I went shoe shopping this evening.  How awesome is that?  It's so difficult for me to find shoes so I had to go down to a store by Madison to shop.  I found this pretty swank pair of ADIDAS that I thought would be the perfect shoe for church.  They were all red high tops.  I tried them on and realized they were too small and of course they were in the bargain area so it was unlikely they would have a larger size.  That was already a large size pair...a 16.  I was looking through some other pairs and found New Balance but nothing in my size.  They were mostly 18s and 19s...the sizes most people don't buy.  I did find a walking shoe in a 16 EEEE.  That fit so I bought it.  I also bought myself a new pair of all black New Balance high tops.  16 EEEE.  My shoe size has went up in the last couple of years.  I'd hate to see what I'd be wearing in a Nike, probably an 18 or 19.  Oh and I also got myself a nice Madison Mallards hat.  I almost have more hats from Northwoods League teams than from MLB teams.  Time for the round-up

Wendy Williams posted this lovely photo on her Twitter this week before she was eliminated from Dancing with the Stars.  Ugh...gross...that blister...but I guess this means that everything on Wendy is round and plump.

Tina Fey announced that she is 5 months pregnant.  She announced this on Oprah this week.  I wish Oprah would have played up to how she was portrayed on 30 Rock.  "LIZ LEMON IS HAVING A BABY AND SO ARE YOU AND YOU AND YOU...A BABY!"  Honestly, I thought she was already Tracy Morgan's mother.  How much do you want to bet she gives her child a name after a comedian?

Snooki was recently paid $32,000 for an appearance and this appearance was unlike any she's ever done.  She went to Rutgers University to discuss the Jersey Shore lifestyle.  Oh and Rutgers booked the Nobel Prize winner, Toni Morrisson, for the May commencement and will pay her $30,000.  You know this is fitting since the highest paid state employee in New Jersey is the Rutgers football coach.  If they invite Snooki to campus and pay her 32 grand, they should double that money amount in condoms that are given to students.  What better way to battle the reputation that Rutgers is a campus crawling with VD than to invite Snooki to talk about her lifestyle?  Imus was right when he said Rutgers attracts nappy-headed hoes.  Hopefully Snooki uses that money to get her tubes tied.  Oh well, she's not that bad because I'll actually sing her praises later in this post.  If I wanted to hear an idiot babble, I'd watch whoever's speaking on CSPAN.

Jersey Shore will never die.  This week MTV announced that they are developing two Jersey Shore spin-offs.  Pauly D will be given a show that will follow him as he works in the music industry.  JWoww and Snooki will also have a show that follows them as they struggle with their love lives.  All we can do is lure them to Italy to view the Leaning Tower of Pisa and have the real Italians push it over to crush them.  It's a small price to pay for STD eradication and the end of Jersey Shore.

Selma Blair took time out of her busy schedule to pose with Sarah Jessica Parker.  Awww...pregnant lady in a staged photo with a horse...oh well....awwww

A while back I made mention of how the Farrelly brothers were going to bring The Three Stooges back to film and that they cast Benecio del Toro as Moe, Sean Penn as Larry, and Jim Carrey as Curly.  Well those plans fell through and now Sean Penn is slapping Scarlet Johannson's boobs and Jim Carrey is doing the Curly shuffle while tripping on the proverbial LSD that is his website.  Well the Farrelly brothers have announced they are going to do the movie but with a new cast.  So far they have cast Sean Hayes from Will & Grace as Larry.  They also cast former MAD TV actor Will Sasso as Curly.  Maybe they could get Lady Gaga to play Moe to keep with the random casting.  Or maybe they could get me.  I thought Sean Hayes was doing theater in one act plays at the Al Ringling Theater in Baraboo, WI.  And the last I saw of Will Sasso, he was on a TV show based on a Twitter account.  God, I would given anything to see Sean Penn get slapped around.

I have been writing the last few weeks about the heterophobe Ryan Murphy.  He's the heterophobe who slammed the bands Kings of Leon, Foo Fighters, and Guns N Roses for not letting him bastardize their music on the shit TV that is Glee.  Well this week, in an act of desperation because he knows the show is sinking, he apologized.  He said that he was in the wrong and that it is the artist's choice to license their music but he still thinks it would be cool to have kids introduced to the parent's music through Glee.  That would be the opposite for me.  My parents would be introduced to my music if they watched that crappy show.  Even though he and Perez called members of Kings of Leon homophobes for not letting them use their music, Murphy said that there's nothing diabolical about them.  He also said that when he said "fuck you" to the Kings of Leon, that's not what he meant to say.  He meant to say that artists have the choice but he was disappointed.  Sure it is, heterophobe.  Members from the Kings of Leon did the Christian thing and forgave him.  So everything is copacetic and Ryan Murphy realized that he got owned by Dave Grohl.  This doesn't mean I'm going to watch Glee.  Dear god, no, I hate that shit.  I tried to watch it and just couldn't.  Let this be a lesson to all aspiring TV show creators, don't wait 3 months to pass before you issue a half-assed apology.

This is Ryan Kwanten.  He's the halfwit on True Blood.  This week he saved a man's life.  He was out driving and saw a man lying in the middle of the road and covered in blood so he pulled over and made sure no vampires would try to suck up the blood and called the paramedics.  Ryan stayed with the man until the ambulance arrived.  Whatever.  I saw a lady in a wheelchair roll off the curb and I pretended really hard that I saved her.  Where's my medal or women drooling over me?  I have that muscle development and that vee thing but it's just covered by my beer belly.

Speaking of beer bellies...Russell Crowe turned 47 this week and it looks like he's very happy to be celebrating or maybe it's just cold.

Paris Hilton's mom recently said that Paris is the original reality star and that Kim Kardashian once worked for Paris.  Yeah, work it Kim!  Well she's partly correct.  Paris was the original attention whore.  Remember COPS and the Real World were out a long time before Paris hit the scene.  About the only thing you can say Paris inspired was nightvision sex videos and condom use for fear of STDs.

Hey, Orlando Bloom, cool it there, buddy.  You're riding a bike in the streets Pasadena not Iraq.  I don't even think they wore that much gear in The Hurt Locker. 

It was inevitable.  A company in the UK released a sex doll parody of Miley Cyrus and within 48 hours it was sold out.  Miley is upset and there is a lawsuit pending.  She shouldn't be upset.  It's not like they got someone ugly for the box.  I'd rather bang the cardboard box instead of Miley.  In totally related news, Billy Ray Cyrus now has all his Christmas shopping completed.  ACHY LOVE HOLES!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Miley Cyrus is back on Twitter.  LIAR!  She said she was finished with Twitter for good.  LIAR!  She said she came back for two reasons.  One being her fans and the other so that she can follow Charlie Sheen.  GOD!  That is just what this world needs...Miley Cyrus hooked up with Charlie Sheen.  The media would implode if that happened.  News anchors would have strokes on live TV.  She has only been back about a week and she's already posted her constipated trying to drop the kids off at the pool pose or as some people call it the pucker or as it more accurately looks...a duckface.  She's also told us via Twitter that Charlie Sheen has inspired her to be more open with her life.  #NotWinning

This photo of Mickey Rourke is for one of my favorite Xangans.  I hope this photo will lure the specific Xangan out of hiding.  Here we see Mickey wearing some spandex.  And you thought you'd seen the last of Mickey in these posts.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!  That was my evil supervillain laugh.

I don't know why but this is so hot.  Mariah Carey posed for this cover of Life and Style.  Damn.  I have a feeling that more pregnant women are going to do poses like this.  Hint hint hint.  I wonder if Sears will let women pose nude.  Mariah said that during the photo shoot her daughter or at least the baby she thinks is her daughter was kicking the entire time and Mariah thinks this means she'll be a diva.  I'm just glad that the fathers don't pose proudly displaying their working junk.  I sometimes dislike seeing all the baby photos on Facebook because it's just one child.  I once posted a photo of a me in a shirt that evidence that I could be the father of a few million children but I took it down when I realized I didn't want people to know I have knuckle children.

A movie about the life of Charles Manson and the murder of Sharon Tate is in the works and Lindsay Lohan has been given the role of Sharon Tate.  Hasn't she suffered enough?  I almost feel sorry for Roman Polanski because of the choice to play his former love.  Sharon Tate was beautiful and Lindsay Lohan is a coked-out whore.

Leann Rimes performed the National Anthem at the NCAA men's basketball championship this week in Houston, TX.  I guess not everything is bigger in Texas.  And of course people saw her and immediately took to Twitter and said she was anorexic.  And of course, Leann has fired back on Twitter with this: 

Yes, Leann Rimes posted this photo in defense of her claims that she's not anorexic.  She also has combated her concerned fans by saying that she likes to eat cookies and pizza.  She also likes to devour men's hearts and shit them out by cheating on her husband.  Reading her Twitter feed is pretty sickening because the woman doth protest too much.  I can't really tell if she is anorexic from this photo.  I'm more distracted by that belly button.  Is that a third eye?  I don't know why she is so defensive on Twitter.  Just post #fuckoff when someone questions your weight.  She needs to realize that every time she goes on Twitter and fires off a text she burns 500 calories.  I'm not a scientist or anything so do come back and say you didn't lose any weight when you tweet.

You know how you can tell Kim Kardashian comes from old money?  That bag she's carrying after her workout at the gym is a $15,000 Birkin bag.  Damn...she's so wasteful, Kim should consider entering politics.

It was revealed this week that in order to combat boredom, Ke$ha has taken up painting and not painting with a brush but painting with her naked body.  She covers herself in paint and then rolls around on a canvas.  That seems pretty mundane for a modern day pop star.  She needs to up the ante.  Maybe she should be painting with menstrual blood and semen because Lady Gaga's perfume is scented like blood and semen.  Lady Gaga wore a dress made of meat so Ke$ha should wear a dress made of aborted fetuses.  So many pop stars have sex tapes, well Ke$ha should go a step further and release a snuff film.  YES!

Katie Couric is probably leaving CBS when her contract expires although she has been in negotiations with the network.  She's also been negotiating with CNN for her own show.  I have a feeling that Katie will go to CNN and replace that boring British guy who replaced Larry King.  God that show sucks.  And then, Matt Lauer, who said he's finished with the Today Show at the end of his contract this year and won't return for anything less than $25million a year will replace Katie on CBS.  God...did anyone else just throw up in their mouths?  I did.

JEEZ!  Kathy Griffin please use some sunscreen.  My retinas are burning.  At least they aren't nude shots.  What?  There's nude photos?  Check for yourself...I'm not posting Kathy Griffin nude photos here.

This photo of Kate Hudson was taken this week.  Kate is a few months pregnant.  She was spotted out on the town with her boyfriend Matt Bellamy who is the frontman of the Radiohead tribute band Muse.  She's still drinking...A LOT.  There are many studies that say that drinking in moderation isn't harmful but why push it.  I don't think it's safe to drink that much but then I'm not a doctor.  We all know drinking alcohol causes babies to be made but then she's already pregnant so I guess it's a wash.

Kate Gosslein is being sued by her former marriage counselor for unpaid sessions in the amount of $10,000.  In Kate's defense, the marriage counselor didn't work because she ended up getting divorced.  If Kate needs to raise money she should just exploit her children some more or auction off Jon's balls which she keeps in a jar over her fireplace.  I'm sure there's some sort of celebrity memorabilia collector out there that would be interested.

A while back, I read the Hunger Games trilogy.  It was a very entertaining series.  I first heard about the book in my ESPN Magazine when they were talking about upcoming sports films.  Yes, ESPN considered The Hunger Games to be a sport.  God, look out for their future programming.  Anyway this week some of the cast for the movie had been revealed.  Starting from left...Jennifer Lawrence will play Katniss Everdeen.  Lawrence is 20 and has been nominated for an Oscar for her work in Winter's Bone.  Josh Hutcherson will be playing Peeta Mellark.  Hutcherson has been in Firehouse Dog, RV, Bridge to Teribithia, and The Kids are Alright.  He's also in the upcoming remake of Red Dawn.  Liam Hemsworth probably best known for banging Miley Cyrus and starring in The Last Song will play Gale Hawthorne.  The movie will be directed by Gary Ross who has given us Pleasantville and Seabiscuit.  He also is directing a film adaptation of The Phantom Tollbooth, another movie which gives me an anticipation boner.  The Hunger Games will release in March of 2012...thank god it's releasing before the world ends.

Hugh Hefner is not making his fiance Crystal Harris sign a pre-nup before they get married in 10 weeks.  Hef is worth $43million and is 84 years old.  Crystal is 24 and now worth $43million.  I think the first sign Hef should have had her sign the pre-nup is that he has clothes older than her.  Golddiggers all over the world rejoiced.  Oh who cares, Hef is just happy with silk pajamas, Viagra, Werther's Originals, and barely legal breasts.  If she divorces him in a year, it's not like he'll remember it.  He's 84. 

Courtney Cox and David Arquette reunited their marriage in the happiest place on earth, Disney World.  Here they are with their daughter Coco.  I think we should sue Disney World for false advertising.  It's not the happiest place on earth.  How could it be when they charge $30 for jelly beans and they don't sell good booze?

Hey, Ashley Judd, you have a little something on your face.  Yeah, why don't you go powder your nose some more.  Maybe she's just bringing back the slapstick bakery comedy like on I Love Lucy.  Here I'm a fool and think she f'ed up her coke.

Amanda Bynes turned 25 this week.  God, I remember when she was on that show and all covered in slime.  You know, someone just wants to photoshop this photo.

Alec Baldwin said he is finished with 30 Rock when his contract expires after the 2012 season.  He also said that he hopes the show ends when he leaves but then a little while later in an article he wrote for Huffington Post he said he hopes the show goes on and could see potential storylines like Kenneth running the network, Jenna getting a talkshow, Tracy becoming mayor of New York and then resign to raise exotic reptiles, and Liz Lemon will do just about anything.  Then he ended the article with "Here's to five more seasons."  It sounds like someone gave Alec a talking to.  Also if I'm an NBC exec and because we are last in ratings, I take all of those examples he gave and start making the spin-offs.  There's only so much Biggest Loser we are able to tolerate.

Adrianne Curry is in Hawaii for a friend's wedding and in true Adrianne Curry she had to take to Twitter to show that she must be the center of attention.  Thank you, Twitter.  This looks like a familiar pose but I think Adrianne won this round.  Adrianne's slideshow will be much more interesting than my aunt's slideshow of the Grand Canyon.  No matter how hard you try, you just can't fap to the Grand Canyon.

Coco posted this photo on her Twitter this week.  Thank you, Twitter.  Coco has given us Thong Thursday.  She posted this photo on Tuesday which she now calls Titty Tuesday.  Thank you, Twitter.  I'm trying to figure out if that is an actual shirt that's just really tight or if it's spray paint.  My money is on boobs and either way WE ALL WIN!  #Winning.

Amy Winehouse, who hasn't been here in a LONG time, recently told friends that she's getting healthy so that she can have a baby with her boyfriend.  I don't think the Fukushima 50 would bang her without a condom.  Well, I don't care and I say, "Mazel Tov!"  The only downside to Amy having a baby would be that after she breastfeeds her child, the baby will need to go to rehab because one thing I learned this week is that milk stays tainted after exposure.

Charlie Sheen's tour launched this week.  The Torpedo of Truth Tour looked more like it would be a torpedo to the bottom of the ocean.  Entertainment Weekly was on-hand for his first show in Detroit and they say the show sucked before Charlie even took the stage.  The opening comedian was booed off the stage and Charlie had to come out to tell the people to give the guy a chance but they didn't so he left.  They said the show was a mess of random movie clips and Charlie repeating his catch-phrases over and over again although the kissing goddesses looks like it would be interesting but then that is pretty much their job.  EW posted a timeline of the show and here is a sample:
9:20 — People start booing Sheen. Not playing around, but actually booing him. Sheen yells, “I already got your money, dude!”

9:23 — We are watching video of Charlie Sheen playing Call of Duty.

9:35 — The show has become a padded and disjointed mess. Sheen plays an old short film he made called RPG starring a young Johnny Depp but the audience gets frustrated and starts booing. Sheen stops the video and says, “Okay, so RPG was a bomb. Tonight is an experiment.” One is reminded of Torpedo of Truth’s subtitle on the marquee outside: “Defeat is not an option.”

9:40 — Sheen says he’s going to “Tell some stories about crack. I figured Detroit was a good place to tell some crack stories.” This comment, not surprisingly, does not go over well. “Show of hands who here has tried crack?” Very few people raise their hand. “I don’t do crack anymore, but this is a good f—ing night to do some crack.” The audience boos.

9:43 — Sheen tells the audience, “You paid your hard-earned money without knowing what this show was about.” He asks if people have any questions. A girl from the audience asks for his best pornstar story. Sheen doesn’t want to tell that one. He’s starts telling a story about getting his car stolen — he says the story involves crack — but nobody wants to hear it. Another woman asks for a hug. He gives it to her and that’s nice — pretty much the whole audience could use one at this point.

9:50 — The show appears to be almost over. More padding, rap tributes to Sheen from YouTube. He plays a video that intercuts his 20/20 interview with new footage of him being obnoxious to Andrea Canning. It’s amusing at first, but drags on too long.

10:03 — The show is now an unmitigated disaster. There’s a fairly steady stream of people leaving early. Attendee Chris Acchione, a self-described Sheen fan who traveled all the way from Toronto for the show, says his entire mezzanine row walked out. “He’s making a fool of himself,” he says. “Is there a bigger loser in the world? He’ll be [begging] Chuck Lorre for his job back by the end of the week.”

So what's the opposite of winning?  Tickets were anywhere from $80 to $600.  If you considered buying tickets for this event you should have asked yourself, "Can I see this at a Denny's after the bars close?"  If you said "yes" go to Denny's because the Moons over My-Hammy is delicious and if no one yells out random shit, you can start your acting career.  Also if you paid money for this, you were basically paying money to see the Budweiser guys say "Wassup" over and over again or the eTrade baby do stand-up or the AFLAC duck make fun of Japan.  The show ended for Charlie Sheen once he got your money.  THEY SHOWED VIDEOS OF HIM PLAYING CALL OF DUTY!  What did you expect?  Who would have thought that a drug addict couldn't pull off a live show that he only had two weeks to prepare for?  Next, you'll tell me there's no Santa Claus or Easter Bunny.  Who ate the cookies and shit all over the carpet?  Apparently it was just opening night jitters because the next night in Chicago, Charlie was given a standing ovation but that's because he got rid of the opening comedian, Simon Rex rapping to a song by Snoop Dogg about Charlie, and did 90 minutes of Q&A with the audience.  During the Chicago show Sheen gave us this new catchphrase: "Is it me or is it like a Cambodian outhouse in a heat wave up here?"  He also said that the he discovered crack and the internet on the same night and said Al Gore invented both.  And to prove he's a great human being, he started talking about his ex-wife Denise Richards and got the audience to chant "Fuck that bitch!"  So when Charlie's in court for his next custody battle, the defense attorney will point at Charlie Sheen and say, "Here's my evidence.  Case closed."  I was going to do a special post with videos of the show but those have all been taken off youtube.

After I posted my 17 Years Ago post, I found this photo.  It's absolutely fabulous.  Dave Grohl's smile says it all.

This is by far the greatest news this week.  Grain Belt is now in a new 16oz can and it's argyle.  You can't really tell with the reflection but that's argyle.  I am so thirsty.

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Remember when I said I'd sing praises for Snooki?  Well here it is.  She didn't embarrass herself at Wrestlemania and her wrestling moves shocked me but I'm not a Snooki mark.

It was only a matter of time, Kirstie Alley fell on Dancing with the Stars.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.