Here's another collection of haikus.  I suck because I included all the comments I left in haiku form.

Forgot your haiku
Will make that photo public
You can recommend

You want a haiku
Haikus make you powerful
My ankle is sprained

I'm very funny
I'm really funny looking
self-deprecating

Limericks are fun
I'm really from Nantucket
My balls fill thimbles

Basho? I hardly
even knew that Basho person
I'm trying too hard

I am at a loss
Haikus can be difficult
I like smoked pork roast

I like your haikus
Although I like your smile more
Flirting through haiku

Thank you very much
You get a unique haiku
It is your haiku

I hope that last GIF
Doesn't get me in trouble
It looks misleading

I am prolific
Posted photo of my dick
Bonus Easter egg

You are from Nawlins?
Want to attend Mardi Gras
Too many drunk guys

You're easy to troll
You have multiple accounts
Now who is the troll?

Thanks, Rob_of_the_Sky
I hope you have fun next week
Do you have a ring?

Girls like jewelry
Doesn't have to be marriage
GIRLS LOVE JEWELRY

Nothing wrong with beer
Unless you're drinking a case
All at one sitting

I'm glad you enjoy
My haikus about nothing
I should be fishing

Thank you very much
Some think haikus are boring
I enjoy baseball

I don't mind the south
It's just too damn hot for me
I like snow and cold

that heart is so nice
My heart doesn't look like that
Less than number three

Awesome haiku, man
I need some time to write these
plenty of comments

This banana phone
Must have a banana phone
Also rotary

Very nice haiku
You should really write some more
Haikus save your soul

Weaboos are obsessed
With all Japanese culture
I'm American

Thanks for the comment
Thank you for the friend request
Here's your own haiku

Ear attached to head
Head enveloped by face
Face: always forward

Bacon's 80 cents
Cheese is 50 cents extra
What is happening?

Have you read the books
A little more than the show
But still it follows

I'm glad you enjoyed
I have to write more haikus
I need blueberries

Oh I should comment
Haikus are very easy
It is cold in here

You are very good
I will recommend your work
Have a joyous day

Your voice is like sex
Euphoric and amazing
Give me your babies.

Slow dance in tight shorts
I was once a chick magnet
No circulation

Big woman and dog
Walk faster, they smell nasty
My farts smell better

I am going nuts
It’s too bad for you Xanga
I missed the exit

The exit was long
I finally reached the exit
Bruce Springsteen was there

The exit was jammed
With broken heroes on a
Last chance power drive

It’s clear, heavenly
Guiltless, drown me in some more
God send me some gin

Blood lies all around
I think I murdered this girl
It’s her period

My horse is too fat
For Kentucky summer heat
Sweating in the shade

Never will I be
An owner at the derby
Horses are just glue

This is a haiku
They don't always make much sense
Hippopotamus

Another haiku
This one won't make sense either
Rabid chihuahua

More haikus for you
This one is probably weird
Paper flamingo

Wait there's more haikus
Just because I feel like it
Narwhal pinata

Just one more haiku
We are getting really bored
Purple chimpanzee

Get thee hence, quoth he,
Shakespeare sure was a strange one,
He confuses me.

Haikus are pretty
But sometimes they don’t make sense
Please sniff my fingers

Haikus seem easy,
But if you don't concentrate
You run out of syl-

IT'S SO BRILLIANT!

I think it's time for me to try a caucasian.

*sigh*

The L.A. Dodgers filed for bankruptcy and San Francisco Giants fans everywhere feel vindicated for all the years spent chanting “Dodgers suck”.

Mardy Fish is the only American left at Wimbledon and Americans everywhere are asking “What the hell kind of American name is ‘Mardy Fish’?”

Ben Roethlisberger had surgery to repair his broken foot.  The good news is that his reputation as a womanizer remains unbroken.

The U.S.A. lost to Mexico on Saturday.  The good news is that to console themselves after the loss, the United States checked passports and tightened border security.

The women’s World Cup kicked off this week and I’m only interested in perhaps seeing bouncing boobs and sports bras.

I applied at the CIA to become a spy but was turned away because I don’t own a pair of designer sunglasses.

When I urinate I hold my penis with two hands but I do end up pissing on 4 fingers…OK, 6 fingers…screw you, I’m average.

I will only talk with telemarketers if they refer to me as “your highness”.

Someone once told me they would “mace my ass”.  I thought about it and would rather have mace in my eyes than my butt.  First dates suck. 

If they deport all the illegal aliens, who will change John McCain’s depends?  Sometimes I get the feeling that President Obama was pro-breathing, the Republicans would be against it.  Michelle Bachmann’s popularity is growing in the Midwest because one of her campaign promises is if she gets elected president she’ll allow every farmer to count each stalk of corn as a foster child so they can collect even more subsidies.  She’ll make a great president because she knows the difference between a movie star and a child molester.  I love that she’s against the government handing out money and yet a farm in which she is a partner received $260,000 in federal subsidies.  Rod Blagojevich was convicted of being an asshole.  If the Republican party worried about job creation half as much as they have worried about destroying Planned Parenthood, the economy would have been corrected months ago.  Herman Cain announced that to help his sagging numbers he plans on wearing a white hood and robe to Tea Party events.

Have you ever noticed that a lot of Christians teach that they are not forgive and punch the other cheek?

Have you ever wondered why the Travel Channel doesn’t feature anything about travel but the majority of their shows are centered around competitive eating?

Have you ever heard the term “shit eating grin”?  I can’t imagine anyone would smile after eating shit.

Here's your weekly dose of motivation:

I need to call the insurance company about getting some funds because my house had damages and I blame it on this whole solidarity movement in Wisconsin.  A friend dropped a beer bottle on my floor and it shattered so because of solidarity I took one and flung it at the wall and screamed, “Fuck this place!”

Why does my girlfriend always want to talk during sex?  I should just let my phone go to voicemail.

My girlfriend wanted to go to Babies R Us.  I think she was sending me a message so before we went in we shotgunned a 12 pack of beer in the parking lot.  I hope that reminded her that a pregnancy would interfere with her drinking problem.

83% of Americans own cellphones but we are still beat out by Taiwan where cellphones outnumber people.  No wonder China wants to invade them.

A girl approached me at the bar and told me I was old enough to be her dad.  That would have made me 10 when I fathered her.  I called her an idiot and told her she was fat enough to be a Volkswagen.

The only thing bad about gay marriage is now there is a whole new group of people that girls would rather marry before me.  Everyone should be allowed to get married but no one should be allowed to divorce.

Two local gas stations, Kwik Trip and Kum & Go, have merged and will be called Kum Kwik.

When I have nothing of value to say, I talk on Xanga.

If you are new to Xanga, here’s a helpful hint: everyone on here is better than everyone and everything or at least that’s what they claim.

Xanga is like high school because the moment someone does or says something than everyone instantly knows.  It’s also like a refrigerator because you check it and then come back a few minutes later to check it again only to find out that nothing has changed.

When did you join Xanga?

What brought you here?

Do you have any other Xanga accounts?

What sorts of things do you post?

How often do you post?

Do you keep yourself anonymous?

Do other people in your face-to-face life have accounts here?

Have you met in person with anyone you originally met on Xanga?

How many friends do you have on here?

Do you consider your friends on here to be "real friends"?

Have you ever dated anyone you met on Xanga?

What else are you just dying to say about Xanga?

Now go read my last post and if you don't comment or recommend you aren't my friend because you are letting my children starve because Xanga is my sole means of income...god, I really feel like a mom.

Class, I was pleased with the results from your last assignment and if you haven't seen it yet, I graded and included my movies.  You all get 100% and a gold star and 5 class dollars which you can use at the school store to buy candy, erasers, or novelty writing pads that have the $50 bill on one side and lines for writing on the other.

Now your next assignment:

Make sure you clearly state the theory you believe and why you believe it.  Examples could be: aliens, the mafia killed JFK, Catholicism is a veiled form of ancient Babylonian paganism, chemtrails, fluoridation, peak oil, new world order...so you get the idea...get to work.

I've read your answers and was very pleased except with Rob_of_the_Sky.  His answer will get him sent to the principal's office. 
Some of my held beliefs:
-the Bohemian Grove isn't just a bunch of closeted homosexuals running wild in the woods but they countrol who runs for president.
-The Denver airport contains secrets about the apocalypse
-Area 51 contains some crazy ass shit
-Lee Harvey Oswald did not kill JFK alone.  I think the assassination was a mafia hit because what mafioso would let anyone steal their goomah.
-The BP Oil Spill is a way for the U.S. to take control of more oil reserves and also the oil industry can drive up the price of their product or it was an act of terrorism.
-Jared Loughner, Sirhan Sirhan, Mark David Chapman, Ted Kazinsky, and John Hinkley were all products of MK Ultra.  Also with Hinkley, he was goaded by George Bush, a former CIA man, to kill Reagan because Bush was sick of Reagan getting credit for all the catchphrases that Bush came up with during the GOP primaries.

Hi...look at some cats.

I am a little late.  Sleep got in the way.  I now know that I am no longer able to pull an all nighter and not feel it.  I had to make up for all the sleep I missed.  I slept 9PM to 2AM, 3AM to 8AM, and 2PM to 4PM.  Yeah, I'm caught up but I think I should head to bed soon...so old.

Well it was an interesting day yesterday.  I seem to have lost track of time because I swear that I wasn't here for 24 hours.  I guess the disconnect is because I haven't slept.  I tried sleeping but my neighbors must have hired a mariachi band because that's all I heard last night.  Then I dozed off but a cat fell from out of the sky and scared me so I have been awake since and I must add that the ESPN 30 for 30 is so addicting.  They show all these sports documentaries.  Currently I'm watching one about the New York Cosmos.  Last night I watched one about the USFL and another about this high school wrestling program.  Anyway...time for the round-up.

Do you smell what The Rock is cooking?  It actually looks like the guy in the back did and it wasn't pleasant.  Rock took time to go on Splash Mountain this week and he did this epic pose.  I normally dislike the guy but this was pretty cool in my book.

This is Stephen Moyer.  He plays Vampire Bill on True Blood.  He is married to his True Blood co-star Anna Paquin.  He was interviewed this week because the new season of True Blood premiers on Sunday.  Moyer said that he loves his wife because female fans like to ask him to autograph their breasts and bite their necks and breasts.  He said that Anna approves and sometimes it makes her feisty and has led to threesomes.  God...some guys have all the luck.

This is for a lady here who once said I should post more of this guy.  His name is Joe Manganiello.  He plays Alcide on True Blood.  Remember the new season premiers this Sunday.  If it didn't I wouldn't have posted these last two photos so I guess you should consider yourself lucky despite me being unlucky in that I don't have a wife who lets me bite strange women's boobs.

Why, hello there!  Selena, did you go up a cup size in the past 2 weeks?  How could that happen?  I guess it's just luck.

Even Justin Bieber notices her cup runnething over.  This photo caused a bit of controversy because of his shirt.  He's wearing a shirt that features a photo of Kelly from Saved by the Bell.  The original series ended when Justin was still hanging in his dad's sac but the show is timeless.  I think it's both nice and sad but the saddest thing is that Justin looks like he is trying to enter a Don Johnson from Miami Vice look-a-like contest. 

Rosie O'Donnell was at O'Hare airport in Chicago this week on a delay and she found herself in one of the bars.  She saw two young women drinking at the bar and she took it upon herself to make all those miserable around her by scolding these girls for underage drinking.  The bartender just gave her an incredulous look and the girls told her they were 24 and 27.  She didn't backtrack but preached about the dangers of underage drinking.  Rosie got caught doing a neg.  You know, where you make snide and backhanded comments at someone in order to pick them up.  I have a tip for you, Rosie.  We're a lot a like and the best way to pick up women is not to discourage them from drinking but it's to buy them drink after drink and then encourage them to drink some more.

One of the members of Jackass, Ryan Dunn died this week at the age of 33.  He got drunk, got into his Porsche, got it up to 130-140mph and crashed.  He was two and a half times over the legal limit.  People are saying this is such a sad thing.  I have mixed emotions.  I think the saddest thing about this is that the thing he'll best be remembered for is shoving a toy car up his ass.

Bam Margera has been having a Twitter war with Roger Ebert over Ebert's comments but this is really strange to say...Steve-O has been the voice of reason in Dunn's death.  When asked about Dunn's death, Steve-O talked about how that would have been him if it wasn't for an intervention that Johnny Knoxville staged: "Johnny Knoxville and a bunch of our ‘Jackass’ crew staged an intervention and they forcibly locked me up in a psychiatric ward.  When I got to the hospital I was so belligerent that they changed my status to 2 weeks. So the 3 days went to 2 weeks and with that kind of time on my hands in a psych ward I eventually came to the conclusion that I really needed to make a change.”  He also talks about doing drugs with Lindsay Lohan and Mike Tyson: "I’ve done a lot of drugs with Lindsay, but everybody knows that. Lindsay was over at my house one time and she was in my bathroom probably selfishly not sharing drugs. But while she was in there, I pulled out my camera and I got this crazy footage. And some time passed and later I go in my bathroom and I find that she left her wallet, so I sent her this text and I said Lindsay, you left your wallet in my bathroom. This was when she was in rehab and she told me to bring it to her. So I meet her in the driveway of this Wonderland Rehab that she’s in and I make her sign a release form of the footage that I have.”  [Me and] Mike Tyson locked ourselves in the bathroom in this big mansion … so here I am with Mike Tyson locked in this bathroom in this big mansion just doing piles of cocaine and I looked at him and said ‘you know Mike, I’m not a racist guy, but I would like to say I consider myself a nigger. And we had a big discussion over this pile of cocaine. My point was that if we could take the color out of this word then we would really diffuse it as a weapon. Mike Tyson said the definition of that word is the people who use it and I thought that was very insightful.”  Who knew Steve-O could be so insightful?

Recently an underground illegal gambling ring was broken up by the FBI.  One of the main players at this ring was Toby Maguire but Ben Affleck, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matt Damon were also clients.  Toby is in a bit of trouble because the money he used came from a guy who acquired it through a Ponzi scheme.  He will have to answer to the FBI and could face major losses.  This investor staked Toby $300,000.  Some of the people inside this ring talked about the stars playing ability.  They said that despite his work in Rounders, Damon never won and if Leo lost money he went crazy.  Toby has been described as a frequent player and during the three years that this ring was running he won $1million a month which translates to $36million from poker.  See, kids, it can be done.  You can make a living playing cards.  Maybe that's why he's no longer doing quality movies.  He's devoted all his time to poker.

Rihanna announced on Twitter this week that she is back to dating Chris Brown.  Whatever...Chris Brown is a bitch and Rihanna lost all her credibility for her new woman empowerment movement that she's been working on with her recent songs and I enjoy Reuben sandwiches.  You may think that doesn't make sense but with dating a psychopath she had better have sandwiches ready no matter what.

Pink and Cary Hart "debuted" their child Willow this week on their websites because they were being stalked by the paparazzi and felt that if they didn't show off their child soon they feared harm would befall her.  Pink said that the paparazzi were demanding photos because they wanted exclusive rights to the photos.  That is so ridiculous.  Why do magazines and other publications do that?  Eventually, a kid will get seriously hurt by stampeding photographers.

Peter Falk passed away at the age of 83 this week.  He is best known for his work as Columbo.  He's now wearing that rain coat and solving crimes in heaven.  Falk will be greatly missed.

Ladies, Mel Gibson is back on the singles scene.  He's looking for love and he's got a new romantic movie coming out.  This guy makes racial slurs, beats up women, has 15 kids, and is a religious nut.  AND WOMEN STILL WANT TO BANG HIM!  Sometimes I wish I could be a movie star.  You can do anything and still get laid.

Steven Spielberg demanded that Megan Fox be fired from the third Transformers movie after her comments comparing director Michael Bay to Hitler.  Megan is an idiot.  She should never bite the hand that feeds and in this case it's the Jewish controlled movie industry.  In an interview he did with GQ, he laid out all sorts of complaints against her.  Megan was there for rehearsals. But she seemed like an actress who didn’t want to be a part of it. She was saying she wanted to, but she wasn’t acting like it.  She was constantly on her BlackBerry and would insult workers on the set.  She also has creepy thumbs.  Well I think Megan Fox's career may be over soon.  The closest she'll come to Hollywood is at the local Redbox.

Lindsay Lohan violated her parole once again.  She tested positive for alcohol and she can't have any in her blood while on house arrest.  You could get pregnant right now, drink heavily all 9 months, let a horse kick your baby in the head, hold it underwater for 5 minutes and your baby would still not be as dumb as Lindsay.  She probably got drunk at the BBQ she threw on her rooftop.  Lindsay has claimed there was no alcohol at the party however photos have been turned over to the court revealing that people were in fact drinking at her party.  Is there anything she won't lie about?  Can you name just one thing?  This can't be a surprise since she was sentenced to house arrest...by herself...without supervision.  An alcoholic was punished and made to live 20 ft. from her fridge.  Lindsay had a court appearance and got off because the previous judge only ordered drug testing and not alcohol testing.  She was wrongly tested.  A new judge said that Lindsay is to drink no more alcohol and that when friends come to visit she can only have 1 visitor at a time.  The best part is that they won't test her anymore because there is no court order for it.  Can we just scrap our legal system and borrow Iran's?  It'd be much more satisfying to call her a whore and throw rocks at her.  Of course Lindsay has fired back and has let everyone know that the reason she tested positive for alcohol is because of the tea she drinks.  It's a fermented tea called kombucha which contains .05% alcohol.  Yes, when I think of Lindsay Lohan I picture her sitting by a fire sipping on tea which she is only drinking because she's out of vodka and her drug dealer is out watching Super 8 which I should totally go see today.

Leann rimes took time to post this photo of herself in a bikini on Twitter to prove that she isn't starving herself.  Really I could care less if she looks like Skeletor's sister.   What freaks me out is the tattoo above her "special area".  Ladies, if you ever think of getting a tattoo in that location...DON'T!  No matter what you have tattooed there it will always look like a guy autographed it with his dick and signed it with, "My work here is done."

Kim Kardashian took time out of her busy schedule of doing _______ to go to the doctor and have an x-ray of her ass taken to prove once and for all that her ass is all natural.  Great...what a waste of medical equipment.  Seriously, couldn't the people who did that and consulted with her do something like save someone's life?  This is further proof that the medical industry in America is fucked up.

I'd like to eat one of Katy Perry's kisses.  In an interview in Rolling Stone she had this to say about her boobs: "I started praying for [breasts] when I was, like, 11. And God answered that prayer above and beyond, by, like, 100 times, until I was like, 'Please, stop, God. I can't see my feet anymore. Please stop!' I was a lot more rectangular then. I didn't understand my body.  Someone in sixth grade called me 'Over-the-shoulder boulder holder.' I didn't know I could use them. So, what I did was, I started taping them down. How long did I tape them down for? Probably until I was about 19. And, no, I don't have any psychological pain because of it."  So praying to God gets you what you want?  Let's try: "Dear God, please stop Katy Perry from talking about her tits every time she hasn't been in the press for five minutes or has something to promote. Also, if you wouldn't mind, do you think you could throw in the occasional wardrobe malfunction? Seeing Katy's tits is almost as impossible as seeing Big Foot or Michael Moore walk past a bakery and not go in.  Also, could I have a bigger penis?  Thanks."

This week Heidi Montag decided that she needed some attention so she told people in an interview that she works out 14 hours a day.  She said she started working out that many hours so she could attend a pool party because she thought she was fat and couldn't believe she had ballooned up to 130lbs.  Can we agree that she needs to be put out of her misery?  I have an idea!  Since she's an attention whore, I'll tape a red light to the top of my shotgun and I'll tell her I want to take her photo...smile at the red light!

George Clooney broke up with Elisabetta Canalis.  You hear that, ladies, he's single!  Rumor has it that he broke up with her after hearing her comments that she made last week where she said that one day she hoped to marry him.  And so begins the rumors that he's gay and all the women boasting that they are the one who will tame Clooney.

This is Robert Hutchinson.  He is best known for his work on Lost and The Green Mile.  He is 51 years old.  Back in May he married his 16 year old girlfriend, aspiring country singer Courtney Alexis Stodden.  The couple had this to say about their marriage: "We're aware that our vast age difference is extremely controversial. But we're very much in love and want to get the message out there that true love can be ageless."  There's a difference between true love being ageless and a beauty pageant reject who had to get a permission slip from her parents to get married and who can't buy her own ticket to an R-rated movie.  I bet Hugh Hefner is jealous that he got beat to the playground because she seems like the type of girl who won't run when an old dude comes calling.

This week a fire department responded to a fire at Courtney Love's apartment.  The fire department said that curtains in her place caught on fire and that Courtney was burned on her hands and arms but refused medical treatment.  So what caused the curtains to burn?  My guesses are that either she was trying to make a meth lab out of a Jiffy Pop container or she was heating some raccoon blood to make ink so that she could write emotional poetry.

Clarence Clemons of The E-Street Band died this week at the age of 69.  I was a casual fan and enjoyed some of their work.  Clemons will be greatly missed.

Remember the mess that was Chris Crocker?  Well apparently he's cleaned himself up and no longer cries under bedsheets imploring us to leave Britney alone and according to his tumblr, he's an aspiring porn star.  You probably don't want to click this link.  Trust me, you don't.  I clicked it when I saw a story running about how he has a new career.  I was shocked.

"And then I said, 'Stick it here,' and sure enough I got the job!"  How else could Cameron Diaz get work?

Bristol Palin's book is coming out and excerpts were released and of course those that were released were of her account of how she lost her virginity.  She claims that she went on a camping trip with Levi Johnston and some friends.  They got drunk and Bristol couldn't remember a thing and heard Levi brag to his friends about what happened.  Bristol got upset and talked things through with Levi and they said they wouldn't have sex until they were married but of course that didn't work out.  She found out she was pregnant and told her parents and they were supportive but when she told Levi he said, "Better be a fucking boy."  They broke up when Bristol found out that Levi was cheating on her.  Levi has a book coming out that will reveal his side of the story...CAN'T WAIT!  I like how Bristol basically says it was date rape and then thinks of Jesus and then goes back to sex.  She has set herself up as a role model to young girls who feel pressured to have sex but she got drunk, banged a guy with a mullet in a tent, and now she's doing everything she can to make herself and us believe that she's not a slut. 

Amy Winehouse launched a European tour last weekend and it was so bad.  She mumbled her way through a few songs and was booed off the stage.  A few days later her publicists announced that the tour had been canceled.  I'm starting to get the feeling that all the people around her are trying to squeeze every last cent out of her before she disappears.  It's so sad.

Video Section
Here is Weird Al's parody of Lady Gaga's Born this Way.

Remember when I said Britney Spears was single and ready to mingle last week?  Well here she is in concert giving some guy a lapdance.

Jason Segel and John Krasinski crashed a bachelorette party and sang karaoke.

And if you haven't seen it by now, here's Tom Hanks on Univision.

Hmmm another 3 celebrities died this week...weird.  I hope everyone has a great weekend.

I think tonight was the night when the straw broke the camel's back when it came to my dealings with a church.  I was helping out with the vacation Bible school this week.  We have ours at night because the person in charge (not the pastor) wanted it at night because she hates the idea that people will drop off their kids and use VBS as a babysitting service.  So this one family dropped off their son who is 3.  He sat in a class for the lesson and listened but once the lesson was over he came out and played.  This irritated the person who was in charge and she told the mother not to bring him anymore because he wasn't paying attention enough.  I was furious when I found out this evening and I may have yelled and said that she what she did was bullshit.  That's right, Christ told his disciples to bring only the children who paid attention to see him.  Anyway if that's how they treat someone as young as a 3 year old, I'm just curious what they'll do to an adult.  But I know you probably don't care about this so it's time for links.

1.  A few posts ago on the religious restaurant, he asked about your most visited website.  I wrote "Shit My Students Write".  And there it is.  I LOVE THAT SITE!  It reminds me of this email and website that had kindergarten art projects and people mocked them.  I can't remember the site but one painting I remember was of a firetruck and the caption read: "Ding ding ding...here comes the shitmobile".  And I just realize how hypocritical I am and you can't call me out on it because I realized it myself so there.

2.  I often mock hipsters and this site got me thinking.  I think most hipsters have father issues because most of the time their clothing style reflects the time period in which their father grew up.  This site, Dads are the Original Hipsters, helped me theorize.

3.  This one should be along with Shit My Students Write but these are fake quotes.  It's random quotes attributed to historical figures.  History said What?  It's always good for a laugh.

4.  This is one of those WTF websites that has me mesmerized.  It's called Tigers on Surfboards and that pretty much is the best description of the site.

5.  Because tonight was the NBA draft, here's the Top 32 draft busts of the past decade.  I like Milwaukee's inclusion of Joe Alexander.  He was hyped so much and the people with the Bucks tried to shove him down our throats but he sucked so bad.

6.  Sometimes on Xanga, I've noticed that people are really sensitive about stereotypes but Stereotypes can be Funny.  It's so true.

7.  Are you looking to buy a house?  Are you looking to buy houses to flip and need guidance in this venture?  If you answered yes to those questions, here's one more: would you take advice from Vanilla Ice?  Well here is Vanilla Ice's new project: Vanilla Ice Real Estate.  I wonder if he kicks it to the extreme when he shows houses.

8.  In honor of Ryan Dunn's death, here's a collection of 25 crazy photos from Jackass.  it's too bad that the last photo is how he'll be remembered best.

9.  Huffington Post gives us this next link.  It's called If GOP candidates were Simpsons characters.  They are spot on especially Lurleen and Milhouse.

10.  Are you looking for a book to read and are at a loss?  Well try Whichbook.  It's a site where you have twelve sliders that describe different aspects of the book.  I tried it and it gave me an interesting book called Wetlands but that's because I wanted something disturbing.

11.  If you want funny photos for your posts try Internet K-Hole.  It's a collection of odd photos from yesteryear. Now don't think I'm sending you to a gay porn link.  The first few photos for the Thursday photos are of a pro-wrestling tag team.

12.  I am pretty pervy and in the past have talked about hot chicks eating ice cream cones, hot chicks eating bananas, hot chicks eating hot dogs, and hot chicks eating salad.  Well this week we have a new eating collection.  It's hot chicks eating tacos.  Yum.

Really?  Really?  REALLY?

And a first day of school that will be remembered always.

I can't eggs much anymore after figuring out what they are.

Please come back DikDoktor.  I know this is near your home.

This is what happens when you let second graders give advice to people going to prom.  This is what happens when you actually talk to kids about sex. 

Looks like John Travolta has a bad case of gas again.

I don't know why but that video makes me laugh every time.  I like that channel.  I hope everyone has a good night.

Do you remember that one Michael Cera movie where he is an awkward, lanky teen who stutters a lot and has very little confidence until something changes in him and then he gets a hot girlfriend?

I don't know which is douchier: the license plate or the bumperstickers

DO IT!

Someone caught me on a skinny day.  I think this may be the perfect photo.

Osh-Vegas...fuck yeah!

The fun sometimes likes to hide.

Someone was doing some challenge about your desktop, well this is my Google page so it will have to suffice.

Someone was doing a challenge of showing one photo of yourself.  This is me as a baby.

They say breaking up is hard to do but it’s not when you were dating someone who didn’t know Family Matters was a spin-off of Perfect Strangers.

I’m trying to play guitar more often.  I learned the theme song to Bonanza.  Now if I could just use it.  I’m hoping some day guys will ride horses in my backyard with a giant piece of burning paper behind them.

I’ve been listening to a lot of songs from Disney lately.  I think it’s just my way of killing time before I go see the gynecologist.

Why are kids in America so fat?  40% of all of McDonald’s profits come just from Happy Meals and we criticize the Chinese for killing off their kids.  Newt Gingrich can’t hold on to any employees but at least he has his tip-top health…oops.  People are claiming that teachers who make $30,000 a year are spoiled but the average teacher’s salary has decreased while corporate profits have sky-rocketed and that’s because they’re shipping jobs overseas.  Rick Perry is bragging that he balanced Texas’ budget but he’s conveniently forgetting to mention that it was balanced with stimulus money.  He claims everything is bigger and better in Texas and Texas is one of the greatest states of the union.  Well he’s right, Texas has the highest pollution rates, poverty rates, crime rate, and number of uneducated people in America.  He also refused to use state funds for education but gave $25million to Formula 1.  Amy Winehouse has endorsed Ron Paul because he wants to legalize heroin.  If Anthony Weiner had a bigger wiener then he wouldn’t have been forced to resign.  Bristol Palin said she lost her virginity in a tent after getting drunk…well who hasn’t?  The Palin’s family motto is: “It’s always someone else’s fault.”  Gabrielle Giffords is out of the hospital and all I wonder is how long it will be before Sarah Palin puts bulleyes on her again.

Sometimes I dislike when people post photos of food they cook on Xanga.  I’ve been thinking of posting photos of my poop and having people guess what I’ve eaten.

Half of college freshmen think they have above average intellect and the rest enrolled in an SEC school.

The key to a successful marriage is shutting the fuck up.

When life hands me lemons, I grab a bottle of tequila and salt shaker.

And now you weekly dose of motivation:

I am horrible at dating and I assume it’s because I can’t come up with a proper greeting.  I want something more intimate than a handshake and less personal than asking if this thing on my left testicle might be a cancerous lump.

The only thing better than eating a corndog is watching a hot chick eat a corndog.

People who complain that baseball is boring should have to buy WNBA season tickets and watch every minute of every game.

Erections are the male’s way of giving females standing ovations.

I was thinking on Father’s Day that I can’t wait to have kids so they can celebrate the fact that I got laid and suffer from premature ejaculation

I’m making a swimsuit out of Sham-Wows so I can go to my neighbor’s house and steal all the water in their pool.

Porn in the morning is like drinking in the morning.  Once you try it you get hooked because it makes your day that much better.

M. Night Shamylan is directing a movie about Chubby Checker.  He was hired because he was sure to include The Twist.  (That one was brought to you by my dad except he said Alfred Hitchcock.  I didn't have the heart to tell him Hitchcock was dead.)

Why are they putting graphic warning labels on cigarette labels?  They should be putting them on fast food labels because more people die from fast food than from cigarettes.  My naked body would make anyone stop eating.

I like mocking the Amish because they don’t have internet access.

The best conversations always start with “I don’t usually do this…”

You haven't had an assignment in almost two weeks so I figure it's high time you get to writing for me.  Here is this weeks assignment:

Make sure you clearly tell me the five movies and why I should watch them.  You will not be given credit if you leave out the why.  OK, class, get to work.

Here are mine:

1.  In America  This movie tells the story of an immigrant family trying to make a better life in the U.S.  I think you have to be carved out of stone not to enjoy this movie.

2.  Dancer in the Dark  Bjork stars in this movie and she puts in a helluva performance.  This movie is so different from anything I've seen.  It's hard to tell if this movie is a documentary, drama, or musical.  The story breaks your heart and then how the movie ends...damn.  I had a friend that despised this movie because it was "predictable" and Bjork's character was weak willed.  She wasn't.  I think that character is one of the strongest characters in cinema.

3.  Fight Club  It's just one of those movies that toys with your mind and the whole time you are expecting something to pay-off and then you get a twist.

4.  Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb  This is the greatest satirical movie ever made.  Peter Sellers gives the performance(s) of a lifetime.  Slim Pickens also has one of the most memorable scenes in cinema which has been spoofed numerous times in The Simpsons.

5.  The Jerk   I think this is one of the movies that I quote the most.  I was going to write something big here but I don't need this and this.  Just this ashtray and this paddle game and remote control and matches and lamp.  And who can forget this quote: I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.