The weather here is insane.  I know I've been saying this repeatedly but it deserves repetition.  Sunday it was 80 degrees and then Monday and Tuesday it was around 50.  Wednesday it was 70.  Today...barely made it to 40.  I sprinted out of the house this morning without a coat.  I got to my destination and sprinted in so I never really noticed the cold.  Then at noon time I sauntered back to my car and the cold hit me.  I was shivering and I think people could tell through my shirt that I was cold.  I had an exciting lunch hour.  I bought a fishing license, got the mail, had a guy at the post office tell me I had a burnt out brake light, went to the city hall to reserve a city park, went to church to drop off some materials I've been working on, and then I ate.  I came home, stayed out of the cold, and played video games.  I rock.  I've built Iowa State into a football dynasty.  I saw The Office this evening.  I've been apprehensive to Will Ferrell joining the show but I have to say...I LOVED IT!  Anyway you don't read these little paragraphs so here are the links.

1.  I posted this one a long time ago before it was affiliated with tumblr.  It's one of the best Garfield comic strips ever.  It's called Garfield Minus Garfield.  They take Garfield out of the comic strip and somehow it's even better.  I can now totally relate to John Arbuckle.

2.  When I was in college and I was debating something I used to draw charts while I spoke.  I have this weird habit of making charts.  It just calms me and helps me organize.  Now imagine the boner I got when I saw this site called I Love Charts.  Welcome to my madness.  I wish I still had my folder of rap songs represented through charts.

3.  I enjoy this art site that is just a collection of random art submitted by random artists.  It's called eatsleepdraw.  You know, I'm giving credit to all these tumblrs but I never do that for Xangans.  I feel bad sometimes for doing that but I figure that if I didn't give credit to a certain Xangan they'd write horrible things about me anonymously.

4.  I think living in a free market has its disadvantages.  You have to put up with crap like this.  Seriously, who buys these things?

5.  Have you ever wondered when you'll die?  Well click here and you'll find out.  2/24/2031...damn, I'm going to get old.

6.  OK, I can't figure out if this site is real or not.  I want to say it's real but it probably started off as a joke.  As you may know, certain Christian groups have been caught up with the belief in the rapture despite this not being a Biblical event.  It was simply created by a failed Christian sex therapist.  Anyway businesses have been popping up for after rapture businesses.  I remember one that was for Christians who are taken away and a group would give messages written by the raptured to those who weren't taken to heaven.  Anyway, this one I found blew my mind.  It's After the Rapture Pet Care.  And people tell me that the church isn't a money-making scheme.  Can't people just believe?  But this goes against what St. Disney said with the movie "All Dogs Go to Heaven".

7.  Dustin Diamond played Screech on Saved by the Bell and he has had such a rough career after those shows were canceled.  Well to antagonize Diamond, someone set up a series of websites about Diamond being homosexual and how the authors had gay fantasies about Screech.  Well here is one of those sites.  It's probably not safe for work.

8.  OK, I have to admit two things here.  First, this evening I did some measurements and found out something on my body is 1 inch above the average length.  Second, I love women and I love superheros.  Now, combine the two and I am very happy.  Here's a collection of girls dressed as Spiderman.  Oh and that measurement wasn't what you think.  It was the distance from the tip of my pinky to the tip of my thumb.

9.  I remember when I was a kid and I saw this old pirate movie and the main character had a peg leg and then the next movie had the same actor but he was now a gangster and he had two legs.  I asked my dad if he cut his leg off for the movie.  My dad laughed and said I was stupid.  Love.  Anyway, here's a list of prosthetic limbs used in movies.  Personally I thought Steve Martin's was real.

10.  Something something something S'Mores fashioned to be a keyboard blah blah blah so hungry.

11.  A while back I made a pulse about how Eric Holder was harassing my family.  People asked and I pointed them to CNN.com.  I don't know if people read the article.  It was about a huge mob bust in New York.  Here's a collection of some of the nicknames of guys who were busted.  I really can't wait to see Baby Fat Larry and Vinny Carwash and Cheeks and Johnny Cash be exonerated of all charges because we all know there is no such thing as the mafia.

12.  If you have ever thought of putting one of your pets in a bikini, you ought to be locked up. Animals get embarrassed when they are dressed that way.  Just look at these embarrassed animals wearing bikinis.

13.  Did you wish Nattata a happy birthday?

I mentioned this on my Twitter and thank god I'm not the only one that sees a resemblance.

Hey everybody, look, it's Mowen Wilson.

And guess which had sold more copies...

Yeah haters gonna hate but I'd also hate looking like a gigantic paper sack.

You know this whole Xanga Secrets fiasco means shit to her.  You should have seen what Delores did back in the day when Mabel stole her boyfriend.

Remember the good old days when gas was $2 a gallon?

There seems to be four formulas for writing blogs on Xanga.  One formula is to present a situation or story and then to ask a question of the readers.  Another formula is the rant.  Some people are quite excellent with the rant and this is all they blog.  Another formula is the artistic post.  People write stories, poems, post music or post artwork that that they have painted.  The final formula is the advice column.
The first formula isn't quite my style.  My professors in college, doctors of education, said it was great to ask children questions and let them find the answer for themselves but you need to provide guidance and not just stand back and let all hell break loose.  Rants are great and I have tried them but usually I rant when my blood pressure is high or I have had about enough of idiocracy in my life.  Art isn't my thing.  I struggle with creating anything that might be called artistic.  I think writing or comedy is my art and that has been called into question. 
So that leaves me with the advice column.  It's simple, just like me.  I am going to attempt an advice column however I cannot do this alone.  I scoured the internet looking for a writing partner but my quest turned up nada.  I was sitting in my living room when the perfect candidate popped up.  I hope my co-author will rise to the occasion and give you much pleasure. 

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and fellow Xangans, I now expose my co-author of this advice column:

My Cock

Cocky McCockburns

Me: We started writing these two years ago and I see so many people make the "cock" joke.
Cocky:  OH and I suppose you're going to take credit for it?  Sort of like the person on Xanga who took credit for inventing the interview?
Me: No, but I've grown tired of not getting on the front page.
Cocky: Oh God, Xanga envy.
Me: No it's just that you see posts that get there where the person put absolutely no effort into the post but for some reason it makes it to the top.
Cocky: Maybe you need to quit being a little bitch, grow a pair of balls, and kiss some ass by making friends.
Me: But that would sell out my ideals.
Cocky: This coming from a guy who masturbates to music videos on MTV Jams.
Me: Anyway...Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Cocked, locked and ready to unload.
Me: Excellent...and now a word from our sponsors.

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Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I have a friend whose wife is expecting their first child.  He just told me about an extramarital affair he was having with a 16 year old girl.  I was angered and reminded him of his wife at home.  He said that he had a moral lapse of reason.  Should I remain friends with him?  Should I write an anonymous letter to his wife explaining the affair?
                                         Conundrum in Coon Valley
Me: First of all, your friend is a moral zero.  If I was you I would dump this friend. 
Cocky: The best way to dump someone is with a good old punch to the throat....it feels great to bring back that piece of advice.
Me: As for the anonymous letter, they accomplish nothing.  If you are concerned sit down with his wife and explain what is bothering you.  If he is out fucking teenagers then he is risking exposure to the wife and future child with disease amongst other things.
Cocky:  Yeah, you also get your friend to give you that girl's number and send her over my way so I can peck her eyes out for homewreckin'.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I always give a lot to my relationships, my husband, family members, and friends. I am starting to resent this because I don’t get much back. I hardly ever get what I really want.  What should I do?
                                          Pissed Off in Plum City
Me: Everyone should have boundaries.  Relationships such as the ones you mention are like volleyball.  You serve and you get a volley back unless you are an adult serving against grade schoolers.  Sometimes you serve two or three times but get nothing back but there should be equal generosity in return.  You can expect not to get much back from three groups: babies, teenagers, and the elderly.
Cocky: Don't listen to him.  What you do is this: you do something nice for a family member or friend or husband and if they don't give you instant respect or appreciation, you grab them by the shirt and scream, "RESPECT ME!" And if they don't apologize then you punch them in the throat.
Me: Oh so Cocky, you're sounding like a broken record recommending that throat punch.
Cocky: You bitch...pot kettle black...VOLLEYBALL!  VOLLEYBALL!  I am so mad that I am going to start spitting here.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I am a college student and I am a romantic at heart.  I am preparing a meal for a girl and I want a movie to watch afterward.  Do you have any recommendations?
                                        Dater in DeSoto
Me: Well I can tell you one movie to avoid...The Princess Bride.  I watched that with a girl in college and halfway through she was talking of marriage.  At that time I was of a sound mind and was freaked out by her "proposal".  I think the best movies to watch would be in the PG or PG-13 comedy genre.  Whatever you do make sure you watch the movie before you view it with your date.
Cocky: The movie you want to watch with a date is 9½ Weeks.  With that movie, you get dinner plus a show!  If that doesn't work try Pink Floyd's The Wall but make sure you load up your meal with morning glory seeds and also make sure if you view that one, the red wine which you use should actually be Robotussin.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
What do you guys do to beat the heat?
                        Hot in Hustisford
Me: Well my strategy for beating the Heat will be to expose LeBron James.  Get him frustrated shooting and he will shut down.
Cocky: The weather, moron, the weather.
Me: Oh, I like to take a dip in the local lake when it isn’t flooded.
Cocky: Yeah, it also doubles as fishing because the Godfather goes naked and the fish try to bite his little worm.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
If I got a prostate exam on Valentines Day, do I need to send the doctor roses?
                                         Confused in Coloma
Me: Typically I don't think that is standard practice but I'm of the opinion that it's alright to give anyone flowers so I would say send the doctor flowers.  Maybe send some brown carnations.
Cocky: Only if you didn't blow him.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I'm a single mother and my son is 14 years old.  We live in a two bedroom apartment.  One afternoon, I had just gotten home from work and walked past my son's room.  His door was open and I thought I'd say hell but to my shock he was sitting on his bed masturbating.  I walked back out and didn't say anything.  I have a difficult time talking to me son about this.  Should I talk to him?
                                         Catcher in Castle Rock
Me: I've had this problem myself.  See when I was in college I had this odd predicament.  I would always walk in on friends masturbating in their dorm rooms and dorm bathroom.  It was always awkward but over time things became normal.  You have to tread lightly with this one.  I might bring it up that he feel free to close his door if he doesn't want to be disturbed and if it happens again then maybe you want to bring it up that he should do that in privacy and not when your around and if you are then he should make sure his door is shut and locked.
Cocky:  The best way to get him to stop and never do it again would be to critique his form.  Believe me it works.  Why just the other day I told the godfather he should use a little more lube and lighten his grip or else his hand would be locked in that position forever.  It's a wonder he can even type this.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I've been having these dreams about being pregnant as of late.  Every single night I'm dreaming about having a baby or being pregnant.  The strange thing is that I'm now late but I haven't had sex in months.  Can you get pregnant by thinking about it?
                                         Knocked Up in New Brunswick
Me: Seriously?  This is why we need comprehensive sex education in public schools.
Cocky:  Yes, that and we also should no longer accept questions from Canadians.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
How do you get that hot guy to notice you?
                                          Hot(?)Girl in Hoboken
Me: Well the best way is to show interest in the guy and be sincere about this interest.  Also when you are around him don't be something you are not.  Be yourself and if he doesn't like you for who you are then he isn't worth your time even if he is "hot".
Cocky: Hey, what do you know?  I'm going to be in New Jersey tomorrow so maybe you and I should discuss this up close and personal.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
A friend of mine says that the hottest thing a girl has ever done with him in bed is pouring maple syrup all over her body and then having sex.  What is the hottest thing a girl can do in the bedroom?
                                       Syrup Sucker in Saskatoon
Me: Women's magazines have been answering this question for years so I think it's appropriate that we finally handle the topic.  I think this varies from man to man.  Some men like the oral play and others enjoy the anal play both the giving and receiving ends.  Some men like to be bit while kissing.  Some enjoy lingerie.  Some enjoy dirty talk.  Some enjoy just hearing a woman say she wants sex.  For some men it's a certain position.  Some men like it when ice cubes are incorporated and some enjoy multiple partners.  My point?  You should ask your lover what he likes or what drives him wild.  Men will be more than happy to tell you and if he says he doesn't know, try to find it through practice.
Cocky:  I thought we said no more questions from Canadians.

Dear Godfather and Cocky,
I like having free time on the weekends.  My job is demanding and the weekends are my time for down time and relaxing.  My girlfriend wants me to spend more time with her family.  How do I get out of spending time with them?
                                         Hiding in Horicon
Me: Honestly, I would advise against this.  Your girlfriend is proud of you and wants to show you off to her family.  I don't think that is too much to ask of you unless her family is a group of serial rapists.  Then I might tell you to invest in a chastity belt.  Some guys would kill for the things you have.  Now be a good boyfriend and spend time with the future in-laws.
Cocky:  Don't listen to the Godfather.  If your girlfriend needs you to spend time with her folks then she must have character flaws.  She should be spending her weekends waiting on you hand and foot because you lavish her with the money gained from your stressful job.  Going out with her parents isn't spending time in the kitchen or bedroom.  The next time she drags you along to a dinner with her parents.  Ask her mom over the main course if she'd like to join you and your girlfriend for a threesome.

Me: OK, I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

  And if you have any questions for Cocky and myself, you can send them to Formspring or email them to--
Cocky: Me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
Me: OR send me a message here at Xanga.
Cocky:  Also if you have ever posed nude and want your photos kept safe make sure you email them to me at advicewithcocky@gmail.com
Me: Cocky, you are such a dick.
Cocky : Wrong!  I'm a cock. 

Rec or die!

I showered, shaved, trimmed, and lotioned.  Now I’m exhausted.  How do porn stars do it?  Yes, I wanted to be a porn star but didn’t think I could whack it.  I wouldn’t be hired, there’s some stiff competition out there.

Now for your weekly dose of motivation:

In my recent driver’s license photo I’m crying because this way the police will believe me when I say I’m speeding to get home to make self-deprecating jokes on the internet.

Were manila envelopes invented in the Philippines?

I may be having surgery so my doctor insisted I shave my pubes.  Why do you need to shave there for knee surgery?

If I had a nickel for every time I said, “if I had a nickel,” then I’d have 10 cents for this post.

“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” -Me talking about my exgirlfriend with some other dude who will be saying that same thing in a couple of weeks.

Remember when teachers, public employees, planned parenthood, and PBS crashed the stock market, wiped out half of our 401Ks, took trillions in TARP money, spilled oil in the Gulf of Mexico, gave themselves billions in bonuses, and paid no taxes? Yeah, me either.

Sadly, on the bingo card of life I’m the free space because I am always left unclaimed.

This weekend was quite interesting.  I got my haircut Friday afternoon so now it doesn't look like my mom mated with a baboon.  As I described in my Celebrity Round-Up, I went shoe shopping.  I have to go to a shop about an hour or so away from my house because they deal all sizes mostly because the owner does a lot of business with the University of Wisconsin, in fact this guy almost got the Badgers put on sanctions from the NCAA because of how he was gifting players with shoes.  I walk through this store with the eyes of a kid in a candy store.  I'm like that.  I'm like the stereotype of the woman shoe shopper but I'm that way because I can't find shoes in my size at your rinky-dink stores.  I make my rounds.  Hmmm do I completely sell my soul to the devil and purchase a pair of Crocs?  Do I need a pair of workboots?  Do I need new football cleats?  Do I need golf shoes?  Oh wow, snake skin boots, I wonder if they will fit my calf and if not I wonder if rattlesnakes will become endangered if they make me a pair.  Wow, this shark skin feels softer than the ostrich skin.  Oh there's the sandals.  Summer is quickly approaching.  I think I need a pair of black shoes and a pair of another.  Sweet.  They have a pair in the bargain area in my size.  16 4E.  Oh and a pair of all black hightops in a 164E?  Why thank you?  And a Madison Mallards hat with their original logo?  SWEET!  Overall it was a good trip. 

Saturday I was driving around, don't ask me why.  I run this town so I have to represent and let the townsfolk know I have their best interests at heart.  I happened across a garage sale of a World War II vet who was selling off a lot of stuff.  He had a garage sale a few years ago and I had eyed a particular item but his price was a bit high for me at the time.  I walk up and he pulls out his Japanese saber that he took off a dead Japanese soldier.  "I know you want this."  "How much this year?" "$25."  "Shit...deal!"  So I drive home and put it in my weapons cabinet.  It's now between my replica samurai sword and my 12 gauge shotgun.  I need to get some photos of the sword and my weapons and my shoes for a little old vlog tonight.

Saturday evening I didn't do much other than watch Crazy Heart and make a Caturday post.  See people think I hate Maggie Gyllenhaal.  I can't watch anything with her because someone that was a real big part of my life for some time is her twin and it pains me to see her and think of the "what if" thoughts.  I fell asleep longing.

Sunday I did the church thing and what not.  I find it easier to sit alone in the balcony because it helps me concentrate and I don't see the people whispering about what they're having for lunch, those who are sleeping, or those who are reading magazines or something other else not church related.  After church I went to an aunt's house for lunch.  She wanted me to come over because she needed to make room in her freezer and apparently since I'm fat then I must be a food disposal system.  She made taco salad, parsnips, roasted potatoes, roasted squash and zucchini, corned beef, baked chicken, and freshly baked bread.  I sat there about ready to explode and then she brings out a blueberry cheesecake that was covered in blueberries on the top and bottom.  After I finished that I went to sit down and I fell asleep while watching Bait Car on TruTV.  My mom and aunt wake me up and say they want to go for a ride.  We drove all these backroads and there were a few times that I heard the Deliverance banjos.  Driving around these country areas I noticed there were still patches of snow.  We ended up at a state park.  I love that place and they have this really awesome land bridge/road that crosses a lake and on the sides there are rocks and people sit on the rocks to fish.  Well my mom and aunt are rolling down their windows and shouting "Are they biting?  You catching anything?"  I wanted to hide especially when they yelled at two guys wearing patches for a local motorcycle gang that has been featured on History Channel's Gangland.  After a long drive, I get home and lay down and turn on the TV.  The area where I had been driving got hit with a severe storm that included tornadoes. 

After watching some tv I fell asleep.  I can't believe I'm admitting to this but I was having Xanga dreams.  Oh they were fun but I won't go into specifics because Google adsense is a family oriented deal.  They will break up with you if you give sex advice.  WTF?  If it wasn't for sex, then there'd be no families.  They were offended by my photos of Kirsten Davis.  I'm offended by Sex in the City but I don't block it from my TV.  If I could I would.  Oh well, there goes a few bucks a month.  I guess it's back to gambling for the godfather.  If you follow my Twitter and you totally should because it's the cool thing to do, you'll know what happened next but play along, please.  I hear one of my cats crying and it sounded weird.  It was muffled and I feared that she had crawled underneath my blanket and couldn't find her way out.  I woke up and there was Lua sitting on my coffee table with a mouse in her mouth.  "SHIT!"  She dropped it and it took of running so the rest of the night my cats and I are hunting for a mouse.  I set up some mouse traps around the house.  I was thinking I should get my CO2 pistol involved but I'd probably shoot up my house and if I'd miss I'd get frustrated and grab the 12 gauge.

It was 50 today after it being 80 yesterday.  Wisconsin, I love it. 

TL;DR I did some stuff, bought some stuff, ate food, cats caught a mouse, hate weather.  Now is the part where you laugh.

But are the eggs "being"?

I don't know why but this makes me laugh like a madman.

It's a yodeling pickle.  While the Jolly Green Giant was out plowing the fields of LeSuer his wife was at home working with this pickle.

My mom stops on green or at least slows down when she gets to a green light so she thinks the traffic lights are bananas.

I'm OK with girls stoning me but I don't like when things that appear to be sperm are hurled at me.

You really get what you pay for at the Dollar Tree.

Why can't I be driving a monster truck when I need to?

I think I'd be wary of eating here.

Ummm shouldn't we look into false advertising here?

Yeah, that's about right.

God, they're such pigs.

WORD PLAY!

I'll be back later this evening with a homework assignment for you.

It's a good movie but I have an arduous time watching it because of Maggie Gyllenhaal.

The movie review is over and now it's time for Caturday!

Have a great Caturday!

I went shoe shopping this evening.  How awesome is that?  It's so difficult for me to find shoes so I had to go down to a store by Madison to shop.  I found this pretty swank pair of ADIDAS that I thought would be the perfect shoe for church.  They were all red high tops.  I tried them on and realized they were too small and of course they were in the bargain area so it was unlikely they would have a larger size.  That was already a large size pair...a 16.  I was looking through some other pairs and found New Balance but nothing in my size.  They were mostly 18s and 19s...the sizes most people don't buy.  I did find a walking shoe in a 16 EEEE.  That fit so I bought it.  I also bought myself a new pair of all black New Balance high tops.  16 EEEE.  My shoe size has went up in the last couple of years.  I'd hate to see what I'd be wearing in a Nike, probably an 18 or 19.  Oh and I also got myself a nice Madison Mallards hat.  I almost have more hats from Northwoods League teams than from MLB teams.  Time for the round-up

Wendy Williams posted this lovely photo on her Twitter this week before she was eliminated from Dancing with the Stars.  Ugh...gross...that blister...but I guess this means that everything on Wendy is round and plump.

Tina Fey announced that she is 5 months pregnant.  She announced this on Oprah this week.  I wish Oprah would have played up to how she was portrayed on 30 Rock.  "LIZ LEMON IS HAVING A BABY AND SO ARE YOU AND YOU AND YOU...A BABY!"  Honestly, I thought she was already Tracy Morgan's mother.  How much do you want to bet she gives her child a name after a comedian?

Snooki was recently paid $32,000 for an appearance and this appearance was unlike any she's ever done.  She went to Rutgers University to discuss the Jersey Shore lifestyle.  Oh and Rutgers booked the Nobel Prize winner, Toni Morrisson, for the May commencement and will pay her $30,000.  You know this is fitting since the highest paid state employee in New Jersey is the Rutgers football coach.  If they invite Snooki to campus and pay her 32 grand, they should double that money amount in condoms that are given to students.  What better way to battle the reputation that Rutgers is a campus crawling with VD than to invite Snooki to talk about her lifestyle?  Imus was right when he said Rutgers attracts nappy-headed hoes.  Hopefully Snooki uses that money to get her tubes tied.  Oh well, she's not that bad because I'll actually sing her praises later in this post.  If I wanted to hear an idiot babble, I'd watch whoever's speaking on CSPAN.

Jersey Shore will never die.  This week MTV announced that they are developing two Jersey Shore spin-offs.  Pauly D will be given a show that will follow him as he works in the music industry.  JWoww and Snooki will also have a show that follows them as they struggle with their love lives.  All we can do is lure them to Italy to view the Leaning Tower of Pisa and have the real Italians push it over to crush them.  It's a small price to pay for STD eradication and the end of Jersey Shore.

Selma Blair took time out of her busy schedule to pose with Sarah Jessica Parker.  Awww...pregnant lady in a staged photo with a horse...oh well....awwww

A while back I made mention of how the Farrelly brothers were going to bring The Three Stooges back to film and that they cast Benecio del Toro as Moe, Sean Penn as Larry, and Jim Carrey as Curly.  Well those plans fell through and now Sean Penn is slapping Scarlet Johannson's boobs and Jim Carrey is doing the Curly shuffle while tripping on the proverbial LSD that is his website.  Well the Farrelly brothers have announced they are going to do the movie but with a new cast.  So far they have cast Sean Hayes from Will & Grace as Larry.  They also cast former MAD TV actor Will Sasso as Curly.  Maybe they could get Lady Gaga to play Moe to keep with the random casting.  Or maybe they could get me.  I thought Sean Hayes was doing theater in one act plays at the Al Ringling Theater in Baraboo, WI.  And the last I saw of Will Sasso, he was on a TV show based on a Twitter account.  God, I would given anything to see Sean Penn get slapped around.

I have been writing the last few weeks about the heterophobe Ryan Murphy.  He's the heterophobe who slammed the bands Kings of Leon, Foo Fighters, and Guns N Roses for not letting him bastardize their music on the shit TV that is Glee.  Well this week, in an act of desperation because he knows the show is sinking, he apologized.  He said that he was in the wrong and that it is the artist's choice to license their music but he still thinks it would be cool to have kids introduced to the parent's music through Glee.  That would be the opposite for me.  My parents would be introduced to my music if they watched that crappy show.  Even though he and Perez called members of Kings of Leon homophobes for not letting them use their music, Murphy said that there's nothing diabolical about them.  He also said that when he said "fuck you" to the Kings of Leon, that's not what he meant to say.  He meant to say that artists have the choice but he was disappointed.  Sure it is, heterophobe.  Members from the Kings of Leon did the Christian thing and forgave him.  So everything is copacetic and Ryan Murphy realized that he got owned by Dave Grohl.  This doesn't mean I'm going to watch Glee.  Dear god, no, I hate that shit.  I tried to watch it and just couldn't.  Let this be a lesson to all aspiring TV show creators, don't wait 3 months to pass before you issue a half-assed apology.

This is Ryan Kwanten.  He's the halfwit on True Blood.  This week he saved a man's life.  He was out driving and saw a man lying in the middle of the road and covered in blood so he pulled over and made sure no vampires would try to suck up the blood and called the paramedics.  Ryan stayed with the man until the ambulance arrived.  Whatever.  I saw a lady in a wheelchair roll off the curb and I pretended really hard that I saved her.  Where's my medal or women drooling over me?  I have that muscle development and that vee thing but it's just covered by my beer belly.

Speaking of beer bellies...Russell Crowe turned 47 this week and it looks like he's very happy to be celebrating or maybe it's just cold.

Paris Hilton's mom recently said that Paris is the original reality star and that Kim Kardashian once worked for Paris.  Yeah, work it Kim!  Well she's partly correct.  Paris was the original attention whore.  Remember COPS and the Real World were out a long time before Paris hit the scene.  About the only thing you can say Paris inspired was nightvision sex videos and condom use for fear of STDs.

Hey, Orlando Bloom, cool it there, buddy.  You're riding a bike in the streets Pasadena not Iraq.  I don't even think they wore that much gear in The Hurt Locker. 

It was inevitable.  A company in the UK released a sex doll parody of Miley Cyrus and within 48 hours it was sold out.  Miley is upset and there is a lawsuit pending.  She shouldn't be upset.  It's not like they got someone ugly for the box.  I'd rather bang the cardboard box instead of Miley.  In totally related news, Billy Ray Cyrus now has all his Christmas shopping completed.  ACHY LOVE HOLES!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Miley Cyrus is back on Twitter.  LIAR!  She said she was finished with Twitter for good.  LIAR!  She said she came back for two reasons.  One being her fans and the other so that she can follow Charlie Sheen.  GOD!  That is just what this world needs...Miley Cyrus hooked up with Charlie Sheen.  The media would implode if that happened.  News anchors would have strokes on live TV.  She has only been back about a week and she's already posted her constipated trying to drop the kids off at the pool pose or as some people call it the pucker or as it more accurately looks...a duckface.  She's also told us via Twitter that Charlie Sheen has inspired her to be more open with her life.  #NotWinning

This photo of Mickey Rourke is for one of my favorite Xangans.  I hope this photo will lure the specific Xangan out of hiding.  Here we see Mickey wearing some spandex.  And you thought you'd seen the last of Mickey in these posts.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!  That was my evil supervillain laugh.

I don't know why but this is so hot.  Mariah Carey posed for this cover of Life and Style.  Damn.  I have a feeling that more pregnant women are going to do poses like this.  Hint hint hint.  I wonder if Sears will let women pose nude.  Mariah said that during the photo shoot her daughter or at least the baby she thinks is her daughter was kicking the entire time and Mariah thinks this means she'll be a diva.  I'm just glad that the fathers don't pose proudly displaying their working junk.  I sometimes dislike seeing all the baby photos on Facebook because it's just one child.  I once posted a photo of a me in a shirt that evidence that I could be the father of a few million children but I took it down when I realized I didn't want people to know I have knuckle children.

A movie about the life of Charles Manson and the murder of Sharon Tate is in the works and Lindsay Lohan has been given the role of Sharon Tate.  Hasn't she suffered enough?  I almost feel sorry for Roman Polanski because of the choice to play his former love.  Sharon Tate was beautiful and Lindsay Lohan is a coked-out whore.

Leann Rimes performed the National Anthem at the NCAA men's basketball championship this week in Houston, TX.  I guess not everything is bigger in Texas.  And of course people saw her and immediately took to Twitter and said she was anorexic.  And of course, Leann has fired back on Twitter with this: 

Yes, Leann Rimes posted this photo in defense of her claims that she's not anorexic.  She also has combated her concerned fans by saying that she likes to eat cookies and pizza.  She also likes to devour men's hearts and shit them out by cheating on her husband.  Reading her Twitter feed is pretty sickening because the woman doth protest too much.  I can't really tell if she is anorexic from this photo.  I'm more distracted by that belly button.  Is that a third eye?  I don't know why she is so defensive on Twitter.  Just post #fuckoff when someone questions your weight.  She needs to realize that every time she goes on Twitter and fires off a text she burns 500 calories.  I'm not a scientist or anything so do come back and say you didn't lose any weight when you tweet.

You know how you can tell Kim Kardashian comes from old money?  That bag she's carrying after her workout at the gym is a $15,000 Birkin bag.  Damn...she's so wasteful, Kim should consider entering politics.

It was revealed this week that in order to combat boredom, Ke$ha has taken up painting and not painting with a brush but painting with her naked body.  She covers herself in paint and then rolls around on a canvas.  That seems pretty mundane for a modern day pop star.  She needs to up the ante.  Maybe she should be painting with menstrual blood and semen because Lady Gaga's perfume is scented like blood and semen.  Lady Gaga wore a dress made of meat so Ke$ha should wear a dress made of aborted fetuses.  So many pop stars have sex tapes, well Ke$ha should go a step further and release a snuff film.  YES!

Katie Couric is probably leaving CBS when her contract expires although she has been in negotiations with the network.  She's also been negotiating with CNN for her own show.  I have a feeling that Katie will go to CNN and replace that boring British guy who replaced Larry King.  God that show sucks.  And then, Matt Lauer, who said he's finished with the Today Show at the end of his contract this year and won't return for anything less than $25million a year will replace Katie on CBS.  God...did anyone else just throw up in their mouths?  I did.

JEEZ!  Kathy Griffin please use some sunscreen.  My retinas are burning.  At least they aren't nude shots.  What?  There's nude photos?  Check for yourself...I'm not posting Kathy Griffin nude photos here.

This photo of Kate Hudson was taken this week.  Kate is a few months pregnant.  She was spotted out on the town with her boyfriend Matt Bellamy who is the frontman of the Radiohead tribute band Muse.  She's still drinking...A LOT.  There are many studies that say that drinking in moderation isn't harmful but why push it.  I don't think it's safe to drink that much but then I'm not a doctor.  We all know drinking alcohol causes babies to be made but then she's already pregnant so I guess it's a wash.

Kate Gosslein is being sued by her former marriage counselor for unpaid sessions in the amount of $10,000.  In Kate's defense, the marriage counselor didn't work because she ended up getting divorced.  If Kate needs to raise money she should just exploit her children some more or auction off Jon's balls which she keeps in a jar over her fireplace.  I'm sure there's some sort of celebrity memorabilia collector out there that would be interested.

A while back, I read the Hunger Games trilogy.  It was a very entertaining series.  I first heard about the book in my ESPN Magazine when they were talking about upcoming sports films.  Yes, ESPN considered The Hunger Games to be a sport.  God, look out for their future programming.  Anyway this week some of the cast for the movie had been revealed.  Starting from left...Jennifer Lawrence will play Katniss Everdeen.  Lawrence is 20 and has been nominated for an Oscar for her work in Winter's Bone.  Josh Hutcherson will be playing Peeta Mellark.  Hutcherson has been in Firehouse Dog, RV, Bridge to Teribithia, and The Kids are Alright.  He's also in the upcoming remake of Red Dawn.  Liam Hemsworth probably best known for banging Miley Cyrus and starring in The Last Song will play Gale Hawthorne.  The movie will be directed by Gary Ross who has given us Pleasantville and Seabiscuit.  He also is directing a film adaptation of The Phantom Tollbooth, another movie which gives me an anticipation boner.  The Hunger Games will release in March of 2012...thank god it's releasing before the world ends.

Hugh Hefner is not making his fiance Crystal Harris sign a pre-nup before they get married in 10 weeks.  Hef is worth $43million and is 84 years old.  Crystal is 24 and now worth $43million.  I think the first sign Hef should have had her sign the pre-nup is that he has clothes older than her.  Golddiggers all over the world rejoiced.  Oh who cares, Hef is just happy with silk pajamas, Viagra, Werther's Originals, and barely legal breasts.  If she divorces him in a year, it's not like he'll remember it.  He's 84. 

Courtney Cox and David Arquette reunited their marriage in the happiest place on earth, Disney World.  Here they are with their daughter Coco.  I think we should sue Disney World for false advertising.  It's not the happiest place on earth.  How could it be when they charge $30 for jelly beans and they don't sell good booze?

Hey, Ashley Judd, you have a little something on your face.  Yeah, why don't you go powder your nose some more.  Maybe she's just bringing back the slapstick bakery comedy like on I Love Lucy.  Here I'm a fool and think she f'ed up her coke.

Amanda Bynes turned 25 this week.  God, I remember when she was on that show and all covered in slime.  You know, someone just wants to photoshop this photo.

Alec Baldwin said he is finished with 30 Rock when his contract expires after the 2012 season.  He also said that he hopes the show ends when he leaves but then a little while later in an article he wrote for Huffington Post he said he hopes the show goes on and could see potential storylines like Kenneth running the network, Jenna getting a talkshow, Tracy becoming mayor of New York and then resign to raise exotic reptiles, and Liz Lemon will do just about anything.  Then he ended the article with "Here's to five more seasons."  It sounds like someone gave Alec a talking to.  Also if I'm an NBC exec and because we are last in ratings, I take all of those examples he gave and start making the spin-offs.  There's only so much Biggest Loser we are able to tolerate.

Adrianne Curry is in Hawaii for a friend's wedding and in true Adrianne Curry she had to take to Twitter to show that she must be the center of attention.  Thank you, Twitter.  This looks like a familiar pose but I think Adrianne won this round.  Adrianne's slideshow will be much more interesting than my aunt's slideshow of the Grand Canyon.  No matter how hard you try, you just can't fap to the Grand Canyon.

Coco posted this photo on her Twitter this week.  Thank you, Twitter.  Coco has given us Thong Thursday.  She posted this photo on Tuesday which she now calls Titty Tuesday.  Thank you, Twitter.  I'm trying to figure out if that is an actual shirt that's just really tight or if it's spray paint.  My money is on boobs and either way WE ALL WIN!  #Winning.

Amy Winehouse, who hasn't been here in a LONG time, recently told friends that she's getting healthy so that she can have a baby with her boyfriend.  I don't think the Fukushima 50 would bang her without a condom.  Well, I don't care and I say, "Mazel Tov!"  The only downside to Amy having a baby would be that after she breastfeeds her child, the baby will need to go to rehab because one thing I learned this week is that milk stays tainted after exposure.

Charlie Sheen's tour launched this week.  The Torpedo of Truth Tour looked more like it would be a torpedo to the bottom of the ocean.  Entertainment Weekly was on-hand for his first show in Detroit and they say the show sucked before Charlie even took the stage.  The opening comedian was booed off the stage and Charlie had to come out to tell the people to give the guy a chance but they didn't so he left.  They said the show was a mess of random movie clips and Charlie repeating his catch-phrases over and over again although the kissing goddesses looks like it would be interesting but then that is pretty much their job.  EW posted a timeline of the show and here is a sample:
9:20 — People start booing Sheen. Not playing around, but actually booing him. Sheen yells, “I already got your money, dude!”

9:23 — We are watching video of Charlie Sheen playing Call of Duty.

9:35 — The show has become a padded and disjointed mess. Sheen plays an old short film he made called RPG starring a young Johnny Depp but the audience gets frustrated and starts booing. Sheen stops the video and says, “Okay, so RPG was a bomb. Tonight is an experiment.” One is reminded of Torpedo of Truth’s subtitle on the marquee outside: “Defeat is not an option.”

9:40 — Sheen says he’s going to “Tell some stories about crack. I figured Detroit was a good place to tell some crack stories.” This comment, not surprisingly, does not go over well. “Show of hands who here has tried crack?” Very few people raise their hand. “I don’t do crack anymore, but this is a good f—ing night to do some crack.” The audience boos.

9:43 — Sheen tells the audience, “You paid your hard-earned money without knowing what this show was about.” He asks if people have any questions. A girl from the audience asks for his best pornstar story. Sheen doesn’t want to tell that one. He’s starts telling a story about getting his car stolen — he says the story involves crack — but nobody wants to hear it. Another woman asks for a hug. He gives it to her and that’s nice — pretty much the whole audience could use one at this point.

9:50 — The show appears to be almost over. More padding, rap tributes to Sheen from YouTube. He plays a video that intercuts his 20/20 interview with new footage of him being obnoxious to Andrea Canning. It’s amusing at first, but drags on too long.

10:03 — The show is now an unmitigated disaster. There’s a fairly steady stream of people leaving early. Attendee Chris Acchione, a self-described Sheen fan who traveled all the way from Toronto for the show, says his entire mezzanine row walked out. “He’s making a fool of himself,” he says. “Is there a bigger loser in the world? He’ll be [begging] Chuck Lorre for his job back by the end of the week.”

So what's the opposite of winning?  Tickets were anywhere from $80 to $600.  If you considered buying tickets for this event you should have asked yourself, "Can I see this at a Denny's after the bars close?"  If you said "yes" go to Denny's because the Moons over My-Hammy is delicious and if no one yells out random shit, you can start your acting career.  Also if you paid money for this, you were basically paying money to see the Budweiser guys say "Wassup" over and over again or the eTrade baby do stand-up or the AFLAC duck make fun of Japan.  The show ended for Charlie Sheen once he got your money.  THEY SHOWED VIDEOS OF HIM PLAYING CALL OF DUTY!  What did you expect?  Who would have thought that a drug addict couldn't pull off a live show that he only had two weeks to prepare for?  Next, you'll tell me there's no Santa Claus or Easter Bunny.  Who ate the cookies and shit all over the carpet?  Apparently it was just opening night jitters because the next night in Chicago, Charlie was given a standing ovation but that's because he got rid of the opening comedian, Simon Rex rapping to a song by Snoop Dogg about Charlie, and did 90 minutes of Q&A with the audience.  During the Chicago show Sheen gave us this new catchphrase: "Is it me or is it like a Cambodian outhouse in a heat wave up here?"  He also said that the he discovered crack and the internet on the same night and said Al Gore invented both.  And to prove he's a great human being, he started talking about his ex-wife Denise Richards and got the audience to chant "Fuck that bitch!"  So when Charlie's in court for his next custody battle, the defense attorney will point at Charlie Sheen and say, "Here's my evidence.  Case closed."  I was going to do a special post with videos of the show but those have all been taken off youtube.

After I posted my 17 Years Ago post, I found this photo.  It's absolutely fabulous.  Dave Grohl's smile says it all.

This is by far the greatest news this week.  Grain Belt is now in a new 16oz can and it's argyle.  You can't really tell with the reflection but that's argyle.  I am so thirsty.

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Remember when I said I'd sing praises for Snooki?  Well here it is.  She didn't embarrass herself at Wrestlemania and her wrestling moves shocked me but I'm not a Snooki mark.

It was only a matter of time, Kirstie Alley fell on Dancing with the Stars.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

In my last post, I talked about an incident in grade school involving a fight between two guys that I nicknamed Buckteeth and Nerd.  All day I was bombarded by memories from that year of grade school.  I went to a small Lutheran grade school in Wisconsin.  My classroom was always a combined classroom other than in preschool and kindergarten.  Those were separate but kindergarten only went to 11AM and preschool was once a week from 1PM to 3PM or something like that.  So we had 1st and 2nd in one room, 3rd and 4th in another, 5th and 6th in another and 7th and 8th in the last.

You spent all those years with the same kids and you got to be pretty close with them.  You also grew close the teachers because you would have them two years in a row and they would teach all the subjects.  I really enjoyed that experience and am still friends with some of those classmates today although none of them read this blog nor will they ever unless I turn out to be some sort of famous person but I'm too old to be famous so I guess it's OK.

I just thought I'd talk about some of my memories.  It may be long so if you don't want to read, just leave the eprops below and be on your merry way.  I know when you don't leave eprops and it hurts my heart so if you don't read just write "eprops" in the comment box and then press "submit".

Yesterday, I introduced you to Buckteeth and Nerd.  I didn't mind both of them.  I guess I should take that back.  I didn't mind them until after they discovered deodorant.  Let me tell you, it was foul.  For a while Buckteeth was called the Bucktoothed Bandit and we even had a comic strip devoted to his adventures fighting dentists and hygiene but it got old and he was replaced by the superhero known as Checkerman.  This kid would run around school pretending he was Superman and he always wore red, black, and white plaid pants so the name stuck and he embraced it.  He made himself a cape out of a pair of plaid pants and he would carry checkers in his pockets and throw them at people who were committing crimes.  Checkerman was also an aspiring country musician.  We had secret Santa at Christmas and one year he got the name of a girl he liked.  He made a cassette tape of him singing "Achy Breaky Heart" and nothing but that song but of course he changed the lyrics to profess his undying love for the girl.  90 minutes of Checkerman singing "Achy Breaky Heart", the best Christmas present any girl could receive.  She ended up giving it to the bus driver who played it over the bus's stereo.  It was a huge hit.  Sadly Checkerman never ended up marrying this girl and he turned his back on fighting crime only to commit crime.  He is currently in prison for assaulting a police officer and abusing his girlfriend.  The police were called to a domestic dispute at Checkerman's house and Checkerman defecated in front of the police officer and hurled it at him and then he urinated on the officer.  When other police were called in to subdue Checkerman, he bit an officer and the cop had to get a few dozen stitches.

Back to Buckteeth.  He was an interesting kid.  His dad ran a liquidator store.  If you don't know what these are then you have never lived.  These stores go around to other businesses that have went out of business and then sell the good at a discounted rate.  Buckteeth's dad also sold adult videos.  There was a room off the side of the store and it was filled floor to ceiling with porn.  Buckteeth regularly "borrowed" videos and handed them out to kids.  His dad finally wised up and moved all the actual movies to under the counter and left the cases in the room.  Buckteeth also married a girl in the 2nd grade when he was in 1st.  Off course it was a playground wedding so I guess it didn't count although the rest of the years of school whenever Buckteeth or his playground wife, the Weeping Patriot, expressed interest in someone we would ask if they were divorced yet.  I call her the Weeping Patriot because she had a patriotic name and one time she was interviewed by a local news channel and she cried on TV.  There were these guys who went AWOL from the Army and stole a car in Madison.  The police caught up with them in this particular sleepy town and they were chasing them all over the place.  Finally the police set up a roadblock on a country road which happened to be right behind the Weeping Patriot's house.  The soldiers hopped out of their car and started firing at the police.  My DARE officer was wounded. The Weeping Patriot's father grabbed his rifle and started shooting at the suspects from his back porch.  Both soldiers died and the news vehicles came to town.  One reporter interviewed the Weeping Patriot who gave the memorable line, "I told my daddy not to shoot but he started shooting.  I think he killed them."  Buckteeth had an interesting habit of whenever I saw him during high school he would make announcements that were pretty bad.  We went to different high schools so I got to see my old friends once or twice a month.  I would be out and run into Buckteeth and he'd say, "Hey, guess what?  My girlfriend isn't a virgin anymore."  Buckteeth is now married and has three kids.  I want to ask if his wife is still a virgin. 

Nerd was interesting.  I mentioned the whipped cream incident.  He also procured the name Slick because he would slick back his hair but it didn't always work because he was a curly redhead and by the time recess came along it was all curly but back. It sort of looked like the Bride of Frankenstein.  Nerd and I rode the same bus.  We also had weird conversations.  "Hey, Matt, did you know the human head remains alive for minutes after it's beheaded?"  "Hey, Matt, I like Ivanhoe." "Hey, Matt, fortune cookies aren't Chinese."  "Hey, Matt, last night I got my sister to touch my dick."  Then the worst part was when we got to school, he'd say all those same things to Girl.  Yes, Girl.  In my class of 9 there was only 1 girl.  OK, he never told her that last one but he told me that and was rather proud.  I know I've told a story about me, Nerd, and Girl before but it needs repeating.  Nerd was head over heels in love with this girl but it was unrequited.  Girl hated Nerd but Nerd never got the hint.  "Hey, Girl, guess what?" "Hey, Girl, guess what?" "Hey, Girl, guess what?"  ALL THE TIME!  One day at milk break (we were in Wisconsin so we had a mandatory milk break.  I also think it was mandatory that the milk was consumed) I was enjoying my chocolate milk and noticed that Nerd was bent over and his ass crack was exposed.  I looked over at Girl and said all chipper like Nerd, "Hey, Girl, guess what?"  She looked at me and rolled her eyes and said, "God, I hate Nerd."  I then motioned with my head toward Nerd and his exposed ass crack.  I held my carton of milk over and acted like I was going to pour.  Girl, stood up, came over to me and whispered in my ear, "I will suck your dick if you do it."  I sat there dumbfounded because I was going out with Girl's friend, Fluffy.  I call her Fluffy because that's what she was.  The best part of dating her was holding her close to me.  We started "going out" in 5th grade and it kept on through my sophomore year.  It was difficult that year of 8th grade because Fluffy was a year older than me.  My friends always joked that they wouldn't let me near their moms because I liked older women.  Anyway, Girl, offers me the BJ and I'm speechless and Nerd turns around and looks at me. I guess I was pale because of shock.  "Hey, Matt, are you OK?" "Nerd, turn around and go back to work." "OK, Matt, I'm working on an art project for an art fair.  It's depicting President Bush crashing his plane in World War II and a guy from Wisconsin rescuing him." "Really, that's cool.  Why don't you work on it some more?"  Nerd smiled and went to work.  His ass crack was exposed so I dropped a few drops of milk into his pants.  He didn't notice.  Then I dropped a few more.  Soon the back of his pants were brown but he didn't notice.  I looked at Girl and she smiled and told me that any time I was ready so was she.  I never took her up on that offer because we were friends and I was faithful to Fluffy although in a few years Fluffy wouldn't be faithful to me.  Maybe it was some sort of test.  Girl and I had a nice bond.  I let her read my joke book.  You know my motivation posts?  I was doing stuff like that in grade school.  I wrote about my life and experiences.  Girl always encouraged me to write and so I did.  The one story I included that got her in trouble because she laughed was about the time in 8th grade I took Fluffy out in my dad's Cadillac.  How can an 8th grader drive?  I had a farm license because I worked on my uncle's farm and I was able to drive between the house and farm but it was never enforced.  I ended up just taking Fluffy to the boat landing and we made out in the backseat.  The joke I made was how I explained to my dad that the stains were from a vanilla milkshake that I spilled.  The Excited Southerner didn't like Girl's laughter.  I recently saw Girl and we were reminiscing about the school days and I mentioned that and she laughed and said she remembered and was willing but her husband wouldn't like it.  Then she punched me in the shoulder.

We called him the Excited Southerner because he had a very deep Southern accent even though he spent the majority of his life up to that point in Minnesota and Wisconsin.  He called Nebraska home.  One of the funniest moments in my class was during geography class and we were studying South America.  Excited Southerner was throwing out questions and we'd answer.  The final question he asked wasn't in the book but it was something he told us the previous day from an article he got from a magazine.  "What is Brazil's main export?"  No one had a clue.  "WHAT IS BRAZIL'S MAIN EXPORT?"  "Come on come on come on...what is Brazil's main export?"  No one knew or remembered.  He threw his arms up in the air and said in his deep southern accent "PENIS!  The main export of Brazil is penis."  We all looked at each other in disbelief.  I raised my hand, "Mr. Excited Southerner, what was Brazil's main export?"  "Penis."  "What?"  "Are you a lightbulb or hard of hearing?  It's penis."  Later on he finally got what we were getting at and said slowly...pea-nuts.  Apparently when he got excited he spoke faster in his southern accent and didn't pronounce the hard "t".

Let's see, there was also Jock who was just that.  He played all the sports.  In 8th grade he was probably 6'2" 250lbs.  I didn't mind him except when he punched me but then he punched everyone.  Jock was the prototype for bullies.  He had a rough life.  His dad died when he was an infant.  His dad was a firefighter and died fighting a house fire.  His mom was like the mom in What's Eating Gilbert Grape.  He pretty much raised himself.  The girls in class always had a love/hate relationship with Jock because he was pretty good looking but he was rather crude and mean.  While Pastor 3rd Person listened to us recite Bible verses and portions of the Catechism, Jock would go around asking girls how many fingers they used. Choke Me got mad at him and would run out of the room crying.  I call her Choke Me because in the 7th grade she discovered the joys of being joked and would wear chokers all the time.  Choke Me was in 7th grade and was dating a guy in his early 20s but then she could pass for 21 as a 13 year old.  I ran into Jock a year or so ago when he was out with his wife.  He hadn't changed one bit but this time he didn't punch me.  No one knows what happened to Choke Me.  Some speculate that during college she dropped out to work at an S&M club and do BDSM porn.

We also had a kid we called Ninja.  He had been taking karate for years and actually came to school a few times dressed in his karate uniform.  It was rather amusing because if he got impatient with something he would start in doing his karate poses.  He also was a poor student.  Excited Southerner had to give him special assignments.  Ninja basically only had two or three classes with the rest of us although he was always in the same class.  Would would have weekly spelling tests and the Excited Southerner would give each class their spelling word with a sentence.  "OK, 7th grade your word is 'inappropriate  Girl, the dress you are wearing is inappropriate.'  8th grade, your word is 'subjugate Lutherans need to subjugate Catholics'.  Ninja your word is 'truck Ninja, get in the truck."  It got pretty bad because sometimes the Excited Southerner would laugh at the easiness of the words and yet Ninja still misspelled them.  The last I heard Ninja was still practicing karate in a trailer park.

We also had a kid called Celebrity.  He was very vain and would sit in class with a mirror and brush making sure his hair was just so.  He also loved all the current music and movies.  His two favorite bands were Ace of Base and Guns N Roses.  Well Guns N Roses broke up that year and we tormented Celebrity.  "Hey, Celebrity did you know that...NO MORE GUNS N ROSES NO MORE GUNS N ROSES NO MORE GUNS N ROSES!"  We did that all the time and one day Celebrity got so pissed that he slapped my friend The Hulk and then went out of the room to cry in the bathroom and then he came back to brush his hair.  We also had fun with Celebrity in high school especially the time I destroyed the lamp shade in his room when I pretended to be Nirvana and I lifted his guitar above my head and forgot to look for the light.  He was valedictorian of his high school and featured in that who's who of students book.  There was a cute girl in the book next to him and she happened to be from Luck, WI.  I suggested he go there because he might get lucky.  Celebrity got pissed and stormed out of his house.  I guess he didn't like the notion of dating girls because now he is openly gay.  Maybe that was his way of coming out or maybe it was the obscene amount of anal porn he kept in his room.

My two best friends in that class were the Hulk and the African Dream.  Now, a while back I wrote about the African Dream and people called me a racist because I labeled him "African".  His dad was a missionary and the African Dream was born in Mali which is in African so I guess you could say he's African American.  We had so much fun.  He introduced me to the first person shooter.  We also had slam dunk contests at his house on his adjustable hoop.  His younger brother Puke always was mad because he never won.  Puke got the nickname because of the obvious.  One day at recess he was running down this hill and ran into the brick facade of the school.  It knocked Puke silly but the teacher never sent him home or called his parents.  That day at lunch Puke wasn't hungry and he was still shaken up from running into the wall.  He was sitting there with his head on the lunch table.  My class was standing in line and we saw it happen.  Puke was resting his head on the table and then he sits up as straight as straight can be.  His eyes bugged out and his cheeks puffed up.  Then he erupted vomit all over the table.  Everyone was screaming.  It was so nasty.  The African Dream denied they shared DNA.  I've lost touch with him because he's married and has two children.  He has a pretty wife and pretty daughters.  I felt honored to be in his wedding.  We called The Hulk "The Hulk" for two reasons.  One was he was a huge professional wrestling fan and loved Hulk Hogan but back in those days everyone loved Hogan.  We would bring our toy wrestlers to school and have matches.  The second reason the Hulk got his nickname was that he was a fan of The Hulk TV show and this fandom earned him the nickname because he went into a Hulk-like rage although he didn't turn green nor did his clothes fall off.  We were at the swimming pool and this one kid, for the life of me I can't remember who, pushed the Hulk and the Hulk slipped and fell.  He landed face down and came up dripping blood.  The Hulk put his hand to his nose and then inspected it.  He saw the blood and then wiped it off his face and onto the wall of the poolhouse.  Then the Hulk started screaming and flexing.  He beat the living hell out of that kid.  It took four of us to pull the Hulk off him.  Then about 5 minutes later the Hulk was calm.  Almost all of my shenanigans throughout grade school and high school involved the Hulk.  Some of the best times during high school were spent in his car, can't remember the make but the model was a GL which he said stood for "Get Laid".  We sort of lost touch when I went off to college but we worked in the same tourist town and those three months always saw us getting into trouble such as having the neighbors call the police on us for causing a disturbance at 3AM.  We were shooting off fireworks.  It was a clear night everywhere except my parents' house.  We had lit so many fireworks that there was a thick cloud of smoke on our lot.  The cop had to turn on his side light to find us in the smoke.  The Hulk and I always wanted to write a teen sex comedy based on our experiences in grade school.  Life got in the way but I am always hopeful that I will get around to it.  The Hulk is now married and I was the best man in The Hulk's wedding.  That was such a memorable wedding and I'm so happy he found love.  His wife is just a perfect match for him. 

And people say I don't get personal, how's that for personal? 

TL:DR...I give friends weird nicknames for certain things they do, leave eprops.

I was sitting at home alone for most of the day.  I can't remember why I was home.  I think I was on spring break but then we didn't have spring break when I was in 8th grade.  I'm thinking it was Easter break but then I could have been skipping school but then I probably didn't skip because part of the day was spent with my girlfriend at the time.  Lets go with Easter break.  Oh I should have done more research because I just looked it up, it would have been Easter break.  Whew...crisis averted.

My parents were at work and I was home alone watching TV, playing video games, listening to CDs, making out with the girlfriend on April 8th.  So maybe I wasn't home alone but I was free from parental supervision.  We were really into that grunge sound and spent the day blasting the Pearl Jam, Temple of the Dog, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, Mudhoney, Stone Temple Pilots, Hole and Nirvana. 

At that time I had gotten my hands on everything Nirvana had recorded including numerous bootlegs.  I connected with Kurt Cobain.  I was supposed to be this happy ray of sunshine in a dark world but I felt miserable.  I maybe dwelt too long on the lyrics from "All Apologies" when Kurt opined "Everyone is gay".  You know it's sort of true.  When straight guys and girls masturbate they are touching the genitals of their sex.  I know, I know, it's different but as I argued, "Why would someone who is straight want to touch a dick?"  I also think Kurt was the brains behind Courtney Love's band Hole because some of those lyrics had to come out of his lyric book.  I sort of lost my connection with Kurt once I heard the song "I Hate Myself and Want to Die".  I know there was supposed to be some irony in the title but something about it made me feel uneasy. 

Well it wasn't much longer that Kurt overdosed on tour after he was taken to Rome for medical treatment for bronchitis.  His overdose was amusing to some at the time because it was on champagne and roofies.  Courtney Love stated later on that Kurt tried to kill himself.  Kurt returned home and a few days later Seattle police were called to his house by Courtney because she thought Kurt was going to kill himself.  Kurt told the police he locked himself in a room with his guns to hide from Courtney.  At the end of the day Kurt went into a detox program in Los Angeles but it didn't last.  He escaped and boarded a flight to Seattle.  Courtney Love hired a private investigator to search for Kurt on April 3rd.  On April 7th the band decided not to play the Lolapalooza Tour and this fueled rumors that Nirvana had split.  Kurt's body was found on the 8th.  Coroners estimated that he died on the 5th and said his body was filled with heroin and valium.  A light was extinguished and the 27 Forever Club gained a new member.

It was weird sitting at home on the 8th after they announced Kurt had died.  Did I cry?  I don't think so.  Was I sad?  Yes but more disappointed but as I've aged I've figured that maybe Kurt saw his future and didn't like where it was headed.  Maybe he feared a lounge act in Las Vegas.  Maybe he wanted an out but the demand for his work was too high.  We'll never really know.  There have been so many conspiracy theories surrounding his death.  I can remember the first being that the "kit" used for heroin use didn't belong to Kurt and if he was so high on heroin how could he lift a shotgun.  There have been documentaries about the subject so I'll let you watch them to form your own opinion.

The last thing Kurt ever wrote.  Those last lines make me tear up.

So young and full of life.

I should really post these on Caturday.

Kurt with Courtney and their daughter Frances Bean, who turned into quite a knock-out.

Kurt...I wonder if he's playing "Rape Me" for the angels these days.  I also play some guitar lefthanded in his honor. 

My favorite Nirvana photo

I know these are just mash-ups but I'm pretty sure that Kurt would have loved them.

I always think of what Nirvana could have become.  Nirvana is getting some heavy play on my jukebox.  Be it "Bleach", "Nevermind", "In Utero", "Incesticide", "Unplugged", and "From the Muddy Banks of the Wishkah".  And not to forget all the compilation albums I own featuring songs by Nirvana.

It's hard to believe it's been that long since he left us but because of his music Kurt Cobain will live forever.

Jared Leto posted this video on his website in honor of Kurt.

He looks and sounds so similar...wow.

So another week of links is here but first I just have to say I'm pretty devastated.  The supreme court election has turned.  Apparently one of the officials "lost" 7000 votes and now the other guy is up by over 7000 votes and this means there will be no recount.  It sounds so fishy and convenient especially when this person who "lost" the votes was a former clerk for Prosser.  Oh well, we should know history repeats itself.  I just didn't think 2000 would happen so quickly.  Anyway, here be the links.

1.  This is supposedly one of the best Tumblr sites.  It's called Soup.  It basically collects all the news stories and puts them in one place.  Honestly, I don't get the fuss over Tumblr.  Why go to Tumblr?  I'm not there giving people weird nicknames.

2.  This is another one of those alleged "best" Tumblrs.  It's called Laughing Squid.  It's just another collection of off-beat things.  The only good part of Tumblr are those sites that contain collections of beat off things.

3.  I love to knock hipsters and here's a site that mocks hipsters.  It's called Unhappy Hipsters.  I'm pretty sure the photos are just from catalogs and comments are made to make a mockery of hipsters...it's still funny.

4.  Are you casting a movie and want to find a star that has name power but doesn't charge a lot of money for his services?  Well here is a list of the cheapest actors according to their demands this year.  Hmmm Kevin Sorbo's demands seem OK but I still wouldn't hire him.  Pawlenty wore a mullet as governor as Minnesota.  He deserves nothing.

5.  I had a lack of birthday presents this year.  I think this one is two-fold.  Either you buy me the cologne or a single lady wear the perfume and accompany on a date.  It's Bacon cologne and perfume.  Thank you, Lord for blessing us with the pig even though you didn't want you chosen people to eat it.  I'm sure it was in your infinite wisdom that you decided to do this so that I may enjoy bacon.

6.  Here is the best game I've found in a while.  It's the Helen Keller Simulator.  You see how long you can live as Helen Keller.  Easier said than done.  I think my best score is 3699.

7.  James Van Der Beek put out a website not too long ago that he wanted to take off as a new internet meme.  You can't make a meme to be a meme, jackass.  I'll post your link but I think you suck.

8.  Do you remember the movie Jurassic Park?  I loved the movie and I nerded it up by buying the soundtrack.  I loved the score to that film.  Someone took some time to slow down the theme song 18 times and they realized they had an hour long symphony on their hands.  If you have an hour, it's worth a listen.  Maybe you could listen to it while you read my last post about my memories.

9.  I like Nintendo.  I have three systems, two of which still run.  My SNES and N64 will probably be there for me unless someone buys me a Wii or a PS3.  Anyway, here's a quiz from the good people at Mental Floss about Nintendo game sequels.  I still can't believe I got 100% on that.

10.  People seem to think that the 3D movie is something new.  Not really, they've been around for quite a long time.  My dad told me about 3D movies when he was a teenager.  He said they weren't as fancy as something like Avatar but he did say they had better stories.  Oh snap!  Here's a collection of posters from vintage 3D movies.

11.  I found this site while exploring a potential move to blogspot when I was really pissed with some things that were going on here at Xanga.  It's a site devoted to washed up celebrities and includes their bios, downfalls, and what they are up to now.  Great stuff!

12.  A while back when I was really pissed at some things that Xanga was allowing to transpire and sat on their hands because it revolved around one of their more popular people and let's face it, this is a good old boy system, I thought about disappearing.  I've thought about just going away from everything and never coming back.  Here's a site with some steps to help you in your attempt to disappear.  I wonder if Jim Morrison read it.

I think the meth lab would be a great hunter.

Little do you know, the briefcase is filled with invisible bones.

Yep...it's $3.75 here but I guess that's the average.

Bathroom graffiti is the birthplace of the internet troll.

Whatz dees redd linez mean son?

Looks like he took that little bit of information to his grave.

My gawd...it all makes sense.

Dad?

Sad but true.

My reaction when I realize that Will Ferrel is on The Office next week and that marks the last 3 episodes with Steve Carrell.