The only thing that’s in my pants that my girlfriend enjoys is my wallet.  She also always hates 4 words I use every time we make love: starving people in Africa.

I went to the local outlet mall.  There was a Crocs store.  I went in and found a couple pairs in my size so I tried them on.  The moment I slipped them on my feet I started to find men attractive.

If you go to Google and search “sex” does it say “Good luck, loser” for you?

Why do they call them chicken fingers when they don’t look like fingers and they certainly don’t fing?

Xanga is the best place in the world to show people you have lost your mind.  I think Xanga’s new slogan should be: “Xanga, where people express their thoughts and no one gives a fuck and everyone is OK with that.”

Latest pick-up line not to work: “Wow, we have so much in common.  You have breasts and I absolutely adore them.”

Sarah Palin isn’t going to run for president.  She saw how it worked for Donald Trump so she is taking her carnival act on the road.  How is she presidential material when she refuses to answer questions from any media source other than FOX News?  And of course MSNBC, CNN, and FOX are banking their ratings on asking if she will run.  To answer that, Donald Trump has a better chance of applying for unemployment than she does for running for president.  Why does Sarah Palin complain about the media when she loves to be in front of the camera so much?  Whenever she talks she needs one of those old laugh tracks playing in the background.  I love how Paul Ryan says the Democrats are using scare tactics to combat support of his bill.  Really?  Does “death panels” and “pulling the plug on Grandma” ring a bell?  Ryan probably was an SS guard at Auschwitz in a past life.  I always feel like I am one political joke away from being offered a job on MSNBC but because I’m a joke I’d fit in better at FOX or as Sarah Palin’s running mate.

And now for your weekly dose of Motivation:

Why is it that assholes always like to talk a lot of shit?

When someone claims they have thick skin, I like to stab them to see if it’s true.

If you are currently sweaty, half-naked, and drunk, chances are you are going to be on an upcoming episode of Cops.  To be certain, go outside and fire your gun into the air repeatedly.

Parents, have you ever had to explain the dead animals on the side of the road?  Just tell your kids that the animals are between jobs and napping before their next shift.

When women gain weight their boobs get bigger.  When men gain weight their penises get smaller.  This seems a little unfair.  So the next time a woman complains about having a hard time in a man’s world, I’m going to wave my penis in her face but only if she happens to have a magnifying glass.

I only have three requirements for a girlfriend.  1.  Must like fat guys.  2.  Must love my humor.  3.  Must help me rid the world of reality TV “stars”.  Sex in Old Country Buffet bathroom is optional.

When I lose a friend on Xanga, I just assume they died because we have to face facts here people, it’s not difficult to love me.

I think I’ve figured out why people think I’m a misogynist.  I don’t give good back massages.

I have onion breath.  Who wants to make out?

So they’re saying cell phones may be tied to cancer.  I wonder if this will scare people from taking photos of their genitals.

I decided to take a Zumba class at my local gym.  I’m not really participating.  I just sit in a corner and take mental pictures.

I’m planning on doing a review of women’s bathing suit trends and need you to send me photos of you wearing your swimming suit.  If you only swim nude, that’s cool too.