When you marry someone, do you tell them your bathroom habits and medicines you take before or after the wedding?  The best part of the Royal wedding was when I figured out that “Naked Tit Model” is an anagram for Kate Middleton.  The royal wedding date will now be celebrated every year and will be henceforth known as “Stupid Hat Day”.  Ladies, remember you all are princesses to me.

Do you think the Tea Party and GOP would have danced in the streets if the mission to get Bin Laden failed?  What would have made them shit their pants is if Obama quoted Wu-Tang Clan in his speech.  This is unconfirmed but inside sources say that the Navy Seals dressed as Cheney, Bush, and Rumsfeld to fool Bin Laden into thinking his buddies were visiting.  The Navy Seals will never have to buy a beer ever again.  The Republicans didn’t want Bin Laden dead because they trade in fear and don’t want their boogeyman to disappear.  Sarah Palin let the world know on Twitter that she saw the whole raid from her porch in Alaska.  I think the greatest injustice is that Bin Laden died before he became a trending topic on Twitter.  I wonder if anyone yelled “too soon” at Gilbert Gottfried Sunday night…nope, he didn’t tweet anything other than his prayers and thoughts are with the Bin Laden family.  The White House isn’t going to release the photos of Bin Laden because they may be too gruesome.  Are they going to allow me to post photos of me wearing a speedo?  Bush isn’t releasing a statement about Bin Laden’s death until he gets home from vacation.  The reason why Obama was so delayed in speaking on Sunday evening was that he was too busy faxing Donald Trump Bin Laden’s death certificate.  The government is debating whether or not they should hold a funeral for Bin Laden and charge everyone $100 to spit on his corpse.  They could cancel the national debt but then Westboro Baptist would protest.  Bin Laden died from lead poisoning in the head and chest.  Islamabad is a pretty poor name for a city when your religion already has a poor P.R. image.  I hear that Bin Laden was a member of Netflix and the next movie in his queue was “Catch Me if You Can”.  I feel bad for Al Qaeda because they didn’t draft a new quarterback this weekend.  Bin Laden is like my sex life…dead.  Now that the world’s greatest villain has been conquered we can go back to focusing on Charlie Sheen.  When are Bin Laden jokes going to die?  NEVER!

I proposed to my girlfriend in Las Vegas and then laughed at her when we got home and she wanted to start wedding planning because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I shouldn’t have a Clapper in my bedroom because the lights drive me crazy every time I get a standing ovation after sex.

Never ask a Jewish girl if she has one in the oven.  My Jewish family members have totally cut me off.

I was recently shopping for a new pet.  Bought myself a French Bulldog.  Horrible purchase…it surrendered to my neighbor’s German Shepherd within minutes.

Whenever my ex talked about being an independent woman, I handed her a jar of pickles to open.  I am good at opening those jars because I have an extra tight grip because I’m single.

People often talk about what song they like to play in the background while they have sex.  For me, believe it or not it’s “The Greatest American Hero”.

The only time I ever lie is when people see me listening to my mp3 player and ask what I’m listening to and I cover up the cover because it says Matchbox 20 and I say Pixies.

I’ve found that cutting down my alcohol content has made me a bigger asshole, sorry Xanga.

Oh and because everyone was quoting him yesterday, I found this MLK quote today: “It’s cool when attribute quotes to me that I never said.  I also love being tied to the biggest dickhead in the world.  Thanks, guys.  Why don’t the conspiracy theorists say I’m still alive?”

The answer to the pictogram in my last post was: "Pour some sugar on me."  Reference to the greatest song ever recorded and memory of seeing my college roommate and his brother at a concert and them pouring sugar on people in the row in front of them.  The first photo is poor people, the second photo is asking for you to find the sum, then sugar, an on button and a photo of me.  Oh and you can never hold back spring...BULLSHIT...it snowed today for about 3 minutes though...May 3rd and it snows.