The first thing I look for in a woman is intelligence and if she has none then I’ll settle for sex.

The GOP claim that Obama can be beaten by anyone in 2012 so why are there only 7 potential candidates if anyone could beat him?  Why are the Republicans so fascinated with penises?  First it was Bill Clinton and now it’s Anthony Weiner.  In defense of Weiner, I took a photo of my dick and didn’t recognize it but then I’m fat and I don’t see it on a daily basis.  Rep. Weiner’s wife has been quoted as saying, “I don’t get the attention.  His dick isn’t that big of a deal.”  I just wish Weiner would apologize for stealing my dating M.O.  A compassionate person who hates gays as much as Rick Santorum will make an excellent president.  Palin compares herself to Reagan.  OK so when did Reagan quit his term as a governor to become a media whore?  Where is the Tea Party outrage over the new Republican overreaching?  The media attention Sarah Palin gets for opening her mouth is horrible.  They should be focusing on Herman Cain’s pizza making abilities.  I wish MSNBC and CNN would stop reporting about Sarah Palin unless she does something newsworthy like get a basic history fact correct.  She just said that the crack in the Liberty Bell was from when the British tried to unleash Mothra against the Americans but we got Godzilla to help us win victory.  John Huntsman is in favor of same sex unions and has taken moderate positions on other issues.  The Tea Party likes that, don’t they?  Tim Pawlenty left the state of Minnesota in a $6billion deficit, how’s that financially conservative?  Sarah Palin wears a cross while agreeing with politicians who don’t care about the sick, the poor or the elderly.

I bet some Xangans brains are lonely.

The best part of watching the MTV movie awards is that I didn’t watch them.

Does anyone know who I should contact with my idea about making alcohol infused with birth control?  I think it could make millions.  I also have an idea for a cotton candy flavored gin called Cotton Gin.  The only downside on that idea is that I’d have to have a southern flag on the bottle.  Is it too soon for a Civil War joke?  It was 150 years ago.

Can you have sex with yourself that isn’t deemed consensual?

I love the hard-hitting journalism on MTV’s True Life.  “I Have Large Breasts” should win every prize known to mankind.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

People are predicting that toy prices are going to skyrocket because the price of lead in China has skyrocketed.

My dad always said the best things in life are free.  I asked him, “What about prostitution?”  He said that the ugly ones are worth less.

I was in the bank this morning and I overheard a banker tell someone they need to start planning for the future so I started singing Christmas carols.

I wish my girlfriend played with me as much as she plays Farmville.

I’m a lazy psychic.  I can see things coming but I don’t give a shit enough to tell people.

I am now banned from my local grocery store because I was rollerblading without wearing pants in their store.  Turns out they have a strict “no rollerblading in the store” policy.

Good sex relieves all tension and the funny thing is that true love causes the tension.

Pick-up lines that don’t work:  “Do you have a shovel because I’m digging that ass?”  “I’m going to call you Sugar Maple because I’d love to tap that.”  “Weren’t you that girl on Blossom?”  “I’m not really this tall; I’m just sitting on my wallet.” (Wait that one actually does work.)

I can’t believe what I just did for a Klondike bar.  It involved jumper cables, ice, a cut-out of Boba Fett, and a bag of garlic bulbs.

A great man once told me, “Stop being a pussy, Pussy.”  Thank you, Grandpa, for making me the man I am today.

If you follow me on Twitter you'd know what I did tonight.  When it gets hot I like to eat at restaurants because I hate heating up my oven because it heats the whole house and I don't have air conditioning.  I went to a local bar and grill because their special sounded the best.  I orders a medium rare prime rib sandwich, sweet potato fries, bowl of soup, fried dill pickles, and a glass of lemonade...with tax it was about $13.  Maybe I won't speak ill of this oppressive heat.