Thanks for celebrating my birthday, guys. Who's coming to my party? What are you buying me? I could always use cash and fossil fuels or the Sudetenland. You people are the best...well not all of you but you Aryan people are the best. Remember you can't spell "Führer" without "ü".
I've had guest bloggers in the past because sometimes I think that having a guest explain current affairs is better because I tend to have a slant on my views and it's always refreshing for you to hear what others have to say. In the past I've had guest bloggers cover the Israeli/Palestinian Conflict, The Economy, Swine Flu, The Nobel Peace Prize, The Times Square Bomb Scare, Xanga Suicide Hoax, The BP Oil Spill, and The Crisis in Egypt.
On Friday April 15th, the FBI charged 3 of the major online poker sites with criminal activities and blocked American residents from using these sites and putting a freeze on all money accounts.
So to keep the tradition alive, here is a guest blogger to cover what has been called "Black Friday" in the online poker world. The guest blogger's views do not necessarily reflect my opinions.
So the FBI threw out some indictments against some computer poker rings. I couldn't be happier. Of course the obvious reason I'm happy is that I get put on the back burner and the FBI stops hassling me, my family, and my friends. Just because my name ends in a vowel doesn't mean I'm in the mafia. I'm just a businessman in the waste management industry. These stereotypes are old. Besides there is no such thing as the mafia. Sure, Italians had to band together when they first came to America but that's because people didn't consider them to be American or white. They thought they were a bunch of moulinyans. Now if someone insinuates I'm mobbed up, I give them a turban.
OK, so I do some money lending and I take bets for sporting games and I run a card game of high rollers but that doesn't mean I'm in something called the mob or Cosa Nostra. So my card game, you'd like it but I don't know if you can get in. You need a few grand to get some ziti for my game. See you'd be sitting with the best of the best. Frank Sinatra Jr., the chairboy of the board. You may also see that guy who does all the commercials for dick surgery on the TV. Lawrence Taylor and David Lee Roth have been known to sit in on a game. What's that, you feel lucky? I wipe my ass with your feelings. OK I'll float you 10 boxes of ziti but I'm going to have to tack on 5 points a week and that's on top of the principle, capisce? The vig's higher for you because you aren't blood.
You need some good lingo when playing at my poker table. You need to be able to talk shit which is something you can't do on the internet poker. You just sit there and watch a screen. Here you talk to the other players. Last game, I lay down 4 queens and I tell everyone that I eat more queens than Lancelot. I guess you had to be there. You have to make your moves faster than the internet and unlike the internet you have to look at your opponents. Some times you make bad reads but remember a wrong decision is better than indecision. It's better to lose a few chips than sit there like some stunad with your cazzo in your hand.
My dad used to run this game and I inherited it. Oh you should have seen those games. I loved my dad and I feared him too mostly because his favorite child development tool was a belt. For the longest time I thought my dad was a cowboy. They told me he was in Montana working on a ranch. Turned out he was in prison.
Another thing you may find that's better about playing in my card game than at the internet is the gabbagol. That's right, you eat like some sort of barbaro. You'd probably sit there and eat something like Pizza Hut. Here, you get the bagel, the lox, the cream cheese. We set out a spread. Make sure you try the prosciut. Also, if I let you in this game you can't make any mistakes on how you act. You have to live by the old Italian saying, "You fuck up, you lose your teeth." You know what? I can't lend you money. It's not that I don't have it, it's just that I couldn't bring myself to hurt you if you didn't pay me back.
You have any idea what certain people would do to me if they found out I was talking on this two-bit rag you call a blog? OK, enough of this internet shit, those cookies make me nervous. Fanabla, finook! End of story.
Remember the views of the guest blogger or insinuations into his line of work do not reflect those of GodfatherofGreenBay.
Turns out Kemba Walker has only read one book in his entire collegiate career. That bad part is that Jim Calhoun had to color it in for him first.
God, I love Madison because I overheard a lot of this stuff and said a few myself. Can you imagine life inside the Palin household? All Sarah does is bitch about this and that and never offers any solutions. I feel bad for Todd. She won’t get the GOP nomination but she will take everyone’s money who shells out $400 a plate to eat a dinner with her and $100,000 to have her speak at your capitol. How is that fiscally responsible? Oh and she’ll take all this money to give to all those people she pals around with on Wall Street and in the oil industry. Sarah is to politics as to what Bristol is to abstinence. Without catchphrases, Sarah Palin would have nothing to say. So instead of saying things, she had to yell them over the boos of all the protesters. Do the Tea Baggers embrace Bobby Jindal? You know his mother was 4 months pregnant when she arrived in America so he wasn’t conceived here. He can’t be American. Jindal said he’d sign legislation that crossed his desk demanding presidential candidates show their birth certificate. Maybe he should have asked Obama for the birth certificate when Obama was down there helping out with the oil spill. You know the tea baggers are fighting for those 300 CEOs who earned more than $3billion dollars in the last fiscal year so they can become wealthier. What CEO in his right mind would create jobs in America when he sees more dollar signs by creating foreign jobs? So Donald Trump may or may not run. He’s going to use his show’s finale to announce his campaign. He’s already said that Herman Cain would make a good running mate but he actually meant a good butler. If Donald Trump does get elected what is the over/under on the U.S. getting nuked by China? I say 1 year. So how can we trust a guy who has declared bankruptcy 5 times to get our country’s economy back in order? The only things I have in common with Donald Trump are the facts that we both think we have a grasp on reality but are out of our minds and his hair piece resembles my pubes. And if Trump is so insistent on Obama producing a birth certificate I am going to insist that he prove he has real hair. Oh and why didn’t the GOP say nor do anything about all of Bush’s spending and why won't homeboy Paul Ryan explain why he voted for two wars?
I can’t believe my girlfriend didn’t see it coming. Good thing she has an appointment with the eye doctor tomorrow.
When I was a senior in high school and didn’t want to study for tests but still had to take them even though I was on high honors, I answered every question with a form of “Because of Jesus”. In German class I wrote, “Jesu tat dies.”
Why is it that whenever I eat a banana I think of porn? The last time I was at a bar a woman tried to impress me with skills that she claimed were “porn star-esque”. She tied a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue. I threw a banana at her and told her to be realistic.
And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
Because of the closure of online poker sites, the amount of playing Facebook’s Farmville and Mafia Wars have increased 500%
Every time I go to a Walmart I have the urge to hop on the intercom and scream, “DO YOU GREASY FUCKS LOOK AT A MIRROR BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE?” And of course, I have to say it in caps.
The worst part of being a sex symbol is that I find myself irresistible, that and the hand blisters.
A couple of weeks ago I was happy it was baseball season because you now had an excuse to be drunk before noon. Now something happened to me last week and I have to ask if this is a problem. Is it bad if you get cut off for drinking too much by the second inning of a Little League game?
There’s something magical about masturbating while wearing Harry Potter glasses and a wizard’s robe. There’s also something magical about having sex with your boss. Too bad I’m self-employed.
You are going to love all the 9/11 and Japanese earthquakes jokes I’ll be able to post in 2015 when we can laugh at that stuff.
After this storm it seems that all my joints ache. Oh damn and it's 4/20...you can't have bad joints on 4/20.
The 10th person to recommend this post gets and expired coupon for Burger King.
Xanga has a way of making me feel like I’m not the only guy sitting at home staring at a computer screen wearing nothing but underwear.
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