OK this afternoon was sort of weird.  I get this phone call from this guy who wanted me to go with him to Walmart and try a new restaurant at about 4:00.  I told him I had to wait to talk with my dad about some things for this weekend and it wouldn't be until 5:15 or so.  Well it turned out he was sitting outside my house and sat there until 5:20 when I got done talking with my dad.  That was pretty creepy.  Anyway, went to Walmart, picked up the original True Grit and the new True Grit.  We went to this new Chinese restaurant and I was perplexed by an item on the buffet called tacos when in actuality it was enchiladas.  Why are there enchiladas on a Chinese buffet?  They were great but it was rather odd.  Anyway, time for the round-up.

I wrote a couple weeks ago how Whitney Houston entered rehab.  Well good news everybody, she's really committed to it and wants to stay clean.  Whitney has hired a life coach.  What exactly does a life coach do?  I picture a guy wearing a baseball hat, aviator glasses, polo shirt, and nut huggers screaming not to do drugs and then whenever Whitney has a craving he blows a whistle at her and screams that she has to run the play over and not screw it up.  A spokesperson also says Whitney is trying to resurrect her career.  That may be difficult since all the drug use has left her voice sounding like a porcupine being dragged across a chalkboard.

A member of the Cage family was taken to a mental hospital and surprisingly it wasn't Nicolas but his son, pictured here, Weston Cage.  It all started in the morning when Weston had an argument with his wife and threw things around the house and then left.  He met with his personal trainer at a restaurant in Hollywood and wanted to order some food but the personal trainer wouldn't let him.  If you ever get a job as a personal trainer for a goth whose father is a big time Hollywood star (and I can't believe I wrote that either) don't deny him food even if he orders a grilled pigeon with a side order of aborted fetuses.  Weston gave the trainer a roundhouse kick.  The trainer blocked it and took Weston down but he kept on screaming and fighting.  The police came and they threatened to tase him.  He quit fighting and police took him to the mental hospital for evaluation.  Members of the staff at the restaurant claim Weston was under the influence of some substance.  Hopefully he's in good hands and will get tamed.  I just hope the hell Dr. Drew stays away from him. 

Wow, look at Vince Vaughn.  The good news is that he's lost a lot of weight and has managed to avoid diabetes.  The bad news is that he's lost control of his bladder.

Taylor Momsen is taking her prostitots show to Germany where the legal age of consent is 14.  Well, Germany, you may keep her and you may also keep David Hasselhoff just as long as we get to keep Heidi Klum.

Suri Cruise is Imelda Marcos reincarnated.  It was revealed this week that Suri's shoe collection is in excess of $150,000 worth of shoes.  OK this is really sad to know that a 5 year old's shoe collection could buy me a hunting cabin.  An insider had this to say: "Suri has so many designer shoes. She’s a massive fan of Marc Jacobs and she’s had several shoes custom-made, so if they didn’t come with a heel, Katie had them redesigned for Suri. She commissioned a pair of Louboutins for her a while back. She cries if Katie reaches for anything but a little pair of sandals with some sort of heel.  It’s hard keeping up with a growing girl. Suri sometimes picks out the shoes her mum should wear, and then picks out shoes for her dad. They genuinely seem to value her opinion and want her to make her own decisions.”  Remember Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?  Yeah, that is totally Suri.   I think Tom and Katie are raising Suri to go on a dangerous pass.  If I'm still alive in 5 years I will be writing a story about how Suri slaps a salesman at a shoe store because they don't have her size.  The good thing is that when Suri out grows her shoes, Tom will be able to wear them because they are totally the same size.

Rumors are swirling and the internet has nearly collapsed because people are claiming that Selena Gomez may be pregnant.  She was on the Leno show the other night and after he segment she became violently ill with nausea and dizziness.  She was taken to a hospital for tests but spokespeople are remaining silent as to the test results or what caused her sickness.  So she spent a weekend alone with her teenage boyfriend in a tropical paradise.  I hope she came back with a souvenir that doesn't have a gestation period.  In her defense, she was on Leno and whenever I look at him I become violently ill.

Justin Bieber bragged this week that he was working out and was bench-pressing 120lbs.  I could bench that when I was 10 and Sean Penn's neck lifts 120lbs on a daily basis.  I have a novel idea as to how Justin could bulk up.  He should go through puberty.  Oh so I guess Selena Gomez isn't pregnant.

Russell Crowe did some drunk tweeting.  It all started when one of his followers who is expecting a baby boy asked this: " Do you think I should get him circumstanced?"  Russell replied, "Here's a life rule: if you can't spell it, don't do it."  He went on to say that circumcision is immoral and then alienated his Muslim and Jewish followers by saying that it's sexual mutilation.  I don't think it should be banned and if parents want to do it they should.  They should be given the option.  Doctors aren't forcing babies to be circumcised.  Besides there are procedures that men can do that will restore a foreskin.  You should read about Jewish men that did that during WWII to avoid being sent to concentration camps.  I was cut and I'm cool with it.  My dick doesn't look like it has a leg warmer.  But to say it makes a difference for hygiene is sort of dumb.  This is why we have Axe body spray.  I wonder if Crowe cuts his fingernails, hair, or shaves. 

Paris Hilton's new show debuted on Oxygen.  The show is called The World According to Paris or as I like to abbreviate it, T.W.A.T. Pee.  Paris and her mother appeared on The View this week to promote her show.  Barbara Walters ripped her a new one by saying how the episode showed that Paris complained about doing community service with the homeless.  Paris said that she did say how she wants to help female prisoners but that wasn't aired and Walters asked, "Why not present that side of yourself, if indeed it exists?"  After the interview Paris, her mother, and her father yelled at a producer for allowing such questions to be asked.  That doesn't seem like a difficult question.  If they wanted to give her a difficult interview they would have asked her to spell or sit with her legs closed.  Paris is unhappy with the low ratings of the show and blames Oxygen because the show premiered at a different time than when she was promised.  Oxygen has said that the show premiered as scheduled.  Maybe they are marketing T.W.A.T. Pee for what it really is, Paris' fall from relevancy.  It's going to be fun watching someone fall off the face of the world in real time.  Paris is also a horrible friend.  A few days after Kim Kardashian announced her engagement and the size of her engagement ring, 20 carats, Paris went on a radio show and said that her last engagement ring was bigger, 24 carats.  If any guy ever wants out of a relationship with Paris Hilton they now have an out.  All they have to do is propose with a ring that is 20 carats or less.  Paris' heart would be shattered and she'd break up with the guy on the spot. 

Michael J. Fox turned 50 this week.  I was going to say, "Guess what song he's playing in that photo? Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On!"  I was going to say that but I know people are sensitive to those jokes.  I lost a lot of "friends" on facebook for my story about going to a 50s style diner in Minnesota, which is sadly closed so I can't provide a link, and how I saw a photo of Michael J. Fox next to the cash register and I asked how he liked the shakes.  Come on, people, lighten up.  Maybe I have Fox Disease and I use the humor in my condition as well as his to cope with having Fox Disease.

Leonard Stern, creator of Mad Libs, died this week at the age of 88.  He will be (___verb___) and is currently (___verb ending with "ing"___) in Heaven.  May he (___verb___) in (___noun___) forever and (___noun___).

Lady Gaga was at some fashion awards show and she wore these little numbers.  I think they come from the Attention Whore clothing line.  Of course that wasn't planned.  She's not original people.  She stole that look from Miss Swan.

Ever since Kim Kardashian broke up with Reggie Bush her taste in men has declined.  She then went out with Miles Austin, a flash in the pan receiver for the Dallas Cowboys.  Now she's engaged to Kris Humphries, an NBA player who has been in the league 7 seasons and has played for 4 teams averaging 15 minutes a game and 6 points a game.  Well the back-up to the back-up safety of the New England Patriots, Brett Lockett, claims that Kim is cheating on Humphries with him.  In response Kim has threatened to sue Lockett and In Touch magazine but Lockett won't back down because he claims he has proof.  Oh god, another sex tape.  Maybe in this one she'll have another body waste on her body.  Actually he just has phone records, text messages, and photos she sent him.  Lockett says he's ready to go to court with his evidence.  Kim's lawyer has said that these accusations are an invasion of her privacy.  We're talking about Kim Kardashian here, not the Obama girls.  You can't live in front of cameras and claim your privacy is invaded.  She had cameras present when Kris Humphries proposed to her.  She even has cameras present when she has sex.  There's only one thing we haven't seen Kim Kardashian do and we won't because bathrooms have doors.

Have you ever got the feeling that Katy Perry is trying to distract us from how horrible her music is with her boobs?

Here we see Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis at the MTV Movie Awards showing off the new Mickey Mouse Club secret handshake.

Jessica Simpson has made a pre-nup for her fiance and there is a no cheating clause.  Wow, she's doing something that's actually rational.  Next we'll hear that cats and dogs are hanging out and that Muslims and Jews have patched up all their differences.  I guess she learned from her first failed marriage that pre-nups are cheaper than comfort food.  I heard that rational story and then I heard what she gave her parents for Christmas.  She gave her dad a Maybach and her mom a Porsche.  The total cost of the cars was $600,000.  Being a former child star, she should know by now that giving her parents lavish gifts won't make them love her any more.  That's want a hit album will do.

Flo Rida was arrested for DUI .  Apparently cops saw him riding in his $1.7million Bugatti and the cops were hating.  He was blew on the breathalyzer and it was twice the legal limit.  You know, if you can afford a car that is that expensive then you can afford to take a cab when you're drinking.

Dennis Rodman turned 50 this week.  Considering all he's been through in life, he looks pretty good.  I'm happy he's made it out of Dr. Drew's House of keeping addicts addicted for ratings.

Dakota Fanning graduated high school and that makes me feel really old.  Wasn't she just a little girl in I Am Sam?  I think we need those scientists to increase there efforts on their work on a syrum to make her remain that innocent little girl forever.  Well I sound pretty creepy there.

Coco and Ice T renewed their wedding vows last weekend.  This is the only wedding that matters.  It should have had more television coverage than the royal wedding.  Look at Coco in her wedding dress.  So pure...so virginal...so fap-worthy.

Here's Christina Hendricks for RaiderJester...and for me too.

Ladies, would you direct message that guy?

This is Angela Martini.  She's a model from Albania and is rumored to be Kanye West's new girlfriend.  She wore this revealing dress to a fashion awards show.  I guess in Albania it's part of their culture that they go out on the town wearing revealing dresses with no underwear.  Click the image to see what I'm talking about.

After she announced that she and Peter Brady were splitting, Adrianne Curry shut down her facebook and Twitter.  I was hoping she'd take up on Xanga but that wasn't the case because within hours of the shutdown she turned them back on and she started posting photos of herself wearing next to nothing.  She craves attention and all the photos have the same message: ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!  I'd suggest you quickly go to her Twitter and follow her.

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Betty White is truly the last member of The Golden Girls.  The guy who wrote the theme song, Andrew Gold, died this week of a heart attack at the age of 59.  Thank you for giving us a memorable theme song.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.