Every time someone calls themselves a foodie I want to call myself an assualtie and beat them upside the head.

You know what burns me?  Fire.

Forget spending money on penis enlargement pills and equipment; just find a girl with a small vagina.  Match made in heaven.

Why is that when a girl licks a lollipop or banana in public she’s sexy but when I start fingering an Arby’s roast beef sandwich, I’m the pervert?

I’m pretty disturbed by the GOP and the lack of real candidates for President.  It seems they keep lowering the bar.  Right now that bar is almost as low as Bristol Palin’s panties on a first date.  Speaking of Bristol, Sarah Palin is so dumb that she thinks Matzah balls are something Bristol enjoys after a first date.   I fear Herman Cain’s election because he has no clue that the Tea Party probably wants to lynch him or at least strip him of his civil rights because that’s the conservative thing to do.  Cain won’t get elected because Americans care more about quality pizza than they do issues and Godfather’s had some pretty shitty pizza.  When Sarah Palin was shown a photo of Herman Cain she said she’d love to debate President Obama.  At least it’s not as bad here as it is in Cuba where everyone’s losing their jobs.  Oddly enough I didn’t know they had jobs in Cuba.

Gas station hotdogs should come with a roll of toilet paper.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I felt really stupid when I went back to the pawn shop today to get all my stuff back because there was no rapture.  Also I hate the fact that bill collectors didn’t take the rapture into account when trying to shake me down.  The rapture did happen but only in Detroit and no one noticed.  Can you imagine the stunt Fred Phelps will have to pull in order to regain his status as America’s #1 insane religious zealot.

Ladies, never yell at a man for leaving the toilet seat up.  You should be lucky enough to have a man living in the same house as you.

Want to eat a meal for nothing?  Go to your local Mexican restaurant, order a glass of water, and dine on free chips and salsa.  I feel like such a boss as I ask for more chips and salsa and walk out of there without paying.

I miss winter.  Well I actually miss writing my name in my neighbor’s backyard the most.

Ray Romano has sold his image to Planned Parenthood.  When a woman wants to get an abortion she’ll have to stare at an image of Ray with a judgmental look and a caption that says “Everybody would have loved Raymond.”

The only place it’s acceptable to fart in public is the doctor’s office or Walmart…at the doctor’s office because you can just blame it on a medical condition and at Walmart because you need to cover the stench of the mouth-breathers.

Apparently the number of people 55 and over with STDs has risen 45%.  I think it’s time that they include penicillin with a Viagra prescription.

I think “The Macarena” is white people’s “Dougie”.

When girls say “you’re adorable” I hear “I’m never having sex with you.”

In honor of national vegetarian week I will refrain from eating and beating meat.