I showered, shaved, trimmed, and lotioned. Now I’m exhausted. How do porn stars do it? Yes, I wanted to be a porn star but didn’t think I could whack it. I wouldn’t be hired, there’s some stiff competition out there.
I’ve found that hotel lobbies on Sunday mornings smell like regret.
I’m 100% positive we could be more negative about Xanga.
Nothing says “I have no friends” like a 13 year old girl playing hangman with herself on the sidewalk in front of the library.
If I did spring cleaning of my brain, it’d take me until winter to get it clean.
Whenever I drive by a bar I’m flooded with memories that I forgot because of drinking.
I’m old and the proof is I make a rotary phone motion when I tell someone to call me.
I once accidentally drank some body lotion and it made me throw up. Why would anyone want to put it on their skin?
Facebook had a huge profit for 2010. It’s probably because of all the sales of fake farmland.
I think I’ve watched enough CSI and Dexter to know how to get away with murder. Maybe I shouldn't be saying that. Oh I am nowhere near Long Island.
Do prostitutes take part in “Take Your Daughter to Work Day”?
I may not have thousands of friends on Xanga or hundreds of commenters but I’m thankful for those I have because you put up with all my shit.
Now for your weekly dose of motivation:
In my recent driver’s license photo I’m crying because this way the police will believe me when I say I’m speeding to get home to make self-deprecating jokes on the internet.
I’m on a new diet where I don’t take my leftover pizza crust and dip it in marinara sauce. Now I just eat it.
Next time you go to a hardware store, ask where the hoes are at. Act disappointed when they take you to the lawncare center.
Lately, when I’m faced with a big decision, I ask myself “What would Charlie Sheen do?” I always do the opposite.
I like my chicken like I like my women: big breasts, meaty thighs, and covered in BBQ sauce. I also think women are like the lottery because when they give me the right 7 digits, I think I’ve hit the jackpot.
I drink too much 25% of the time I drink but I lie about how much I drink 75% percent of the time.
When I see a sign that says “No Soliciting” I automatically assume there are prostitutes in the area. The last time I had a hooker approach me she said she’d do anything I wanted for $40. I put her to work weeding my garden and raking my lawn.
I recently had to work with the Geek Squad and they asked if I had virus protection. I told them I had a year old box of condoms in my dresser drawer.
Girls, remember when your parents told you not to spit because it’s not ladylike? It still applies.
Were manila envelopes invented in the Philippines?
I may be having surgery so my doctor insisted I shave my pubes. Why do you need to shave there for knee surgery?
If I had a nickel for every time I said, “if I had a nickel,” then I’d have 10 cents for this post.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” -Me talking about my exgirlfriend with some other dude who will be saying that same thing in a couple of weeks.
Remember when teachers, public employees, planned parenthood, and PBS crashed the stock market, wiped out half of our 401Ks, took trillions in TARP money, spilled oil in the Gulf of Mexico, gave themselves billions in bonuses, and paid no taxes? Yeah, me either.
Sadly, on the bingo card of life I’m the free space because I am always left unclaimed.
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