I feel odd when I bring my Never Kink brand hose into the bedroom.

Xanga is a great place to worry about how all the people we don’t know will judge us.  And a recent study shows that Xanga users claim to not give a fuck 30 times a day but secretly they do give a fuck 29 times.  If you didn’t give a fuck then you wouldn’t need to reassure us that you don’t.

Pick-up lines guaranteed to work: “You may not be the prettiest girl here but beauty is only a light switch away.”  “Do you have a boyfriend?  Yes, well contact me when you want a manfriend.”  “I’m conducting a research study to find how many women have pierced nipples and I need empirical data.”  “Which one of the Spice Girls are you?”  “Hello, I’m a foreigner.  I have Russian hands and Roman fingers.”  “Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm?”

It’s hard to relax by my pool when my girlfriend is mowing the lawn.  She said that having sex with me should get her on an episode of “Dirty Jobs”.

Why does my grocery store call all their banana sales “Ladies Night”?

I don’t ask for much but I wouldn’t mind having everything.

Do people in third world countries understand the phrase, “Bite off more than you can chew”?

Ladies, if you want to take estrogen treatments but can’t afford the estrogen, try drinking Zima.  You also don’t need a sleep number bed to find out a man’s favorite sleep number is 69.

I’ve always wondered why women’s bathrooms have hinged toilet seats and on a related topic, why am I in a woman’s bathroom?

Have you ever wondered if Glenn Beck masturbates to photos of Newt Gingrich or if Bill O'Reilly loofahs himself to photos of Donald Trump or if Ron Paul wishes he didn't walk out on Bruno?

You can’t buy a woman’s love but you can rent her affections.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

They say ketchup makes everything better.  It’s a lie because I dumped a bottle on a Vikings jersey and they still suck.

People think it’s difficult to fart in someone’s face.  It’s not, it’s actually a breeze.

Most dishwashers breakdown after 2 or 3 years.  My dishwasher is 27 years old and still going strong.

Apparently, a large amount of porn was found on Osama Bin Laden’s computer.  Two films were Shaving Ryan’s Privates and Forrest Humps.

Fashion tip of the week: guys, the deeper your v-neck is the larger your vagina is and it’s never cool to wear sweatpants in public especially if you have them hiked to your armpits with a t-shirt tucked underneath.

I don’t remember much of last night but I know it must have been good because I woke up wearing a lobster bib.

Does anyone here have IKEA furniture?  If you do, have you ever had sex on it and broke it?  I just hope I’m not the only one but maybe I’m a little self-conscious because I was alone at the time.

I caught a white rabbit in backyard this afternoon but it didn’t tell me where the drugs were.

I had a hot piece of ass last night.  I’m thankful my meat market sells donkey.

I usually take girls on dates to see movies because I don’t like to talk.

If the end of the world really is this Saturday then why aren’t the hookers booked solid up until the end?  And if you need someone to look after your pets and yard after the rapture, drop me a line.  My prices are reasonable but then you won't be worrying about how much you're paying me if you're raptured.  We need you to make me your power of attorney before Saturday though.

• Your name and username.
• Where you're from.
• Pronounce the following words: Aunt, Roof, Route, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Pajamas, Caught, Naturally, Aluminium, GIF, Tumblr, Crackerjack, Doorknob, Envelope, GPOY.
• What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
• What is a bubbly carbonated drink called?
• What do you call gym shoes?
• What do you call your grandparents?
• What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?
• What is the thing you change the TV channel with?
• Choose a book and read a passage from it.
• Do you think you have an accent?
• Be a wizard or a vampire?
• Do you know anyone on Xanga in real life?
• End audio post by saying any THREE words you want.

There, mock me.

I was going to post that 10 day thing and do the accent thing but my computer is acting all weird.  I'll aim for that later in the week.  Sigh...I hate technology.  In the meantime enjoy some pics.

This is a photo going around of a party that LeBron James threw at a nightclub in Miami.  It must be nice to be rich.

And then LeBron James will look at Derrick Rose and say, "It must be nice to have a ring."

The KKK is reinventing themselves.  Here is the new subgroup called the Poo Klux Klan.

It's not real so just settle down, Kowalski.  Just give it time.

Tom Cruise.

You know, I'm anxiously waiting for May 21.  Just like I anxiously wait for all the days over the past years of my life when people have predicted that the world will end.

And a potato gun.

If that is the case then I should have created a Utopian society by now.

Meh...he's just a little racist.

Pretty much sums it up.

You are now going to check if that is a real product...Jedi mind tricks...I wonder if they work.  They say the force is strong with me which is probably because I sit around the house toying with my Death Star.

And speaking of dildos.


Facebook makes my brain explode.

So I saw this on those Secrets posts and I am flattered.

Do they really matter?  Formulate your own opinions and morals.  Now look at cats because it was/is #caturday.

I hope your weekend has been going accordingly.

So I got a little emo last night.  Some of the stuff I've been dealing with has really weighed heavily on me and then I come here and I see how people are acting it hurts even more.  I deal with kids on a daily basis and come here to escape that but the kids I work with are more mature than adults on Xanga.  At least the kids I work with care about others and aren't worried about how they feel and damn everyone else.  I also don't fear saying anything away from here and then deal with hypocrites who say "If you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all" and then they belittle people by calling them cunts and whatnot.  Oh and then saying trolling is so evil when it's done to them but applauding the efforts of those who create fake sites to troll people.  It's just wearing on me but at least getting some sleep seemed to help.  God, I think I'm having a midlife crisis and I'm way too young for that but given the abuse I've put my body through that's probably the case.  I actually think I started this when I turned 25.  I should be out of it by now, right?  Anyway, I decided to try to churn something out.

And just like that NBC canceled Wonder Woman after hyping it.  They probably saw the early footage and asked themselves, "What the hell were we smoking?"  They didn't pick up the series and thus denied my right to mock that show.  One of the alleged reasons why they didn't like it was because the character cover story was that she would be a CEO of some sort of company and the executives didn't think that a superhero being a CEO would be believable.  Hello...Batman.

Whitney Houston entered out-patient rehab this week for drug and alcohol treatment.  A spokesperson said that this is a part of Whitney's long term recovery process.  Long term recovery process doesn't mean swallowing fistfulls of drugs and cases of booze at the drop of a hat.  Of course people are blaming Bobby Brown for this.  How the hell can you blame your lack of self-control on someone else?  Anyway, I hope her thirst for crack gets cured.

Vin Diesel had this to say about "Fast Five" this week: "I wouldn't be surprised if there is some Oscar talk around this. I don't know, maybe I'm just biting off what some guy from Channel 7 thought. But sooner or later, people are gonna say, 'Wait a minute, just because they are for the working class doesn't mean they're not great.'"  I think Vin inhaled a little too much exhaust fumes on the set of that movie.  I think the criteria for an Oscar worthy film is that it has a plot and decent acting not someone who talks in monotone and looks like the missing link and doesn't have the storyline that is simply "We have to drive fast to do something".  If "Fast Five" is nominated we should also have a petition to nominate "Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son".  I'm also thinking Vin wants to be nominated for Best Actor and if that's the case we also need to nominate Kevin James for "The Zookeeper" and in the Best Actress category Justin Bieber needs a nomination for "Never Say Never".  Even though the Academy has been saying Kevin James is long overdue, I'm certain this is Diesel's year.

I think Sarah Jessica Parker is trying to shed the image that she looks like a horse and is trying to appear to be something a little bit fiercer.  I think she's trying to look like a lion.

Salma Hayek was at the kick-off for the Cannes Film Festival in France this week promoting some animated crap.  It's sort of fitting she was there.  Her huge cans at Cannes.  That reminds me of the time I was invited to Huge Cock Festival. Of course they invited me for my attitude.

Vivid Entertainment offered Pippa Middleton $5million to do a 20 minute sex scene.  This is further proof that the U.S. dollar is lacking value.  $5million for 1 pound.

Miley Cyrus and her mom Tish were spotted in Rio this week.  And they gave an impromptu gallery of shitty tattoos.  You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl.

Another former star entered rehab this week.  Matthew Perry checked in for drug and alcohol treatment but before he entered he sent out a statement beating the tabloids to the punch: ""I'm making plans to go away for a month to focus on my sobriety and to continue my life in recovery. Please enjoy making fun of me on the World Wide Web.”  Damn, I was going to make fun of him but it's not fun to mock someone when they invite you to do so.

Nick Cannon gave Mariah Carey this necklace valued at $12,000 for Mother's Day.  She had been a mother for a few days and she gets that necklace and then most moms who have made a career out of momming and have been moms for years get nothing but some dandelions and a piece of paper with some crayon scribbles.  WHY ISN'T THE TEA PARTY OUTRAGED?

Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly bought a Salvador Dali painting for $1.2million this week.  That doesn't mean he has good taste in art, it just means he has a lot of money.  I'd look like a Renaissance man if I had his money to spend on wall ornaments.  I would have more deer heads and more jackalopes.  I might also get that classy painting of the dogs playing poker.  Who painted that?  Every time I see it for sale the signature in the corner says "reprint".  I've never heard of the artist named Reprint...must be French.

Did you see Lady Gaga on American Idol this week?  If you did then you'll know why I can tolerate her.  Thanks to the good wholesome people at FOX they censored her penis stiletto heels.  You know when this music thing fails, there's a genre of porn she could get into with those heels that would probably be ground-shaking.

Oh joy!  Get the barley water ready!  Prepare the spaceships for an intergalactic battle with Xenu and his cadre of fanatic alien overlords.  I wonder how Suri will freak out now that she won't be the center of attention.  Maybe Katie got pregnant because Suri wanted a lifelike doll.  I wonder if L. Ron approved of the mating ritual or if Tom Cruise just jizzed into a turkey baster once again.

And the Bieliebers have a new enemy #1.  Marg Helgenberger said this about Justin Bieber: "Um. Justin Bieber wasn't bad. He never acted before. I shouldn't be saying this, but he was kind of a brat. He was very nice to me. But he locked one of the producers in a closet and he put his fist through a cake that was on the craft service table."  You know why he locked a producer in the closet?  If Bieber can't come out of the closet then no one can.  If you were a 17 year old millionaire would you know the meaning of the word "no"?  Either way, we should get Crime Stuff In Miami to investigate the murder of that cake.  I know some of you question whether or not karma exists for a spoiled teenage celebrity who thinks his shit doesn't stink.  Well karma does exist, just ask Corey Haim.  I'm not saying that Justin Bieber will fade from the spotlight and be forced to do humiliating reality series to pay for his drug habit and then die from an overdose but I do have my fingers crossed.

If being handsome, rich, and charming wasn't enough, Johnny Depp had to go and prove he was nice too.  While in the U.K. promoting the release of some new Pirate movie, Depp decided to go for supper at a local pub instead of going to fancy restaurants.  The first night he ate at the pub he left a $1000 tip.  The next night he left a $1200 tip.  This begs me to ask, does he wipe with $50 bills or $100s?

Jessica Simpson must have forgot that KFC, Arby's, Burger King, McDonald's, In and Out, Long John Silver's, and Chik-Fil-A require their patrons to wear pants.  Maybe she's just sending me an advertisement for her new all you can eat buffet.

Hayden Panettiere broke up with Wladmir Klitschko this week.  I'd hate to be his next opponent.  So the forest elf broke up with the giant?  Fairy tale romances will never be the same.

Don Rickles turned 85 this week and he still is going strong.  My favorite quote by Mr. Warmth is something he said to Stevie Wonder: "Who picks your clothes?" 

A study revealed that Daniel Radcliffe was the richest actor under 30.  He's worth an estimated $78million.  In the good old days, dressing up like a wizard and pretending to fight monsters only lead to swirlies and wedgies not untold fame and riches.  You know, any girl that dates him should get acting awards.

People have been claiming that since Bristol Palin unveiled a new face that she had plastic surgery.  I'm not one to stir the pot by claiming she had plastic surgery but she had plastic surgery.  And what's this, Bristol has already released a statement saying I'm wrong: "It's not plastic surgery. I had corrective jaw surgery. Yes, it improved the way I look, but this surgery was necessary for medical reasons...so my jaw and teeth could properly realign...I don't obsess over my face. I am absolutely thrilled with the results. I look older, more mature and don't have as much of a chubby little baby face. I wouldn't get plastic surgery unless I got in an accident or something terrible and got disfigured."  Improved?  I actually think she looked better before.  I bet she'll get breast implants in the future and claim it is to correct some sort of medical condition.  The doctor actually didn't correct anything because her jaw isn't shut and she's still talking.  Because the Palins are like every common middle class American who goes out and gets plastic surgery, right?  WHERE IS THE TEA PARTY'S OUTRAGE?

Alicia Silverstone gave birth this week for the first time.  She had a baby boy and named him Bear Blu Jarecki.  You don't name a child Bear, you name a dog Bear, you name a specific group of homosexual men bears.  That's not a baby's name.

Adele's exboyfriend is suing her because he wants royalties from her recent album since he claims that he was the inspiration for her music.  That would be a precedent.  I should get money because Michelangelo had a time machine and used my likeness in his statue of David although he was generous in some area.  I've tried listening to Adele and I don't really get it but then maybe I'm a jerk like her exboyfriend.  Her music appeals to women who have been screwed over by men which is every single woman on the planet.

This is Aaron Schock, a Congressman from Illinois.  Shouldn't he be working in Congress and helping America instead of wasting the taxpayers' dollars by posing somewhat shirtless on the cover of magazines?  WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE?

CBS did the unthinkable.  They made Two and a Half Men worse.  Hugh Grant turned down $25million to replace Charlie Sheen so they offered the job to Ashton Kutcher and he accepted.  Chuck Lorre said that they have a funny way of introducing his character.  My guess is that he'll come looking for Charlie because Charlie is his long lost father or he'll be a funeral director and he gets attached to Alan after planning Charlie's funeral.  Kutcher is supposedly going to make $800,000 to $900,000 per episode.  While that's not Charlie Sheen money ($1.25million an episode) that is still a waste.  Of course the Vatican Assassin had this to say about the announcement: "Kutcher is a sweetheart and a brilliant comedic performer ... Oh wait, so am I!! Enjoy the show America. Enjoy seeing a 2.0 in the demo every Monday, WB. Enjoy planet Chuck, Ashton. There is no air, laughter, loyalty, or love there." I'm torn.  If Ashton succeeds that will tear Charlie Sheen's ego and all hell will break loose.  If Ashton doesn't succeed there won't be any more Two and a Half Men the world will still have Ashton Kutcher.  It's like Sophie's Choice with two Rosemary's Babies. 

Video Section:
I am a fan of The Amazing Race and this clip from the season finale made me cringe.

Marg Helgenberger probably isn't the Bielebers #1 enemy after seeing this.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.  I'm feeling a little better because this seems to be cathartic.

I'm not doing a Celebrity Round Up tonight and maybe not tomorrow.  I don't know...it's been a hell of a week.  I've been away from here because I just have.  Been going through some shit and dealing with family issues.  Maybe I need to go take a reflective walk while "Dust in the Wind" plays in the background.




sorry for the sappy shit

Hey, I forgot to do one of these last week.  I won't sum up my day today but if you go to my last pulse you can get a brief rundown.  I did get the dandelions.  Probably more than enough to make a few bottles of wine.  Yes, I'm going to attempt making some dandelion wine.

1.  I don't know I give tumblr so many links but it's hot and new just like Tagged, Hi5, and Myspace.  Anyway, this is called Nerdology.  It involves nerd stuff.  If you go there, you're a total nerd.  Oh and speaking of social networking sites, I just found this new one called Friendster.  I think it's going to be HUGE.

2.  Remember when you were a kid and your parents made you get your photo taken and it was the 80s and everything had to have lasers?  Well I do...quite vividly but those photos no longer exist so don't ask.  Even if they did exist, do you think I would post them?  Oh by the way, hi DesirePork, here's another shout-out for Refurbishing Cabbage.  Here's the real link...WE HAVE LASERS!  Trust me, you'll love it.  And if you don't, you're a dirty communist.

3.  You know in this economy the people who are really suffering are the traders on the floor of the stock exchanges.  See what I mean?  So sad to be only make hundreds of thousands instead of millions.

4.  Here's a fun site called Twaggies.  They take Tweets from Twitter and turn them into cartoons.  I don't think they've ever done one of mine...sad face.  I should totally tweet that.

5.  Here's another fun site involving Twitter.  These two guys will read tweets and then compose a song and sing you a 140 character song.  Why didn't I think of that?  Why didn't Refurbishing Cabbage think of that?

6.  Because I love The Office, here's a website devoted to the hottest toy at Christmas a couple of years ago, Princess Unicorn.

7.  I think I posted this before but I like it and it's very Daft Punk-esque.  This is the tone matrix.  You click on boxes and compose your own songs.  Fun times.

8.  Ugh...I don't think I will ever eat again after seeing this site of the most disgusting things found in food.  Subway..really?

9.  When I worked in a tourist town, I handled a lot of money and sometimes the money had crazy things written it.  One year I got caught up in this site called Where's George.  I'll let you look it up.  It was a site where you registered your dollar bills and then wrote on it to have someone log it in.  It basically tracked how many times a dollar bill changed hands.  I actually was a leader for a couple of weeks but that's because I was in a tourist town.  I kept one bill because it had all these things about priests molesting children on it.  Weird.  Anyway, here's a collection of things people write on dollar bills. 

10.  Remember a while back when VH-1 did exploitative dating reality shows?  Remember the show that starred a guy named Frank the Entertainer?  Well I fell in love with one of the contestants who was named Annie.  She didn't really belong on that show.  Turns out she wanted to get on the show to do performance art but got caught up in the ridiculousness of the whole thing.  Here's an article she wrote about becoming a famewhore.  I still love her. (She's the one in the pink thing)

11.  If you read my last post you know about the pizza and their different offerings.  Here's one they should have on their menu...the Peepza.

12.  USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA

Every time I see Thom Yorke dance this is what I imagine.

Yep, that's pretty much right.

That's just like the time the dog wanted to play fetch with me and use my fingers as a stick.

Mortal Kombat fans?

It's the weekend!

Please hold the applause...Friday the 13th?  Bring it.

Yesterday I wasn't around because I get a call early in the morning from my dad saying that he needs a ride to the hospital an hour away because it's for an eye doctor and he won't be able to drive.  I said I'd have to get gas and oil.  He told me that he'd call me back.  I was getting ready and he calls me and says that my aunt was going to drive but he still wanted me to go with because that way we can celebrate his birthday...oh shit, I forgot.  I should have remembered because it's always near Mother's Day.  I remember the one year it was on Mother's Day and as a joke I gave him a Mother's Day card.  Bad move...he cried and then started screaming.  I learned my lesson, never be funny.
My aunt picked me up and then we left town.  We drove through Amish country.  That is always a joy.  You just have to be careful with driving so you don't hit any of the inbred children that love to run and walk in the road, not getting horse shoe nails in your tires, and tourists driving slowly trying to capture the Amish on film.  I've come to the realization that every business in these parts tries to capitalize off the Amish and it involves two words...cashew crunch.  Have you ever had this stuff?  It's so addicting.  It's more addicting than heroin but not as bad as meth.  According to this recipe, it's simple to make but I can never get it to taste right.  I swear it must be made with secret Amish butter.  It's also incredibly pricey.  I stopped at a gas station and saw they had an Amish candy section.  Cashew crunch...$9 a pound.  As much as I love the stuff, there's no way I'm paying that much.  Besides, it would only last me one sitting because cashew crunch is that enjoyable.  Speaking of that gas station, I have to remember to go back there sometime because they had some beers that I have never seen in my liquor store plus they have Four Loko and one of these nights I just want to blackout.
Remember when I said I got all that cheese?  Well I got more, all of the same variety.  I can't wait to make myself a grilled cheese with it.  Is it wrong that I am twitching in certain areas in anticipation for a tandouri gouda grilled cheese?
We get to the hospital and this place is beautiful.  I usually don't say that about hospitals because I have irrational fears of those places.  I guess it's because for the longest time, every time a family member went into a hospital for observation they never come out.  I was sitting reading my ESPN Magazine while looking at the bluffs on one side and the Mississippi on the other.  Just such a beautiful location.
My dad needed surgery but they won't do that until later.  He has some sort of hole in his eye and sweet lord that freaks me out and I'm feeling queasy just thinking of it.  My mom, I forgot to mention she was there, wanted to go to a store and she told me I had to navigate.  Well I navigated my aunt to take me to a pawn shop.  I was looking for a watch.  Yeah, I'm frugal and I have huge wrists so I was hoping to find something at the pawn shop.  I found this awesome watch and it fit so I was twitching but then I asked how much and the clerk said $150.  Now this might not seem like a lot but it is to me especially with my track record of watches.  Oh well, I'll continue to use my cellphone as a pocket watch. I almost bought a Wii and then a tablet and then a 66 inch TV and then and then and then so I settled on a playstation game that was $3.  My mom was furious so I got them over to the Dollar Tree.  I went in and got some soap and shampoo.  My dad rested in the van.  My mom decided that she'd leave the van door open for my dad and of course while we were in the store it rained heavily and got the interior soaked. 
We then decided it was time for supper.  I got us to a pizza joint called Pizza Doctors.  I've written about it before when I have visited and when I caught a Food Network show that was there.  All I know is that I came out of there about 20 pounds heavier.  OK maybe not that much but it sure felt like it.  We pay and they ask if there are any pizzas we would want to see on the buffet.  "Macaroni and cheese?" "Yes sir, we can put that in right now."  They called me sir.  As I sit down this really cute girl who is integral to the title asked if I'd like to try a cheesey pretzel pizza.  "Of course."  I have a slice and it was so good.  I went to the buffet and try a slice of BLT pizza, Caesar chicken, and a ham and cheese pizza.  I set down and am enjoying this wonderful food of the gods when the same cute girl comes by, "Sir, would you like to try the Big Mac pizza?"  "Big Mac pizza?"  "Yes, it has a Big Mac sauce, cheese, hamburger, lettuce, onions, and pickles."  "Give me one."  I take a bite and I for lack of a better term came.  Big Mac pizza!  It was awesome, so awesome that I went and had more.  "Sir would you like Macaroni and Cheese pizza?"  "Yes."  "Sir would you like barbecue chicken pizza?"  "Yes."  "Sir would you like puppy chow pizza?" "Yes."  "Sir would you like Take 5 pizza?" "Yes."  "Sir would you like gyro pizza?" "Yes."  As I was getting ready to explode I noticed more dessert pizzas...peanut butter and jelly, pina colada, peanut butter and M&M, and apple.  The cute girl asked if I'd like any others.  "Skittles?"  "Well we only make half a Skittles so you have to pick something else on the other half." "Oreos"  "OK we'll have those up soon."  Skittles pizza...AMAZING!  If you want to see other pizzas on this menu, check it out here.  Well here comes the integral key to the title, when I was getting a refill the girl asked if she had seen me before.  I said, that I was pretty anonymous and somehow she laughed.  She asked if I had a blog and vlog.  Eyebrows raised.  "I think I've seen you on the internet."  "Hmmm maybe you have.  Can I get a glass of water too?"  "Do you have a Xanga?"  "Yes, and a Diet Pepsi?"  "You're funny."  "Do you have a Xanga?" "Yes, but I have to go get pizza." So I guess that means I had a Xanga meet-up but I didn't get to ask her about it.  So delicious pizza girl, if you're reading this give me eprops.
Then I came home and moaned all night from overeating. 

Who is the world's most interesting good boy?  Who is?  Who is?  Yes, you are.  You're the world's most interesting good boy.

I am the world's most interesting man if that is criteria.

I don't know why but I fear this pope.

So sad but true.

If the aliens wanted us to know they are here, they'd beam up the infants when they are tossed in the air.

Well I can't send you a text because I have a few people around.  God...he looks so young.

I once told people at a bar in Minneapolis that I was this kid on the Cosby Show.  I received free drinks all night.

I'm home for 15 more minutes.  I'm hitting the lake today and maybe will make my way to the Mississippi.

I wonder how many guys celebrated Mother’s Day by watching MILF porn.  Speaking of Mother’s Day, we all know the true message is “please get all the housework done on Saturday”.  I gave my mom the greatest gift of all; I let her know that I’m now willing to be put up for adoption.  I wonder if the redneck mothers spent the day up against the wall.  I took my mom out to lunch on Mother’s Day and I didn’t eat my vegetables to tell her she wasn’t the boss of me.

I wonder how Glen Danzing celebrated Mother’s Day: “mother…hope you have a happy Mother’s Day…hope you get those flowers and that card…mother”

I look at marriage in the same way Osama bin Laden did; I’m not losing my bachelorhood but I’m gaining a human shield.  Speaking of bin Laden, the SEAL team is reporting that bin Laden was on the phone trying to buy Rush Limbaugh merchandise.  Many people in the Muslim world believe that Osama is alive.  I guess “Osama” is Arabic for “Elvis”.

The real reason why I always keep gum in my pants is in case I ever run into Roddy Piper.

After listening to “Mambo #5”, I have to know how many STDs Lou Bega has.

I have infiltrated the headquarters for the Tea Party.  They are working on a new motto:  “Cut spending, we’re broke…but give me my Social Security, my Medicare, my mortgage deduction, and my farm subsidies.”  I think I get why they want smaller government.  They want it to get so small so they can fit it into a woman’s uterus and then they can control it.  Apparently Newt Gingrich is running for president of America.  At first I thought it was president of douchebags given his track record of divorcing his wife while she is in a cancer ward.  I wonder if the people who are clamoring for help in the South are still going to tell us we need to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps.  Nope, they get hit by a natural disaster and complain that the government isn’t helping them fast enough.  The elderly need to start footing their share of their Medicare and Social Security because the wealthy in this country have suffered enough.  As someone who has funded 10 Pink Floyd laser light shows at tech schools I have no clue what fiscal responsibility means.  This isn’t a joke but the GOP presidential candidates’ debate got fewer viewers than Dora the Explorer according to Nielsen ratings.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Does the five second rule apply to eating food stuck in your chest hair?

McDonald’s is trying to change their image and remodeling their restaurants with a more upscale look.  The good news is that you still get the same violent diarrhea after eating the food.

If a bear and the Pope were in the woods would the bear wipe his ass with the Pope’s hat after he took a shit?  I think I butchered that but if I wanted to take a butcher's word for it I'd stick my head up a bull's steak.  I'm not good at those things.

When I write on a white board, I hold two black markers and write with both of them simultaneously and then at the end of everything I write, I post “brought to you in 3D”.  I’m just fishing for a teacher of the year award.

A study recently found that Mexicans and Chinese work more hours a week than Americans.  That’s because they are working American jobs.

Coca-Cola is gearing up for their 125^th anniversary celebration and the American Dental Association will be organizing the parade because Coke has kept them in business all these years.

I wish my Xanga crush would say “Come and get me, big boy” more often.

I think my street gang never took off because no one took our name seriously.  I’d like to see you come up with a better name than The Popsicle Boys.

I usually hate onions on my pizza but I will love onions on my pizza if my date is really hot.

All my friends with benefits suck.  I have this horrible tooth ache and none of the benefits are dental coverage.

If those penis enlargement pills actually worked thousands of men would die every day from overdoses.

It’s time for bed; I’m so tired that I think I could watch a Tyler Perry sitcom.