You know how America has been divided into Red States and Blue States?  I think Wisconsin will now be divided into Green Counties and Gold Counties.  The good thing is that no matter what the county, they still profess their love of the Green Bay Packers.

I’d love to thank all the people that take the time to explain my jokes to me.

I am so self-conscious about my body.  I just realized that my nipples are shaped like the Daytona Motor Speedway and just as big.

Girls, you want to marry a homeless man because you’ll never have to worry about him cheating on you with your neighbor’s wife.  And remember the difference between “like” and love is best defined as “hj” or “bj”.  Ladies, you should also consider entering law enforcement because I’ve heard a pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.  See, I say this because I am a sensitive man and care....hahaha, you believed me.

I think if God didn’t want us to drink, he wouldn’t have given us alcohol and would have revealed himself to us.  Also on that last day when I stand before him in judgment, I’m going to feel awful for making all those girls take his name in vain.

I’ve lived so long as a functioning schizophrenic because one of my personalities is a therapist.

I think my neighbors no longer enjoy seeing me naked.  They don’t bother calling the police when I decide to go out and “water” my lawn.  They also don’t know that the reason I pass out in their lawn is so that I can read their paper.  Hey, it’s a tough economy out there and I’m saving them money on gas for their lawnmower because all the spots where I’ve passed out have killed the grass.

That NCAA championship game made me miss the World Cup.

I saw my first ever 3D movie this weekend.  I paid a stripper to dance next to my TV while I watched Showgirls.  Now I understand why people love 3D movies.  Next week I’m going to watch Striptease.

Lately the only way I can get some is if I drink a can of Busch.

The most important reason why I’m excited for the return of the baseball season is that during the season it’s socially acceptable if you’re drunk at noon. And it also means that I root against the Yankees more than I root for my team.

Here's your weekly dose of motivation:

I haven’t had a door-to-door salesman stop by trying to sell me something since the last time I answered the door naked and eating a Twinkie.  Speaking of which, I also haven’t had any Mormon or Jehovah’s Witness missionaries stop by either.

A friend and I were debating about the quickest key to a woman’s heart.  He claimed it was romance but I said it was whis”key”….oh wait, that’s the quickest key to her panties.  And here comes the hate mail and loss of friends.

I find that people who type “LMAO” typically don’t have that great of a butt.  They probably lost it from all that laughing.

I wouldn’t get a woman’s name tattooed on my body if it ensured me of a lifetime supply of vagina but I would tattoo a beer name on me for a lifetime supply of beer.  How fucked up are my priorities?

I was fired from my job as a sous chef because the head chef asked me for some “fucking thyme” and well we should leave it at that because the trial is pending.

I am convinced the greatest technology mankind has ever made is the clock.  Indoor sundials are very inaccurate.

Whenever I see someone drinking Old Style beer I wonder if back in the olden days they drank piss because that’s what Old Style is.

So I will take this time to concede the campaign for alderman in Ward 4 to you Reverend E.  I was a little late for my write-in campaign, in fact the campaign started after I voted.  I only ran against you because I figured you could use the respite given that you are a pastor and that is a demanding job and as a pastor you are also one of the heads of your church body and then you also have a weekly radio program promoting the cross and then you are also the county chaplain for county employees and also help with domestic disputes and you also serve as a volunteer firefighter and you also are one of the chiefs of the fire department that sees you plan town celebrations and parades and monthly fish frys and then on top of all of that you are also a husband and a father.  I would think that alderman would be the least time consuming position.  I hope you can carry out the position properly.  WHY COULDN'T YOU LET ME PLAY PRETEND POLITICIAN?  (You think I kid, the guy who I "ran" against seriously holds all those positions)