In my last post, I talked about an incident in grade school involving a fight between two guys that I nicknamed Buckteeth and Nerd. All day I was bombarded by memories from that year of grade school. I went to a small Lutheran grade school in Wisconsin. My classroom was always a combined classroom other than in preschool and kindergarten. Those were separate but kindergarten only went to 11AM and preschool was once a week from 1PM to 3PM or something like that. So we had 1st and 2nd in one room, 3rd and 4th in another, 5th and 6th in another and 7th and 8th in the last.
You spent all those years with the same kids and you got to be pretty close with them. You also grew close the teachers because you would have them two years in a row and they would teach all the subjects. I really enjoyed that experience and am still friends with some of those classmates today although none of them read this blog nor will they ever unless I turn out to be some sort of famous person but I'm too old to be famous so I guess it's OK.
I just thought I'd talk about some of my memories. It may be long so if you don't want to read, just leave the eprops below and be on your merry way. I know when you don't leave eprops and it hurts my heart so if you don't read just write "eprops" in the comment box and then press "submit".
Yesterday, I introduced you to Buckteeth and Nerd. I didn't mind both of them. I guess I should take that back. I didn't mind them until after they discovered deodorant. Let me tell you, it was foul. For a while Buckteeth was called the Bucktoothed Bandit and we even had a comic strip devoted to his adventures fighting dentists and hygiene but it got old and he was replaced by the superhero known as Checkerman. This kid would run around school pretending he was Superman and he always wore red, black, and white plaid pants so the name stuck and he embraced it. He made himself a cape out of a pair of plaid pants and he would carry checkers in his pockets and throw them at people who were committing crimes. Checkerman was also an aspiring country musician. We had secret Santa at Christmas and one year he got the name of a girl he liked. He made a cassette tape of him singing "Achy Breaky Heart" and nothing but that song but of course he changed the lyrics to profess his undying love for the girl. 90 minutes of Checkerman singing "Achy Breaky Heart", the best Christmas present any girl could receive. She ended up giving it to the bus driver who played it over the bus's stereo. It was a huge hit. Sadly Checkerman never ended up marrying this girl and he turned his back on fighting crime only to commit crime. He is currently in prison for assaulting a police officer and abusing his girlfriend. The police were called to a domestic dispute at Checkerman's house and Checkerman defecated in front of the police officer and hurled it at him and then he urinated on the officer. When other police were called in to subdue Checkerman, he bit an officer and the cop had to get a few dozen stitches.
Back to Buckteeth. He was an interesting kid. His dad ran a liquidator store. If you don't know what these are then you have never lived. These stores go around to other businesses that have went out of business and then sell the good at a discounted rate. Buckteeth's dad also sold adult videos. There was a room off the side of the store and it was filled floor to ceiling with porn. Buckteeth regularly "borrowed" videos and handed them out to kids. His dad finally wised up and moved all the actual movies to under the counter and left the cases in the room. Buckteeth also married a girl in the 2nd grade when he was in 1st. Off course it was a playground wedding so I guess it didn't count although the rest of the years of school whenever Buckteeth or his playground wife, the Weeping Patriot, expressed interest in someone we would ask if they were divorced yet. I call her the Weeping Patriot because she had a patriotic name and one time she was interviewed by a local news channel and she cried on TV. There were these guys who went AWOL from the Army and stole a car in Madison. The police caught up with them in this particular sleepy town and they were chasing them all over the place. Finally the police set up a roadblock on a country road which happened to be right behind the Weeping Patriot's house. The soldiers hopped out of their car and started firing at the police. My DARE officer was wounded. The Weeping Patriot's father grabbed his rifle and started shooting at the suspects from his back porch. Both soldiers died and the news vehicles came to town. One reporter interviewed the Weeping Patriot who gave the memorable line, "I told my daddy not to shoot but he started shooting. I think he killed them." Buckteeth had an interesting habit of whenever I saw him during high school he would make announcements that were pretty bad. We went to different high schools so I got to see my old friends once or twice a month. I would be out and run into Buckteeth and he'd say, "Hey, guess what? My girlfriend isn't a virgin anymore." Buckteeth is now married and has three kids. I want to ask if his wife is still a virgin.
Nerd was interesting. I mentioned the whipped cream incident. He also procured the name Slick because he would slick back his hair but it didn't always work because he was a curly redhead and by the time recess came along it was all curly but back. It sort of looked like the Bride of Frankenstein. Nerd and I rode the same bus. We also had weird conversations. "Hey, Matt, did you know the human head remains alive for minutes after it's beheaded?" "Hey, Matt, I like Ivanhoe." "Hey, Matt, fortune cookies aren't Chinese." "Hey, Matt, last night I got my sister to touch my dick." Then the worst part was when we got to school, he'd say all those same things to Girl. Yes, Girl. In my class of 9 there was only 1 girl. OK, he never told her that last one but he told me that and was rather proud. I know I've told a story about me, Nerd, and Girl before but it needs repeating. Nerd was head over heels in love with this girl but it was unrequited. Girl hated Nerd but Nerd never got the hint. "Hey, Girl, guess what?" "Hey, Girl, guess what?" "Hey, Girl, guess what?" ALL THE TIME! One day at milk break (we were in Wisconsin so we had a mandatory milk break. I also think it was mandatory that the milk was consumed) I was enjoying my chocolate milk and noticed that Nerd was bent over and his ass crack was exposed. I looked over at Girl and said all chipper like Nerd, "Hey, Girl, guess what?" She looked at me and rolled her eyes and said, "God, I hate Nerd." I then motioned with my head toward Nerd and his exposed ass crack. I held my carton of milk over and acted like I was going to pour. Girl, stood up, came over to me and whispered in my ear, "I will suck your dick if you do it." I sat there dumbfounded because I was going out with Girl's friend, Fluffy. I call her Fluffy because that's what she was. The best part of dating her was holding her close to me. We started "going out" in 5th grade and it kept on through my sophomore year. It was difficult that year of 8th grade because Fluffy was a year older than me. My friends always joked that they wouldn't let me near their moms because I liked older women. Anyway, Girl, offers me the BJ and I'm speechless and Nerd turns around and looks at me. I guess I was pale because of shock. "Hey, Matt, are you OK?" "Nerd, turn around and go back to work." "OK, Matt, I'm working on an art project for an art fair. It's depicting President Bush crashing his plane in World War II and a guy from Wisconsin rescuing him." "Really, that's cool. Why don't you work on it some more?" Nerd smiled and went to work. His ass crack was exposed so I dropped a few drops of milk into his pants. He didn't notice. Then I dropped a few more. Soon the back of his pants were brown but he didn't notice. I looked at Girl and she smiled and told me that any time I was ready so was she. I never took her up on that offer because we were friends and I was faithful to Fluffy although in a few years Fluffy wouldn't be faithful to me. Maybe it was some sort of test. Girl and I had a nice bond. I let her read my joke book. You know my motivation posts? I was doing stuff like that in grade school. I wrote about my life and experiences. Girl always encouraged me to write and so I did. The one story I included that got her in trouble because she laughed was about the time in 8th grade I took Fluffy out in my dad's Cadillac. How can an 8th grader drive? I had a farm license because I worked on my uncle's farm and I was able to drive between the house and farm but it was never enforced. I ended up just taking Fluffy to the boat landing and we made out in the backseat. The joke I made was how I explained to my dad that the stains were from a vanilla milkshake that I spilled. The Excited Southerner didn't like Girl's laughter. I recently saw Girl and we were reminiscing about the school days and I mentioned that and she laughed and said she remembered and was willing but her husband wouldn't like it. Then she punched me in the shoulder.
We called him the Excited Southerner because he had a very deep Southern accent even though he spent the majority of his life up to that point in Minnesota and Wisconsin. He called Nebraska home. One of the funniest moments in my class was during geography class and we were studying South America. Excited Southerner was throwing out questions and we'd answer. The final question he asked wasn't in the book but it was something he told us the previous day from an article he got from a magazine. "What is Brazil's main export?" No one had a clue. "WHAT IS BRAZIL'S MAIN EXPORT?" "Come on come on come on...what is Brazil's main export?" No one knew or remembered. He threw his arms up in the air and said in his deep southern accent "PENIS! The main export of Brazil is penis." We all looked at each other in disbelief. I raised my hand, "Mr. Excited Southerner, what was Brazil's main export?" "Penis." "What?" "Are you a lightbulb or hard of hearing? It's penis." Later on he finally got what we were getting at and said slowly...pea-nuts. Apparently when he got excited he spoke faster in his southern accent and didn't pronounce the hard "t".
Let's see, there was also Jock who was just that. He played all the sports. In 8th grade he was probably 6'2" 250lbs. I didn't mind him except when he punched me but then he punched everyone. Jock was the prototype for bullies. He had a rough life. His dad died when he was an infant. His dad was a firefighter and died fighting a house fire. His mom was like the mom in What's Eating Gilbert Grape. He pretty much raised himself. The girls in class always had a love/hate relationship with Jock because he was pretty good looking but he was rather crude and mean. While Pastor 3rd Person listened to us recite Bible verses and portions of the Catechism, Jock would go around asking girls how many fingers they used. Choke Me got mad at him and would run out of the room crying. I call her Choke Me because in the 7th grade she discovered the joys of being joked and would wear chokers all the time. Choke Me was in 7th grade and was dating a guy in his early 20s but then she could pass for 21 as a 13 year old. I ran into Jock a year or so ago when he was out with his wife. He hadn't changed one bit but this time he didn't punch me. No one knows what happened to Choke Me. Some speculate that during college she dropped out to work at an S&M club and do BDSM porn.
We also had a kid we called Ninja. He had been taking karate for years and actually came to school a few times dressed in his karate uniform. It was rather amusing because if he got impatient with something he would start in doing his karate poses. He also was a poor student. Excited Southerner had to give him special assignments. Ninja basically only had two or three classes with the rest of us although he was always in the same class. Would would have weekly spelling tests and the Excited Southerner would give each class their spelling word with a sentence. "OK, 7th grade your word is 'inappropriate Girl, the dress you are wearing is inappropriate.' 8th grade, your word is 'subjugate Lutherans need to subjugate Catholics'. Ninja your word is 'truck Ninja, get in the truck." It got pretty bad because sometimes the Excited Southerner would laugh at the easiness of the words and yet Ninja still misspelled them. The last I heard Ninja was still practicing karate in a trailer park.
We also had a kid called Celebrity. He was very vain and would sit in class with a mirror and brush making sure his hair was just so. He also loved all the current music and movies. His two favorite bands were Ace of Base and Guns N Roses. Well Guns N Roses broke up that year and we tormented Celebrity. "Hey, Celebrity did you know that...NO MORE GUNS N ROSES NO MORE GUNS N ROSES NO MORE GUNS N ROSES!" We did that all the time and one day Celebrity got so pissed that he slapped my friend The Hulk and then went out of the room to cry in the bathroom and then he came back to brush his hair. We also had fun with Celebrity in high school especially the time I destroyed the lamp shade in his room when I pretended to be Nirvana and I lifted his guitar above my head and forgot to look for the light. He was valedictorian of his high school and featured in that who's who of students book. There was a cute girl in the book next to him and she happened to be from Luck, WI. I suggested he go there because he might get lucky. Celebrity got pissed and stormed out of his house. I guess he didn't like the notion of dating girls because now he is openly gay. Maybe that was his way of coming out or maybe it was the obscene amount of anal porn he kept in his room.
My two best friends in that class were the Hulk and the African Dream. Now, a while back I wrote about the African Dream and people called me a racist because I labeled him "African". His dad was a missionary and the African Dream was born in Mali which is in African so I guess you could say he's African American. We had so much fun. He introduced me to the first person shooter. We also had slam dunk contests at his house on his adjustable hoop. His younger brother Puke always was mad because he never won. Puke got the nickname because of the obvious. One day at recess he was running down this hill and ran into the brick facade of the school. It knocked Puke silly but the teacher never sent him home or called his parents. That day at lunch Puke wasn't hungry and he was still shaken up from running into the wall. He was sitting there with his head on the lunch table. My class was standing in line and we saw it happen. Puke was resting his head on the table and then he sits up as straight as straight can be. His eyes bugged out and his cheeks puffed up. Then he erupted vomit all over the table. Everyone was screaming. It was so nasty. The African Dream denied they shared DNA. I've lost touch with him because he's married and has two children. He has a pretty wife and pretty daughters. I felt honored to be in his wedding. We called The Hulk "The Hulk" for two reasons. One was he was a huge professional wrestling fan and loved Hulk Hogan but back in those days everyone loved Hogan. We would bring our toy wrestlers to school and have matches. The second reason the Hulk got his nickname was that he was a fan of The Hulk TV show and this fandom earned him the nickname because he went into a Hulk-like rage although he didn't turn green nor did his clothes fall off. We were at the swimming pool and this one kid, for the life of me I can't remember who, pushed the Hulk and the Hulk slipped and fell. He landed face down and came up dripping blood. The Hulk put his hand to his nose and then inspected it. He saw the blood and then wiped it off his face and onto the wall of the poolhouse. Then the Hulk started screaming and flexing. He beat the living hell out of that kid. It took four of us to pull the Hulk off him. Then about 5 minutes later the Hulk was calm. Almost all of my shenanigans throughout grade school and high school involved the Hulk. Some of the best times during high school were spent in his car, can't remember the make but the model was a GL which he said stood for "Get Laid". We sort of lost touch when I went off to college but we worked in the same tourist town and those three months always saw us getting into trouble such as having the neighbors call the police on us for causing a disturbance at 3AM. We were shooting off fireworks. It was a clear night everywhere except my parents' house. We had lit so many fireworks that there was a thick cloud of smoke on our lot. The cop had to turn on his side light to find us in the smoke. The Hulk and I always wanted to write a teen sex comedy based on our experiences in grade school. Life got in the way but I am always hopeful that I will get around to it. The Hulk is now married and I was the best man in The Hulk's wedding. That was such a memorable wedding and I'm so happy he found love. His wife is just a perfect match for him.
And people say I don't get personal, how's that for personal?
TL:DR...I give friends weird nicknames for certain things they do, leave eprops.
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