OK I'm going to give you a glimpse of my life.  I don't do this very often.  Here goes...wipes sweat from brow...I enjoy the Little House on the Prairie book series and TV show.  I can't believe I admitted that. 
My first experience with the series came in 1st grade when our teacher had read-aloud time.  She usually read to us from a multitude of books right after lunch recess.  That winter, after a major snowstorm, our teacher started talking about how bad the winters were where she attended college.  We asked her to explain and she said that there was always so much snow and wind that the blowing snow caused the school to place ropes along the sidewalks so students could hold on to something while walking to and from classes.  She also explained that some of these storms produced so much snow that the snow banks were taller than most people.  Of course us 1st graders were amazed by this so we kept asking her to tell us more.  She finally decided to read Little House on the Prairie to us.  I loved hearing her read the book and it brought the story to life.  I read them when I was in college and I read them to my students.  I've read them for leisure as an adult although it's very light reading just a tad higher than Twilight.  It's one of the best examples of descriptive writing because Laura Ingalls Wilder was writing for her blind sister. 
I attended college in the area where Little House on the Prairie took place.  In fact I went to the same college that my 1st grade teacher attended.  Every time I traveled to and from school, I drove the Laura Ingalls Wilder memorial highway.  I shopped in the towns where the Ingalls shopped.  I made the trek to Walnut Grove and felt so "connected".  I stuck my feet in Plum Creek. Blah blah blah...it was so great.
Within the past couple of months I have checked out the TV series once again.  I had watched it when I was in grade school on TBS when they would air back to back to back to back episodes just like they now do with every show on TBS.  Watching the show after having read through the series and lived where it took place has given me a different outlook on the TV show. 
First off, this is Minnesota's prairie:

Not this:

I don't know why but whenever I see the mountains in Minnesota it makes me cringe.  There are no mountains like this not even in the Iron Range.  Also the trees...there aren't that many trees out there either.  I remember driving to Walnut Grove and they had historical marker signs along the highway that said "Tree 1 Mile".  I have always been upset that my college town was never mentioned that much in the TV series even though it is directly between Sleepy Eye and Mankato.  I actually counted the number of times it was mentioned throughout the TV series...5 times and all 5 were in the first season.  Actually it was only mentioned by name 3 times but it was indirectly mentioned because of a historical event that shaped the mistreatment of Native Americans. 

Some of my other problems with the series:
-No mud anywhere even after it snows or rains.
-No horse crap around the town or roads.
-Every horse was a female horse.
-Laura was pregnant for over 2 seasons on that show which probably in the timeline of the show was about 12 to 15 months.
-When the blindschool burns down, Charles inspects the ruins and finds the dead baby wrapped in a blanket and neither baby nor blanket were harmed by fire even though everything around was scorched.
-Col. Sanders supposedly offering to turn Mrs. Oleson's restaurant into a KFC...Col. Sanders was born in 1890 and the show took place in the 1870s and1880s.
-Half the town moving to the same town when there is an economic downturn
-The town band...they played the same song every time they were on screen for a sporting event or a town celebration.  And how many farmers knew how to play all those instruments let alone have enough people to put together a marching type band.  How many baseball games feature marching bands?  I think that baseball episode may be one of my favorite episodes.  They really captured the fervor behind town league baseball in Minnesota.  I never played but I got swept up in it and I got to meet a few World Series champs because of it.  Terry Steinbach changed into his uniform in my apartment because a guy I coached football with stayed at my place for the World Series of Minnesota town league baseball and a few of the team came over for beers before the game.
-Giving a character credit for inventing the forward pass in football.
-Charles and Carolyn eating popcorn in bed when it was pointed out that no one in the area grew corn.
-The Ingalls had to be cursed by Satan because: they lost an infant son, oldest daughter goes blind, oldest daughter's child dies in a fire, wheat crop destroyed by hail, town wiped out because of economic downturn, adopted son's girlfriend is raped and murdered, daughter gets trapped in mineshaft, daughter trapped in runaway balloon, daughters trapped in runaway railcar, Jesse James invades a blind school and uses people as hostages (to their credit James did have hideouts in that area), adopted son becomes a vegetable and is healed after Charles erects an altar, children stranded in blizzard while walking home from school, falls out of tree and breaks ribs preventing from Charles from doing work thus having his farm foreclosed upon, Ma almost loses her leg after scratching it on the wagon, daughter knocks over a rifle and it fires in Pa's stomach...do I need to go on?

There are a few things I've never quite understood after watching the show like how did Charles and Carolyn...you know..."churn butter"?  I mean they have a two story house but no separators between the rooms and their youngest daughter for all intents and purposes sleeps in the same room as they did.  The children would have had to have known what was going on but then they were farm kids who probably saw animals mating so they just figured that is what was going on.  Sometimes I doubt that people had sex for pleasure in those days.  But still...THEIR DAUGHTER WAS IN THE SAME ROOM!
Also, they never changed the location of the outhouse throughout the entirety of that series.  Given all the kids the Ingalls had as well as all the people that seemed to visit or stay with them, the outhouse always remained in the same location.  Now I'm not an expert at outhouses but since I'm full of shit I just figure that in 10 years they would have been flooded with shit and piss.  I remember hearing my grandfather say that when he was a kid, they would have to move the outhouse every 3 years and that was a family of 6.  He said most outhouses were 15 feet deep so the Ingalls would have been sitting on a mountain of poop.  The good thing about an old outhouse is that when you fill in the hole with dirt from your newly dug outhouse, you can plant asparagus in the dirt (NOT THE POOP) and you will have great asparagus crops.  It's always fun walking around old farms and seeing multiple 4 foot by 4 foot growths of asparagus.

Thanks for reading although I'm pretty sure most of you will tune out after the sentence "She usually read to us from a multitude of books right after lunch recess."  Have a great night.

I finally got around to watching The Social Network this evening and wondered when there will be a movie about Xanga.  I already know who'll play me but you'll have to figure that out after you look at these damn cats.

For all the cat ladies out there...screw it, I'd buy one for myself if there was a Father's Day one.

Have a happy mother's day.

Well it was such a fun Cinco de Mayo for me.  I didn't have a drop of liquor because I had to serve as shuttle service.  My aunt's flight arrived in Chicago last night and she caught a airport bus that runs between UW and Chicago.  I drove down to UW to pick her up.  The drive down was pretty boring until I got into Madison and saw the huge Mexican restaurant that was packed to the rafters and across the street from that was the strip club...I mean burlesque show that offers the breakfast buffet and that was packed.  I get down to the campus and there are drunk chicks running all over the place.  I almost hit a few...not hit on but actually almost hit them with my Blazer because they jumped out in front of me.  I sat down at Memorial Union waiting and of course the bus was delayed.  Finally she got back and we left.  I almost hit more drunk kids.  Once I was out on the interstate I was cruising along and hearing stories that made me sick to the stomach.  I wanted to get home as quickly as possible and then I had a state trooper flash his lights at me so for a while I had to go the speed limit.  As we got closer to home it got foggier and the deer were running.  That was nerve-racking.  Anyway, you know how emo I got if you followed my twitter.  I think I finally got home about 2:30 or 3AM.  Well you probably have stopped reading by now and are reading me talk about celebrities so I guess it's time for the round-up.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how MTV was handing out Jersey Shore spin-offs to Snooki and JWoww and Pauly D.  Well this week they announced that The Situation would also have his very own show.  I really hope those 2012 prophecies hurry up and get here before that shit hits the airwaves.

Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn attended last weekend's White House correspondents dinner.  I don't know why either of them were there but I remember reading how Scarlett was on Obama's jock...well actually his Blackberry and they would have text conversations.  Anyway they were there and caused quite a seen.  When the dinner began they played the Star Spangled Banner and everyone rose to show respect for our country.  Well everyone but Sean Penn.  I don't get what that fuck's problem is.  I know there is shit that's wrong with America but by acting like a sullen little teenaged bitch you aren't helping your cause.  Remember that Muslim NBA player who refused to stand for the national anthem before NBA games?  Yeah, neither do I because he faded into obscurity.  Penn, you only have 1 or 2 movies left in you unless you start saluting that flag.  The worst part of the night was during the dinner, Scarlett sat in Sean's lap and in between their moments of feeding each other they were making out.  Then they got up and left for an hour. People were thankful they left because of the PDA but were pretty much disgusted when they realized what they were doing for an hour.  I thought I couldn't hate Sean Penn anymore than I do.  I'm going to teach that commie terrorist lover a lesson and I'm going to masturbate to photos of his girlfriend.

I will admit something here and now:  I am not a comedian.  If you want true comedy go follow Sarah Palin on Twitter.  You know why she wants Obama to release those photos?  She needs new masturbation material.  Of course you know that once he releases those photos she'd tweet about how he should be releasing more jobs to Americans.  I couldn't find the tweet but I'm pretty sure she talked about how Obama was weak on terrorism and how she could see Pakistan from her backporch.

Rick Springfield was arrested for DUI last weekend.  He was charged and then released.  This got me thinking.  This has to be the most newsworthy thing Rick Springfield has done since he released "Jesse's Girl"

Oh Pippa Middleton...you couldn't get out of that bridesmaid dress fast enough, could you?  Since you're on your knees I'd give you a royal decoration with my scepter.  Seriously, I have a make shift scepter and I would have a damehood ceremony.  Get your minds out of the gutters, you pervs.

Paris Hilton was at a fundraiser last weekend called "The Race to Erase MS".  And instead of helping erase MS she was mesmerized by her breasts.  I always knew she was in love with herself.  She's really upset they haven't mastered human cloning.  If she had sex with her clone would that be considered masturbation?  Wow...three masturbation jokes this week...you can certainly tell where my sex life is these days.  You know, I don't blame Paris for doing that.  If I was a woman, I'd probably go to lengths like that to take sneak peeks of myself.

Nicki Minaj was in concert once again and she pulled out her new favorite stage prop.  I was led to believe that the adult novelty company only made the mold and then made one replica.  I think I'm going to have to sue someone because I don't like my genitals exposed like that.

Hello Kitty is crying tears of joy because Mariah Carey gave birth to her twins last weekend.  It seems like she's been pregnant forever which makes sense since she had twins and each one takes 9 months so that's an 18 month pregnancy.  I took biology in a Lutheran high school and my teacher refused to say the word penis, go figure.  The baby girl was born first and weighed 5lbs. 3 oz.  The boy weighed 5lbs 6oz.  People are claiming that Mariah was very calm while Nick was very nervous.  Shouldn't that be the other way around?  OK let all the hate mail come in.  I don't know, I've never had kids and I doubt I ever will.  Well I know...I...won't ever have a kid but I will never be a father.  Not long after the children were born and taken to have all the baby goop cleaned off, Mariah and Nick renewed their wedding vows with none other than Al Sharpton presiding.  Imagine yourself as a baby and seeing your mom and dad for the first time holding hands while the Revered Al Sharpton is screaming about something or other.  Damn...that's weird.  I think most women would be renouncing their marriage after giving birth.  A lot of people have been wondering what sort of fanciful names would Mariah give these children.  It took a few days for the names to be released and here they are; the boy is named Moroccan Scott Cannon and the girl is named Monroe Cannon.  Mariah said her son was named after her favorite room in her NYC penthouse.  SHE NAMED HER SON AFTER A ROOM!  Leave it to Mariah.  I guess that's better than the name of her second favorite room which is Shitter.  I have a feeling the real reason is that is where she figured the children were conceived.  That shit will torture their kids when they get older just like a pastor I know who named his son some German name because he claims his son was the best souvenir he could have ever wanted.  Mariah said Monroe was named after Marilyn Monroe.  I'm really shocked she didn't name them Lisa and Frank since she seems to live in a Lisa Frank style notebook cover.

Lindsay Lohan was recently spotted coming out of her court ordered community service.  First, that is not the coke she is used to ingesting.  Second, when working you probably want to wear a bra although the people she works with usually don't wear bras and they would consider her dress style "professional".

Does peroxide work on your eyes?

Here's Kim Kardashian and her boyfriend Kris Humphries.  She really does look good in a bikini.  It's a good thing they weren't in Canada because they'd probably try to beat her ass because it looks like a baby seal.  I'd club it.  I really have no clue what I am talking about so just admire the photo.

Keith Urban, Tiger Woods, and John Mayer won lifetime achievement in douchebaggery awards at the Douchies this last weekend.  Urban was nominated for that hair.  Tiger was nominated for that shirt and his penis' antics.  Mayer was nominated for being John Mayer.

Katy Perry said that she no longer uses Google to Google herself because she did once and learned of Russell Brand's secret marriage proposal so the secret was ruined.  I like to think she read my site but probably not.  So ever since then she claims she's a normal person who doesn't Google herself (why does Googling oneself sound so dirty).  Oh yeah, because normal is being a millionaire with worldwide fame, and causing more stiffness than rigor mortis.  Since Katy Perry has said she hasn't and will never pose nude she's not the only one who no longer googles her.

This is Kat Dennings.  She is in the new Thor movie and she played the daughter in The 40 Year Old Virgin.  Wow, she sure has grown out...I mean up...oh wait that's me.

It seems like yesterday when Justin Bieber was just a fertilized egg and then this weekend he's having eggs thrown at him.  At a concert in Sydney, Australia, Justin was in some sort of spastic dance routine and eggs were thrown at him.  None of the eggs hit him...damn.  A 17 year old boy broke into the stadium and crawled into the roof and stood above Bieber and dropped the eggs during a dance routine.  The kid was charged and released and will face sentencing later for trespassing.  The police found him because of braggadocios behavior on Facebook and Twitter.  Come on, kid, everyone knows you buy a ticket in the front few rows so if you throw stuff at the performers then you can't be charged with trespassing.  After leaving Sydney, Bieber was onboard a Qantas flight.  When the seatbelt light was on, Bieber and one of his crew members got up and started walking around the plane.  Bieber ignored requests that he sit down.  Finally a flight attendant got up and yelled at him to return to his seat and if he wanted to act like a child she would treat him like a child because he was breaking security protocols.  He then sat down and buckled up.  What a brat!  The fact that he thinks he's above the law isn't the real story.  He's a teenager, he's going to act like a fool.  What's the most surprising thing of this story was that he wasn't sitting in first class.  Maybe his mom grounded him and his punishment that he could only fly in business class for a month. 

Jordin Sparks tweeted this photo of her weight loss.  Hmmm I seem to remember this whole "purity ring" thing with her.  Maybe she melted down that purity ring and had it molded into a belly button ring with the engraving "Fat Virgin No More". 

Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly did this at a Lakers game.  Now I hate the Lakers even more.  Dallas won!  Maybe Dirk Nowitzki will win an NBA championship so he will no longer be a nein-time champ.

Jesse James is crying over shit that he brought upon himself.  He was on Nightline and cried about he never got to see the baby that he and Sandra Bullock adopted.  Maybe next time you decide to stick your dick in a tattoo with a pulse you'll think about the ramifications.  Then after saying that he went on Howard Stern and talked about how Kat Von D is much better in bed than Sandra Bullock.  If Kat Von D was catatonic during sex, he'd still say her because she's the current woman he's with.  Howard said this about Kat Von D: "If she cheated on you, you'd be devastated. You'd understand the hurt that Sandra went through."  Jesse James replied: "If she cheated on me, I would forgive her and still love her."  This guy just avoided any blame by getting in a dig at Sandra Bullock.  I think Kat Von D should just put him to the test and come over to my house this weekend. 

George Clooney turned 50 this week.  That smug bastard!  I shouldn't wish him a happy birthday because he's so smug but considering no one probably wished him a happy birthday in those first two photos I guess it all evens out.

Flava Flav was arrested in Las Vegas this week.  You'd think that a rapper like Flav would be arrested for something hardcore.  You'd think that because a rapper like Flav was in Las Vegas, he'd be arrested for something hardcore.  If you think this then you are a dullard.  Flava Flav was arrested for unpaid parking tickets.  That's hardcore.  This was his mugshot.  Is it me or does he look like he could be the love child of Bill Cosby?  He has that Jell-O pudding pop eating grin.

Antonio Sabato Jr's girlfriend Cheryl Nunes gave birth to their child this week.  They gave the child a normal first name and the last name is normal as well but the middle name they bestowed upon their child is the middle name to end all middle names.  Their son's name is Antonio Kamakanaalohamaikalani Harvey Sabato III.  Kamakanaalohamaikalani means "a beloved gift from the heavens." Try saying that three times fast.  If your jaw doesn't fall off, you'll be struck by lightning from the Hawaiian gods.  I would consider naming a daughter Kamakanaalohamaikalani just so if any guy tries to ask me for her hand in marriage I could deny him since he doesn't pronounce her name properly.

Ann B. Davis turned 85 this week.  Given that it is the 150th anniversary of the start of the Civil War and given that the Tea Party is fighting for state's rights, I really hope the Tea Party succeeds in their goals to bring back slavery because I really would want to own some people.  I know Christians denounce slavery but it is condoned in the New Testament and don't play the "but times have changed" card without me playing the Malachi 3:6, Hebrews 13:8, and James 1:17 cards and the "didn't God write the Bible" card and the "so you're wiser than God" card.  Anyway, the first person that I'd want to own is the slave, Alice, from The Brady Bunch.

Poor Andy Dick...I wish he could go to a bar, sit down quietly on a stool, sip his drink, and be calm, but sadly that's not how he rolls.  Andy decided to fight his substance dependency by going to a bar and getting trashed.  The bar called the police and they responded.  Andy was arrested, charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct and taken to the drunk tank and then released on $500 bail.  Well since it was only a misdemeanor for Andy I'm pretty sure he just kept his penis to himself and didn't piss all over someone like he has done in the past or stick his dick in their food like he has done in the past.  On the bright side, Andy looks pretty healthy in his mugshot. 

This is the car belonging to one of the stars on MTV's Teen Mom.  Apparently some woman has accused Amber Portwood of stealing her man.  I can't believe I'm writing this.  I just wish that series would go away but no, it's not.  Why do people who speak out against teenage pregnancy love that show?  FUCK!  I wonder if I can hire the SEAL team that killed Bin Laden.

Britney Spears, the Louisiana Trailer Park Flower, may have gotten engaged last weekend.  OK, that rumor seems to float around every other week or so.  I think her handlers get that going to gauge how popular she is.  I feel bad for her and for her ankles...those shoes look painful.  Maybe I'm just thinking with my feet but how can ladies wear heels?

Video Section
Here's the egg throwing incident.

I think Kurt Cobain would have problems with Miley Cyrus singing his songs.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and a happy mother's day.

I don't have anything deep today.  I went fishing and it was so peaceful.

I really hate Kobe Bryant and if you like him then you're a fan of anal rape.

I have a strong feeling that Dallas will blow their lead.

So loving yet so stupid.

Sweet lord, I may just stop listening to Queen.

Carlos has always had the spotlight and poor Emilio had to do Mighty Ducks movies.

Yo quierro churros.

Foot fetishists...you willing to give those a massage?

I'm sure that was her reaction.

Such a bitch!

Nightmares...nightmares for everyone!

Mom...grandma escaped from the home again.

sniff...sniff...that hurts.

Come on, let's assemble the SEALs.

You know, I was actually thinking that.  That and he added the location feature on Twitter.

This has to be the most insane rap song I've ever heard.
I don't know how much I'll be around in the next few days with fishing.  I love it.  Oh and tomorrow I have to pick up my aunt at a bus drop-off in Madison.  Her flight arrives in Chicago and then she hops on a bus that brings her to Madison.  The bus stop is on the UW campus.  So I'll be at UW...on Cinco de Mayo...near frat houses...how am I coming out of there sober?  The last time I went down there I ended up drinking with a Badger football player and I can't give away any more.  Anyway I hope you have a swell day.

When you marry someone, do you tell them your bathroom habits and medicines you take before or after the wedding?  The best part of the Royal wedding was when I figured out that “Naked Tit Model” is an anagram for Kate Middleton.  The royal wedding date will now be celebrated every year and will be henceforth known as “Stupid Hat Day”.  Ladies, remember you all are princesses to me.

Do you think the Tea Party and GOP would have danced in the streets if the mission to get Bin Laden failed?  What would have made them shit their pants is if Obama quoted Wu-Tang Clan in his speech.  This is unconfirmed but inside sources say that the Navy Seals dressed as Cheney, Bush, and Rumsfeld to fool Bin Laden into thinking his buddies were visiting.  The Navy Seals will never have to buy a beer ever again.  The Republicans didn’t want Bin Laden dead because they trade in fear and don’t want their boogeyman to disappear.  Sarah Palin let the world know on Twitter that she saw the whole raid from her porch in Alaska.  I think the greatest injustice is that Bin Laden died before he became a trending topic on Twitter.  I wonder if anyone yelled “too soon” at Gilbert Gottfried Sunday night…nope, he didn’t tweet anything other than his prayers and thoughts are with the Bin Laden family.  The White House isn’t going to release the photos of Bin Laden because they may be too gruesome.  Are they going to allow me to post photos of me wearing a speedo?  Bush isn’t releasing a statement about Bin Laden’s death until he gets home from vacation.  The reason why Obama was so delayed in speaking on Sunday evening was that he was too busy faxing Donald Trump Bin Laden’s death certificate.  The government is debating whether or not they should hold a funeral for Bin Laden and charge everyone $100 to spit on his corpse.  They could cancel the national debt but then Westboro Baptist would protest.  Bin Laden died from lead poisoning in the head and chest.  Islamabad is a pretty poor name for a city when your religion already has a poor P.R. image.  I hear that Bin Laden was a member of Netflix and the next movie in his queue was “Catch Me if You Can”.  I feel bad for Al Qaeda because they didn’t draft a new quarterback this weekend.  Bin Laden is like my sex life…dead.  Now that the world’s greatest villain has been conquered we can go back to focusing on Charlie Sheen.  When are Bin Laden jokes going to die?  NEVER!

I proposed to my girlfriend in Las Vegas and then laughed at her when we got home and she wanted to start wedding planning because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I shouldn’t have a Clapper in my bedroom because the lights drive me crazy every time I get a standing ovation after sex.

Never ask a Jewish girl if she has one in the oven.  My Jewish family members have totally cut me off.

I was recently shopping for a new pet.  Bought myself a French Bulldog.  Horrible purchase…it surrendered to my neighbor’s German Shepherd within minutes.

Whenever my ex talked about being an independent woman, I handed her a jar of pickles to open.  I am good at opening those jars because I have an extra tight grip because I’m single.

People often talk about what song they like to play in the background while they have sex.  For me, believe it or not it’s “The Greatest American Hero”.

The only time I ever lie is when people see me listening to my mp3 player and ask what I’m listening to and I cover up the cover because it says Matchbox 20 and I say Pixies.

I’ve found that cutting down my alcohol content has made me a bigger asshole, sorry Xanga.

Oh and because everyone was quoting him yesterday, I found this MLK quote today: “It’s cool when attribute quotes to me that I never said.  I also love being tied to the biggest dickhead in the world.  Thanks, guys.  Why don’t the conspiracy theorists say I’m still alive?”

The answer to the pictogram in my last post was: "Pour some sugar on me."  Reference to the greatest song ever recorded and memory of seeing my college roommate and his brother at a concert and them pouring sugar on people in the row in front of them.  The first photo is poor people, the second photo is asking for you to find the sum, then sugar, an on button and a photo of me.  Oh and you can never hold back spring...BULLSHIT...it snowed today for about 3 minutes though...May 3rd and it snows.

It reminds of how I reacted to 9/11 and all I can think of is I wish I could cope that way.

Pictogram time:

Xanga meet-up? I'm evil but not as evil as bin Laden.

So I'll just post cats since it's Caturday or at least was Caturday and I was late in posting because my dad was in the hospital this evening and to calm myself I watched Dinner for Schmucks.

Fact...my cats are better than yours.