Caturday...it was a wild weekend, well maybe not wild but interesting.  I love Hunter S Thompson and I've always wanted to do gonzo reporting so this weekend I tried to get myself involved in something I was investigating.  That something was a weekend biker outing.  All these motorcycle gangs and groups converge on a small town in this area with a population of 250 for Memorial Day weekend.  They advertise it as a pig roast but people say it's much more.  I saw the signs Friday evening and decided I would find out what this pig roast and motorcycle event were all about.  I headed over the the town about 10:30AM.  There was a constant stream of motorcycles entering and exiting the grounds.  I decided I'd go check out what the little town had to offer and why all these bikers met here.  I drove through town and blinked and realized I had exited the town.  And there at the edge of the city limits was an Amish farm and greenhouse.  I guess I should check out what they have to offer.  Tomato plants were $1.10 and jalapeno plants were 4 for $1.50.  You best believe I stocked up.  Most of what they had left were Amish paste tomatoes and Amish striped tomatoes.  I got some of the striped because I don't reckon I want to make tomato paste.  So I buy my plants and the Amish guy took my money and said his wife would carry my plants to my car.  I love slavery.  This particular wife didn't look like she was much older than 16.  I guess the Amish guy didn't look much older but then the beard throws my judgment.  I tried speaking to her in German but she just stared at the ground.  Sometimes I really think there is something up with those Amish.  I have heard stories about meth labs in barns but that is for another investigation.  After I got everything loaded by my Amish slave I drove back into town.  I saw a lone church and noticed a bunch of people standing around a tent and then the sign: BAKE SALE AND BRAT FRY.  Hell yes I stopped.  I loaded up on Fruity Pebble and Rice Krispy treats and peanut butter and fudge Rice Krispy treats.  If you want to win my heart, bake me up some Rice Krispy treats.  Then I got myself a brat and had it drowned in sauerkraut and onions.  I sat down at a table outside the church and struck up a conversation with a 90 year old woman in a wheelchair named Myrtle.  She said my wife must be happy because I'm fat.  Apparently Myrtle thinks that a woman can only be happy if her husband is well-fed and fat.  I asked the people at the table why the bikers picked this town of all places to hold their rally.  No one seemed to know and then they said I should ask these guys.  And at that moment two bikers drove into the church parking lot.  I was hypnotized by their motorcycles or maybe it was just that they were so loud and I was temporarily deaf.  I watched these men walk and noticed they were sporting the patch of a notorious gang that has been featured on episodes of Gangland.  I knew they couldn't be all that bad when I saw two little boys run up to one of the bikers and yell "DADDY DADDY DADDY".  He asked a guy sitting on a porch if he could talk to the kids because it wasn't his weekend.  The random porch dude nodded and the biker who had "prospect" written on his back bought the children cookies and they sat on the steps of the church to say their prayers before they ate the cookies.  The other biker had "enforcer" on the front of his vest.  I think I am an intimidating figure but this guy was possibly 6'7" and about 300lbs.  I just back down and observed.  He sat next to me and ate a bratwurst.  Myrtle had left by now.  I asked if he was in town for the rally.  He held a finger to his mouth and then held up his hand.  Then once he finished chewing and swallowing he told me that they were there for the weekend.  I asked what the appeal was.  He said it was just a get together with all the motorcycle groups where they can enjoy having fellowship with out fear of fighting.  I thought that was pretty decent answer.  He then asked me if I was heading up the the rally because he figured a guy like me would love the pig roast.  Apparently being fat means I love to eat.  I said I hadn't planned on it because I figured you needed a motorcycle to get in.  He laughed and said I was a newb.  A newb?  An outlaw biker called me a newb.  I said that I may have to check it out later.  I got back in my car and checked my tomato plants to make sure they weren't wilting.  I gave them a little water from my water bottle.  Then I saw the lone watering hole in town.  It had a large sign in front that said "Bikers Welcome".  I parked in front and walked in.  I sat down at the bar and glanced over and saw a couple of guys wearing outlaw biker patches sitting at a table and napping.  I saw two women playing darts.  The bartender asked if I was there for the rally.  I said that I'm semi-local and just wanted to see why it was so big and why they came here to celebrate.  The bartender said they came to his bar because they have the best Bloody Marys in Wisconsin.  I chuckled and said that's a pretty tall order to fill because a town a few miles up the highway claims they have the best Bloody Marys in Wisconsin.  I also told him that I don't dig Bloody Marys but this other bar had one that I enjoyed because of what came with it.  The Barn Yard Bar offers a two pint Bloody Mary that comes with a dill pickle spear, half a stalk of celery, handful of olives, and 6 inch screw with cubes of cheese and sandwiched in between each cheese cube were slices of pepperoni and then it comes with half a glass of beer on the side.  He smiled and said he had heard of it and that his was better.  I said that I will try one but it better be good.  He turned his back to me and refused to tell me his secret ingredients but I knew there was a dill pickle and celery stalk in his.  I took a drink and it was OK.  I nodded and said OK.  Then he said, "Here comes the best part...the price."  I reach for my wallet and I heard him say "$1."  No wonder they get so much clientele.  I sat and sipped my drink as I watched the two women throw darts.  Then one of the bikers came up and sat beside me and asked, "Isn't she hot?"  "I'm sorry, sir." "No, I take that as a compliment.  Look all you want and if she's up for it you can come back to our campground later this evening."  "Well that is tempting but I have a girlfriend who'd have my balls in a vice if she found out."  Lying is wrong but I did it tactfully.  He asked me if I was going to the rally.  I said I had heard good things about the pig so I may have to check it out.  I finished up my drink and saw the big biker walking down the street.  I asked if he gave up his motorcycle.  He said it wasn't running and he asked if I could drop him off at the rally because he didn't want to ride bitch on a prospect's bike.  I agreed and we hopped in my Blazer.  I was shocked when my childhood memories came back and remembered where I was.  The farm right before we got to the grounds was where my mom's aunt and uncle had their farm.  I drove up to the gate and saw a sign that said "No Weapons or Attitude".  I asked my rider if they had problems enforcing that rule.  He said not really anymore but a few years ago they did have people act up and they disappeared in the middle of the night.  I gulped and then he started laughing.  Because I didn't want to pay $50 for a campsite I parked my car at the gates and walked with my rider to his campsite so he could get some tools.  We must have passed a hundred or so campsites.  I noticed the dining hall and a trailer set up next to it that said "showers".  It was a converted semi trailer that had about 6 private shower stalls.  I also noticed a stage where a band was tuning up for their performance later that afternoon.  My rider, who never told me his name other than Sleepy and Enforcer, grabbed his tools and handed me a 6 pack of MGD for my efforts.  I thanked him and asked if he wanted to go back.  He told me to try some pig.  I got a meal to go because I was filled up on wild thoughts of Amish women, Rice Krispy treats, bratwurst, and sauerkraut.  We drove back and he thanked me for the ride and I thanked him for the beer and wished him luck with the repairs.  I drove back toward my home and found another greenhouse and picked up a few more plants.  Then I decided to go down a road I have never traveled.  I guess being with these bikers inspired me to do some of that riding free stuff.  I came upon a farm and there standing in the middle of the road was my 1st and 2nd grade teacher.  I waved and then drove home.  I took another back road and watched a turtle try to cross the road.  I felt like giving him a hand but I figured my hand would be taken from me if I did that.  I got home, unloaded my plants and food and then took a nap.  The next thing I know it's 6PM and I have to go grocery shopping.  Fun times.  My mom gave me a coupon for a free ham.  My dad gets vouchers from his job for $20 worth of ham.  Usually they just give him a canned ham but I guess they thought it'd be easier to give them gift certificates.  I load up on ham.  13 and a half pounds.  It was $20.06 so I paid 6 cents for 13 and a half pounds of ham.  I went home, put it in the freezer and sat down and enjoyed my MGD and roast pork.  It was an awesome day.  Now it's time for cats.

Lady Gaga's cat needs to work on the tuck game much like his master.

Well there's your #caturday.  Sorry I'm not better at writing.

What an exciting 48 hours!  I've learned my lesson...stay the fuck away from LoBorn, ish sites, and not embrace your inner-Jew.  I'm just curious why I had my IP blocked within 12 hours of things I said and someone who made a post about hating Jews didn't have anything done to their site or post.  I'll just let the ADL handle that matter.  I also think I'm now a member of the Tinfoil Hat Society because I believe that a certain Xangan is a government agent working here on Xanga to monitor subversives.  COINTELPRO...look that shit up and be scared.  Today, I wasn't around because I went fishing and worked on my garden.  Then this afternoon as I was reeling in yet another crappie I get a phone call from my mom asking if I could drive her and my aunt to the Farm and Fleet to pick up soil.  I agreed if she'd buy me some fishing tackle and supper.  I got some new bait and I had a nice supper at a Mexican restaurant: grilled chicken and spinach enchiladas smothered in cheese and green chili.  Oh it was so good.  I then washed it all down with some Culver's.  If you don't know Culver's you don't know real frozen custard/ice cream.  Their flavor today was something called Chocolate Oreo Volcano.  If you follow my twitter you know all about this.  Chocolate custard mixed with chocolate flakes, Oreo cookie bits, M&Ms, and chocolate syrup.  I think I've had my quota for chocolate this week.  Anyway, you should be glad I'm back because it's time for the round-up.

Well there are still all these rumors floating about who the father of January Jones' unborn child is and somehow I think Zach Galifinakis is one of the potential fathers.  Even though this week he made a comment about how big of bitch January is, it's just to throw us off track.  A website asked if he'd ever do a sex scene with her in a movie and he said no.  They said she thought he was very funny and this is how he replied: "If I remember correctly, she and I were very rude to each other. It was crazy. I was at a party - I'd never met her - and she was like, 'Come sit down'. So I sit at her table, and [we] talk for ten minutes, and she goes, 'I think it's time for you to leave now'.  So I say, 'January, you are an actress in a show and everybody's going to forget about you in a few years, so fucking be nice', and I got up and left. And she thinks that's funny?"  Wow, they should hang out more often because she really brings out the best in Zach.  He better watch out though because if experience has taught me anything it's that if you are the below-average looking guy who makes fun of the blonde cheerleader type girl, she'll go to prom with a popular guy while you sit at home hating yourself and masturbating while listening to "Boys Don't Cry" by The Cure as you hold back the tears.  That didn't happen to me, I just know a guy.

They keep releasing photos of Adrianne Palicki in her Wonder Woman costume.  I'm thinking that maybe NBC is regretting cutting that show.  I'm hoping another network picks it up.  ABC, the ball is in your court.  I just need some new fap material.

Bob Dylan turned 70 this week.  Did you see my post about it?  Anyone going to Bob Dylan Days in Hibbing?

Less than 24 hours after Osama bin Laden was killed by SEAL Team 6, the Walt Disney company tried to file a trademark on the name "SEAL Team 6".  The United States Navy blocked them from trademarking this name.  Disney dropped the trademark appeal.  This is sort of bizarre.  Disney movies aren't typically about terrorists and murder.  If I wanted explosions and lifeless bodies, I'd just watch some porn.  You know damn well that if Disney got that name, they would crank out a movie of talking seals killing a penguin terrorist. 

Uma Thurman was at Cannes.  Wow!  You can really see her Uma.  You know, the first time I saw this photo it was like the first time I saw Star Wars.  I just sat there and drooled and begged for more which also happens to be how I act whenever I see a naked girl.

And people wonder why I can't stand Tom Brady.  What a silly ass!  Oh and what do gay cows eat?  HAAAY!

Here is a first look at the new Three Stooges.  That's Chris Diamantopoulos getting eye-drops as Moe, Sean Hayes as Larry and with his back to the camera in the bottom photo Will Sasso as Curly.  Sofia Vergara is in there too.  She's the hot one with the boobs.  This movie, I don't know what to think of it.  It's sort of like Leinenkugel's Berry Weiss.  It's a berry flavored beer.  People think that it sucks but when it's combined with another fine product from Leinenkugel's such as the Summer Shandy or Sunset Wheat, Berry Weiss can be quite tasty.  So I guess Sofia Vergara is Summer Shandy and the Farrely Brothers are Sunset Wheat.  This story has been brought to you by the Jacob Leinenkugel Brewing Company.  Join us out here for a ice cold Leinenkugel beer.  Every day is a Friday fish fry.  Yeah, you can't block me Xanga, I bring in corporate sponsors!  Time to head to the liquor store to get my free case of Leinie's.  Did I mention that I have a bobber on my fishing line that is a Leinie's Honey Weiss can?

This is Raushan Hammond.  He played Thud Butt in Hook.  These days he's trying to score dates on Plenty of Fish.  There may be hope for me yet.  I just have to tell people on Plenty of Fish that I'm the fat boy from The Cosby Show.

Mariah Carey has been a mother since Mother's Day and she's already had her first visit from the Department of Children and Family Services.  It all stemmed from Mariah having problems breast feeding.  A nurse told her that if she drinks a little beer before she breast feeds it will help her lactate.  Ladies, if this is true consider enjoying an ice cold Honey Weiss from the good people at the Jacob Leinenkugel Brewing Company.  Well Mariah drank some Guinness (should've went with Leinies) and someone snitched on her.  Well DCFS came and investigated the complaint that Mariah was drinking and giving her children liquor.  They found nothing wrong and dismissed the case.  That is a waste of time and money.  Shouldn't they be out helping children and families who really need the help instead of preying on celebrities?  Haven't the wealthy suffered enough?

PEEKABOO!  I think her bare nipple is so pink because it is such a contrast with her orange skin.  Anyway Lindsay Lohan was out frolicking at the beach before she turned herself in for house arrest.  That's right, Lindsay is serving 120 days under house arrest.  She was supposed to go to jail however the jail is overcrowded so she gets to her 3000 square foot, 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom cell.  This cell also features a living room with double height ceilings, poured concrete floors, a forged steel fireplace, the finest stainless steel appliances, and a wall of huge, south-facing windows that bathe the house in an abundance of natural light.  OH HOW BRUTAL!  Where is Amnesty International?  She will have her sentenced reduced if she exhibits good behavior.  What?  The only way you fuck up house arrest is if you LEAVE THE HOUSE!  You can get pretty much anything delivered to your house these days so I don't know what to expect.  Lindsay is already considering what she wants to do after her sentence is finished.  There's rumors that there will be yet another Carrie remake and Lindsay Lohan is trying to get the titular (see what I did there) role.  Stephen King was asked about this remake and here's what he had to say: "I’ve heard rumblings about a Carrie remake, as I have about The Stand and It. Who knows if it will happen? The real question is why, when the original was so good? I mean, not Casablanca, or anything, but a really good horror-suspense film, much better than the book. Piper Laurie really got her teeth into the bad-mom thing. Although Lindsay Lohan as Carrie White… hmmm. It would certainly be fun to cast. I guess I could get behind it if they turned the project over to one of the Davids: Lynch or Cronenberg.”  Shit...that would be awesome with David Lynch at the helm.  I'm still trying to get around how they'll make Lindsay look like she's in high school since she looks like she's 40.  Personally, I think they need to remake Strangers with Candy and cast Lindsay as Jerri Blank.

Lenny Kravitz turned 47 this week so here's your birthday present ladies.  That belly button is freaking me out.  Lenny received a birthday present this week as well.  He was cast as Cinna in the upcoming movie The Hunger Games.  I am really anxious for that movie, can't you tell? 

Here's Lady Gaga wearing a normal outfit that she uses to go grocery shopping.  Apparently she was born different so she has to act different.  It doesn't make sense but just humor her, she'll be gone soon.

Kirstie Alley said that her dress size has been cut in half because of her training on Dancing with the Stars.  Well she looks great in both pics but anyway...since she's 60, does this make her a GILF?

Kim Kardashian is engaged to Kris Humphries of some NBA team.  See he isn't that great and if he was I'd know what team he plays for.  Anyway, he spent $2million on her engagement ring.  See, Kris, you're supposed to spend 2 months of you salary on the ring and not 2 years.  No way does someone like Kris Humphries make $12million a year playing basketball.  Anyway, he got two Bible passages inscribed on the inside of the ring.  No word as to what they are but I'm sure they are from the book of Sir-Mix-a-Lot: "I like big butts" and "Shake it, shake it, shake that healthy butt."  Oh and their marriage will be televised on E!.  I fairly certain that the Kardashian clan will film everything because that's the type of whores they are.  "Kim is constipated and needs an enema, mom."  "Well we better notify E! so they can get the cameras over here."  Kris Jenner is nothing more than a pimp.

Ke¢ha is still weird and trying to remain relevant.  She was talking on her twitter that she received a tooth from one of her fans and she now wants a necklace made entirely of human teeth so Ke¢ha asked her fans to send her their teeth.  Whatever happened to the good old days when all a singer had to do to get attention was to make quality music and have an occasional overdose?  These days all they do is try to out-shock each other.  It probably won't be too hard to get a necklace of teeth since a good portion of her fans happen to be meth addicts.

Justin Bieber took Selena Gomez on vacation to Maui.  When I was 17, I took my girlfriend on vacation to my backyard fort and I laid down a blanket on the floor, lit a candle, snuck a few beers and we made out.  Justin and Selena had a typical vacation that most 17 year olds experience they did some swimming, parasailing, jet-skiiing, and searching local pharmacies for the morning after pill and then telling the pharmacist, "You gotta help me, my mom will kill me."  It's also come to my attention that Selena is 18.  This makes her a pedophile.  Where is Chris Hansen when you need him?  Selena, he told you to take a seat but not on Justin's crotch.  Also Justin announced this week that he'd be introducing a perfume for his female fans.  He really is bleeding his fans dry.  First it was the music, then it was the movie and now it's a perfume.  Why doesn't he just have his fans send him their allowances via direct deposit?  The sad thing is, this perfume will be a huge seller because Bieber fans will believe anything he says.  I wonder if they'll believe him when he's driving this van around.

Jeff Conaway passed away this week at the age of 60.  He is best known for his role as Kenickie in Grease.  He was also in Taxi.  In recent years he gained fame on Celebrity Rehab.  Dr. Drew has chimed in and said Jeff died of pneumonia and sepsis but some close to Jeff say he died of an overdose that may have been suicide.  Quick, someone other than a VH-1 executive producer tell me who has actually benefited from Dr. Drew?  Jeff Conaway dies after being through Dr. Drew's treatment.  Mike Starr died after "graduating" from Celebrity Rehab.  Then there are these people who died at Dr. Drew's facilities.  I think Dr. Drew's biggest claim to fame is that he prevented Tom Sizemore from killing his girlfriend.  I think it's time he hung up the stethoscope. 

If you like Hillary Duff's melons, you should really try her peach.

If you read only one story this week, it has to be this one.  Estella Warren, best known for her work on...gee, I don't know, is in jail for hitting three parked cars, kicking a cop, and escaping from jail all while drunk.  Cops say Estella was driving in L.A. when she struck 3 parked cars in her Toyota Prius. Warren drove away but cops spotted her and placed her under arrest for driving under the influence, though not before she resisted and kicked an officer. Warren was taken to the police station in handcuffs, and during the booking process she managed to get out of her handcuffs and then run out the back door.  She was quickly recaptured and then booked for escape.  She was also booked for assault, hit and run and DUI.  Her bail was set at $100,000.  The only way that could have been better was if a samurai sword was involved.  I think Lindsay Lohan would be proud.  It sounds like Estella Warren turns into a monster truck driver who wants to be a UFC fighter when she drinks.  Drunk driving is as wrong as choking a kitten.  Hitting a parked car and not leaving a note is like leading a blind puppy to the edge of a cliff.  Kicking a cop is as stupid as using a public toilet seat.  But escaping from a police station while drunk wins you a lifetime achievement award in comedy.

Courtney Love gave an interview and boy, is she crazy.  She claims she's never drank a crazy tea but she advocates everyone drink it: "You couldn’t pay me a billion dollars to take marijuana. I don’t really like coke anymore. I’m scared of ecstasy. The one drug I'd like to try one day is Ayahuasca, which should be mandatory for everybody. It’s apparently this crazy tea that gives you these intense hallucinations. Everyone who takes it sees a wise old black man who takes you on a wild journey. I’m not going to name names, but everyone who takes it sees the same black guy. I'm not kidding you. Everyone! 
Shut up! No! My drug counselor did Ayahuasca with Sting one time and Sting spent an hour chasing a bee through Joshua Tree. I didn’t join in because losing control is not my jam. The few times I’ve been really drunk, I was plastered on tequila, which is no fun at all. One of those times was at the M.T.V. Awards, when I nearly fell on the floor because I took so many benzos.

  " So how does she know everyone sees the same guy?  I wonder if they sell that tea at Starbucks.  I bet the wise old black guy is either Morgan Freeman or George Clinton.  Then she had this to say about her sex life: "Yeah. After I stopped doing drugs I started to fuck like a bunny.... I had this Norma Desmond moment, I guess. I started sleeping with this dude who wasn’t so great, and then I hooked up with another dude who was in an open marriage, but he wasn’t so great, either. I'm a very sexual person, but in general, I think sex is kind of overrated. Most of the guys I sleep with have tended to be actors and musicians and directors. And they tend to be lousy lays. "  So what about celebrity bloggers?  God, I wouldn't want to find out what Courtney Love thought of my sex skills.  I'd actually have to have sex with her and I think that's a death sentence so I should just put a bullet in my brain instead.  Courtney also doesn't think too highly of Dr. Drew: "I mean, I wouldn’t want to end up at Dr. Drew’s place. He’s such a phony, that guy."  You know you have problems if Courtney Love says you're a phony.  Later in the week Courtney had an interview with GQ for their tribute to Nirvana.  She gave us this bit of information: "Kurt had more presence and more beauty than Brad Pitt. He was a leader, he was strong, in fact he was well fucking hung, if you really want to know."  And here I thought Courtney couldn't keep her mouth shut because of all the drug use.  It turns out she got permanent lockjaw from Kurt Cobain's penis.  Who knew?

It's been awhile since I admired Coco.  She is the most talented woman in the world.  The royal family should invite her to Buckingham Palace so she can entertain.  Forget Kate Middleton, Coco would make a better princess.  Hmmm I think I finally understand what people mean when they say, "This beer tastes like ass."  Coco's ass is such a good thing and that must be the best tasting beer in the world.

Coco announced this week that she has started her own clothing line called Licious Clothing.  You should really check it out.  Just remember, camel toe sold separately.

Please tell me that Fergie is modeling something from Licious Clothing.

TMZ has reported that former pro-wrestler Chyna approached the CEO of Vivid Entertainment, the same company who sold her first sex tape, about doing another porno for the company.  She asked that the male actors in the movie be the biggest in the business.  Here I thought she was doing good.  This is sort of sad.  Notice I said "sort of".  I'll still probably watch it.  Right now it's tentatively called "Back Door into Chyna".  Her former boyfriend, Sean Waltman, said: "It saddens me ... but she obviously hasn't progressed very far in life.  She used to say how low she felt after the first [sex tape] was released ... what does that say about where she's at in life now?" If E! is throwing around money for the Kardashians doing inane shit like getting married, they can give the 9th Wonder of the World a few bucks so she doesn't have to do porn.

This is Christy Turlington and she just did 10 hours of Kegel exercises.  She has the strongest vagina on the planet.  She can bend steel bars with her vagina and I'm not talking about those weak Chinese steel bars, I'm talking about the huge, good old Wisconsin steel poles.

Christopher Meloni will not be returning to Law and Order SVU this season.  Apparently he was in negotiations with producers for this season but they broke down and he will not be returning.  They are currently seeking a replacement.  My mom will be so upset when she finds out that he won't be returning.  She really likes that guy.  I think the only way they could make her happy is if they replaced Elliot Stabler with a permanently shirtless Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds circa 1980.

Christina Hendricks told the world this week that her breasts were real.  She said she got fat and when she slimmed down she kept her massive mammaries.  AWESOME!  So I wonder how many girls who want bigger boobs will gain a lot of weight and then work it off just to get bigger boobs.  She also talked about how her boyfriend won her over.  He bought her a chandelier and then she fell in love.  That's it?  Well, single ladies, I have a few lamps around my house that could be yours if you promise to fall in love with me once I give you the lamp.  Ladies?

Amy Winehouse checked into rehab for the 571st time.  She obviously never listened to her own song.  Before she went to the rehab center she went to a bar and got trashed on vodka.  That's how you do it!  Then she went to a hair salon to doll herself up for check-in and she went into the bathroom and ralphed all over the place.  People in the salon said it was rather violent and loud.  Then after she threw up, she apologized and left to go wash out her mouth with vodka.  You know, she's pretty smart.  The best thing to cure a hangover and wash out your mouth after throwing up is vodka.  Does she really need rehab at this point?  Can't we just call her a full-blown alcoholic?  There's a fine line between struggling with drinking and drinking so much you barf in a beauty parlor and then drinking some more before you check yourself into rehab.  God, and she wants to have kids.

Scotty McCreery won American Idol.  It's nice to see he's already doing the milk mustache commercials.

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This lady is really happy Scotty McCreery won.

Lisa Lampenelli performed in Topeka, KS this week.  She learned that Westboro Baptist Church would picket her show so she promised to donate $1,000 for every Westboro protester that showed up.  44 protesters showed up so Lisa donated $44,000 to the Gay Men's Health Crisis.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.  I'm glad I am unblocked so you can read this so be kind, comment, and recommend and promise not to turn me into COINTELPRO.

I can't get into my Xanga from my home computer.  I figure it was because I started a new blog last night for some of my other writings.  I find this hilarious because the second I start a new Xanga account I get blocked however when other people here start multiple accounts they make the front page.  I guess this means I am done with Xanga unless they unblock me.  It's been nice knowing you. 

I have nothing to write about so I will attempt to be funny.

MVP?  Chicago will never when another title.  They will be just like the Cubs.

Especially when it comes to housemaids.

I've noticed that since he announced his candidacy that my grocery store has not been able to keep tinfoil on the shelves.

I wonder if libertarians refuse to give blood or take blood transfusions.

Here's a fun game for all the tea-baggers to play.

I'm not a parent so I had to ask.

Even Walmart thinks I'm fat.

Walmart may think I'm fat but I know that I am a hardcore gangsta.

"I'll take a one-way ticket to Rocky Mountain Way, please."

...in bed.

How can one team have so much Hart?

I'm staring at the man in the mirror, I'm asking him to change his ways.  If you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and PUT ON SOME DAMN PANTS.

And now you can Cyclops like a boss.

And anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.

Pretty much.

Every time someone calls themselves a foodie I want to call myself an assualtie and beat them upside the head.

You know what burns me?  Fire.

Forget spending money on penis enlargement pills and equipment; just find a girl with a small vagina.  Match made in heaven.

Why is that when a girl licks a lollipop or banana in public she’s sexy but when I start fingering an Arby’s roast beef sandwich, I’m the pervert?

I’m pretty disturbed by the GOP and the lack of real candidates for President.  It seems they keep lowering the bar.  Right now that bar is almost as low as Bristol Palin’s panties on a first date.  Speaking of Bristol, Sarah Palin is so dumb that she thinks Matzah balls are something Bristol enjoys after a first date.   I fear Herman Cain’s election because he has no clue that the Tea Party probably wants to lynch him or at least strip him of his civil rights because that’s the conservative thing to do.  Cain won’t get elected because Americans care more about quality pizza than they do issues and Godfather’s had some pretty shitty pizza.  When Sarah Palin was shown a photo of Herman Cain she said she’d love to debate President Obama.  At least it’s not as bad here as it is in Cuba where everyone’s losing their jobs.  Oddly enough I didn’t know they had jobs in Cuba.

Gas station hotdogs should come with a roll of toilet paper.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I felt really stupid when I went back to the pawn shop today to get all my stuff back because there was no rapture.  Also I hate the fact that bill collectors didn’t take the rapture into account when trying to shake me down.  The rapture did happen but only in Detroit and no one noticed.  Can you imagine the stunt Fred Phelps will have to pull in order to regain his status as America’s #1 insane religious zealot.

Ladies, never yell at a man for leaving the toilet seat up.  You should be lucky enough to have a man living in the same house as you.

Want to eat a meal for nothing?  Go to your local Mexican restaurant, order a glass of water, and dine on free chips and salsa.  I feel like such a boss as I ask for more chips and salsa and walk out of there without paying.

I miss winter.  Well I actually miss writing my name in my neighbor’s backyard the most.

Ray Romano has sold his image to Planned Parenthood.  When a woman wants to get an abortion she’ll have to stare at an image of Ray with a judgmental look and a caption that says “Everybody would have loved Raymond.”

The only place it’s acceptable to fart in public is the doctor’s office or Walmart…at the doctor’s office because you can just blame it on a medical condition and at Walmart because you need to cover the stench of the mouth-breathers.

Apparently the number of people 55 and over with STDs has risen 45%.  I think it’s time that they include penicillin with a Viagra prescription.

I think “The Macarena” is white people’s “Dougie”.

When girls say “you’re adorable” I hear “I’m never having sex with you.”

In honor of national vegetarian week I will refrain from eating and beating meat.

Bob Dylan is 70 today and his music still resonates all these years later.

I was going to play this elaborate Rapture prank but I didn't have the patience.  I was actually in the grocery store when the Rapture was supposed to happen.  I told one of the workers that if things started shaking that I was planning on looting.  They looked at me like I was a guy on To Catch a Predator.  I was going to do some post-Rapture posting but my computer was acting funky.  It wouldn't recognize my mouse or keyboard.  Weird stuff, man.  Anyway, I got to get a guy to look at it.  I'm not that computer smart.  Then Sunday...tornadoes.  I think the rains started right after lunch as I was making my plans for the afternoon so I went in my living room to watch some TV and then the weather radio went off and I don't think it stopped until about 10PM.  Up and down for the sirens.  At least I was safe. 

I think this would make a great t-shirt.


Please Lord, let take them away.

It's October...that's right, I forgot to carry the three and divide by 0 and that I don't know how to read and that the Rapture isn't a Biblical teaching.

Have you had a Bingo yet?

Now, that is how I'd like to Rapture.


Because I forgot Caturday.

Oh my

I'll relax if he has Progressive auto insurance.

I wish I had done this.

I bet the hawks had a delicious meal on Saturday.

I imagine this would have been numerous Xangans' reactions to the Rapture.



I love these.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So how was your weekend?

What a day!  I didn't sleep last night because every time I fell asleep I'd have a cat jump on me and demand attention.  I really should get their claws trimmed.  I know people think I should have them declawed by I think that is inhumane.  This way I get them in to see a vet every 6 weeks or so for a free check-up.  I only pay $4 to have the nails trimmed.  It was pretty bad because I was wearing a grey shirt last night and this morning I noticed red spots from where their claws broke my skin.  I had the day off so I watched Zodiac...god I love that movie and the whole story surrounding it.  I then planted a bunch of raspberry and blueberry bushes in my yard.  I am going to have quite the collection in a few years.  I am going to add a garlic patch in the next week and will plant my tomatoes, bell peppers, and jalapenos within the next few days.  I also picked my rhubarb today.  I don't really know how to cook it so I give it to my mom and she makes me all sorts of desserts.  I love rhubarb.  My mom wanted me to go to the local chain hardware/home improvement store to pick up some stuff for her garden.  I bought myself a couple more peppers.  One was called Pinot Noir and the other was Hungarian Death peppers.  CAN'T WAIT!  My mom has me load up her cart with mulch, fertilizer, and soil.  I was dragging around at least 400lbs.  Now my shoulder aches and because I planted those plants while it was sunny I am throbbing from sunburn.  I hate the side-effects of my medicine.  I can no longer get tan.  I am pasty white or burnt red.  We ate a Burger King which was a stupid move because next door to the Burger King is a VFW and they were hosting a middle school dance.  Christ, our world is screwed if those kids are the future.  We got out of there quickly and went over to the Culver's.  Do you have Culver's?  You should.  Their frozen custard flavor of the day at this location was Chocolate Eclair.  Is it wrong to get an erection from eating frozen custard?  Vanilla custard, chocolate syrup, pieces of eclair, and a little pudding...damn.  Now I am wearing one of those Japanese foot pads that is supposed to draw out impurities in your body.  Last time I wore one it turned black.  Anyway that was basically my day but you are probably reading celebrities by now.  Enjoy.

Trent Reznor turned 46 this week.  What an awesome photo!  You should check that site out.  If you had someone from your class that became famous would you post their high school photos?  I would but then I don't think anyone from my class ever became famous.

This is a leaked photo of Tom Hardy as Bane in the new Batman movie.  I've been apprehensive about that movie and that mostly has been regarding Anne Hathaway as Catwoman and I'm sure if they leaked a photo of her in her Catwoman gear I'd probably be saying "this shit is going to suck" instead of "I'm looking forward to this movie".  I don't think that makes me gay, it just makes me a real big fan boy and happy to see that Bane will have a storyline in a Batman movie other than being a mute slave.

Steven Tyler confirmed the obvious this week.  In his new book he talks about how he experimented with gay sex but it wasn't for him.  You know, I think everyone is gay but just to different degrees.  I mean, when a guy masturbates no matter what he thinks about he's still touching a dick for sexual gratification.  Anyway, if you have hate mail over that comment send your hate to thetheologianscafe@yahoo.com.  I think Steven should now leave American Idol because I'm pretty sure Ryan Seacrest is going to take it upon himself to bring Steven back.

Suri Cruise made a list of the best dressed in the U.K.  So are people over there wearing nothing but potato sacks that a 5 year old makes that list?  Suri has now accomplished more in her 5 years than I have in my...more than 5.  I think she's just being dressed up and shown off for the public.  If that's the case, Tom Cruise should've just bought a doll instead of going to all that effort jerking off into a turkey baster.

Sharon Stone wore this outfit to take her son to the park.  Why wouldn't she?  If you are not on the edge of fashion then you are behind.  I still think it would be awkward for all my friends and everyone in the park staring at my mom and her hooker boots.

Hey look, Sarah Jessica Parker is auditioning for the new Medusa movie.  Her hand should definitely get that role.

A rumor made it's way around the web and even ended up on CNN that 13 year old Rebecca Black was pregnant.  She took to Twitter and informed us that she wasn't.  She's 13!  Girls that young don't have sex unless of course they live next to Roman Polanski.  Even if she did have a baby, it wouldn't be the worst thing to come out of her.  Have you heard Friday?

OOOOOOOHHHH NOOO!  Macho Man Randy Savage died this week after having a heart attack behind the wheel and crashing his car.  He was 58 years old.  Macho Man is reunited with Miss Elizabeth in the squared circle in the sky.  Snap into a Slim Jim in his honor.  OOOHH YEAH!  I am still thankful I had him do a guest blog.

This is Olivia Wilde and she was spotted being very friendly with Salman Rushdie.  He sort of looks like a homeless guy and she is apparently dating him.  Salman was married to Padma Lakshmi.  Maybe Salman's pen is mightier than other guys' swords.

So now Miley Cyrus is posing like this.  Next thing you know she'll be doing Playboy and then Penthouse and then she'll do a Skinemax film and then it'll be Hustler and then she'll be appearing on VH-1 for one of their "Where are they now" specials.

This is Michelle Williams.  She has been cast to play Glinda the Good Witch in an upcoming prequel to The Wizard of Oz which is being tentatively called Oz: The Great and Powerful.  Sam Raimi is directing and Mila Kunis will play the Wicked Witch of the West and James Franco will play The Wizard and Rachel Weisz will play the Wicked Witch of the East.  The story is basically that Glinda and the Wizard join forces to battle the evil witches.  They are filming in Michigan.  I couldn't think of a more fairy tale-esque location.  I wonder if Oz: The Great and Powerful will sync up with Dark Side of the Moon.  Maybe they should try to sync it with a different Floyd album.  I'd go for Meddle.

Mel Gibson is in Cannes to hype The Beaver.  It looks more like he's hyping The Passion of the Sugar Tits.  Seriously, Mel, it's time to look for a Mansierre or a Bro.  I know a guy that sells them for a good deal and he's very discreet.

Lindsay Lohan was interviewed by a radio station this week and the host asked her if she was a lesbian or if she was bi and still into guys.  Lindsay said she was bi and still liked men.  THANK GOD!  Now I can rapture a happy man.  I couldn't live any longer without knowing whether she was into men or women or both.  Too bad she's still an idiot.  It's been estimated that she's paying $250,000 for her legal defense against the charges that she stole a $2,500 necklace.  So why is Lindsay's life in the toilet?  She's a bad actress, drug addict, or terrible at managing her money or a little of each.  If she was smart with money, she would have known that buying the necklace outright would have left her with enough money to pay rent, buy a car, and buy a case of Valtrex and the morning after pill.

Lars Von Trier stirred up a shitstorm at Cannes this week.  He had this too say: "I really wanted to be a Jew, and then I found out that I was really a Nazi, because, you know, my family was German. Which also gave me some pleasure. What can I say? I understand Hitler, but I think he did some wrong things, yes, absolutely. But I can see him sitting in his bunker in the end. He's not what you would call a good guy, but I understand much about him, and I sympathize with him a little bit. But come on, I'm not for the Second World War, and I'm not against Jews. ... I am very much for Jews. No, not too much, because Israel is a pain in the ass. How can I get out of this sentence? OK, I'm a Nazi.  I don't have so much to say, so I kind of have to improvise a little and just to let the feelings I have kind of come out into words. This whole Nazi thing, I don't know where it came from, but you spend a lot of time in Germany, you sometimes want to feel a little free and just talk about this shit, you know?"  I sort of understand what he's saying.  I think it's sarcastic in how that people assume that Germans are Nazis.  I say I'm German and I get looks.  I studied Hebrew with a rabbi and I wanted to apply for a job at the synagogue but he was apprehensive because my name was "very German".  It sucks.  I can't help it that I had a family member who was a higher up at a death camp and I also can't help it that I had family who died in the death camps.  How fucked up are my family reunions!  I'm pretty sure Von Trier's career in America will be screwed even though Americans seemed to have forgiven Henry Ford.  I really enjoyed his movie Dancer in the Dark and I dug his style of using non-simulated sex in his movies.  That's right, if there's sex in one of his movies it's real but people won't watch them because he's a Nazi but they will drive a Ford.

Last week Stephen Hawking said that there was no afterlife and the notion of heaven was a fairy tale for people who are afraid of the dark.  Well this week, Mike Seaver...I mean Kirk Cameron weighed in: "Professor Hawking is heralded as 'the genius of Britain,' yet he believes in the scientific impossibility that nothing created everything and that life sprang from non-life.  Why should anyone believe Mr. Hawking's writings if he cannot provide evidence for his unscientific belief that out of nothing, everything came?  [Hawking] says he knows there is no Heaven. John Lennon wasn't sure. He said to pretend there's no Heaven. That's easy if you try. Then he said he hoped that someday we would join him.  Such wishful thinking reveals John and Stephen's religious beliefs, not good science."  OK here's the thing, may I point out where Kirk is wrong?  He says Stephen Hawking has no evidence and yet Kirk Cameron provides no evidence the other way.  And I don't care what you think of me but...NOBODY HAS PROOF!  There was no eyewitness footage either way.  Believe what you want and don't harass someone who believes something that you don't.  I'll respect what you believe but that is dependent on your respect for me.  Give respect, get respect.  And if you want to send me hate mail, here's my address: thetheologianscafe@yahoo.com.  So often Christians stray so far from what the Bible teaches and who Jesus was and what he taught.  Jesus' message sure sounds like the conservative Christian movement in politics, doesn't it?  I love seeing all those Hummers parked at megachurches with the NRA stickers on one side and the "I accepted Jesus as my Lord" stickers on the other.  Sort of makes me think that Christ's message is a message of inconvenience to most modern Christians.  "Do I really have to help the poor?"  "Did the early Christians really live in a communal state?"  "Do I really have to turn the other cheek?"  "Do I really have to love my enemies?"  I'm guilty of not always doing that so I guess that doesn't make me a true Christian.  Oh well, I'll enjoy spending time with you after you aren't taken up in the Rapture.  Maybe we can pawn the Jesus fish on the back of your car.

Khloe Kardashian...wow, just wow.  I think I want to charge that because of the red and the tightness and the...fap fap fap.

Katy Perry is very reasonable and demanding.  I guess being a manufactured pop star who only gets people to listen to her because hangs her tits out of her clothing is a tough job.  Smoking Gun got a hold of her 45 page rider contract.  Here are some of the demands.  Her dressing room has to be colored cream or pink and must have two cream-colored egg chairs, one of which should have a footstool.  A coffee table needs to be “perspex modern style.” A pair of floor lamps should be in “French ornate style.” And the singer’s refrigerator must come with a glass door.  She also demands these flowers: white and purple hydrangeas, pink & white roses and peonies and if they aren't in season or available she'll settle for a selection of seasonal white flowers to include white orchids but absolutely NO CARNATIONS (that part was in caps and underlined in the rider).  Katy requires that her hotel stay be at a presidential suite in a 5 star property with free internet service and a complimentary breakfast must be provided to the performer and her touring party.  Chauffeurs are not allowed to start conversations with her and are also banned from talking to her guests or fans.  Drivers can't stare through the driver's mirror and can't ask for autographs and every car in which she rides must have four bottles of water.  She also reserves the right that her company be allowed to purchase tickets to sell them to ticket brokers.  Basically she is scalping tickets for her own shows.  People claim this is standard so I guess my argument is made.  I'm wondering about the carnations.  Did one try to molest her?  Are they poisonous?  Seriously, someone has to let me know.

Julianne Hough was spotted in Miami this week.  That breaks my heart.  She told me she wasn't going to the Sadie Hawkin's Day dance but here she is frolicking poolside in Miami.  I can't go on living with such deceit.  Thank God tomorrow is the end.

Donald Trump announced this week that he won't be running for president.  And he issued this statement: "After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the Presidency. This decision does not come easily or without regret; especially when my potential candidacy continues to be validated by ranking at the top of the Republican contenders in polls across the country. I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election. I have spent the past several months unofficially campaigning and recognize that running for public office cannot be done half heartedly. Ultimately, however, business is my greatest passion and I am not ready to leave the private sector."  So he says he would win the nomination and the presidency if he ran but he's not going to run.  The good news for Republicans is that Jimmy McMillan from The Rent is Too Damn High Party has tossed his hat into the ring for the GOP nomination.  I think disclosing his financial and business dealings isn't in his best interest.  The only way he can be President is if President is the name of one of his housing projects.  If you thought he'd actually run and win, oxygen is a precious resource so please stop breathing and let the rest of us breathe. 

There was some buzz about an anchor at a major news network coming out of the closet and here he is, Don Lemon.  I think people were disappointed it wasn't Anderson Cooper.  I was sort of upset it wasn't Dick Quest, the CNN anchor who was arrested in Central Park for possession of crystal meth.  That wasn't the oddest thing about the arrest, he had a rope tied around his neck and genitals and he also was packing a dildo.   Don Lemon had this to say about coming out: "I’m scared. I’m talking about something that people might shun me for, ostracize me for.  It’s quite different for an African-American male. It’s about the worst thing you can be in black culture. You’re taught you have to be a man; you have to be masculine. In the black community they think you can pray the gay away.  You’re afraid that black women will say the same things they do about how black men should be dating black women. I guess this makes me a double minority now.”  No, I will not make a Tyler Perry joke.  I'm glad he can now live with himself openly.  What are the perks about being "out"?  He probably won't get third looks if he's making out with a dude in public and he won't be embarrassed if he's caught listening to Ace of Base on his iPod. 

Demi Lovato posted this on her Twitter this week along with this tweet: “I’ve been working so hard to get healthy and fit.. I can’t believe I’m about to do this but I’m so excited.. Here’s my bikini time body!”.  She has lost a significant amount of weight since she left rehab.  I'm not saying she's starving herself or back on drugs but she's probably worked harder at cleaning her room than she has at being healthy and fit.  Some how I get the feeling that we'll see this photo in a new Hydroxycut commercial soon.  But she could have at least taken a better photo.  I look at it and ask, "is she trying to hide a penis?"

Courtney Love was at Cannes this week.  I now know because of this photo I won't be going on up to the East Side in the Rapture this weekend.

Cher turned 65 this week and now it's time for my obligatory "If I Could Turn Back Time" joke.  When Cher realized she was 65 this morning she looked into the mirror and said "if I could turn back time" and she did by going to her plastic surgeon.

It appears as if Miley Cyrus has signed Cameron Diaz to be the first model for Miley's new line of clothing...Hillbilly Apparel.  I hate Cameron.  Why must the media insist that I like her?  Why is she in the top 5 of Maxim's Hot 100?  All my female readers on Xanga should be ranked higher than her...am I trying too hard?  Sorry, I'm bad at being single.

Raise your hand if you have an illegitimate child.  And that is all I'm going to say about that shitstorm.

Amy Winehouse checked into a clinic this week in an attempt to prepare her body for a potential pregnancy.  They need those experts from Hoarders to clean out her body.  People are claiming she'll be having her implants removed.  Well I guess that's a good thing because she wouldn't want her breast milk to be tainted with silicon although with all her drinking she probably still has vodka mixed with her breast milk.  What a loving mama!  She's going to give her child a White Russian.

And so it begins...the new cast of Two and a Half Men.  Jon Cryer is pretty sarcastic because he said Ashton Kutcher was a great actor and extremely talented.  I'm surprised he isn't a comedian because saying that about Ashton Kutcher brought me to tears from laughter.  Just look at him in the left photo.  The look he is giving is the same one I give when someone suggests we try the vegan restaurant.  Angus Jones is laughing because he realizes how much money he'll make in this season and hopefully last season of Two and a Half Men. 

I hope everyone has a great weekend.  Make it a good one because I hear it's going to be the last one.  As I said on my facebook, I was driving around and noticed the bars were empty and most every house had no lights on.  Everyone must be getting a good night's sleep so they can get yardwork done tomorrow so their lawn can look pretty for the Rapture or they want to be well rested to meet Jesus.  Anyway, have a great weekend. 

This evening I was planning to go to an Amish greenhouse to buy some tomatoes and peppers for my garden.  I got about 5 or 10 minutes outside of town and I'm talking with my mom about an incident that happened while I was working last summer explaining how I had a gun pulled on me when out of nowhere a HUGE turkey glided across the road.  I came within a few feet of hitting that thing.  I'm pretty thankful I didn't hit it because it was so huge that it would have came through my windshield and probably broken my neck.  So I pulled over to watch that monster strut around a corn field acting like he owned that shit and I was nothing.  I also wanted to make sure there weren't any hens following him and I also had to make sure my heart slowed down.  I also had to tweet about it because all 4 of you had to know I almost died.  I get over to the Amish greenhouse and see a little girl jumping rope in the parking lot so I figured they were open.  I turn into the property and the girl takes off running into the greenhouse and puts the closed sign up.  We were the only vehicle there and then it hit me...it's Thursday.  That's one of the Amish days of rest, typically Thursday is a community day for weddings and funerals.  I turned around and went to another greenhouse in the country.  This one isn't Amish, it's Lutheran.  I bought tn tomato plants and ten bell pepper plants.  I'll probably go back tomorrow or Saturday to get some jalapeno pepper plants.  I just needed to get some planted before I got any more.  I also got myself 2 raspberry plants and a garlic plant.  I was going to plant garlic but they said if I planted it now it wouldn't grow so I have to plant in fall.  Remind me this fall that I have to plant my garlic.  Then I came home, watched The Office and even though it was a great episode I was disappointed.  I also learned that I shouldn't drink a lot of water after taking my evening medicine because now I am a walking firehose every ten minutes.  And how was your day?  Link time.

1.  This might be the greatest porn site ever...It's All About Bacon.  Seriously, it's not porn, it's just bacon.  It's just so hot and makes me feel tingly...wait that's a stroke from eating so much bacon.  Why do I smell burning hair?

2.  I remember reading somewhere where a Xangan thought she could be a stripper just because she was a good dancer.  There is so much more to stripping.  I won't tell you how I know here but if you ever want to know, message me and I'll dish.  Anyway here is a site called Life as a Stripper.  It may make you change your mind about stripping.

3.  I enjoy Twitter and so does 50 Cent.  I'm not saying that this makes me as good as 50 Cent but I'd like to see how he works with the Amish and wild turkeys.  Anyway if you follow him on twitter (and it's hard to follow him because he's about as mush-mouthed on that as he is in his "rapping") you will notice that he likes to flirt with his female followers.  Here is a collection of some of the best at Fiddy's Biddies.  Someone needs to make a Xanga page chronicling all the times I flirt but then that would probably be used against me.  Nevermind, don't do it.

4.  I don't really know how to build this one up.  It's a collection of cartoons about trees and different ways to see them. 

5.  This may be one of the most interesting sites I've come across in a while.  It's a collection of 35 roles that Jim Carrey auditioned for but was not cast.  Some of those roles could have changed Carrey and made the movies more enjoyable especially Austin Powers, Garfield, The Da Vinci Code, and The Three Stooges.  And then don't get me started with the sequels.

6.  Since Newt Gingrich has pretty much lost the GOP nomination, you better enjoy these awkward photos of Newt now before he fades into obscurity.

7.  Do you have an iPhone, blue tooth, Fidel Castro hat, or Guitar Hero and think you're cool?  Well you're not and here's why.  There are other items on there that might apply to you so check it out. 

8.  It's always fun to go back and see the roles today's star celebrities had before they became famous.  Well here is a collection of stars that did commercials early in their career.  Some of the stars were also well-established at the time and probably regret doing those commercials.  Why is it that all these years later I remember Jason Alexander and the McDLT?

9.  My birthday has come and went and no one gave me a present.  THIS IS WHAT I WANT and THIS and THIS and THIS and THIS and THIS.   Remember I teach history and these would be in my classroom because they had to happen, right?

10.  I know I posted this link before but I thought I'd revisit it because it came up in a conversation this week.  It's called Natural Harvest, a Collection of Semen Based Recipes.  OK so there are no recipes on the site and it's just a site to promote the book but the URL is sort of funny and not the mention the concept of cooking with semen. 

11.  I think I may have found the worst website in the world.  It's called Yvette's Wedding Dresses.  Trust me, you have to see this one.

12.  Saturday is the end of the world according to a church in Florida.  They aren't the first to predict that the world would end.  Here is a website that has chronicled many of the predictions of the world's demise that didn't pan out.  Clear out a lot of time to read all the predictions.  And don't be so quick to laugh and say it's all Christians because they aren't all Christian predictions.  There's some scientists who thought the world would end.  I look at the year I was born and see one Christian prediction, one Ba'Hai prediction, a psychic's prediction and a scientist's prediction.

I love my country.

It was such a good episode tonight but they could have given me a little more.  I've been watching for a couple years now.  MORE!

I am actually in the mood for a caucasian.

Excellent choice...now I have a craving for Arby's.  Do they still have the stuffed jalapenos and berry sauce?

Am I the only one who threw up a little when I first saw this?

And there is your job creation people...FOUR MORE YEARS!

OK so here are some of my haikus.  Nothing exciting.  I included a lot of the ones I used as comments from my last collection.

A pelican haiku                                      I apologize
I would never have thunk it                    I'm a huge asshole right now
I still fear the birds                                 How about a beer?

How could I forget                               Charlie Sheen is god
To write a haiku for you                        He will never go away
I apologize.                                           Just like HIV

That unique haiku                                Coprophagia
written for Rob of the Sky                    I should give it up for Lent
Rick Astley is god                                There's always next year

Love your approval                            Buddha is quite smart
the laughter makes me fuzzy                He came to my home last year
loosening my tie                                  Really just my town

I do what I want                                 I'm glad you enjoy
Haikus are what you make them         These unreal, crazy haikus
man man man man man                      Here's your very own

Watching The Office                          I make the pizza
inspired me to write more                  You should bring the alcohol
win back Angela                                Hot wings for breakfast

Baskets filled with cash                      Thank you very much
or better yet cash baskets                  Did you notice these haikus
What's up Big Tuna                           Comments are haikus

Must get back clients                         Will do my dear sir
Should I turn right or go straight          Are you working on any
Car is in a lake                                   New stories about blues.

Where are the turtles
GIVE ME BACK THE TURTLES NOW!
They just don't get it

Let us hug it out                                 Speaking of bingo
over a couple fine beers                     I should get to the casino
I swear I am straight                          Shuffle up and deal

Vampires in Nawlins?                         Winning is winning
Such an eerie location                         This is another haiku
Witch training camp near my house     You will now have two

(OK I found it really weird that a few weeks before bin Laden was killed I wrote one about him.  I'm like some sort of freaking haiku Nostradamus)
You want a haiku?                              Do you crave a beer?
Find Osama bin Laden                        I have some varieties.
Then you get haikus                            Schells and New Glarus

Evil teenagers                                    I consume some wine
The bane of society                           Wine made in Minnesota
Shouldn't be vampires                       Morgan Creek Vienyards

Thank you very much                         Should write about sex
I appreciate your thoughts                  Can't remember what it is
Thanks for stopping by                       Spam haikus suffice

Comments are haikus                         Whiskey yum yum yum
I love to write my haikus                    Whiskey in a girl who's dumb
It's time for whiskey                           That makes me happy

You watch TBS                               Keys you hang up there
Wow, I watch that station too           Sometimes you can be useful
According to Jim                              But not when I'm drunk.

Episode today                                  Wooden plank holds books
Launch Party part one of two            It also holds other things
I hate two parters                              Its color is brown

Can I start talking                              There you are full with cheap ink
Is this thing on, give signal                  Grey and black, made of plastic
Need real sushi                                  You printer of stuff

Alfredo's Pizza                                   A painting of boats
Hot flaming circle of trash                   Looks like a paint by numbers
quote's hard in haiku                           Hotels fucking suck

You've heard it here first                     Fan in room is on
I hope you have a good night              Blowing cool air while playing
Here's a hug and kiss                          Dungeons and Dragons.

Picture of cancer;                               Colorful and small
Article on how to stop                        Stills upon its pedestal
It from killing you,                               Unfortunate hat

Corner of my wall                               Both Calvin and Hobbes
Nothing is anywhere near                    Getting high on my desktop
Just chilling up there.                           I too can relate

My name is The Hulk                         Small can of Nestea,
You shouldn't make me angry             Artificially sweetened,
I will rape your face.                           I want to drink it.

Book about improving my brains,        Oh lamp over there
Even the white tiger passes you by.      You illuminate my room
A muffin skeleton.                               When the sun is down

Puckered swollen flesh                        As I peer into
I don't think that belongs there             The darkness beside my screen
Crimson summer rain                           Eyes cannot adjust

Oh magic 8 ball                                   Big Sanyo TV
You predict nothing of use                   You were cheap but also a
But I shake you still                             Bit blurry and lame

Books over yonder                              Pillow on the floor
Filleth mine mind with knowledge         You have a sock that's on you
If i ever read...                                     I should pick it up

Empty Poweraid                                  Haiku start with five
Bottle sitting on my desk                      Then seven in the middle
Why are you empty?                            And five at the end.

Slowly killing me,                                 Crazy ass fan thing
With Monotonous garbage,                  You have no blades inside you
Damn television.                                   Are you a wizard

Blue lava lamp,                                     Boobs inside lacy bra
Why are you never turned on?              You tease me so 
Hold on I'm coming.                             I will rape you with a stick

Companion cube                                  Rice field in china
How I loves you so much                     Poster i got for birthday
Cake is a lie                                         Starts getting dusty

Bowl of emptiness                                Neon green dishrag
You once were full of food                   Why do you blind me so much?
Barren and now dead                           Time for a lighter

DSL Router,                                        Electric kettle
How much internet you give,                 Turn it on for hot coffee
Thank you for the porn.                        Sexual metaphors

Goddamn wine bottle                            Guitars make music
You've been on the window ledge         Sometimes they're decorations
Since my last haiku                                I'm no guitarist

My shoes are awesome                         Hi amplifier
Step in dog shit on way home                Why do you make things louder?
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!               It is annoying

Ugliest curtain                                       Five inch heels of death
In a room of ugly things                         Sexy leather crossed spiked straps
Fuck, is that an ant?                              I love hooker boots

Oh, soft sweet kleenex                         Japanese haikus
Without you I'd make a mess               Americans love this shit
You poor cum dumpster                      You fucking weaboos

Balls hanging too low                           Haikus are easy
Careful you'll put an eye out                 First line; five syllables, then
Give them room to swing                     Seven, five again

Jerking lubricant                                  V For Vendetta
Providing such sweet relief                   I never saw that movie
During those hard times.                      The Mask is cool though

Pictures that move so                           A warm sandy beach,
Show me what I want to see                Palm trees on the horizon,
You're my slave, TV                            Poster is wrinkled.

Jabroni beatin'                                     Freddy Garcia
Pie eatin', Trail blazin', Eye-                 Oh how I hate the Yankees
Brow raisin', Great one                        Here we go Red Sox

Such a great album                              A highlighter pen.
It's Jethro Tull's "Aqualung"                  The color is navy blue.
I have the vinyl                                     This haiku sucks dicks.

Jack Daniels candle                              Picture of my ex
Candle sitting in bottle                          Why can I not take you down
I want Jack Daniels                              You are such a bitch

Hello, dirty sock                                    IE shortcut icon,
You are hung up there to dry                 Patiently waits on desktop,
Till we meet again                                  It is never used.

Monster energy.                                    The world is so small
Keeping me awake all night.                  Shrunk down so minuscule why?
It will kill me soon.                                We see it so light

Ghost of my dead dad                           I've been wondering  
First thing that comes to my mind           How to drive away Xangans
Bring on the whiskey                             Photos of my dick.

And for those that don't want to read haikus:

You know, this pretty much sums it up.

Have a great night and may all your parties be awesome.