Fun day...I got bit by something while I was outside in the lawn and I have a golf ball sized lump on my arm.  It is throbbing and feels like it's on fire when I touch it.  I'm thinking an alien rip through my skin at any second.  I took my dad to the doctor today because he is having surgery in a couple weeks and had to take a class on what to expect and get a physical.  I love sitting in waiting rooms reading the latest issue of Successful Farming.  I now know how to properly handle a tractor on an incline.  I guess my knowledge of tractor handling came back to haunt me.  I almost bought a tractor desk chair.  How awesome would that be!  I could do vlogs wearing straw hats and overalls and I'd also be chewing on a length of wheat or smoking a corn cob pipe.  I think my vlogs would take a hit in that they'd be about the poor price of milk and declining work ethic of hired farm hands but instead of a new desk chair I bought season 1 of Breaking Bad.  After the classes my dad announced he had to go to the hospital building across the street and he was being transported by wheelchair.  He said, "Why walk like a sucker when they'll wheel me around for free?"  I decided to sit outside in the shade.  About an hour later he is wheeled up by a guy who looks like he is older than my dad.  We get the car from valet and head to a couple of shops for my mom and then head to Pizza Doctors.  That place is so great.  I didn't see the girl who asked about Xanga last time so I was upset...not that I would do anything other than ask for more pizza.  Big Mac, BLT, Macaroni and Cheese, Cajun chicken, turkey and stuffing, gyro, cheese and pretzel, ham and cheese, peanut butter and M&Ms, Reese's Pieces and peanut butter, and dirt pizzas were consumed this evening.  I think I gained about ten pounds but that Big Mac pizza is worth it.  Then my dad said he wanted to go to Best Buy because he wanted to look at TVs.  He has been asking me about HD and I've thought that since he's collecting social security and working he's got money burning in his pockets and wants to make some big item purchases before he fully retires.  We get there and he just wants to look for Law and Order DVDs.  They were too expensive and when I asked about the TVs he told me he meant to say "TV shows".  Then we drove home and he told me I was a worthless son.  Happy Father's Day!  Oh and then I found out that Google disabled my adsense because I was a little too naughty with what I post...4 YEARS AGO!  To be honest, I'm surprised I have lasted this long.  Guess it was bound to happen once I started making money with it.  Round-up!

Last week I posted a story about Nicolas Cage's son, Weston.  I was wrong but then that's because Harvey Levin was wrong.  Weston didn't attack his person trainer.  He attacked his babysitter.  One of Nicolas Cage's former assistants has been hired to keep an eye on Weston and last week Weston went missing so the babysitter was sent to look for him.  Now this babysitter apparently has a military background.  The assistant found Weston who didn't want to go home and told the assistant that he would kip the assistant's head off.  He then kicked the assistant.  Apparently Weston is a trained MMA fighter.  I think this means he plays a lot of UFC video games.  The assistant broke free and called the police and while waiting for the police, the assistant hit Weston.  When the police arrived they took Weston away for mental evaluation.  Weston said he was going to press charges for assault.  I don't know what to comment on here.  Is it Nicolas Cage's parenting stylings in that he sends one of his goons to bring his son home?  I think the obvious "duh" comment is that Nic's offspring was taken away for mental evaluation.  After they rounded up Weston they should have swung by Nic's house but then he was probably out buying dinosaur skulls.

This is Vanessa Hudgen's new ad for Candie's clothing.  Gee, I thought Candie's was making softcore porn based on their recent ads.  I'm surprised she isn't sucking on a banana with a balloon that says, "Gee-whiz, mister, how will this whole banana fit inside my mouth?"  I think Vanessa has already embraced her womanhood and no longer pretends to be a teenager.  Evidence?  She's ironing.

Here's a first look at Tom Cruise in his role in the movie Rock of Ages.  I think that someone did some photoshopping the crotchal region.  How to describe this photo?  It looks like Creed meets the cantina band from Star Wars.  I hope Xenu is pleased otherwise we're all going to need audits and barley water eye rinses.

A source close to Tom Cruise said that he gave Suri a treehouse valued at $100,000 because what 5 year old doesn't have a $100,000 treehouse.  People claim that it's not actually a treehouse but a house that has been built up on stilts and that there's a spiral staircase entrance, running water, electricity, and carpeting.  When I was a kid, I always wanted a treehouse.  I would have settled for a few boards built to resemble a shed.  I settled for a refrigerator box.  A representative for Tom Cruise denies this story.  Why deny this and not deny that Suri has a custom made pair of shoes by Louboutins that are valued at $150,000?  At least a treehouse can get years of use especially in those experimental years when you are thinking of entering the medical profession and explore the opposite sex's body...or she could just use the garage like normal people.

Taylor Momsen performed at the Heineken Festival in Italy this week.  She wore this number: a leather jacket, no bra, and electrical tape.  Oh she's so edgy!  She plays by her own rules or at least the rules in the Attention Whore PDF file that she downloaded and read while practicing her "menacing" poses in front of a mirror.  Can you imagine what it was like when she bought that tape?  Did she go to Home Depot?  "Hello, little lady, welcome to Home Depot, what can I help you with?" "I need some black electric tape."  "Oh that's in aisle three, are you using it for a science project?" "Nope, I need to cover my nipples."

Demanding decent photos to let the world know of her existence, Sasquatch Snooki has taken the Keebler Elf hostage.

I think that Shaquille O'Neal thought that once he retired from the NBA, he'd be out of the media spotlight.  No such luck.  A story surfaced this week that involved Shaq, a sex tape, a gang fight, Ray J, and the police.  BIZARRE!  In 2008 a gang member, who is a close friend to Shaq, went looking for a rival gang member to beat him up and to destroy a possible sex tape in his possession.  7 gang members confronted this man confronted the man and said they would beat him up if he didn't hand over the tape.  Well he said he'd get the tape but that wasn't good enough so the gang members beat him and stole his earrings, necklace, Rolex watch, and $15,000 in cash.  The gang members have been charged with assault and robbery.  The police investigated and Shaq's name was brought up and police investigated to see if he was a suspect but they couldn't find any direct link.  The man who has this tape, Robert Ross, has a history with Shaq.  Ross is an alleged talent finder for Shaq's record label and Ross claims to have found Ray J and had him sign with Shaq's label.  Well Shaq didn't give Ross his cut and Ross got upset.  Ross told Shaq that if he didn't pay him then he would release a sex tape that was recorded by a security camera at Ross' house.  Apparently Ross invited Shaq over to his house where Shaq had sex with multiple women and it was all captured on "security camera".  Ross told the police that the tape doesn't exist but he just used it as leverage since the security camera recycles itself.  Now here comes another twist (if there wasn't enough), at the time Ross and Shaq had their falling out, Shaq's wife, Shaunie separated from him and filed for divorce.  Shaq then hired a private investigator to follow her around and the p.i. discovered that Shaunie was having an affair with Ross.  This may sound weird but I was actually looking forward to a Shaq sex tape.  It would have made me forget how awful Kazam and Shaq-Fu were.

A spokesperson for Selena Gomez announced that she wasn't pregnant.  Good news for her otherwise she'd be singing the county blues and she'd be very black and blue because they don't take kindly to sex offenders in prison.  They claim she was having blood pressure issues and that she was malnourished.  You know I've had blood pressure issues and I've finally got it under control even if it's made me gain weight and feel constantly bloated.  My blood pressure is right where it's supposed to be but I've never displayed morning sickness.  People may have just thought that since Selena is 18 and her mom is 35 it would all make sense.  Also it makes sense that she'd be pregnant since she spent a week alone on vacation with her boyfriend where every photo they took of each other looked like they were about to have sex or just finished.  Maybe we shouldn't think she's pregnant until we see her at Babies R Us eating pickles and ice cream. 

A source close to Scarlet Johansson say that the reason why Sean Penn broke up with her was because he didn't think she was smart enough.  He was constantly belittling her lack of knowledge when it came to politics and insisted she go to school.  He also said she was a little out of her depth intellectually at the White House correspondents dinner.  Yep, I remember that dinner.  Penn took her out of the room and had sex with her.  Depth...hahaha.  She had tried to enter college in 2003 but was rejected and every time Penn suggested she go back to school it hurt her.  Sean's telling her to go to school to study politics?  What does he know other than how his lips are firmly planted on Hugo Chavez's ass and that he hires photographers to follow him around Haiti showing what a humanitarian he is?  Penn telling someone to go to school to study politics is like Lindsay Lohan telling someone they need to go to A.A. or me telling someone they need to go on a diet.  Scarlett got out just in time because Penn has some strange political views.  If she kept on dating him she'd either turn into a communist or a republican.  Aren't they the same?  COME ON!  This is Scarlet Johansson.  Look at her!  She can confuse Richard Marx with Karl Marx for all I care but just as long as she doesn't release any more Tom Waits cover songs.

This is a sneak peek at Sacha Baron Cohen's upcoming movie The Dictator.  I am very interested in this movie not because it looks like he's the offspring of Pat and Dawn Wiener Dog but because the movie is an adaptation of a book written by Saddam Hussein.

This is Rima Fakih, the current Miss USA.  She'll be Miss USA for a few more days and the people in the Miss USA competition couldn't be happier.  Apparently Rima has been a naughty girl.  Security footage of her apartment building shows that she had been out partying too late with her roommate Miss Universe.  Yes, how awesome is that, Miss USA and Miss Universe share an apartment.  They were trying to contact her because she was late for an interview.  When they arrived at her apartment they found her fast asleep and wreaking of booze.  Ever since Tara Conner, Miss USA 2006, was caught doing drugs, the Miss USA people have taken themselves seriously.  Should we?  You know I want to work for the Miss USA and Miss Universe organization because the girls apartment is right next door to the offices.  You know there are peepholes drilled into the walls.  I know I would have peepholes if I worked there and if by peepholes you mean two way mirrors and if by worked you mean sit around all day with my pants around my ankles sort of like my days now that school is over.

This is Newt Gingrich in Greece last week.  Campaign?  Screw that, I'm going to Greece.  And then all his campaign staffers quit.

Natalie Portman gave birth to a baby boy this week.  No name has been announced but I am holding out for Americus.  She's equal parts Jewish, French,and pretentious so how about the name Woody Allen Escargo Portman.  Natalie has been coy as to who the father is.  She claims it is her boyfriend, a ballet dancer she met while filming Black Swan.  It's possible but some are saying the father is Black Swan's director Darren Aronofsky.  So who would women rather sleep with: a brilliant filmmaker or a guy who wears a leotard?  I went to the bar this evening to find out.  When I told women I was a ballet dancer and wore a leotard I got no phone numbers.  When I told women I was a brilliant filmmaker I got no phone number.  I guess it's a mystery we'll never know.

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen turned 25 this week.  I'm surprised they are still alive after all their racist antics.

Looks like house arrest is really tough for Lindsay Lohan.  She threw a large BBQ this past weekend on her rooftop.  I wonder how the face of the California justice system feels since Lindsay keeps slapping it.

Last weekend Lily Allen married boyfriend Sam Cooper.  That was a sad day for me.  I think Lily has always been one of my top celebrity crushes.  She's just so...oh shut up.  I could be revealing my Xanga crush.  Anyway, Lily was also diagnosed with a case of the babies.  She is expecting.  Hopefully this pregnancy will last.  She has already lost two with Sam.  I wish them the best.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has approached Lady Gaga because they want to put her meat dress in the hall of fame.  WTF?  It's the Hall of Fame, not the Hall of Mediocrity!  A director for the hall said that the dress has become a beef jerky type material but they are painting it so it will always appear "fresh".  Forget what it looks like, they'll have to encase that in an airtight display because that has to smell rancid sort of like a cross between Amy Winehouse's breath and Rosie O'Donnell's panties.  Why would people travel to Cleveland to look at putrid and weathered beef when they can just go to Google and search for "Paris Hilton crotch shot"?

Someone close to Kirstie Alley has said that she has packed on all the weight she lost while she was on Dancing with the Stars.  That's too bad but in her defense, she wouldn't have gained it back if bacon didn't taste like bacon. 

Kim Kardashian and fiance Kris Humphries made a wedding registry at a store in Beverly Hills.  Here are a few of the items that happy couple is requesting: a $325 black nude resting statue by Lalique, $670 platinum plate by Hermes, $260 pair of ice tongs, $640 crystal decanter, $120 serving spoon, $38,000 worth of place settings, $7,850 vase, and $175 mustard jar.  Screw that...I'll just get them what I usually get most of my friends who get married...an assortment of condoms.  A story also came out that People magazine paid Kim $300,000 for exclusive rights to her proposal.  That's $300,000 just for the proposal.  They are trying get exclusive rights to the wedding and it's expected that the price will be over $1,000,000.  People may find it disgusting that a reality star with no redeeming qualities flaunts a 20 carat diamond ring and is paid $1,000,000 for exclusive photography rights to her wedding.  9.1% of unemployed Americans won't harbor resentment at all simply because they won't have enough money to buy the magazine in which the photos are printed.  There was a rumor that Kim and Kris would be getting married this weekend because people have been spotting extra film crews from E! at the Kardashian household.  OK, what is Kim famous for again?  Big butt?  Sex tape?

Kendra Wilkinson accidentally sent an x-rated photo to her gynecologist.  The gynecologist asked to see a photo of Kendra's child so Kendra went through her phone and found a current photo but her finger must have hit something and she sent a photo of her vagina to the doctor.  Who keeps nude photos of themselves on their phones?  If you do, email me your phone number with the photos.  Seriously, you keep your nude photos on your hard drive of your business computer.   Any fool could tell you that.  I guess it's not that big deal for a gynecologist to see Kendra's lady parts and it's not a big deal for anyone to see her nude photos since all they need is Google or to wait five years when she makes a guest appearance at the local strip club.

Joss Stone had an interesting week.  A plot to kidnap and murder her was foiled.  2 guys had planned on kidnapping the singer, torturing her, holding her for ransom, and then killing her were caught this week.  A security guard at Stone's house saw these two black guy's sitting in a car outside the property.  He alerted the police and when the police arrived they found the guys inside the car with swords, bungie cords, tape, bags, and satellite photos of Stone's property.  OK so why did the security guard notify the police?  I bet there are people who are screaming "racial profiling" but they were sitting in a car on private property.  How is that racial profiling?  They were apparently driving a Fiat.  If they got to Joss Stone and tied her up, how did they expect to kidnap her when this is what they were driving?  Maybe that's why they had the bags and bungie cords.  They were going to tie her to the roof.

In sad news, Hugh Hefner's pending marriage to Crystal Harris has been called off.  Apparently the 25 year old Harris came to her senses when someone told her she was going to be marrying an 85 year old man.  Now who will change his diapers?  It looks like someone forgot to stop the presses of the latest issue of Playboy.  Hef took to Twitter and said he was sad and heartbroken but Crystal told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show that Hef didn't really want to get married and only asked her because he assumed she wanted to get hitched.  Crystal said that the Playboy lifestyle is not for her and she wants to focus on her music career.  I wonder if this is coincidence but Crystal's single was released on the same day it was announced that the wedding was off.  I'm pretty sure a baby somewhere was born today that will one day marry Hef when he's 103.

Are Coco's pants sprayed on?  Those are so tight.  I think Coco's goal in life is to have a camel toe in every color of the rainbow.

Teen Mom, Amber Portwood tried to kill herself this week.  She was talking with on again/off again boyfriend Gary Shirley and she started talking about how when he found her she'd be hanging with a noose around her neck.   She hung up and then he tried to call and text but he got no answers so he was scared and rightfully so, she had overdosed on pills.  Paramedics came and rushed her to the hospital.  Amber was released today.  Amber should go on TV right now and blame Dr. Drew who is behind that Teen Mom shit.  Dr. Drew is pushing pregnant teens from dysfunctional backgrounds into the TV limelight.  THAT IS GREAT DOCTORING!  If Amber really wanted to kill herself, she would have let her boyfriend Gary be on top.  Who am I kidding?  I make him look skinny.

Yeah it looks like Adrianne Curry is handling her separation well.  People call Adrianne an attention whore but she is far from it.  She just wants to get people to wear belt buckles and watch this little known film called Star Wars.  I've seen it and I'd recommend it but not because Adrianne told me to watch it.  Hell, I'd watch something as boring as golf if she told me to.

The poster for The Avengers movie has been revealed.  We see Iron Man, Captain America, Hawkeye, The Hulk, Thor, and Black Widow.  You know that might be the greatest culmination of comic book movies in cinematic history and it looks like the guy who designed that poster is the guy who airbrushes t-shirts on the corner of Oak and Broadway in Wisconsin Dells (Google map that and check out the street view).  The good news for some about The Avengers was revealed by Mark Ruffalo.  Well the actual good news is that Mark Ruffalo will be playing Bruce Banner and The Hulk instead of Edward Norton but I digress.  Ruffalo revealed that The Hulk would be bare-ass naked in the movie.  This actually makes sense for me because I never quite understood The Hulk comics, TV show, or previous movies.  Whenever Banner turned into The Hulk his pants always got larger but his shirt always ripped.  I just never believed they made stretchy pants large enough for 12 foot tall raging monsters.

Well Britney Spears is back on tour and it appears as if she is single and ready to procreate.

Video Section:
If you have an additional half hour to spare, check out Conan O'Brien's speech at Dartmouth.

Anthony Weiner...the guys are from the Howard Stern show.  You'll know what I'm talking about when you watch it.

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The thing on my arm has sprung a leak.  I guess it's time to wake up Dr. Mom and see if I should go to the hospital.  I hope everyone is having a great weekend.