June 16, 2011

• Blind Date Tips

  A friend of mine asked me recently if I wouldn't mind being set up on a blind date because she was sick of reading me bitch about how I am single and forever alone.  It got me thinking of ways things I can do to make my blind date experience the best date ever.

  A girl who has the nickname “Dump Truck” might not be the best date.

  Guys, you shouldn’t have to pay because women want to be treated as equals so expect her to pick up the bill.

  You should guard your silverware and hover over your food.  This will give the allusion that you are not to be messed with and you appreciate the food your hard earned money buys.

  It’s perfectly acceptable to use a Kleenex to wipe your date’s nose.

  Guys, take a book with you on the date, preferably a mystery novel, and read it the entire time ignoring your date.  Women like a mysterious man and by ignoring her you’re making her mind work trying to figure out the basic facts about you.

  Some restaurants keep their butter on the table but you won’t be using butter.  You are too good for butter.  Ask the waiter for lard.

  Guys, ask the waiter for crayons and a paper placemat.  Girls like men who are creative.  And if they won’t give you a paper placemat, use the linen napkins.

  When a very attractive female walks by make sure you howl and whistle especially if you are a woman.  For some reason guys like to know their women like women.

  Eat food off your date’s plate.  You’d be rude to not eat more off their plate than they do.

  If your date says they will pay for the meal, lean over to the diners next to you and say, “I’ll have to work it off later.”

  Anything on the table that isn’t bolted down should be placed in your pockets.

  At the end of the meal, say you need to wash the dishes and then lick your plate clean and don’t forget to offer to lick your date’s plate.

  If your date is paying, order the most expensive item, take one bite and proclaim you are stuffed.

  Intelligent conversation is the key to a good date.  Try not to use any verbs when speaking.

  America needs to be safe from terrorist attacks.  Make sure your date isn’t a terrorist by doing a thorough investigation.

  Girls like a man who knows how to manage money so the best blind date location is McDonald’s.  Just make sure she only orders from the dollar menu.

  Strip clubs are a great location for a date.  You’d be surprised how honest someone will be when there is full nudity on display.

  If your date holds a belief contrary to yours, make sure you belittle them for holding such an asinine thought. 

  So you don’t sound too clingy, wait until the end of the date to tell the guy your ring size.

  You should be comfortable while dating so wear your pajamas and if you don’t wear pajamas, go nude because people will be more honest when there’s genetalia on display.

  Jokes always ease the tension of a date so make sure you have a copy of “Totally Tasteless Jokes” handy.  The raunchier and more racist, the better.  Tell a racist joke and if she laughs end the date immediately.  Who wants to date a racist?

  Guys, if a girl tells you that she’s cold, you better zip up your coat.  You don’t want to catch a cold.

  It’s fine if you want to see your date again.  Just find out where they live, sit outside in your car, and watch them with binoculars.

  Karaoke is a fun date idea.  Make sure you sing romantic songs like “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails or “Bitches Ain’t Shit” by Snoop Doggy Dogg.

  It’s perfectly acceptable to let your date know there are seven calories per tablespoon of semen.

  You need to have fresh breath.  Ask your date to smell your breath.  You never know who you’ll meet on your date.

  Make sure you go places that are handicapped friendly for your blind date.  You wouldn’t want her tripping over things.

  The best way to loosen up for a date is with alcohol and make sure you don’t waste a drop.  Polish off the entire bottle.

  Nothing says "hot" like wearing a v-neck t-shirt.  Make sure you have plenty of gold chains and chest hair to complete the look.

  Guys, you should wear sweatpants on your date because the greatest compliment you could give your date is a visible boner.

  If you are tired of seeing your friends hook-up with gorgeous people you need to step-up your lies and it's best to lie about money.  Just tell your date that your father invented the Mad Lib or the game under pop bottle caps.

  Gifts are appropriate for the first date and remember that women like gifts that express how you feel about them.  Black eyes are only acceptable if they match her outfit.  The best gift to get is some sort of kitchen utensil since women spend 99% of their time in the kitchen.

  Ladies, make-up can fix blemishes but it can't fix you from being a total bitch.

  If your date doesn't put out and you're looking to score, hit up a sex addiction meeting.  Those places are always a great place to pick-up a partner and an STD.

  

  

  

  I should totally write for Datingish.

  • 6:26 PM
  • 35 Comments