Good Friday Service or wait...I had no other options.  I always enjoy the Good Friday service.  The last 3 years the pastor always finds me before the service and hands me this huge large print Bible and asks me at a certain point in the service to slam it shut.  I believe in Christian tradition this is called the "Strepitus"....nominalization of Strepitum and supine of strepō and I believe that makes it the masculine genitive fourth declension...for you Latin nerds out there.  It's a loud noise that symbolizes the closing of Christ's tomb.  The last 3 years, I get up right before and go in back.  Take the Bible slam it shut and the echo from the silence makes it seem like a gunshot.  The best part is watching the people jump because they aren't expecting it even though "STREPITUS" is in the bulletin.  What does this all mean?  I'm a rotten bastard.  Time for the round-up.

Vince Vaughn was spotted at the Chicago Blackhawks and Vancouver Canucks hockey game this week.  He is the ultimate sports troll...U MAD?

Vanessa Hudgens was spotted at Coachella last weekend.  She was seen licking this unknown substance.  Someone later said it was MDMA.  I guess that is one way to escape the stress from having a former boyfriend who is gay and also all the stress of those "leaked" nude pics.  I feel so bad for you Vanessa.

A while back I wrote a story about how Spike Lee claimed that Tyler Perry's work was nothing more than "coonery and buffoonery" and that Perry's work "harkens back to Amos n' Andy".  Well Tyler Perry finally struck back at Lee: ""I'm so sick of hearing about damn Spike Lee. Spike can go straight to hell! You can print that. I am sick of him talking about me, I am sick of him saying, 'this is a coon, this is a buffoon.' I am sick of him talking about black people going to see movies. This is what he said: 'you vote by what you see,' as if black people don't know what they want to see.  I am sick of him — he talked about Whoopi, he talked about Oprah, he talked about me, he talked about Clint Eastwood. Spike needs to shut the hell up! I’ve never seen Jewish people attack Seinfeld and say, ‘This is a stereotype.’  I’ve never seen Italian people attack The Sopranos, I’ve never seen Jewish people complaining about Mrs. Doubtfire or Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie. I never saw it.  It's always black people, and this is something that I cannot undo. Booker T. Washington and W.E.B. DuBois went through the exact same thing; Langston Hughes said that Zora Neale Hurston, the woman who wrote Their Eyes Were Watching God, was a new version of the 'darkie' because she spoke in a southern dialect and a Southern tone. And I'm sick of it from us; we don't have to worry about anybody else trying to destroy us and take shots because we do it to ourselves."  He had me in agreement until he compared himself to Booker T. Washington and W.E.B. DuBois.  I will gladly lift up Spike Lee so he can slap the glasses and wig off Madea.  Maybe Tyler can incorporate that into yet another Madea movie.  Let's call it "Madea Could Eat a Tub of Ice Cream for Two Hours, Get Slapped by Spike Lee, and Make the GodfatherofGreenBay Cry and You'd Still Pay to See it in the Theaters or Else Wait for it to be Shown on TBS Ad Nauseum".

Dear Lord, this photo of Serena Williams has me feeling like I am going to faint.  Dear terrorists, this is hwhat all American women look like.  Don't fuck with us.  Sincerely, Godfatherof GreenBay

This is supposedly Rupert Grint of the Harry Potter world.  Looks like he's celebrating 4/20.  Hmmm...Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stoned?

I ran into Robert DeNiro recently and asked him to do a guest blog and this was his response.  No, that's not true.  This was actually his reaction when I approached him at the airport with my script for "A Focker Christmas".

Rebecca Black is receiving death threats if she doesn't take her song "Friday" off the internet.  That's sort of lame but then I'm not receiving any death threats because of Xanga or Youtube.  Then I'm no where near as popular or as rich as she is.  The authorities are looking into these threats.  I hope they backtrace the emails because the consequences will never be the same.

All hail, Olivia Munn, queen of the nerds!  She needs the constant coverage that Kate Middleton is receiving.  I'd love for Olivia to handle my royal scepter.  I'd love to act out that scene where Luke Skywalker kisses Leia but then that'd be weird because they are siblings.  Who am I kidding?  I'd have to be Jabba the Hut and she'd dress up like slave-girl Leia.  FAP FAP FAP

Nicolas cage got arrested last weekend while in New Orleans.  This guy has always been a little off and this just proves that he is full blown crazy.  Well that was obvious when he named his son Kal-El but I digress.  He and his wife, Alice Kim, were looking for a property they were renting while he films a movie.  He said that they were at the property but his wife disagreed.  He then grabbed her by the arm and dragged her to the property.  The cab driver freaked out and called 911.  Nicolas started punching parked cars and screaming.  He tried to get into a cab but the driver freaked.  The police arrived and told Nicolas to go home because he was visibly drunk but being the crazy person he is, Nic yelled at the police, "Why don't you just arrest me?"  Here's a pro-tip, if you dare a cop to arrest you, they will.  They arrested Nicolas and charged him with domestic violence and disturbing the peace. Alice didn't file a complaint and said she was fine.  Nicolas said that he was preparing to star as Mel Gibson in a biopic.  The cops didn't know.  I hear the Jews run the South.  Now if that isn't weird enough, Nicolas was bailed out for $11,000 by none other than Duane Chapman aka Dog the Bounty Hunter.  OK let's go over this again: Nicolas Cage got mad at his wife because they were confused over an address, he got mad, grabbed his wife, punched parked cars, taunted cops, arrested, Dog the Bounty Hunter bails him out because Cage owes $14million in back taxes to the IRS because Cage spends his money on shrunken heads and dinosaur skulls.  So what can we learn?  Get a GPS, be nice to the police by not taunting them to arrest you, and have a friend who wears a mullet.

A few weeks ago there was a hullabaloo about Natalie Portman using a double for all the dancing in Black Swan.  Now comes word that she used a body double in Your Highness.  This is that scene.  Yep, that's not Natalie.  She's so sneaky.  I feel violated now because she's not the person to whom I beat off in the back of the movie theater.  Now what am I going to say in court?  "It was a body double, your honor?"  I can stand digital spaceships and monsters but not body parts especially not body parts made of silicone.

Miley Cyrus posted this photo of her new tattoo on Twitter.  She got a dream catcher tattooed on her side.  Actually I think that is a target for her boyfriend.  It's going to be really awkward when Billy Ray shows up on her doorstep with the word "dream" tattooed on his tongue...yikes, two incest jokes this week.  That's two more than I've ever posted.

Here's a little something for the ladies.  You know how you can tell that Michael Phelps isn't training?  Chest hair.

Because Mel Gibson's movie, The Beaver, is being released in the next month, he's been going public to repair his reputation.  In his first interview Mel had this to say: "I’ve never treated anyone badly or in a discriminatory way based on their gender, race, religion or sexuality -- period. I don’t blame some people for thinking that though, from the garbage they heard on those leaked tapes, which have been edited. You have to put it all in the proper context of being in an irrationally, heated discussion at the height of a breakdown, trying to get out of a really unhealthy relationship. It’s one terribly, awful moment in time, said to one person, in the span of one day and doesn’t represent what I truly believe or how I’ve treated people my entire life."  Did anyone else die from laughter after reading that first sentence?  He also talked about how he felt so sad that he was fired from The Hangover 2 but that he just had to let it go.  Good thing Todd Philips doesn't have a Jewish name.  Hmm I wonder if Mel remembers the time he asked his girlfriend if she wanted to be raped by a pack of wild something or other.  Maybe he was asking if she'd like to eat a pack of Nila Wafers.  He did later say that all his anti-Semetic words was a once in a lifetime moment when everything boiled over.  Now was that the time he called Winona Ryder an oven dodger?  You can read the rest of the interview at Deadline.  It's boring.  I was expecting him to choke the interviewer and demand a blowjob.

Lindsay and Ali Lohan were spotted at Coachella this past weekend because that's where celebrities go to unwind and have fun.  Did I ever tell you my Coachella story?  Well I can't because I signed a non-disclosure contract.

She's a piece of crap.  A recent interview asked her how she responded to people saying that her song "Born this Way" was stolen from Madonna and that she is uncreative.  Lady Gaga replied in unladylike fashion: "Let me tell you something. If you fucking rip my hairbow and my wig off my fucking head, my shoes, my bra, every single thing on my body, and you throw me on a piano with a microphone, I will fucking make you cry.'  I feel I have been probed endlessly about who the fuck I am. I have been quite open about it. And still nobody seems to have a clue.  I'm not going to start churning out what you expect. If you're looking for me to be something that isn't there, STOP LOOKING. I am not that. I am not created. If you want me to be a manufactured act, you can fuck off.'"  Hmm...the lady doth protest too much.  She's got one thing right, if she got naked and on a piano I'd probably cry because she's not original.  She also went on to say that God sent her the lyrics to "Born This Way"  So I wonder how much God gets for royalties.  She also had this to say: "No. Listen to me. Why the fuck...? I'm a songwriter. I've written loads of music. Why would I try to put out a song and think I'm getting one over on everybody? That's retarded."  She took to her suckling pig, Perez Hilton's website to apologize.  She should apologize by going away forever.  People are also upset with her new song "Judas" because it is offensive to religious folks.  You know how I deal with something that could be perceived as offensive?  I DON'T LISTEN TO IT!  Lady Gaga has a creative director that claims to be Catholic but she doesn't think the song is offensive.  Keep that in mind, Lady Gaga, who is revered for her originality, has a creative director.  I think she helps Gaga determine just how offensive and unoriginal she can be.  Pissing off the Catholic Church is neither different nor difficult.  Luther did it through 95 sentences.  Madonna did it with a song that had a better melody and lyrics that made a modicum of sense.  Gays and birth control have been doing it for a long time as well.  Unoriginal...Uncreative!

Russell Brand and Katy Perry were at the UK premier of Russell's movie "Arthur".  "Hey everybody!  Look!  I'm grabbing my wife's butt because we're in love!  I used to brag about getting my balls sucked by twins while I drank tea at tea time.  Now I wake up to Katy every morning.  We're happy, REALLY HAPPY!  Can't you tell?  Just look!  She's really happy that I'm grabbing her butt!  Did I mention that twins used to tongue my balls?"

Kate Hudson recently compared being pregnant to being stoned.  Don't act surprised.  She's the one who has been spotted drinking bottles of wine with her dinners in Manhattan.  Yep, that's great Kate.  Do you hear those papers shuffling?  That's CPS preparing to visit you 10 seconds after the baby is born.

Talk about dinner and a show.  Juliette Lewis was performing at a gay and lesbian benefit and she got up on a table and started "rocking out".  That wine bottle doesn't know what to do, should it pop the cork or try to remain calm and let her nether-thetans draw it inside her.

Hmmm...I'd guess the one holding the burrito in one hand and a beer in the other who is confused about what Chicken of the Sea is and who is also farting up a storm....basically the one who is dumber than a box of shit.

May 8th our nation will cheer a collective cheer of joy because the cast of Jersey Shore will leave our country to film in Florence, Italy.  But then they might not.  The mayor of Florence has agreed to let them film there but he has some stipulations.  Here they are: "The cast will not be filmed in bars and clubs that serve alcohol.  The cast will not be filmed drinking in public.  The show will not be filmed to promote Florence as a drinking town.  The show should be filmed in a manner to promote Italy (not Americans visiting Italy) and feature its culture and good food."  So it sounds like they'll have to drink inside a barn like an 18 year old me.  Jersey Shore without booze is like Jersey Shore without booze.  They'll go into withdrawal and turn into zombies and attack Italians to suck the booze out of their veins and then the mayor of Florence will be forced to dispatch them.  I should send him a gift basket.

Iggy Pop turned 64 this week.  OK, Iggy, we get it.  You're a real wild child (see what I did there) but it's time to retire the shirtless act and get a rocking chair and some Werther's Originals. 

Hugh Hefner was spotted at Disney Land this week.  OK, look at the photo and let it sink in but try not to laugh.  With all the excitement at Disney Land, I hope he didn't short out his pacemaker.  I bet being around all those kids turned him off on the idea of having kids with his future wife but it didn't turn him off from the idea of dating them and getting them to pose in his magazine when they turn 18 of course.

George Takei turned 74 on 4/20.  I really don't want to know how he celebrated.  Oh my!

"Now, Fergie, I'm going to need you to bend over so I can check out your lovely lady humps."

A rumor has been floating around this week that the real reason Emma Watson dropped out of Brown University was because she was bullied.  Emma didn't shy away from classroom participation and her classmates didn't shy away from letting her know they enjoyed her work.  When Emma answered a question correctly, students would yell out "Three points for Gryffindor!"  That actually is sort of funny.  I feel bad for Emma.  She'll have to fly home and wipe away her tears with $100 bills.  Emma should have learned that the only way to handle a bully is to beat them up.

Conan O'Brien turned 48 this week.  No wonder he only works four nights a week.  He's an old man.

Carrot Top got his hair straightened for a photo-shoot with Las Vegas Magazine.  Wow, that's a shocker!  That's the only time you'll see the word "straight" in the same story as Carrot Top.

This week Charlie Sheen lost custody of his children to his wife Brooke Mueller who recently failed court ordered drug tests.  So the court determined that a woman who uses crack is a better parent than Charlie Sheen?  Also this week, Charlie lost some of his supporters.  Remember a few years ago when Charlie Sheen was a huge voice of the 9/11 Truth movement?  Well those truthers, not to be confused with the birthers which Charlie is also a part of, have become upset that Charlie in his new found fame hasn't addressed the truth behind 9/11.  The 9/11 Truth Movement plans on protesting his shows unless he talks about the movement.  A spokesman from the group says that Sheen should be using this limelight to shed more light on the truth behind 9/11.  OK here's an analogy they can understand...using a guy who has ingested more drugs than a Columbian mule and is unstable promote your cause will implode faster than the World Trade Center.

Wow, AmericanAlien sure has aged since he left Xanga.  We need AmericanAlien back here blogging.  Can someone set up a petition to get AmericanAlien back here?  Why does Xanga invest all their money into the "ish" sites when they should be begging AmericanAlien to return?

Video Section:
Even though Gary Busey was fired by Donald Trump, he is now endorsing Trump for president.  OK, the Trump for President campaign really is drawing out the crazies.

Weird Al Yancovic has a Lady Gaga parody.  At first she wouldn't let him release it but now she is.  I guess Lady Gaga realized she is a joke.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.