I hear rumors that one of the members of the British royal family is getting married this week.  You’d think the news would be all over that.  Oh wait they are, I hear that 6% of Americans are closely following this marriage and the other 94% have enough problems in their own relationship to worry about a balding horse-toothed prince.  Also I think we shouldn’t call her “Kate Middleton” or “Princess Katherine”.  She shall now be called “P. Kitty”.  I hope they have tight security at the wedding because today I found out that I am #34617259^th in line for the British throne.  They don’t want me on the throne because I will teach them the meaning of “reign of terror”.  My first royal proclamation would be “I shit on the Magna Carta.”

I want a girlfriend who is a zombie so that way she can appreciate me for my brains and not my body.

Do you ever think that the reason that geologists say the earth is 6000 years old is so they can make Mother Nature blush and get on her good graces for some loving?

I only like to have sex with girls who have a Master’s degree or Doctorate.  Why?  I’m fucking genius.  And remember I'm the guy that said that the only way I'd get married is if the girl I married was born on February 14th and agreed to be married on February 14th.  Well it didn't happen but I did find a girl who was born on my birthday and agreed to get married on that day but I didn't marry her because I'd still have to remember Valentine's Day.

Are hipsters still wearing mesh trucker hats ironically?  I need a hat that matches my mesh shirts and I don’t want to be a hipster.

I took a girl to a Brewers game the other night.  We had a deal.  I kissed her on the strikes and she kissed me on the balls.

Coors Light has an indicator that tells you if your Coors Light is cold.  If you’re drinking Coors Light do you really care if it’s cold or not?

I was interviewed to be the fourth Beastie Boy.  They liked my haikus and my funny lines because I think that’s some Buddhist stuff.  Anyway I didn’t get the job because I viewed partying as more of a privilege than a right.

I’ve heard people spew the “fact” that every cigarette you some takes seven years off your life.  What if I was going to become a late-in-life serial killer?  Then smoking saves lives.  They also claim that if you stop smoking you can add ten years to your life.  So should I start smoking and then quit, start smoking and then quit, start smoking and then quit?  I COULD BE IMMORTAL!

Every time I go out to the bar looking for a girl, I put a porn in the dvd tray because that’ll more than likely be my date.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation, a dosage that will drive some of you insane:

The easiest way I’ve found to avoid people and not talk to them is to say “Just text me.”

Are people who only want to have sex with the homeless called hobosexuals?

Are the birthers who want to see Obama’s birth certificate questioning whether or not he was born?  If that’s the case I want to see the death certificate for Donald Trump’s hair.  If he wants it so bad, Trump can come to my house to view Obama’s birth certificate.  I found it under my couch when I was looking for my cat.  Strange, things are always in the last place you’d look.  Oh and because I was Facebook friends with a member of the Obama administration and saw IP addresses from Washington D.C. and the Armed Forces in my footprints, I like to think that they posted his birth certificate online all because of me.

Investment tip of the week: never give money to someone who has a tattoo of a weapon.

I’ve found that the best way to hypnotize women is to do jumping jacks naked.

Girls, trim your bushes.  I need to see in your windows at night.

Opinions are like male nipples, not necessary.

Why do they put a piece of toilet paper in wedding invitations?  Is it to say that if you come you’re going to have a shitty time?

I put “in a relationship” on my Facebook and I was bombarded with a slew of comments saying “What the fuck?”