Good Friday Service or wait...I had no other options.  I always enjoy the Good Friday service.  The last 3 years the pastor always finds me before the service and hands me this huge large print Bible and asks me at a certain point in the service to slam it shut.  I believe in Christian tradition this is called the "Strepitus"....nominalization of Strepitum and supine of strepō and I believe that makes it the masculine genitive fourth declension...for you Latin nerds out there.  It's a loud noise that symbolizes the closing of Christ's tomb.  The last 3 years, I get up right before and go in back.  Take the Bible slam it shut and the echo from the silence makes it seem like a gunshot.  The best part is watching the people jump because they aren't expecting it even though "STREPITUS" is in the bulletin.  What does this all mean?  I'm a rotten bastard.  Time for the round-up.

Vince Vaughn was spotted at the Chicago Blackhawks and Vancouver Canucks hockey game this week.  He is the ultimate sports troll...U MAD?

Vanessa Hudgens was spotted at Coachella last weekend.  She was seen licking this unknown substance.  Someone later said it was MDMA.  I guess that is one way to escape the stress from having a former boyfriend who is gay and also all the stress of those "leaked" nude pics.  I feel so bad for you Vanessa.

A while back I wrote a story about how Spike Lee claimed that Tyler Perry's work was nothing more than "coonery and buffoonery" and that Perry's work "harkens back to Amos n' Andy".  Well Tyler Perry finally struck back at Lee: ""I'm so sick of hearing about damn Spike Lee. Spike can go straight to hell! You can print that. I am sick of him talking about me, I am sick of him saying, 'this is a coon, this is a buffoon.' I am sick of him talking about black people going to see movies. This is what he said: 'you vote by what you see,' as if black people don't know what they want to see.  I am sick of him — he talked about Whoopi, he talked about Oprah, he talked about me, he talked about Clint Eastwood. Spike needs to shut the hell up! I’ve never seen Jewish people attack Seinfeld and say, ‘This is a stereotype.’  I’ve never seen Italian people attack The Sopranos, I’ve never seen Jewish people complaining about Mrs. Doubtfire or Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie. I never saw it.  It's always black people, and this is something that I cannot undo. Booker T. Washington and W.E.B. DuBois went through the exact same thing; Langston Hughes said that Zora Neale Hurston, the woman who wrote Their Eyes Were Watching God, was a new version of the 'darkie' because she spoke in a southern dialect and a Southern tone. And I'm sick of it from us; we don't have to worry about anybody else trying to destroy us and take shots because we do it to ourselves."  He had me in agreement until he compared himself to Booker T. Washington and W.E.B. DuBois.  I will gladly lift up Spike Lee so he can slap the glasses and wig off Madea.  Maybe Tyler can incorporate that into yet another Madea movie.  Let's call it "Madea Could Eat a Tub of Ice Cream for Two Hours, Get Slapped by Spike Lee, and Make the GodfatherofGreenBay Cry and You'd Still Pay to See it in the Theaters or Else Wait for it to be Shown on TBS Ad Nauseum".

Dear Lord, this photo of Serena Williams has me feeling like I am going to faint.  Dear terrorists, this is hwhat all American women look like.  Don't fuck with us.  Sincerely, Godfatherof GreenBay

This is supposedly Rupert Grint of the Harry Potter world.  Looks like he's celebrating 4/20.  Hmmm...Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stoned?

I ran into Robert DeNiro recently and asked him to do a guest blog and this was his response.  No, that's not true.  This was actually his reaction when I approached him at the airport with my script for "A Focker Christmas".

Rebecca Black is receiving death threats if she doesn't take her song "Friday" off the internet.  That's sort of lame but then I'm not receiving any death threats because of Xanga or Youtube.  Then I'm no where near as popular or as rich as she is.  The authorities are looking into these threats.  I hope they backtrace the emails because the consequences will never be the same.

All hail, Olivia Munn, queen of the nerds!  She needs the constant coverage that Kate Middleton is receiving.  I'd love for Olivia to handle my royal scepter.  I'd love to act out that scene where Luke Skywalker kisses Leia but then that'd be weird because they are siblings.  Who am I kidding?  I'd have to be Jabba the Hut and she'd dress up like slave-girl Leia.  FAP FAP FAP

Nicolas cage got arrested last weekend while in New Orleans.  This guy has always been a little off and this just proves that he is full blown crazy.  Well that was obvious when he named his son Kal-El but I digress.  He and his wife, Alice Kim, were looking for a property they were renting while he films a movie.  He said that they were at the property but his wife disagreed.  He then grabbed her by the arm and dragged her to the property.  The cab driver freaked out and called 911.  Nicolas started punching parked cars and screaming.  He tried to get into a cab but the driver freaked.  The police arrived and told Nicolas to go home because he was visibly drunk but being the crazy person he is, Nic yelled at the police, "Why don't you just arrest me?"  Here's a pro-tip, if you dare a cop to arrest you, they will.  They arrested Nicolas and charged him with domestic violence and disturbing the peace. Alice didn't file a complaint and said she was fine.  Nicolas said that he was preparing to star as Mel Gibson in a biopic.  The cops didn't know.  I hear the Jews run the South.  Now if that isn't weird enough, Nicolas was bailed out for $11,000 by none other than Duane Chapman aka Dog the Bounty Hunter.  OK let's go over this again: Nicolas Cage got mad at his wife because they were confused over an address, he got mad, grabbed his wife, punched parked cars, taunted cops, arrested, Dog the Bounty Hunter bails him out because Cage owes $14million in back taxes to the IRS because Cage spends his money on shrunken heads and dinosaur skulls.  So what can we learn?  Get a GPS, be nice to the police by not taunting them to arrest you, and have a friend who wears a mullet.

A few weeks ago there was a hullabaloo about Natalie Portman using a double for all the dancing in Black Swan.  Now comes word that she used a body double in Your Highness.  This is that scene.  Yep, that's not Natalie.  She's so sneaky.  I feel violated now because she's not the person to whom I beat off in the back of the movie theater.  Now what am I going to say in court?  "It was a body double, your honor?"  I can stand digital spaceships and monsters but not body parts especially not body parts made of silicone.

Miley Cyrus posted this photo of her new tattoo on Twitter.  She got a dream catcher tattooed on her side.  Actually I think that is a target for her boyfriend.  It's going to be really awkward when Billy Ray shows up on her doorstep with the word "dream" tattooed on his tongue...yikes, two incest jokes this week.  That's two more than I've ever posted.

Here's a little something for the ladies.  You know how you can tell that Michael Phelps isn't training?  Chest hair.

Because Mel Gibson's movie, The Beaver, is being released in the next month, he's been going public to repair his reputation.  In his first interview Mel had this to say: "I’ve never treated anyone badly or in a discriminatory way based on their gender, race, religion or sexuality -- period. I don’t blame some people for thinking that though, from the garbage they heard on those leaked tapes, which have been edited. You have to put it all in the proper context of being in an irrationally, heated discussion at the height of a breakdown, trying to get out of a really unhealthy relationship. It’s one terribly, awful moment in time, said to one person, in the span of one day and doesn’t represent what I truly believe or how I’ve treated people my entire life."  Did anyone else die from laughter after reading that first sentence?  He also talked about how he felt so sad that he was fired from The Hangover 2 but that he just had to let it go.  Good thing Todd Philips doesn't have a Jewish name.  Hmm I wonder if Mel remembers the time he asked his girlfriend if she wanted to be raped by a pack of wild something or other.  Maybe he was asking if she'd like to eat a pack of Nila Wafers.  He did later say that all his anti-Semetic words was a once in a lifetime moment when everything boiled over.  Now was that the time he called Winona Ryder an oven dodger?  You can read the rest of the interview at Deadline.  It's boring.  I was expecting him to choke the interviewer and demand a blowjob.

Lindsay and Ali Lohan were spotted at Coachella this past weekend because that's where celebrities go to unwind and have fun.  Did I ever tell you my Coachella story?  Well I can't because I signed a non-disclosure contract.

She's a piece of crap.  A recent interview asked her how she responded to people saying that her song "Born this Way" was stolen from Madonna and that she is uncreative.  Lady Gaga replied in unladylike fashion: "Let me tell you something. If you fucking rip my hairbow and my wig off my fucking head, my shoes, my bra, every single thing on my body, and you throw me on a piano with a microphone, I will fucking make you cry.'  I feel I have been probed endlessly about who the fuck I am. I have been quite open about it. And still nobody seems to have a clue.  I'm not going to start churning out what you expect. If you're looking for me to be something that isn't there, STOP LOOKING. I am not that. I am not created. If you want me to be a manufactured act, you can fuck off.'"  Hmm...the lady doth protest too much.  She's got one thing right, if she got naked and on a piano I'd probably cry because she's not original.  She also went on to say that God sent her the lyrics to "Born This Way"  So I wonder how much God gets for royalties.  She also had this to say: "No. Listen to me. Why the fuck...? I'm a songwriter. I've written loads of music. Why would I try to put out a song and think I'm getting one over on everybody? That's retarded."  She took to her suckling pig, Perez Hilton's website to apologize.  She should apologize by going away forever.  People are also upset with her new song "Judas" because it is offensive to religious folks.  You know how I deal with something that could be perceived as offensive?  I DON'T LISTEN TO IT!  Lady Gaga has a creative director that claims to be Catholic but she doesn't think the song is offensive.  Keep that in mind, Lady Gaga, who is revered for her originality, has a creative director.  I think she helps Gaga determine just how offensive and unoriginal she can be.  Pissing off the Catholic Church is neither different nor difficult.  Luther did it through 95 sentences.  Madonna did it with a song that had a better melody and lyrics that made a modicum of sense.  Gays and birth control have been doing it for a long time as well.  Unoriginal...Uncreative!

Russell Brand and Katy Perry were at the UK premier of Russell's movie "Arthur".  "Hey everybody!  Look!  I'm grabbing my wife's butt because we're in love!  I used to brag about getting my balls sucked by twins while I drank tea at tea time.  Now I wake up to Katy every morning.  We're happy, REALLY HAPPY!  Can't you tell?  Just look!  She's really happy that I'm grabbing her butt!  Did I mention that twins used to tongue my balls?"

Kate Hudson recently compared being pregnant to being stoned.  Don't act surprised.  She's the one who has been spotted drinking bottles of wine with her dinners in Manhattan.  Yep, that's great Kate.  Do you hear those papers shuffling?  That's CPS preparing to visit you 10 seconds after the baby is born.

Talk about dinner and a show.  Juliette Lewis was performing at a gay and lesbian benefit and she got up on a table and started "rocking out".  That wine bottle doesn't know what to do, should it pop the cork or try to remain calm and let her nether-thetans draw it inside her.

Hmmm...I'd guess the one holding the burrito in one hand and a beer in the other who is confused about what Chicken of the Sea is and who is also farting up a storm....basically the one who is dumber than a box of shit.

May 8th our nation will cheer a collective cheer of joy because the cast of Jersey Shore will leave our country to film in Florence, Italy.  But then they might not.  The mayor of Florence has agreed to let them film there but he has some stipulations.  Here they are: "The cast will not be filmed in bars and clubs that serve alcohol.  The cast will not be filmed drinking in public.  The show will not be filmed to promote Florence as a drinking town.  The show should be filmed in a manner to promote Italy (not Americans visiting Italy) and feature its culture and good food."  So it sounds like they'll have to drink inside a barn like an 18 year old me.  Jersey Shore without booze is like Jersey Shore without booze.  They'll go into withdrawal and turn into zombies and attack Italians to suck the booze out of their veins and then the mayor of Florence will be forced to dispatch them.  I should send him a gift basket.

Iggy Pop turned 64 this week.  OK, Iggy, we get it.  You're a real wild child (see what I did there) but it's time to retire the shirtless act and get a rocking chair and some Werther's Originals. 

Hugh Hefner was spotted at Disney Land this week.  OK, look at the photo and let it sink in but try not to laugh.  With all the excitement at Disney Land, I hope he didn't short out his pacemaker.  I bet being around all those kids turned him off on the idea of having kids with his future wife but it didn't turn him off from the idea of dating them and getting them to pose in his magazine when they turn 18 of course.

George Takei turned 74 on 4/20.  I really don't want to know how he celebrated.  Oh my!

"Now, Fergie, I'm going to need you to bend over so I can check out your lovely lady humps."

A rumor has been floating around this week that the real reason Emma Watson dropped out of Brown University was because she was bullied.  Emma didn't shy away from classroom participation and her classmates didn't shy away from letting her know they enjoyed her work.  When Emma answered a question correctly, students would yell out "Three points for Gryffindor!"  That actually is sort of funny.  I feel bad for Emma.  She'll have to fly home and wipe away her tears with $100 bills.  Emma should have learned that the only way to handle a bully is to beat them up.

Conan O'Brien turned 48 this week.  No wonder he only works four nights a week.  He's an old man.

Carrot Top got his hair straightened for a photo-shoot with Las Vegas Magazine.  Wow, that's a shocker!  That's the only time you'll see the word "straight" in the same story as Carrot Top.

This week Charlie Sheen lost custody of his children to his wife Brooke Mueller who recently failed court ordered drug tests.  So the court determined that a woman who uses crack is a better parent than Charlie Sheen?  Also this week, Charlie lost some of his supporters.  Remember a few years ago when Charlie Sheen was a huge voice of the 9/11 Truth movement?  Well those truthers, not to be confused with the birthers which Charlie is also a part of, have become upset that Charlie in his new found fame hasn't addressed the truth behind 9/11.  The 9/11 Truth Movement plans on protesting his shows unless he talks about the movement.  A spokesman from the group says that Sheen should be using this limelight to shed more light on the truth behind 9/11.  OK here's an analogy they can understand...using a guy who has ingested more drugs than a Columbian mule and is unstable promote your cause will implode faster than the World Trade Center.

Wow, AmericanAlien sure has aged since he left Xanga.  We need AmericanAlien back here blogging.  Can someone set up a petition to get AmericanAlien back here?  Why does Xanga invest all their money into the "ish" sites when they should be begging AmericanAlien to return?

Video Section:
Even though Gary Busey was fired by Donald Trump, he is now endorsing Trump for president.  OK, the Trump for President campaign really is drawing out the crazies.

Weird Al Yancovic has a Lady Gaga parody.  At first she wouldn't let him release it but now she is.  I guess Lady Gaga realized she is a joke.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

I love naked women.

I love sex.

I loved having sex with my girlfriend who is now longer with us and as I was informed this week that I should have a sense of humor about it.  HAHAHAHAHA...she was killed by a drunk driver.

Kitties!  Yes, I do love waking up to see them laying on me although if they lay on my back or hip, that area is really sore for the rest of the day but it's a worthwhile pain.

I love this band.

I love certain members of my family.

Nothing beats a hot shower

I love America...fuck yeah.

I love fresh fruit.

As much as I complain, I love cold weather.

I love being considered an adult but acting childish.

I love fishing

I love hunting but I don't like when I eat the deer's heart.  I can't believe I dug up that photo.  Believe me it tasted worse than it looks.

I love humor.

Maundy Thursday church service vs. American Idol and The Office...Maundy Thursday church service vs. American Idol and The Office...Maundy Thursday church service vs. American Idol and The Office...Maundy Thursday church service vs. American Idol and The Office...church won out.  I really enjoy the evening services because it seems like a great way to end the day but then I come to Xanga and see I am worthless because I'm a Christian.  Oh well.  Good news everybody, I have this thing called a VCR and I recorded The Office.  Oh even better news everybody, I have two VCRs and I recorded American Idol as well.  I need to get a DVR soon because I don't think they make VHS tapes any more.

I lost two family members today.  Well I deleted them from Facebook because of some shit they are pulling with my aunt.  It's a fucking mess and a couple of you may know the situation.  I can't even get into it or my blood pressure will rise and I'll stroke out.  OK, enough of that, time for links.

1.  This is the tumblr that has made me consider creating one.  It's Fuck Yeah, Kitties.  Tumblr users share photos of their cats.  I'd share mine because my cats are adorable and I'd fucking win that site.

2.  I recently found a celebrity Tumblr.  It's that kid from Third Rock from the Sun, Joseph Gordon Levitt.  Poop on that noise, AmericanAlien is so much better but we need him back on Xanga.

3.  Here's a fun site, it's a collection of newspaper headlines that have to start with the words "man" or "woman".  I don't know why but some of them need no explanation.  A simple sentence tells the whole story of a man.

4.  When I was a kid, certain "Christian" groups were obsessed with playing hard rock and heavy metal music backwards in hopes of finding Satanic messages.  Well I guess it still exists but now it's gone to movies...If You watch it Backwards.  Sometimes, the backwards movies seem more enjoyable than watching them the real way.

5.  I've never noticed this but there are a lot of directors that because they are directors think they can act.  Why, Alfred Hitchcock, WHY?

6.  I haven't posted much from Cracked recently because I think I got a lot of you addicted.  Score!  Anyway here's one that I love, 15 hilarious bootleg toys.  Growing up there was a liquidators store near where I lived and we'd go there to look at cheap toys.  I remember finding the Chuck Norris toys and Hemen figures.  That's a good walk down memory lane.  Oh and if you have a facebook you should totally become a fan of Robert Cop.

7.  Blah blah blah bizarre bagged foods.  I had a roommate in college that had bagged shrimp and squid.  The room smelled so bad but maybe that was my feet.  Now it was the fish.  Oh and those pickles freak me out.  The convenience store a block from my house always has those near the counter.  I want to know who buys those impulsively..."Yeah I had gas on two, give me a pack of Marb Reds, those donuts look tasty, and why don't you throw in that giant pickle".

8.  I was going to post these individually but I have so many links that need to be posted.  Anyway, here's some social media resources.  You may want to bookmark that one so you can go through them all at a later date.  I have jumped on a few of those and set some stuff up for when Facebook starts charging...hahaha.

9.  Last week I posted a site about Dustin Diamond.  Here is another one, it's about gay men who have a sexual obsession with Dustin Diamond.  I think it's a fake forum but you can never be too sure.

10.  Never screw over a girlfriend who knows how to use Google.

11.  This is one of my favorite sites EVER.  I saw this in a video a long time ago and now I am giddy to see it has it's own website.  It's called Girls Making Gun Sounds.  When I was a boy, a couple of my neighbors and I would have "wars" on our city block.  We'd have our toy guns and we'd either have battles with imaginary foes or with each other.  And of course when our toy guns didn't make the proper sounds of gun fire we'd make our own.  Then two dames moved in between our houses and they messed up our wars.  "Who are you hiding from?  Why are you shooting each other?  Do you realize you're spitting all over the place?"  We ended up getting them to play but they couldn't make the noises.  Bang bang bang pew pew pew kablooey...lame.  They ended up serving as nurses for the wounded.  I made sure I always got shot.  God, I am weird.

12.  People have asked where I get some of my profile pics.  Here.

ABBA, the Minnesota years.

"Every rose has it's pork"

You want me to do what while you're driving?

Survivor: Kasota, MN

My new outlook on life.

You don't want to know what happens when you read my Xanga or buy a book written by Snooki.

This is a weird question, but is it true that Xanga has made it so that the only way you can embed videos is if you have premium?

A while back I posted some of my haikus.  Well I have written a few more...well more than a few.  I'm including all the haikus I wrote as comments.  Yes, if you comment on a haiku post I will reply in the form of a haiku.

I'm on Jersey Shore
Orange skin, fake tan, hair gel
No fisting for me.

with all my big heart
it's large because of red meat
I say many thanks

Philadelphia
Makes me scream "Wildcard bitches"
I enjoy that show

Using tears for lube
Is much better than warm beer
Drunkard's paradise.

Many thanks indeed
The profound shit is profound
Your mind is now blown.

Cheese flavored penis
How would I know, I can't reach
Or so I've been told

In high school I wrote
Haikus about Spam and sex
stays in the closet

Politicians are
the bane of society
Anarchy forever

Not gonna let go
Never gonna give you up
We are not strangers

I am so winning
All my replies are haikus
Charlie Sheen poster

Did you laugh out loud
or are you pulling my leg
holding back my tears

Haikus are the best
Especially those of mine
Potato rapist.

I am a math nerd
I suck at regular poems
your winning reply

It's marijuana
Romania have good weed?
Light me a big joint

I like floppy boobs
they're the best kind of all boobs
whiplash inducing

A personal poem
written just for you because
I am so WINNING

I'm interesting
the alcohol makes it so
No Pabst Blue Ribbon

I like to inspire
not only through my haikus
I'm a stupid male

Haikus are easy
my comments are all haikus
except the first one

Alpha Charlie Sheen
The alpha male of alphas
he's always winning

the mini is nice
I don't get them that often
my nipples are hard

why are you all teeth
webcams are a lot of fun
I don't get naked

Inspirational
I wrote haikus in secret
Fabric of our lives

My nipples are hard
they don't shoot lava but scotch
I have drunken kids

I'm hilarious
Maybe this can be confirmed
I enjoy haikus

hot, seductive, pink
slowly sliding out and then
your Spam is ready

My skin is ashy
Hand lotion for other things
Beer for my horses

Regurgitating
Spam is better than canned Treet
Off-brand Spam is bad

Without Flowing Beer
How can you express yourself?
Simple Answer – Can’t

Your haiku sucks dicks,
I would tell you why that is,
But it's just a fact

wanking is awesome
i do it two times a day
- i hope dont go blind

I’m Bill Buttlicker
I want to buy some paper
The name’s Buttlicker

Haikus are easy,
But sometimes they don't make sense.
Refrigerator.

Dangerous pavements
But I face the ice this year
With my engorged dick.

Given that I wrote
all my comments in haiku
haikus-a-plenty

I hope you noticed
All my replies were haikus
Charmin Ultra-Soft

I must write haikus
Haikus save my mortal soul
You must post haikus

I'm glad you liked them
they're supposed to be funny
Come on, ride the train

I cannot write poems
Haikus are easy to write
Potato Rapist

Milwaukee Brewers
Will break my heart every year
Cheer for the Red Sox

I hate Thanksgiving
Rob_of_the_Sky steals turkey
Detroit Lions suck

I run Mexico
The Tijuana slum lord
Donkey shows pay rent

Working in coal mines
Did wonders for my breathing
Imagination

I am the walrus
Do you believe in my power
I’m fat and naked

God, they killed Kenny
Those bastards are in trouble
My balls are itchy

Thirty-two slices
All individually wrapped
American Cheese

I sit in silence
Windows sealed, gas is cheap
I quoted Buddha

She was very hot
I laid my pipe in her ditch
Now it hurts to pee

I once killed a man
I wanted to watch him die
I’m not Johnny Cash

I am on my knees
Worshiping your holy place
That’s cunnilingus

My girl’s expecting
I am very excited
My life is over

Pregnancy problems
She is too legit to quit
There’s poop in the pool

Longing for some love
Hookers charge too much money
Will you please hug me

I need to read more
Thus my haikus will improve
Cormac McCarthy

Yo soy El Nino
It’s Spanish for “the Nino”
I miss Chris Farley

It’s alright because
I have been saved by the bell
Those aren’t the lyrics

Battlefield Earth
Good movie or the greatest
Scientology

This evil notion
Is gaining much momentum
I love all of you

And if haikus aren't your thing, here's something to laugh at.

You've heard it here first
I hope you have a good night
Here's a hug and kiss

Thanks for celebrating my birthday, guys.  Who's coming to my party?  What are you buying me?  I could always use cash and fossil fuels or the Sudetenland.  You people are the best...well not all of you but you Aryan people are the best.  Remember you can't spell "Führer" without "ü".

I've had guest bloggers in the past because sometimes I think that having a guest explain current affairs is better because I tend to have a slant on my views and it's always refreshing for you to hear what others have to say.  In the past I've had guest bloggers cover the Israeli/Palestinian Conflict, The Economy, Swine Flu, The Nobel Peace Prize, The Times Square Bomb Scare, Xanga Suicide Hoax, The BP Oil Spill, and The Crisis in Egypt.

On Friday April 15th, the FBI charged 3 of the major online poker sites with criminal activities and blocked American residents from using these sites and putting a freeze on all money accounts. 

So to keep the tradition alive, here is a guest blogger to cover what has been called "Black Friday" in the online poker world.  The guest blogger's views do not necessarily reflect my opinions.

So the FBI threw out some indictments against some computer poker rings.  I couldn't be happier.  Of course the obvious reason I'm happy is that I get put on the back burner and the FBI stops hassling me, my family, and my friends. Just because my name ends in a vowel doesn't mean I'm in the mafia.  I'm just a businessman in the waste management industry.  These stereotypes are old.  Besides there is no such thing as the mafia.  Sure, Italians had to band together when they first came to America but that's because people didn't consider them to be American or white.  They thought they were a bunch of moulinyans.  Now if someone insinuates I'm mobbed up, I give them a turban.
OK, so I do some money lending and I take bets for sporting games and I run a card game of high rollers but that doesn't mean I'm in something called the mob or Cosa Nostra.  So my card game, you'd like it but I don't know if you can get in.  You need a few grand to get some ziti for my game.  See you'd be sitting with the best of the best.  Frank Sinatra Jr., the chairboy of the board.  You may also see that guy who does all the commercials for dick surgery on the TV.  Lawrence Taylor and David Lee Roth have been known to sit in on a game.  What's that, you feel lucky?  I wipe my ass with your feelings.  OK I'll float you 10 boxes of ziti but I'm going to have to tack on 5 points a week and that's on top of the principle, capisce?  The vig's higher for you because you aren't blood.
You need some good lingo when playing at my poker table.  You need to be able to talk shit which is something you can't do on the internet poker.  You just sit there and watch a screen.  Here you talk to the other players.  Last game, I lay down 4 queens and I tell everyone that I eat more queens than Lancelot.  I guess you had to be there.  You have to make your moves faster than the internet and unlike the internet you have to look at your opponents.  Some times you make bad reads but remember a wrong decision is better than indecision.  It's better to lose a few chips than sit there like some stunad with your cazzo in your hand. 
My dad used to run this game and I inherited it.  Oh you should have seen those games.  I loved my dad and I feared him too mostly because his favorite child development tool was a belt.  For the longest time I thought my dad was a cowboy.  They told me he was in Montana working on a ranch.  Turned out he was in prison.
Another thing you may find that's better about playing in my card game than at the internet is the gabbagol.  That's right, you eat like some sort of barbaro.  You'd probably sit there and eat something like Pizza Hut.  Here, you get the bagel, the lox, the cream cheese.  We set out a spread.  Make sure you try the prosciut.  Also, if I let you in this game you can't make any mistakes on how you act.  You have to live by the old Italian saying, "You fuck up, you lose your teeth."  You know what?  I can't lend you money.  It's not that I don't have it, it's just that I couldn't bring myself to hurt you if you didn't pay me back.
You have any idea what certain people would do to me if they found out I was talking on this two-bit rag you call a blog?  OK, enough of this internet shit, those cookies make me nervous.  Fanabla, finook!  End of story.

Remember the views of the guest blogger or insinuations into his line of work do not reflect those of GodfatherofGreenBay.

Turns out Kemba Walker has only read one book in his entire collegiate career.  That bad part is that Jim Calhoun had to color it in for him first.

God, I love Madison because I overheard a lot of this stuff and said a few myself.  Can you imagine life inside the Palin household?  All Sarah does is bitch about this and that and never offers any solutions.  I feel bad for Todd.  She won’t get the GOP nomination but she will take everyone’s money who shells out $400 a plate to eat a dinner with her and $100,000 to have her speak at your capitol.  How is that fiscally responsible?  Oh and she’ll take all this money to give to all those people she pals around with on Wall Street and in the oil industry.  Sarah is to politics as to what Bristol is to abstinence.  Without catchphrases, Sarah Palin would have nothing to say.  So instead of saying things, she had to yell them over the boos of all the protesters.  Do the Tea Baggers embrace Bobby Jindal?  You know his mother was 4 months pregnant when she arrived in America so he wasn’t conceived here.  He can’t be American.  Jindal said he’d sign legislation that crossed his desk demanding presidential candidates show their birth certificate.  Maybe he should have asked Obama for the birth certificate when Obama was down there helping out with the oil spill.  You know the tea baggers are fighting for those 300 CEOs who earned more than $3billion dollars in the last fiscal year so they can become wealthier.  What CEO in his right mind would create jobs in America when he sees more dollar signs by creating foreign jobs?  So Donald Trump may or may not run.  He’s going to use his show’s finale to announce his campaign.  He’s already said that Herman Cain would make a good running mate but he actually meant a good butler.  If Donald Trump does get elected what is the over/under on the U.S. getting nuked by China?  I say 1 year.  So how can we trust a guy who has declared bankruptcy 5 times to get our country’s economy back in order?  The only things I have in common with Donald Trump are the facts that we both think we have a grasp on reality but are out of our minds and his hair piece resembles my pubes.  And if Trump is so insistent on Obama producing a birth certificate I am going to insist that he prove he has real hair.  Oh and why didn’t the GOP say nor do anything about all of Bush’s spending and why won't homeboy Paul Ryan explain why he voted for two wars?

I can’t believe my girlfriend didn’t see it coming.  Good thing she has an appointment with the eye doctor tomorrow.

When I was a senior in high school and didn’t want to study for tests but still had to take them even though I was on high honors, I answered every question with a form of “Because of Jesus”.  In German class I wrote, “Jesu tat dies.”

Why is it that whenever I eat a banana I think of porn?  The last time I was at a bar a woman tried to impress me with skills that she claimed were “porn star-esque”.  She tied a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue.  I threw a banana at her and told her to be realistic.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

Because of the closure of online poker sites, the amount of playing Facebook’s Farmville and Mafia Wars have increased 500%

Every time I go to a Walmart I have the urge to hop on the intercom and scream, “DO YOU GREASY FUCKS LOOK AT A MIRROR BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE?”  And of course, I have to say it in caps.

The worst part of being a sex symbol is that I find myself irresistible, that and the hand blisters.

A couple of weeks ago I was happy it was baseball season because you now had an excuse to be drunk before noon.  Now something happened to me last week and I have to ask if this is a problem.  Is it bad if you get cut off for drinking too much by the second inning of a Little League game?

There’s something magical about masturbating while wearing Harry Potter glasses and a wizard’s robe.  There’s also something magical about having sex with your boss.  Too bad I’m self-employed.

You are going to love all the 9/11 and Japanese earthquakes jokes I’ll be able to post in 2015 when we can laugh at that stuff.

After this storm it seems that all my joints ache.  Oh damn and it's 4/20...you can't have bad joints on 4/20.

The 10^th person to recommend this post gets and expired coupon for Burger King.

Xanga has a way of making me feel like I’m not the only guy sitting at home staring at a computer screen wearing nothing but underwear.

You don't care what I think.  Form your own opinions.  Now, even though I'm a day late, it's Caturday.

You hear about the warm reception we gave Palin on Saturday here in Wisconsin?

Yeah, I'm a dick like that.  You should know that's how I troll.

So today was quite an interesting day on Xanga.  This afternoon I was replying to comments on my blog entries and all of a sudden it said the pages didn't exist.  They had to exist because I was just replying to comments on that specific entry.  Well I guess it was about the same time that I noticed the newer themes on Xanga feature this new box for recommending comments.  That John guy said something was wrong with my look and feel of the blog so I changed my theme, the first time since I started Xanga.  I feel so weird with this new one.  Maybe I'll work on something new over the next few days if my computer will let me.  It looks as if Xanga has caught up with Facebook for a little while.  Oh and I watched a couple of movies I got at the library tonight...Little Fockers and My Name is Khan.  Oddly enough both of those movies made me cry.  On to the round-up

Prince Von Anhalt or as my friends at Twenty Mile Zone call him, Prince Von A-Hole, says that 94 year old Zsa Zsa Gabor wants to be a mother.  DEAR LORD THIS HAS TO BE A PUBLICITY STUNT!  Actually they are thinking of egg donation, artificial insemination, and a surrogate mother.  Seems sort of pointless for all that work.  Do you think she'd make it to the child's first birthday?

Zach Galifinakis appeared in GQ.  Way to keep it classy!  I wish I could have worked with this guy but oh well that's how life works.  I guess I'll have to settle for being Facebook bffs.

In a recent interview Vanessa Hudgens said the worst invention in the world was the internet because she claims it's ruining everyone and everything.  She's probably upset about all those nude pics that have been leaked but she shouldn't bite the hand that feeds because those leaked nude pics have kept her relevant since the internet also seems to show what terrible actresses people are.  99% of her reputation on the internet is nude pics and bad acting.  Which would you rather have on your resume?

Oh man, Suri Cruise already has a paparazzi face or maybe she's just constipated from all the Scientology approved food that Tom forces her to eat.  Tom probably stole those gummi penises for his own pleasure.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present a millionaire.  That's right, Snooki is a soon to be a millionaire as are the rest of the cast of Jersey Shore.  They got a raise.  Normally they would make $10,000 per episode of Jersey Shore but now they will be making $100,000.  This is the future of our great nation.  Each season is typically 13 episodes and also realize this is just the money they make per filmed episode and not what they make in worldwide distribution or from guest appearances or from endorsements...so are you vomiting yet?  Maybe we should pay them what they're worth, nothing, and take all that money and put it into the medical industry to combat all the STDs that have been spread because of that show.  You know the German philosopher Nietzche may have been on to something when he said "God is dead".

Sam Ronson took this photo after she was biking and fell off her bike.  At first I thought she may have "fell" into a fist belonging to her on again/off again girlfriend Lindsay Lohan but if she fell into her fist she'd be smiling.

So Russell Brand's movie "Arthur" tanked at the box office.  So why is he smiling?  He gets to go home and bang Katy Perry.

Nicole Ritchie is working on bringing her very own daytime TV talkshow to your television this fall and she's getting big support from an unlikely person, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who claims that Nicole has the right stuff to be the next Oprah.  OK this is just what we need, a spoiled, rich, drug addict giving life advice.  Yeah, I think most women can relate to that.  The only group she should be standing and speaking in front of is AA.

Awww....Mariah Carey is so happy and so damn sexy.  I'm just surprised she isn't spitting out breast milk because I think Nick Cannon is squeezing a little too hard on her udders.

Lady Gaga recently conducted an interview about her outlandish costumes.  When asked if she used prosthetics she said this: "Well, first of all, they're not prosthetics. They're my bones. They've always been inside of me, but I have been waiting for the right time to reveal to the universe who I truly am. They come out when I'm inspired. We all have these bones! They're the light from inside of us." And when asked if she's ever had plastic surgery: "I have never had plastic surgery, and there are many pop singers who have. I think that promoting insecurity in the form of plastic surgery is infinitely more harmful than an artistic expression related to body modification. And how many models and actresses do you see on magazine covers who have brand-new faces and have had plastic surgery, while I myself have never had any plastic surgery? I am an artist, and I have the ability and the free will to choose the way the world will envision me."  I think the interviewer had to have downed a bottle of Valium to put up with that nonsense.  The more I think of it, the more I'm convinced that Lady Gaga is a performance piece and one of these days Sasha Baron Cohen will rip-off the mask and give us the act that has topped Borat and Bruno.

During a recent game, Kobe Bryant had a technical foul called against him and while he was sitting on the bench he called the referee a "fucking faggot".  The league fined Bryant $100,000 for the comments.  I figure the fine was so high and Kobe isn't appealing because they don't want this overshadowing the playoffs.  Of course Perez Hilton weighed in and no one took him seriously because he uses that term quite regularly.  Why does Kobe need to apologize to Perez and GLAAD?  He didn't direct the comment at them.  $100K isn't that much to Kobe; he earns that much money every time he takes a piss.  And in honor of my first ever comment to be recommended: A black guy, a rapist, and a homophobe walked into a bar and everyone ran up to Kobe Bryant and asked for his autograph.

Oh Kim Kardashian...that can't be real, can it?  She needs to be listed as a modern wonder of the world.

Karina Smirnoff of Dancing with the Stars posed nude for Playboy.  Why do I want to see this spread?  Hef has said the photos are unforgettable which is quite a big deal since he's 85 and forgets things easily.  I look at those eyebrows and wonder if she's invested in Sharpies.

Ashley Tisdale posed for Allure magazine and taught Vanessa Hudgens how to pose nude.  You do it through some high class magazine and not a timed shot on a digital camera.  So what do you call that style of pose?  "Farting on toes"?  Kaley Cuoco also posed in Allure.  She's in that show about the nerds.  I don't know if she's been featured on the round up but then she hasn't posed naked or been in a sextape.  See, my standards are high.

Justin Bieber is going to get us all killed.  If things in the Middle East aren't bad enough, Bieber cause a political spat in Israel this week when he refused to visit Israeli children who were wounded in a Palestinian rocket attack.  For doing this Israel's Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu canceled a meeting with Bieber.  I don't like to make sweeping generalizations but that would be a lie so if the U.S. left the Middle East for good and let the place explode, I'd be OK with that.  You know Islam is a religion of peace and that is quite evident when you disagree with them or draw photos of their leader or take away their burqas or pouring acid on women for honor but then the same can be said of Christianity.  Sweeping generalizations are fun!  If Bieber wanted to do a concert in front of a bunch of childish Jews he should just do a show at the Federal Reserve.  I really don't know what's wrong with Bieber.  First he makes all those comments about God willing rape and now this.  He should take the Michael Jackson approach to children and never turn them down.  Speaking of Michael Jackson...

Justin Bieber was sent this tweet by NAMBLA...OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

Jennifer Lopez was named the world's most beautiful woman.  I demand a recount.  Did the world start spinning backwards and suddenly 1998 broke out?  I think there'd be a long list of others.

OK, Hayden Panettiere has been dating Vladimir Klitschko for quite some time and of course you think they probably have sex but this is where it gets awkward.  HOW DO THEY DO IT?  He's like 6'8" and she's barely 5 feet tall.  She said that fans asks her if they have sex and she says they find a way to make it work.  How weird would that be to see a person whose work you enjoy and the first thing you ask is "How do you have sex with your boyfriend?"  They probably are quite elaborate about it.  Vladimir lies on his back and then Hayden is lowered by a trapeze and leprechauns jump on trampolines on either side of the bed while a choir of mermaids sings in the background.  Isn't that how everyone does it?  Of course they just have to be careful not to rearrange her internal organs.

Haley Joel Osmet turned 23 this week.  Remember when he was the next big star?  Of course his career was ruined by drugs.  He smoked way too much weed.  Sadly, those clowns probably are getting more work than he is.

The cast of The Facts of Life reunited for some made up awards show for shows that never received awards when they aired.  I think that it was the TV Land Awards.  Anyway, you take the good, then you take the bad, then you take it all and you have a cast of old but still hot women...damn, look at Jo and Blair.

Christina Hendricks took to the stage for a production of the play "Company".  Her bra won an award for best supporting actress.  WOW!  How are those things held in place?  Neil Patrick Harris also won the best actor award because he played a straight guy.  How could he not just reach over and motorboat her?

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES...I am now having dreams of Patrick Bateman being resurrected and taking an axe to the cast of Glee starting with Ryan Murphy but then I guess that makes me a homophobe.

Bradley Cooper has been pegged to star in a remake of quite possibly my favorite movie, The Crow.  Hasn't Brandon Lee been through enough?  They say that The Crow series has been cursed so in that case maybe they should have Lady Gaga or Charlie Sheen serve as Cooper's stunt double.  Certain roles are defined by the person who plays them.  Brandon Lee will always be Eric Draven and they can remake this movie hundreds of times and Lee will always be the best.  If Bradley Cooper got shot and killed on the set of this remake it wouldn't be a loss because Hollywood could remake him easily...dirty blonde hair that gets whipped around and blue eyes and a smile that makes ladies faint...so how many actors did I just describe?

This has to be the best photo of Bob Barker ever captured on film. 

Last week I mentioned how there was a Miley Cyrus sex doll that was sold out within 48 hours.  Well this week the same company released one of Charlie Sheen and it sold out within 24 hours.  #notWinning? 

Oh Charlie Sheen...you're still doing that tour, right?  Last Friday, Sheen performed in NYC.  He was 35 minutes late and his show barely lasted an hour.  He was given a standing ovation when he appeared on stage but people walked out confused.  Ticket prices started at $110 and if he performed for an hour that means people paid $1.83 per minute to hear Sheen ramble and shout his catchphrases.  One person said that he hopes Sheen goes back to Two and a Half Men because Charlie Harper seems more stable than Charlie Sheen.  He's now milking his fame to avoid the unemployment line.  If people question why they parted with their hard earned money to see him perform here's the answer: they're stupid.  During a radio interview this week, Sheen said that he was in negotiations with Warner Bros. to get back on Two and a Half Men.  He said he was 85% certain he'd be back.  Well someone from Warner Bros. heard the comment and had a lawyer respond: "Those statements are false. As you know, there have been no discussions, there are no discussions and there will be no discussions, regarding his returning to or having any involvement with the series."  Since Tiger Blood and Adonis DNA don't exist in reality, Charlie Sheen is just a drug abusing liar whose using every situation he can to manipulate people to give him money.  The only way Charlie will see his name on Two and a Half Men is if he catches it in syndication.

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Ellen Page sure knows how to handle balls.  In related news, I love Ellen Page.  In related news, they used to call me "Eddie Torrez".

I hope everyone has a swell weekend.  Did you notice the new layout?