Well it was such a fun Cinco de Mayo for me.  I didn't have a drop of liquor because I had to serve as shuttle service.  My aunt's flight arrived in Chicago last night and she caught a airport bus that runs between UW and Chicago.  I drove down to UW to pick her up.  The drive down was pretty boring until I got into Madison and saw the huge Mexican restaurant that was packed to the rafters and across the street from that was the strip club...I mean burlesque show that offers the breakfast buffet and that was packed.  I get down to the campus and there are drunk chicks running all over the place.  I almost hit a few...not hit on but actually almost hit them with my Blazer because they jumped out in front of me.  I sat down at Memorial Union waiting and of course the bus was delayed.  Finally she got back and we left.  I almost hit more drunk kids.  Once I was out on the interstate I was cruising along and hearing stories that made me sick to the stomach.  I wanted to get home as quickly as possible and then I had a state trooper flash his lights at me so for a while I had to go the speed limit.  As we got closer to home it got foggier and the deer were running.  That was nerve-racking.  Anyway, you know how emo I got if you followed my twitter.  I think I finally got home about 2:30 or 3AM.  Well you probably have stopped reading by now and are reading me talk about celebrities so I guess it's time for the round-up.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how MTV was handing out Jersey Shore spin-offs to Snooki and JWoww and Pauly D.  Well this week they announced that The Situation would also have his very own show.  I really hope those 2012 prophecies hurry up and get here before that shit hits the airwaves.

Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn attended last weekend's White House correspondents dinner.  I don't know why either of them were there but I remember reading how Scarlett was on Obama's jock...well actually his Blackberry and they would have text conversations.  Anyway they were there and caused quite a seen.  When the dinner began they played the Star Spangled Banner and everyone rose to show respect for our country.  Well everyone but Sean Penn.  I don't get what that fuck's problem is.  I know there is shit that's wrong with America but by acting like a sullen little teenaged bitch you aren't helping your cause.  Remember that Muslim NBA player who refused to stand for the national anthem before NBA games?  Yeah, neither do I because he faded into obscurity.  Penn, you only have 1 or 2 movies left in you unless you start saluting that flag.  The worst part of the night was during the dinner, Scarlett sat in Sean's lap and in between their moments of feeding each other they were making out.  Then they got up and left for an hour. People were thankful they left because of the PDA but were pretty much disgusted when they realized what they were doing for an hour.  I thought I couldn't hate Sean Penn anymore than I do.  I'm going to teach that commie terrorist lover a lesson and I'm going to masturbate to photos of his girlfriend.

I will admit something here and now:  I am not a comedian.  If you want true comedy go follow Sarah Palin on Twitter.  You know why she wants Obama to release those photos?  She needs new masturbation material.  Of course you know that once he releases those photos she'd tweet about how he should be releasing more jobs to Americans.  I couldn't find the tweet but I'm pretty sure she talked about how Obama was weak on terrorism and how she could see Pakistan from her backporch.

Rick Springfield was arrested for DUI last weekend.  He was charged and then released.  This got me thinking.  This has to be the most newsworthy thing Rick Springfield has done since he released "Jesse's Girl"

Oh Pippa Middleton...you couldn't get out of that bridesmaid dress fast enough, could you?  Since you're on your knees I'd give you a royal decoration with my scepter.  Seriously, I have a make shift scepter and I would have a damehood ceremony.  Get your minds out of the gutters, you pervs.

Paris Hilton was at a fundraiser last weekend called "The Race to Erase MS".  And instead of helping erase MS she was mesmerized by her breasts.  I always knew she was in love with herself.  She's really upset they haven't mastered human cloning.  If she had sex with her clone would that be considered masturbation?  Wow...three masturbation jokes this week...you can certainly tell where my sex life is these days.  You know, I don't blame Paris for doing that.  If I was a woman, I'd probably go to lengths like that to take sneak peeks of myself.

Nicki Minaj was in concert once again and she pulled out her new favorite stage prop.  I was led to believe that the adult novelty company only made the mold and then made one replica.  I think I'm going to have to sue someone because I don't like my genitals exposed like that.

Hello Kitty is crying tears of joy because Mariah Carey gave birth to her twins last weekend.  It seems like she's been pregnant forever which makes sense since she had twins and each one takes 9 months so that's an 18 month pregnancy.  I took biology in a Lutheran high school and my teacher refused to say the word penis, go figure.  The baby girl was born first and weighed 5lbs. 3 oz.  The boy weighed 5lbs 6oz.  People are claiming that Mariah was very calm while Nick was very nervous.  Shouldn't that be the other way around?  OK let all the hate mail come in.  I don't know, I've never had kids and I doubt I ever will.  Well I know...I...won't ever have a kid but I will never be a father.  Not long after the children were born and taken to have all the baby goop cleaned off, Mariah and Nick renewed their wedding vows with none other than Al Sharpton presiding.  Imagine yourself as a baby and seeing your mom and dad for the first time holding hands while the Revered Al Sharpton is screaming about something or other.  Damn...that's weird.  I think most women would be renouncing their marriage after giving birth.  A lot of people have been wondering what sort of fanciful names would Mariah give these children.  It took a few days for the names to be released and here they are; the boy is named Moroccan Scott Cannon and the girl is named Monroe Cannon.  Mariah said her son was named after her favorite room in her NYC penthouse.  SHE NAMED HER SON AFTER A ROOM!  Leave it to Mariah.  I guess that's better than the name of her second favorite room which is Shitter.  I have a feeling the real reason is that is where she figured the children were conceived.  That shit will torture their kids when they get older just like a pastor I know who named his son some German name because he claims his son was the best souvenir he could have ever wanted.  Mariah said Monroe was named after Marilyn Monroe.  I'm really shocked she didn't name them Lisa and Frank since she seems to live in a Lisa Frank style notebook cover.

Lindsay Lohan was recently spotted coming out of her court ordered community service.  First, that is not the coke she is used to ingesting.  Second, when working you probably want to wear a bra although the people she works with usually don't wear bras and they would consider her dress style "professional".

Does peroxide work on your eyes?

Here's Kim Kardashian and her boyfriend Kris Humphries.  She really does look good in a bikini.  It's a good thing they weren't in Canada because they'd probably try to beat her ass because it looks like a baby seal.  I'd club it.  I really have no clue what I am talking about so just admire the photo.

Keith Urban, Tiger Woods, and John Mayer won lifetime achievement in douchebaggery awards at the Douchies this last weekend.  Urban was nominated for that hair.  Tiger was nominated for that shirt and his penis' antics.  Mayer was nominated for being John Mayer.

Katy Perry said that she no longer uses Google to Google herself because she did once and learned of Russell Brand's secret marriage proposal so the secret was ruined.  I like to think she read my site but probably not.  So ever since then she claims she's a normal person who doesn't Google herself (why does Googling oneself sound so dirty).  Oh yeah, because normal is being a millionaire with worldwide fame, and causing more stiffness than rigor mortis.  Since Katy Perry has said she hasn't and will never pose nude she's not the only one who no longer googles her.

This is Kat Dennings.  She is in the new Thor movie and she played the daughter in The 40 Year Old Virgin.  Wow, she sure has grown out...I mean up...oh wait that's me.

It seems like yesterday when Justin Bieber was just a fertilized egg and then this weekend he's having eggs thrown at him.  At a concert in Sydney, Australia, Justin was in some sort of spastic dance routine and eggs were thrown at him.  None of the eggs hit him...damn.  A 17 year old boy broke into the stadium and crawled into the roof and stood above Bieber and dropped the eggs during a dance routine.  The kid was charged and released and will face sentencing later for trespassing.  The police found him because of braggadocios behavior on Facebook and Twitter.  Come on, kid, everyone knows you buy a ticket in the front few rows so if you throw stuff at the performers then you can't be charged with trespassing.  After leaving Sydney, Bieber was onboard a Qantas flight.  When the seatbelt light was on, Bieber and one of his crew members got up and started walking around the plane.  Bieber ignored requests that he sit down.  Finally a flight attendant got up and yelled at him to return to his seat and if he wanted to act like a child she would treat him like a child because he was breaking security protocols.  He then sat down and buckled up.  What a brat!  The fact that he thinks he's above the law isn't the real story.  He's a teenager, he's going to act like a fool.  What's the most surprising thing of this story was that he wasn't sitting in first class.  Maybe his mom grounded him and his punishment that he could only fly in business class for a month. 

Jordin Sparks tweeted this photo of her weight loss.  Hmmm I seem to remember this whole "purity ring" thing with her.  Maybe she melted down that purity ring and had it molded into a belly button ring with the engraving "Fat Virgin No More". 

Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly did this at a Lakers game.  Now I hate the Lakers even more.  Dallas won!  Maybe Dirk Nowitzki will win an NBA championship so he will no longer be a nein-time champ.

Jesse James is crying over shit that he brought upon himself.  He was on Nightline and cried about he never got to see the baby that he and Sandra Bullock adopted.  Maybe next time you decide to stick your dick in a tattoo with a pulse you'll think about the ramifications.  Then after saying that he went on Howard Stern and talked about how Kat Von D is much better in bed than Sandra Bullock.  If Kat Von D was catatonic during sex, he'd still say her because she's the current woman he's with.  Howard said this about Kat Von D: "If she cheated on you, you'd be devastated. You'd understand the hurt that Sandra went through."  Jesse James replied: "If she cheated on me, I would forgive her and still love her."  This guy just avoided any blame by getting in a dig at Sandra Bullock.  I think Kat Von D should just put him to the test and come over to my house this weekend. 

George Clooney turned 50 this week.  That smug bastard!  I shouldn't wish him a happy birthday because he's so smug but considering no one probably wished him a happy birthday in those first two photos I guess it all evens out.

Flava Flav was arrested in Las Vegas this week.  You'd think that a rapper like Flav would be arrested for something hardcore.  You'd think that because a rapper like Flav was in Las Vegas, he'd be arrested for something hardcore.  If you think this then you are a dullard.  Flava Flav was arrested for unpaid parking tickets.  That's hardcore.  This was his mugshot.  Is it me or does he look like he could be the love child of Bill Cosby?  He has that Jell-O pudding pop eating grin.

Antonio Sabato Jr's girlfriend Cheryl Nunes gave birth to their child this week.  They gave the child a normal first name and the last name is normal as well but the middle name they bestowed upon their child is the middle name to end all middle names.  Their son's name is Antonio Kamakanaalohamaikalani Harvey Sabato III.  Kamakanaalohamaikalani means "a beloved gift from the heavens." Try saying that three times fast.  If your jaw doesn't fall off, you'll be struck by lightning from the Hawaiian gods.  I would consider naming a daughter Kamakanaalohamaikalani just so if any guy tries to ask me for her hand in marriage I could deny him since he doesn't pronounce her name properly.

Ann B. Davis turned 85 this week.  Given that it is the 150th anniversary of the start of the Civil War and given that the Tea Party is fighting for state's rights, I really hope the Tea Party succeeds in their goals to bring back slavery because I really would want to own some people.  I know Christians denounce slavery but it is condoned in the New Testament and don't play the "but times have changed" card without me playing the Malachi 3:6, Hebrews 13:8, and James 1:17 cards and the "didn't God write the Bible" card and the "so you're wiser than God" card.  Anyway, the first person that I'd want to own is the slave, Alice, from The Brady Bunch.

Poor Andy Dick...I wish he could go to a bar, sit down quietly on a stool, sip his drink, and be calm, but sadly that's not how he rolls.  Andy decided to fight his substance dependency by going to a bar and getting trashed.  The bar called the police and they responded.  Andy was arrested, charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct and taken to the drunk tank and then released on $500 bail.  Well since it was only a misdemeanor for Andy I'm pretty sure he just kept his penis to himself and didn't piss all over someone like he has done in the past or stick his dick in their food like he has done in the past.  On the bright side, Andy looks pretty healthy in his mugshot. 

This is the car belonging to one of the stars on MTV's Teen Mom.  Apparently some woman has accused Amber Portwood of stealing her man.  I can't believe I'm writing this.  I just wish that series would go away but no, it's not.  Why do people who speak out against teenage pregnancy love that show?  FUCK!  I wonder if I can hire the SEAL team that killed Bin Laden.

Britney Spears, the Louisiana Trailer Park Flower, may have gotten engaged last weekend.  OK, that rumor seems to float around every other week or so.  I think her handlers get that going to gauge how popular she is.  I feel bad for her and for her ankles...those shoes look painful.  Maybe I'm just thinking with my feet but how can ladies wear heels?

Video Section
Here's the egg throwing incident.

I think Kurt Cobain would have problems with Miley Cyrus singing his songs.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and a happy mother's day.