I've gotten my hands on the actual birth certificate of President Obama and I think there are some glaring problems and these problems are pretty damning.  I think the birth certificate is a forgery.

1.  There is a red penis on the birth certificate.  Most birth certificates do not have poorly drawn penises on them.  It has to be a forgery.

2.  Even though the president claims to have been born in Hawaii, his birth certificate states he was born in Awesometown.  I have consulted maps and by maps I mean Google, THERE IS NO AWESOMETOWN, U.S.A.!  It has to be a forgery.

3.  22 Acacia Avenue is listed as the hospital's address.  22 Acadia Avenue is the title on an Iron Maiden song.  It has to be a forgery.

4.  The footprints clearly belong to a wolf and President Obama is a human.  It has to be a forgery.

5.  The birth certificate has the official Nintendo seal.  This proves nothing.  Hell, it doesn't prove anything when it's stamped on Nintendo games.  Did you ever play Bart vs. the Aliens?  Did you ever play Back to the Future?  Those games sucked yet they had the Nintendo seal on them and were packed into store shelves regardless.  Maybe Barack Obama is a Pokemon or a Koopa Troopa.  It has to be a forgery.

6.  Shit is smeared on the birth certificate.  Contrary to popular belief, there are no shit stains on birth certificates.  It has to be a forgery.

This whole royal wedding has me thinking of why I have no girlfriend.  It's simple; I have no game. 
It got me wondering how did some of the key historical figures in the world get women.  Here are some of their pick-up lines.

"Space-time isn't the only thing that is curved."-Albert Einstein
"Fetch me some calomel, Ms. Hemmings, I think I may have come down with jungle fever."-Thomas Jefferson
"How would you like to be Beethoven's fifth?"-Beethoven
"You know, there are certain things I could eat during my hunger strike."-Gandhi
"Your palace looks like it could use a sturdy column."-Julius Caesar
"United we stand, divided we fall...catch my drift?"-Abraham Lincoln
"Baby, you're the bomb."-Harry S Truman
"Your name must be Grace because you are irresistible."-Martin Luther(yes, all my years of theology are being put to use in writing a pick up line for Martin Luther)
"Come with me and I'll make you the Princess of Wails."-Prince Charles
"I'd like to drop anchor in your lagoon."-Magellan
"Avast! Prepare to be boarded."-Blackbeard
"I like my women like I like my DNA: unzipping my genes."-Linus Pauling
"Let's have a debate: I'll be a cultural relativist and you can adopt the missionary position."- Franz Boas(I didn't know this guy until tonight but I found that pick up line so I had to use it. He proposed the theory of cultural relativist)
"Yes, I am proud of helping to repeal the Stamp Act but I'd rather repeal that dress from you." Benjamin Franklin
" If you sign this non-aggression pact I promise to only blitzkrieg your western front."-Adolf Hitler
"Stalin means “made of steel”.  I didn’t get the nickname for my ruling ability."-Josef Stalin
"You’re making a Civil Rights Movement in my pants." Martin Luther King Jr.
"You wanna hear about my dream about you and I?"- Martin Luther King Jr.
"You’ve seen my face on Mount Rushmore, but wait till you see my face when I mount you."-Theodore Roosevelt
"Actually, the happiest place on earth is my bedroom."-Walt Disney
"What time do you get off work because I feel an uprising in my lower class?"- Karl Marx
"I lost my telephone patent, can I have yours?"- Elisha Gray
"Want to take a midnight ride?  I'll give a signal for when I am coming: one if by pink, two if by stink."- Paul Revere
"I'd like to thank you ahead of time for the fun we will have tonight."- Nostradamus
"I've got a huge part for you but only if you dress like a man."- Shakespeare
"Ich bin....how do you say 'hard as a rock' in German?"- JFK
"I'm going to split you in half."- King Solomon
"I consider it my duty to debunk the myth that you are flat."- Christopher Columbus.
"Do you prefer to do it with the lights on or off?"- Thomas Edison
"Right before God died, he told me we should bone."- Nietzsche
"Part 'em."- Moses

If you have any that you would like to submit, please send them my way in a comment.

American Idol...The Office...NFL Draft...what a night!  I didn't watch much of American Idol because the draft was one and I wanted someone to explain to me with this lockout does this mean that the teams basically "own" the player and he can't go play for someone else?  All I know is that the Vikings panicked and pulled the gun on a shitty quarterback.  If the Texans took Christian Ponder at #11, I'm pretty sure Minnesota would have drafted me as their next quarterback.  Christian Ponder...Viking fans are going to ponder the notion of having a good quarterback...I'm lame but I'm sad right now because of Casey Abrams and Michael Scott leaving their shows.  Boo-hoo.  Link time!

1.  Did you know National Geographic has a tumblr?  National Geographic has a tumblr.  I haven't found any naked ladies yet.

2.  I have had nightmares about some of my experiences in retail and I still cringe at some of those memories especially the multiple people with diarrhea.  Anyway, I stumbled upon this site called Clients from Hell.  It's a collection of experiences web designers have with clients. 

3.  Do any of my facebook friends who have children read this site?  Oh well, time to test the waters.  This tumblr is called STFU, Parents!  It's about all the crazy stuff parents do on facebook.  My favorite term is "mommyjacking".  It's when a person comments on something you post and they turn it into something about their children.  Luckily most of what I post on facebook can't be turned into children stuff especially not my talk of having a zombie girlfriend or my hate of the Minnesota Vikings.  Watch, I go back there and I'll have stuff "Look at how cute little Jimmy is posing with a zombie at the water park."  The more they post about their kids the more miserable I become.

4.  I hate commercials.  I usually flip through channels while they are on.  Anyway, 2010 produced some creepy commercials.  Here's a collection.  I disagree with the list, that Snickers commercial should be #1.

5.  I mentioned my zombie girlfriend well we are going to move into this zombie proof house.  Wait, if we did that then she couldn't come inside.  GAH!  Why must the universe conspire against me in my quest to get some find love.

6.  I know someone posted this personality quiz a while back but I can't remember who posted so I can't give you credit now.  Anyway, take this quiz to determine your personality.  Here is one of my results: Current situation is leaving him doubtful and cautions about becoming intimately involved with others.  GAH...now internet quizzes are conspiring against me!

7.  Do you enjoying dining out?  Do you enjoy eating at chain restaurants?  I don't mind going every once in a while but I won't make it a habit.  I think one reason my health has improved is that I have basically cut out all fast food from my diet but I digress.  Here's the 10 worst meals for you at chain restaurants.

8.  OK I'm going to let you in on a little secret...are you ready?  I LOVE WOMEN.  I really love women who pose for photographs.  I'll let you think about that.  Actually don't.  These are funny poses.  Did you see the girl with waffles?  That's straight out of my dreams.

9. ESPN has a certain type of reporter...hot females.  Here's a collection of the hottest.  It's funny how many of those women have left because of problems in the all boys club that is ESPN headquarters.  I think that's the reason why so many female personalities on ESPN are sideline reporters.

10.  This may be NSFW.  It's 25 pieces of erotic art from the olden days.  And they say our generation is smutty.

11.  I sometimes enjoy How I Met Your Mother.  This site is taken from an episode of that show in which Robin talks about a specific sex act in Canada.  Lilly spends most of the episode searching Canadian Sex Acts to figure out which act Robin did.  Yes, there really is a Canadian Sex Acts. 

12.  And in honor of the royal wedding which means shit to mean, here's a collection of freaky wedding ceremonies.  Would it be weird if I said there is at least one of those I could see myself doing for a wedding?  Notice I said "see myself doing".  I didn't say anything about a potential wife.  GAH!  Now I'm conspiring against myself!

OK, guy, it doesn't look like you should be giving anyone a hip.  I think you need them for yourself.

They call these "gnasher tats".  Yes, that's Prince William and P. Kitty.  Know what shall us Americans say about all those stereotypes of British and their teeth?

Good to see that Peyton Hillis made the cover of Madden.  I wonder if the lockout continues if they'll even release the game.  It's not that great.  They really haven't improved since 2006 because they haven't had any competition.  I watched a side by side comparison of NFL 2K5 and Madden 11.  They were mirror images.  Imagine how great Madden would be if they had competition instead of getting the exclusive rights to the NFL.  And I just realized that maybe 2 of you care about this.

If it wasn't Peyton Hillis, then he'd be gracing the cover.

I think that pretty much sums up why people eat ramen for every meal.

Always leave on a joke.  I just realized that the guy who is covering the royal wedding for CNN is named Dick Quest and he made my Celebrity Round Up a while back for getting arrested in Central Park carrying sex toys and propositioning men.  I wonder if Dick Quest will be on a dick quest at the royal wedding reception.  Lame.