There seems to be four formulas for writing blogs on Xanga. One formula is to present a situation or story and then to ask a question of the readers. Another formula is the rant. Some people are quite excellent with the rant and this is all they blog. Another formula is the artistic post. People write stories, poems, post music or post artwork that that they have painted. The final formula is the advice column.
The first formula isn't quite my style. My professors in college, doctors of education, said it was great to ask children questions and let them find the answer for themselves but you need to provide guidance and not just stand back and let all hell break loose. Rants are great and I have tried them but usually I rant when my blood pressure is high or I have had about enough of idiocracy in my life. Art isn't my thing. I struggle with creating anything that might be called artistic. I think writing or comedy is my art and that has been called into question.
So that leaves me with the advice column. It's simple, just like me. I am going to attempt an advice column however I cannot do this alone. I scoured the internet looking for a writing partner but my quest turned up nada. I was sitting in my living room when the perfect candidate popped up. I hope my co-author will rise to the occasion and give you much pleasure.
Ladies and gentlemen, friends and fellow Xangans, I now expose my co-author of this advice column:
Cocky McCockburns
Rooster Booster is an energy drink that is chock full of Vitamin C, B6, B12, and Niacin. Add that to caffeine and taurine, it will boost you into high gear! CHUG THE ROOSTER! Available at Super America or check your local convenience store for the greatest energy drink to be discovered by a chicken farmer in Iowa.
Me: We started writing these two years ago and I see so many people make the "cock" joke.
Cocky: OH and I suppose you're going to take credit for it? Sort of like the person on Xanga who took credit for inventing the interview?
Me: No, but I've grown tired of not getting on the front page.
Cocky: Oh God, Xanga envy.
Me: No it's just that you see posts that get there where the person put absolutely no effort into the post but for some reason it makes it to the top.
Cocky: Maybe you need to quit being a little bitch, grow a pair of balls, and kiss some ass by making friends.
Me: But that would sell out my ideals.
Cocky: This coming from a guy who masturbates to music videos on MTV Jams.
Me: Anyway...Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Cocked, locked and ready to unload.
Me: Excellent...and now a word from our sponsors.
I have a friend whose wife is expecting their first child. He just told me about an extramarital affair he was having with a 16 year old girl. I was angered and reminded him of his wife at home. He said that he had a moral lapse of reason. Should I remain friends with him? Should I write an anonymous letter to his wife explaining the affair?
Conundrum in Coon Valley
Me: First of all, your friend is a moral zero. If I was you I would dump this friend.
Cocky: The best way to dump someone is with a good old punch to the throat....it feels great to bring back that piece of advice.
Me: As for the anonymous letter, they accomplish nothing. If you are concerned sit down with his wife and explain what is bothering you. If he is out fucking teenagers then he is risking exposure to the wife and future child with disease amongst other things.
Cocky: Yeah, you also get your friend to give you that girl's number and send her over my way so I can peck her eyes out for homewreckin'.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I always give a lot to my relationships, my husband, family members, and friends. I am starting to resent this because I don’t get much back. I hardly ever get what I really want. What should I do?
Pissed Off in Plum City
Me: Everyone should have boundaries. Relationships such as the ones you mention are like volleyball. You serve and you get a volley back unless you are an adult serving against grade schoolers. Sometimes you serve two or three times but get nothing back but there should be equal generosity in return. You can expect not to get much back from three groups: babies, teenagers, and the elderly.
Cocky: Don't listen to him. What you do is this: you do something nice for a family member or friend or husband and if they don't give you instant respect or appreciation, you grab them by the shirt and scream, "RESPECT ME!" And if they don't apologize then you punch them in the throat.
Me: Oh so Cocky, you're sounding like a broken record recommending that throat punch.
Cocky: You bitch...pot kettle black...VOLLEYBALL! VOLLEYBALL! I am so mad that I am going to start spitting here.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am a college student and I am a romantic at heart. I am preparing a meal for a girl and I want a movie to watch afterward. Do you have any recommendations?
Dater in DeSoto
Me: Well I can tell you one movie to avoid...The Princess Bride. I watched that with a girl in college and halfway through she was talking of marriage. At that time I was of a sound mind and was freaked out by her "proposal". I think the best movies to watch would be in the PG or PG-13 comedy genre. Whatever you do make sure you watch the movie before you view it with your date.
Cocky: The movie you want to watch with a date is 9½ Weeks. With that movie, you get dinner plus a show! If that doesn't work try Pink Floyd's The Wall but make sure you load up your meal with morning glory seeds and also make sure if you view that one, the red wine which you use should actually be Robotussin.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
What do you guys do to beat the heat?
Hot in Hustisford
Me: Well my strategy for beating the Heat will be to expose LeBron James. Get him frustrated shooting and he will shut down.
Cocky: The weather, moron, the weather.
Me: Oh, I like to take a dip in the local lake when it isn’t flooded.
Cocky: Yeah, it also doubles as fishing because the Godfather goes naked and the fish try to bite his little worm.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
If I got a prostate exam on Valentines Day, do I need to send the doctor roses?
Confused in Coloma
Me: Typically I don't think that is standard practice but I'm of the opinion that it's alright to give anyone flowers so I would say send the doctor flowers. Maybe send some brown carnations.
Cocky: Only if you didn't blow him.
I'm a single mother and my son is 14 years old. We live in a two bedroom apartment. One afternoon, I had just gotten home from work and walked past my son's room. His door was open and I thought I'd say hell but to my shock he was sitting on his bed masturbating. I walked back out and didn't say anything. I have a difficult time talking to me son about this. Should I talk to him?
Catcher in Castle Rock
Me: I've had this problem myself. See when I was in college I had this odd predicament. I would always walk in on friends masturbating in their dorm rooms and dorm bathroom. It was always awkward but over time things became normal. You have to tread lightly with this one. I might bring it up that he feel free to close his door if he doesn't want to be disturbed and if it happens again then maybe you want to bring it up that he should do that in privacy and not when your around and if you are then he should make sure his door is shut and locked.
Cocky: The best way to get him to stop and never do it again would be to critique his form. Believe me it works. Why just the other day I told the godfather he should use a little more lube and lighten his grip or else his hand would be locked in that position forever. It's a wonder he can even type this.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I've been having these dreams about being pregnant as of late. Every single night I'm dreaming about having a baby or being pregnant. The strange thing is that I'm now late but I haven't had sex in months. Can you get pregnant by thinking about it?
Knocked Up in New Brunswick
Me: Seriously? This is why we need comprehensive sex education in public schools.
Cocky: Yes, that and we also should no longer accept questions from Canadians.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
How do you get that hot guy to notice you?
Hot(?)Girl in Hoboken
Me: Well the best way is to show interest in the guy and be sincere about this interest. Also when you are around him don't be something you are not. Be yourself and if he doesn't like you for who you are then he isn't worth your time even if he is "hot".
Cocky: Hey, what do you know? I'm going to be in New Jersey tomorrow so maybe you and I should discuss this up close and personal.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
A friend of mine says that the hottest thing a girl has ever done with him in bed is pouring maple syrup all over her body and then having sex. What is the hottest thing a girl can do in the bedroom?
Syrup Sucker in Saskatoon
Me: Women's magazines have been answering this question for years so I think it's appropriate that we finally handle the topic. I think this varies from man to man. Some men like the oral play and others enjoy the anal play both the giving and receiving ends. Some men like to be bit while kissing. Some enjoy lingerie. Some enjoy dirty talk. Some enjoy just hearing a woman say she wants sex. For some men it's a certain position. Some men like it when ice cubes are incorporated and some enjoy multiple partners. My point? You should ask your lover what he likes or what drives him wild. Men will be more than happy to tell you and if he says he doesn't know, try to find it through practice.
Cocky: I thought we said no more questions from Canadians.
Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I like having free time on the weekends. My job is demanding and the weekends are my time for down time and relaxing. My girlfriend wants me to spend more time with her family. How do I get out of spending time with them?
Hiding in Horicon
Me: Honestly, I would advise against this. Your girlfriend is proud of you and wants to show you off to her family. I don't think that is too much to ask of you unless her family is a group of serial rapists. Then I might tell you to invest in a chastity belt. Some guys would kill for the things you have. Now be a good boyfriend and spend time with the future in-laws.
Cocky: Don't listen to the Godfather. If your girlfriend needs you to spend time with her folks then she must have character flaws. She should be spending her weekends waiting on you hand and foot because you lavish her with the money gained from your stressful job. Going out with her parents isn't spending time in the kitchen or bedroom. The next time she drags you along to a dinner with her parents. Ask her mom over the main course if she'd like to join you and your girlfriend for a threesome.
Me: OK, I plan on timestamping this. I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU! I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock. And if you have any questions for Cocky and myself, you can send them to Formspring or email them to--
Cocky: Me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
Me: OR send me a message here at Xanga.
Cocky: Also if you have ever posed nude and want your photos kept safe make sure you email them to me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
Me: Cocky, you are such a dick.
Cocky : Wrong! I'm a cock.
Rec or die!
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