I feel odd when I bring my Never Kink brand hose into the bedroom.

Xanga is a great place to worry about how all the people we don’t know will judge us.  And a recent study shows that Xanga users claim to not give a fuck 30 times a day but secretly they do give a fuck 29 times.  If you didn’t give a fuck then you wouldn’t need to reassure us that you don’t.

Pick-up lines guaranteed to work: “You may not be the prettiest girl here but beauty is only a light switch away.”  “Do you have a boyfriend?  Yes, well contact me when you want a manfriend.”  “I’m conducting a research study to find how many women have pierced nipples and I need empirical data.”  “Which one of the Spice Girls are you?”  “Hello, I’m a foreigner.  I have Russian hands and Roman fingers.”  “Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm?”

It’s hard to relax by my pool when my girlfriend is mowing the lawn.  She said that having sex with me should get her on an episode of “Dirty Jobs”.

Why does my grocery store call all their banana sales “Ladies Night”?

I don’t ask for much but I wouldn’t mind having everything.

Do people in third world countries understand the phrase, “Bite off more than you can chew”?

Ladies, if you want to take estrogen treatments but can’t afford the estrogen, try drinking Zima.  You also don’t need a sleep number bed to find out a man’s favorite sleep number is 69.

I’ve always wondered why women’s bathrooms have hinged toilet seats and on a related topic, why am I in a woman’s bathroom?

Have you ever wondered if Glenn Beck masturbates to photos of Newt Gingrich or if Bill O'Reilly loofahs himself to photos of Donald Trump or if Ron Paul wishes he didn't walk out on Bruno?

You can’t buy a woman’s love but you can rent her affections.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

They say ketchup makes everything better.  It’s a lie because I dumped a bottle on a Vikings jersey and they still suck.

People think it’s difficult to fart in someone’s face.  It’s not, it’s actually a breeze.

Most dishwashers breakdown after 2 or 3 years.  My dishwasher is 27 years old and still going strong.

Apparently, a large amount of porn was found on Osama Bin Laden’s computer.  Two films were Shaving Ryan’s Privates and Forrest Humps.

Fashion tip of the week: guys, the deeper your v-neck is the larger your vagina is and it’s never cool to wear sweatpants in public especially if you have them hiked to your armpits with a t-shirt tucked underneath.

I don’t remember much of last night but I know it must have been good because I woke up wearing a lobster bib.

Does anyone here have IKEA furniture?  If you do, have you ever had sex on it and broke it?  I just hope I’m not the only one but maybe I’m a little self-conscious because I was alone at the time.

I caught a white rabbit in backyard this afternoon but it didn’t tell me where the drugs were.

I had a hot piece of ass last night.  I’m thankful my meat market sells donkey.

I usually take girls on dates to see movies because I don’t like to talk.

If the end of the world really is this Saturday then why aren’t the hookers booked solid up until the end?  And if you need someone to look after your pets and yard after the rapture, drop me a line.  My prices are reasonable but then you won't be worrying about how much you're paying me if you're raptured.  We need you to make me your power of attorney before Saturday though.