESPN has a certain type of reporter...hot females.  Here's a collection of the hottest.  It's funny how many of those women have left because of problems in the all boys club that is ESPN headquarters.  I think that's the reason why so many female personalities on ESPN are sideline reporters.

10.  This may be NSFW.  It's 25 pieces of erotic art from the olden days.  And they say our generation is smutty.

11.  I sometimes enjoy How I Met Your Mother.  This site is taken from an episode of that show in which Robin talks about a specific sex act in Canada.  Lilly spends most of the episode searching Canadian Sex Acts to figure out which act Robin did.  Yes, there really is a Canadian Sex Acts. 

12.  And in honor of the royal wedding which means shit to mean, here's a collection of freaky wedding ceremonies.  Would it be weird if I said there is at least one of those I could see myself doing for a wedding?  Notice I said "see myself doing".  I didn't say anything about a potential wife.  GAH!  Now I'm conspiring against myself!

OK, guy, it doesn't look like you should be giving anyone a hip.  I think you need them for yourself.

They call these "gnasher tats".  Yes, that's Prince William and P. Kitty.  Know what shall us Americans say about all those stereotypes of British and their teeth?

Good to see that Peyton Hillis made the cover of Madden.  I wonder if the lockout continues if they'll even release the game.  It's not that great.  They really haven't improved since 2006 because they haven't had any competition.  I watched a side by side comparison of NFL 2K5 and Madden 11.  They were mirror images.  Imagine how great Madden would be if they had competition instead of getting the exclusive rights to the NFL.  And I just realized that maybe 2 of you care about this.

If it wasn't Peyton Hillis, then he'd be gracing the cover.

I think that pretty much sums up why people eat ramen for every meal.

Always leave on a joke.  I just realized that the guy who is covering the royal wedding for CNN is named Dick Quest and he made my Celebrity Round Up a while back for getting arrested in Central Park carrying sex toys and propositioning men.  I wonder if Dick Quest will be on a dick quest at the royal wedding reception.  Lame.

Did you make heads or tails of that title?  Neither did I.

So if you read my pulse earlier this evening, I wrote how for the first time in 4 years my blood test results came back within the normal range.  I was quite shocked actually.  I haven't really done anything different other than doubling the amount of fruits and vegetables I eat.  Oh and I won't touch canned fruits or vegetables any longer.  It all has to come from the produce aisle.  I was fearing the worst, I always do.  I guess it stems from having this condition that the doctors could never figure out what it was.  It all started with a pneumonia bug and after that it seemed that my body just decided not to function.  I was severely anemic and was always close to needing transfusions.  I'd pass blood...I won't go on to tell you the specifics but that was frightening.  I've been snaked more times than necessary and everything is inconclusive and now I'm normal although the doctor said my blood pressure was a little higher than he'd like.  He figured that I have a lot of stress right now and said he still wants me to take a higher dosage.  Oh well, I figure that I took the top number down 50 points and the bottom number down 20 then I did pretty good.  Plus I've written some family out of my life which seems to have alleviated things.  Maybe Xanga has once again been my therapy.  You people are awesome for putting up with me and my crap.  I've been around here for about 6 years and I've had many people come across this site and I've built up some great relationships and I hope to continue this...gaw...mushy crap...let's get funny.

"Rizzo, you're a genuis.  Let's hope no one asks to prove that this is real."

I found that Twilight is now required reading at some colleges.

My face when I realized that Twilight is now required reading at some colleges.

Don't have to tell me twice...oh you did.

So when did he decide to rage against the machine?  He seemed so happy.

Drink you Kool Aid, Mac Users!  HAHAHAHA...DRINK IT!

OK, I'd eat that can of fruit but I'd eat it ironically.

They also won't hear you sobbing as you burn yourself.

Finally, the talent agent manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"  And then the father says, "The Aristocrats!"

I tried explaining this to someone earlier today so I thought I'd post it.


Have a great night and thank you once again.

I hear rumors that one of the members of the British royal family is getting married this week.  You’d think the news would be all over that.  Oh wait they are, I hear that 6% of Americans are closely following this marriage and the other 94% have enough problems in their own relationship to worry about a balding horse-toothed prince.  Also I think we shouldn’t call her “Kate Middleton” or “Princess Katherine”.  She shall now be called “P. Kitty”.  I hope they have tight security at the wedding because today I found out that I am #34617259^th in line for the British throne.  They don’t want me on the throne because I will teach them the meaning of “reign of terror”.  My first royal proclamation would be “I shit on the Magna Carta.”

I want a girlfriend who is a zombie so that way she can appreciate me for my brains and not my body.

Do you ever think that the reason that geologists say the earth is 6000 years old is so they can make Mother Nature blush and get on her good graces for some loving?

I only like to have sex with girls who have a Master’s degree or Doctorate.  Why?  I’m fucking genius.  And remember I'm the guy that said that the only way I'd get married is if the girl I married was born on February 14th and agreed to be married on February 14th.  Well it didn't happen but I did find a girl who was born on my birthday and agreed to get married on that day but I didn't marry her because I'd still have to remember Valentine's Day.

Are hipsters still wearing mesh trucker hats ironically?  I need a hat that matches my mesh shirts and I don’t want to be a hipster.

I took a girl to a Brewers game the other night.  We had a deal.  I kissed her on the strikes and she kissed me on the balls.

Coors Light has an indicator that tells you if your Coors Light is cold.  If you’re drinking Coors Light do you really care if it’s cold or not?

I was interviewed to be the fourth Beastie Boy.  They liked my haikus and my funny lines because I think that’s some Buddhist stuff.  Anyway I didn’t get the job because I viewed partying as more of a privilege than a right.

I’ve heard people spew the “fact” that every cigarette you some takes seven years off your life.  What if I was going to become a late-in-life serial killer?  Then smoking saves lives.  They also claim that if you stop smoking you can add ten years to your life.  So should I start smoking and then quit, start smoking and then quit, start smoking and then quit?  I COULD BE IMMORTAL!

Every time I go out to the bar looking for a girl, I put a porn in the dvd tray because that’ll more than likely be my date.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation, a dosage that will drive some of you insane:

The easiest way I’ve found to avoid people and not talk to them is to say “Just text me.”

Are people who only want to have sex with the homeless called hobosexuals?

Are the birthers who want to see Obama’s birth certificate questioning whether or not he was born?  If that’s the case I want to see the death certificate for Donald Trump’s hair.  If he wants it so bad, Trump can come to my house to view Obama’s birth certificate.  I found it under my couch when I was looking for my cat.  Strange, things are always in the last place you’d look.  Oh and because I was Facebook friends with a member of the Obama administration and saw IP addresses from Washington D.C. and the Armed Forces in my footprints, I like to think that they posted his birth certificate online all because of me.

Investment tip of the week: never give money to someone who has a tattoo of a weapon.

I’ve found that the best way to hypnotize women is to do jumping jacks naked.

Girls, trim your bushes.  I need to see in your windows at night.

Opinions are like male nipples, not necessary.

Why do they put a piece of toilet paper in wedding invitations?  Is it to say that if you come you’re going to have a shitty time?

I put “in a relationship” on my Facebook and I was bombarded with a slew of comments saying “What the fuck?”

This is a little late.  Class, we are doing such a great job.  Let's keep up the good work.

OK, class, get to work.

It's time for our weekly homework assignment, godchildren.  I've been pleased with your response to these assignments.  This one may be a bit difficult to write in a comment.

OK, get to work.  If you don't want to write it in the comment section below but want to write your own post, make sure you tag me so I can grade your work.

Once again, class, you turned in some awesome work.  Extra credit goes out to the pupils who caught the spelling error.  I guess your teacher is fallible so I too will do the assignment.

RED CERAMIC CROSSES AND CLEAR PLASTIC CUPS!  The red ceramic cross will hold your flash drives and the clear plastic cup will hold your liquids.  Have you ever found yourself wishing you had something in which you could store your flash drives and be religious at the same time?  Have you ever found yourself wish that you could look at what you were drinking?  Well if you answered yes to those questions then you need RED CERAMIC CROSSES AND CLEAR PLASTIC CUPS; they hold your shit.

(That cross cost me all of 25 cents.  I found it and two others in the clearance section at the Dollar General.  One holds my flash drives, one holds my change, and the other holds some empty casings.)

Today I went to the local casino for lunch.  This has become a yearly tradition for my family because it saves on my mom and aunt cooking and my dad is there for his job.  I took some videos near the entrance of the escalator and indoor waterfall but my video camera is pretty crappy which is what I expected for $20.  The videos didn't turn out so I went back and found some photos I took two years ago when I went to the casino.

The casino in question is Ho-Chunk Casino named for the tribe of Ho-Chunk which used to be named Winnebago but apparently the term Winnebago means smelly water so the people didn't want to be known by that moniker.  I spent many nights at Ho-Chunk.  My dad worked there and when I worked in the tourist town I would hop aboard a shuttle bus to meet him so he could take me home.   Summers were great.  I'd work in the tourist town and go to the casino at night even though I was underage.  I walked around the casino floor and didn't have to provide ID because some of the guards knew me and they knew I wouldn't gamble but that I was there to meet my dad and drink free Coke products.  At age 18 I started playing the games, mostly slots because I didn't know any better.  But that summer they changed the age limit to 21 because they started serving alcohol so I couldn't play any more. 
Well time passed and I turned 21 and I fell in love with the casino all over again because they remodeled and had new games such as poker, roulette, off-track horse betting, and craps.  They also had a new hotel, sports bar and restaurant connected with the casino.  The Stand Rock Buffet is named after the famous Stand Rock that the Ho-Chunk used for ceremonial purposes and a place that has since turned into a tourist attraction that used to feature men jumping the chasm and then dogs.  The sports bar is named Wo Zha Wa which means "have fun" in the Ho-Chunk language.  The most beautiful part of the remodeling is the indoor rock formations and waterfall and symbols of the Ho-Chunk nation that the escalator goes through to lead you to the bar and buffet. 
The time I took these photos, I had to sneak in my camera because there are signs on the doors saying that cameras are not allowed.  Well this reminded me of a story. 
It reminded me of a time when I was meeting my dad and one of the tribe members was sitting in the entrance way and he would say to the people entering, "on sar e mac de wolla".  When the people heard that they would ask what he was saying.  He would reply that he was wishing them good luck in Ho-Chunk.  The people would then smile and go lose their money.  I said he was full of it and he pointed to the door.  He was simply reading, "no cameras allowed" as he saw it because it was backwards on the inside.  Anyway all that being said, here are the pictures.

This is the view standing near the bar.  Notice the escalator leading past the waterfall.

This is the pond on one side of the escalator.

This eagle carrying the fish is hanging from the ceiling and every so many minutes an eagle scream is emitted from speakers near this formation.  The fish will also wiggle from time to time.  It used to drop water when it wiggled but the water would land on the floor and was hazardous.

This is from the side opposite the bar and the buffet.  Notice how small the people are.  It didn't turn out in these photos because a flash is useless because of the height but where the spotlights are located there's a little island where a bear is standing.

The trees aren't real and I can't seem to find my photos of that mural on the wall.  It's somewhat lifesize.  The animals and figures in it are lifesized.  It depicts the four seasons in the life of the Ho-Chunk.

Here is some of the waterfall.

I tried to show the escalator as well as the facade of Wo Zha Wa.  You may have to enlarge to see any people in those photos.

These are some more of the eagle.  I couldn't get a good photo of it but in one of the trees there is a nest with some eggs in it.  Last night was the first night I ever noticed.

This is the waterfall at ground level.

The bear on the island.

I am standing a few feet away from the escalator and I couldn't fit the whole thing in my view.  The attractive ladies were quite appreciative that I took their photo.

Here are two views of the waterfall.  I took these photos from near the hotel check-in desk.  One is with flash and the other is without.

The entrance way to the escalators.

Well that was my Easter.  I threw a few craps and didn't win but I broke even playing roulette.  Then after that I had to go looking for fishing gear but the sporting goods store was closed.  I did find a new tackle box and a bunch of other things at a local chain store.  Tomorrow I head down to the UW for some bidness.  I hope my journey has similar results to my last visit but I doubt it will because the football team is having spring practice and they looked like shit on Saturday.  Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my shitty photography.

No...I didn't but I thought people might come here to see what solipsism is and be overwhelmed with glee when they discover it's CATURDAY!

If you celebrate it, I hope you have a wonderful Easter.

-EDIT- so not long after I posted this I tried to go to sleep because my church has a sunrise Easter service at 6AM.  Well those two little devils in the last photo prevented me from getting any sleep.  I guess it must have been because I slept in an unusual spot.  My back pain was acting up so the best way I relieve it is to sleep on my floor.  Well the cats find that to be their time to play or investigate to find out what the hell I'm doing.  I'm laying there with the lights out and with in five minutes I have Lua walking around me making her shrill tweeting sounds and Kiki crawling around the couch making her grunting noise.  I find some cat treats and think that would appease them but no.  They kept on investigating.  Lua crawls on me and walks the length of my body, up and down...up and down...up and down...up and down...up and down.  Finally she settled down on my hip and then started kneading her paws.  After about 15 minutes of kneading she curls up right on my hip bone.  I laid there with a cat on my hip for what seemed an eternity.  Soon she started heating me and then my hip throbbed and I'm in pain so I move a little and she growled at me.  I went to pick her up and she lets out this cry that was more of a "I'm going to slash your throat with a straight blade" cry instead of her usual "Oh gee why are you so mean" cry.  I shouldn't have moved her because the rest of the night she wouldn't leave me alone.  She crawled around the couch...yes, I sleep in front of my couch...she would flop down on the cushion and for some reason her silky smooth fur would make her slide down and land on my face.  I think the reason my cats have such silky fur is that after I finish showering they're in the shower rolling around before I can get out.  So after about the tenth time she slid down and landed on my face I decided to face the other direction.  That worked until I see Kiki scratching my speaker covers.  I yelled and that made her run to the kitchen and jump on top of my cabinets.  She was walking on top of the cabinets the rest of the night or so it seemed because I kept hearing her collar hitting bowls and beer mugs.  Then I hear a huge thud followed by two glass thuds.  Kiki jumped off the cabinets to the floor, about a 7 foot drop, and she brought down two beer mugs with her.  Thankfully they didn't break.  Those Germans sure know how to make a beer holder.  I lay back down my back pain is a little better.  I start counting sheep and I know sleep is imminent even though it's only going to be two hours.  MRWOW MRWOW MRWOW...if I ignore it she'll leave me alone and I can sleep MRWOW MRWOW MRWOW...oh crap what's she doing?  I think she's trying to crawl up on the pillows.  Yes, she's on the pillows.  Her whiskers are tickling.  Do I brush her off?  No, I'll just let her settle down so I can get about an hour and half of sleep.  Why the hell did she lay down on my face?  I can't breathe.  I ended up picking up Lua and put her down on the floor but she jumped back on my face.  I pick her up and put her on the floor again.  This time she jumps on me and walks the length of my body, up and down...up and down...up and down...then she settles on sleeping on my hip bone.  The next thing I know, it's 5 and I have to get up.  I'm sure the paper lady loved seeing me walk around my house in my tighty whities.  Then as I'm showering my cats stare at me.  It's very unsettling.  I think they are plotting something or maybe they are just atheists and are fraught with skepticism about me going to church and I should be staying at home to worship them.  I get to church and go sit in the balcony because I like sitting up there now because there's fewer distractions although this week I was distracted by the family with all the women who were wearing pajama jeans.  Seriously, they were wearing Walmart tuxedos to church.  I thought about doing live tweeting but figure I have enough reasons as is for getting sent to Hell so I shut my phone off.  Then after the service we had a breakfast in the basement and that was pretty much how I envision Hell.  That smell of hard boiled eggs permeating everything and old folks who don't give a damn passing gas whenever they feel like it and that sulfur smell burning your eyes.  I am now sitting at home.  I was going to take a nap but within seconds of getting in bed I had two cats jump on the bed and start whining.  Looks like I'm not getting any sleep until this evening.  Now comes the time for the traditional family Easter celebration when we go to the casino for lunch followed by some craps and roulette.