Yesterday I wasn't around because I get a call early in the morning from my dad saying that he needs a ride to the hospital an hour away because it's for an eye doctor and he won't be able to drive.  I said I'd have to get gas and oil.  He told me that he'd call me back.  I was getting ready and he calls me and says that my aunt was going to drive but he still wanted me to go with because that way we can celebrate his birthday...oh shit, I forgot.  I should have remembered because it's always near Mother's Day.  I remember the one year it was on Mother's Day and as a joke I gave him a Mother's Day card.  Bad move...he cried and then started screaming.  I learned my lesson, never be funny.
My aunt picked me up and then we left town.  We drove through Amish country.  That is always a joy.  You just have to be careful with driving so you don't hit any of the inbred children that love to run and walk in the road, not getting horse shoe nails in your tires, and tourists driving slowly trying to capture the Amish on film.  I've come to the realization that every business in these parts tries to capitalize off the Amish and it involves two words...cashew crunch.  Have you ever had this stuff?  It's so addicting.  It's more addicting than heroin but not as bad as meth.  According to this recipe, it's simple to make but I can never get it to taste right.  I swear it must be made with secret Amish butter.  It's also incredibly pricey.  I stopped at a gas station and saw they had an Amish candy section.  Cashew crunch...$9 a pound.  As much as I love the stuff, there's no way I'm paying that much.  Besides, it would only last me one sitting because cashew crunch is that enjoyable.  Speaking of that gas station, I have to remember to go back there sometime because they had some beers that I have never seen in my liquor store plus they have Four Loko and one of these nights I just want to blackout.
Remember when I said I got all that cheese?  Well I got more, all of the same variety.  I can't wait to make myself a grilled cheese with it.  Is it wrong that I am twitching in certain areas in anticipation for a tandouri gouda grilled cheese?
We get to the hospital and this place is beautiful.  I usually don't say that about hospitals because I have irrational fears of those places.  I guess it's because for the longest time, every time a family member went into a hospital for observation they never come out.  I was sitting reading my ESPN Magazine while looking at the bluffs on one side and the Mississippi on the other.  Just such a beautiful location.
My dad needed surgery but they won't do that until later.  He has some sort of hole in his eye and sweet lord that freaks me out and I'm feeling queasy just thinking of it.  My mom, I forgot to mention she was there, wanted to go to a store and she told me I had to navigate.  Well I navigated my aunt to take me to a pawn shop.  I was looking for a watch.  Yeah, I'm frugal and I have huge wrists so I was hoping to find something at the pawn shop.  I found this awesome watch and it fit so I was twitching but then I asked how much and the clerk said $150.  Now this might not seem like a lot but it is to me especially with my track record of watches.  Oh well, I'll continue to use my cellphone as a pocket watch. I almost bought a Wii and then a tablet and then a 66 inch TV and then and then and then so I settled on a playstation game that was $3.  My mom was furious so I got them over to the Dollar Tree.  I went in and got some soap and shampoo.  My dad rested in the van.  My mom decided that she'd leave the van door open for my dad and of course while we were in the store it rained heavily and got the interior soaked. 
We then decided it was time for supper.  I got us to a pizza joint called Pizza Doctors.  I've written about it before when I have visited and when I caught a Food Network show that was there.  All I know is that I came out of there about 20 pounds heavier.  OK maybe not that much but it sure felt like it.  We pay and they ask if there are any pizzas we would want to see on the buffet.  "Macaroni and cheese?" "Yes sir, we can put that in right now."  They called me sir.  As I sit down this really cute girl who is integral to the title asked if I'd like to try a cheesey pretzel pizza.  "Of course."  I have a slice and it was so good.  I went to the buffet and try a slice of BLT pizza, Caesar chicken, and a ham and cheese pizza.  I set down and am enjoying this wonderful food of the gods when the same cute girl comes by, "Sir, would you like to try the Big Mac pizza?"  "Big Mac pizza?"  "Yes, it has a Big Mac sauce, cheese, hamburger, lettuce, onions, and pickles."  "Give me one."  I take a bite and I for lack of a better term came.  Big Mac pizza!  It was awesome, so awesome that I went and had more.  "Sir would you like Macaroni and Cheese pizza?"  "Yes."  "Sir would you like barbecue chicken pizza?"  "Yes."  "Sir would you like puppy chow pizza?" "Yes."  "Sir would you like Take 5 pizza?" "Yes."  "Sir would you like gyro pizza?" "Yes."  As I was getting ready to explode I noticed more dessert pizzas...peanut butter and jelly, pina colada, peanut butter and M&M, and apple.  The cute girl asked if I'd like any others.  "Skittles?"  "Well we only make half a Skittles so you have to pick something else on the other half." "Oreos"  "OK we'll have those up soon."  Skittles pizza...AMAZING!  If you want to see other pizzas on this menu, check it out here.  Well here comes the integral key to the title, when I was getting a refill the girl asked if she had seen me before.  I said, that I was pretty anonymous and somehow she laughed.  She asked if I had a blog and vlog.  Eyebrows raised.  "I think I've seen you on the internet."  "Hmmm maybe you have.  Can I get a glass of water too?"  "Do you have a Xanga?"  "Yes, and a Diet Pepsi?"  "You're funny."  "Do you have a Xanga?" "Yes, but I have to go get pizza." So I guess that means I had a Xanga meet-up but I didn't get to ask her about it.  So delicious pizza girl, if you're reading this give me eprops.
Then I came home and moaned all night from overeating. 

Who is the world's most interesting good boy?  Who is?  Who is?  Yes, you are.  You're the world's most interesting good boy.

I am the world's most interesting man if that is criteria.

I don't know why but I fear this pope.

So sad but true.

If the aliens wanted us to know they are here, they'd beam up the infants when they are tossed in the air.

Well I can't send you a text because I have a few people around.  God...he looks so young.

I once told people at a bar in Minneapolis that I was this kid on the Cosby Show.  I received free drinks all night.

I'm home for 15 more minutes.  I'm hitting the lake today and maybe will make my way to the Mississippi.

I wonder how many guys celebrated Mother’s Day by watching MILF porn.  Speaking of Mother’s Day, we all know the true message is “please get all the housework done on Saturday”.  I gave my mom the greatest gift of all; I let her know that I’m now willing to be put up for adoption.  I wonder if the redneck mothers spent the day up against the wall.  I took my mom out to lunch on Mother’s Day and I didn’t eat my vegetables to tell her she wasn’t the boss of me.

I wonder how Glen Danzing celebrated Mother’s Day: “mother…hope you have a happy Mother’s Day…hope you get those flowers and that card…mother”

I look at marriage in the same way Osama bin Laden did; I’m not losing my bachelorhood but I’m gaining a human shield.  Speaking of bin Laden, the SEAL team is reporting that bin Laden was on the phone trying to buy Rush Limbaugh merchandise.  Many people in the Muslim world believe that Osama is alive.  I guess “Osama” is Arabic for “Elvis”.

The real reason why I always keep gum in my pants is in case I ever run into Roddy Piper.

After listening to “Mambo #5”, I have to know how many STDs Lou Bega has.

I have infiltrated the headquarters for the Tea Party.  They are working on a new motto:  “Cut spending, we’re broke…but give me my Social Security, my Medicare, my mortgage deduction, and my farm subsidies.”  I think I get why they want smaller government.  They want it to get so small so they can fit it into a woman’s uterus and then they can control it.  Apparently Newt Gingrich is running for president of America.  At first I thought it was president of douchebags given his track record of divorcing his wife while she is in a cancer ward.  I wonder if the people who are clamoring for help in the South are still going to tell us we need to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps.  Nope, they get hit by a natural disaster and complain that the government isn’t helping them fast enough.  The elderly need to start footing their share of their Medicare and Social Security because the wealthy in this country have suffered enough.  As someone who has funded 10 Pink Floyd laser light shows at tech schools I have no clue what fiscal responsibility means.  This isn’t a joke but the GOP presidential candidates’ debate got fewer viewers than Dora the Explorer according to Nielsen ratings.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Does the five second rule apply to eating food stuck in your chest hair?

McDonald’s is trying to change their image and remodeling their restaurants with a more upscale look.  The good news is that you still get the same violent diarrhea after eating the food.

If a bear and the Pope were in the woods would the bear wipe his ass with the Pope’s hat after he took a shit?  I think I butchered that but if I wanted to take a butcher's word for it I'd stick my head up a bull's steak.  I'm not good at those things.

When I write on a white board, I hold two black markers and write with both of them simultaneously and then at the end of everything I write, I post “brought to you in 3D”.  I’m just fishing for a teacher of the year award.

A study recently found that Mexicans and Chinese work more hours a week than Americans.  That’s because they are working American jobs.

Coca-Cola is gearing up for their 125^th anniversary celebration and the American Dental Association will be organizing the parade because Coke has kept them in business all these years.

I wish my Xanga crush would say “Come and get me, big boy” more often.

I think my street gang never took off because no one took our name seriously.  I’d like to see you come up with a better name than The Popsicle Boys.

I usually hate onions on my pizza but I will love onions on my pizza if my date is really hot.

All my friends with benefits suck.  I have this horrible tooth ache and none of the benefits are dental coverage.

If those penis enlargement pills actually worked thousands of men would die every day from overdoses.

It’s time for bed; I’m so tired that I think I could watch a Tyler Perry sitcom.