An unholy trio.  My mom asked me if I wanted to go out for supper and since it is warm again I don't want to use my oven and heat up the house and also because I'm lazy I said I'd go.  She had heard from people she worked with about this pizza place that is out in the country.  I went with my parents and we drove and drove and drove and drove.  She was right, it was out in the country.  I don't know how many Amish farms we went by but at one point we turned on to a road and there were two little Amish children; they couldn't have been more than 6 years old.  The girl was in her long dress and bonnet and was pushing a little red wheelbarrow and the boy was wearing the traditional Amish male garb and had on a straw hat.  I was going to take their photo but they don't believe in that and I didn't feel like being chased with pitchforks.  We get to the pizza place and my mom says, "I wonder where everyone is."  I read the front, "Sorry we are closed for the weekend so we can attend the county fair."  So my dad is starving and wants to eat but he can't figure out where he wants to eat so all of a sudden a lightbulb goes on inside his head while we are driving through the canoe capital of the world and we drive up to the cranberry capital of the world and on the way we went through the bicycle trail tunnel capital of the world and a town that was founded because a charlatan claimed he discovered oil and he sold up all his land to people thinking they'd strike it rich in the oil business.  We get to the cranberry capital of the world and we eat at a restaurant that is owned by a third party gubernatorial candidate in Wisconsin who also happens to the brother of a former Wisconsin governor and secretary of health and human services.  The special was prime rib.  God I love a rare prime rib.  They also had cheese soup.  Leave it to people from Wisconsin to eat cheese soup. I'm a foodie so I enjoy making the occasional beer cheese soup.  Anyway after we finished up our meal the owner came out and talked to my dad because he recognized him because my family owned a business in a neighboring town and my grandfather was one of those guys that everyone admired.  The owner said I was a big fella.  He should have just said fat and I would have ordered another prime rib.  It was awesome to shake hands with a former gubernatorial candidate.  He was a third party guy because the Republicans didn't like his ideas about marijuana.  My parents said they wanted to see what the local Culver's had for a flavor of the day and thankfully this restaurant had two flavors.  My parents got this strawberry crap and I got something called Bonfire S'Mores.  It was chocolate custard with a marshmallow swirl and had bits of chocolate, hard marshmallows like you'd find in cereal and Golden Grahams.  I got home, the Czech capital of the state, and watched Little House on the Prairie and remembered my days living in that part of the world with all the forests and mountains.  Nothing beats the mountains of south central Minnesota.  Now I'm here and I'm trying to figure out why there is blood all over my hand.

Have a great Sunday.

Well how about that?  It's time for another round up.  I really didn't do anything today other than get totally relaxed and sit in the glory of my new air conditioner.  I'm addicted.  I'm thinking of buying another for my upstairs.  OK time for the round up.

Tila Tequila did a guest appearance on the Howard Stern show this week and after her spot she came outside and posed for photographers.  If you look closely you'll notice a pearl necklace hanging from her chest.  Oddly enough that's not the first time she's been in public with a pearl necklace dangling off her chest.  Tila was also in good form.  She was showing off how she auditions for all her roles.  The weird thing is off camera there was a conductor yelling, "All aboard!  Make sure you have a ticket for this ride." 

I found this photo of Selena Gomez performing the first concert of her new tour.  Selena looks great but she's not what caught my eye.  See that guitarist.  I have that same shirt.  I should totally get my silver shirt and guitar and become a guitarist for a Disney pop singer.  It would be awesome because they always have the best drugs.

Wow, Renee Zellweger really likes coffee.  I'm not one to tell people how to spend their money but I think if she's going for a buzz from drinking all of that and because it's from Starbucks, it would be cheaper to get some meth or coke.

I have been a fan of Morrissey not only for his music but also for his bitchy attitude.  A while back he angered the Chinese by claiming that they were a subspecies.  Sometimes I think he speaks just to hear his own voice.  Well I think he did that again this week.  At a concert in Poland he shared his thoughts on the recent tragedy in Norway: "We all live in a murderous world, as the events in Norway have shown, with 97 dead [sic].  Though that is nothing compared to what happens in McDonald’s and Kentucky Fried shit every day."  Yes, Morrissey loves his animals and is a huge champion for animal rights.  We know he hates humans and loves animals more but sometimes animals don't like him.  Sometimes I feel the same way but to think fast food is worse than a massacre of children is unbelievable.  He's the type of guy who if you told him you had a headache he'd say something like, "Poor you!  Just imagine what it's like for a cow to have a drill placed through it's skull so that you can eat a steak."  I'm saying this as a fan...shut the fuck up and get fucked.  Wait, Morrissey is a vegan and has sworn off meat so I guess he can't get fucked unless he uses a tree branch.

Some random dude posed for a photo with Miley Cyrus and he is so excited that he is bleeding orange from his neck (I know I know so don't correct me).  Why is he so excited?  Miley Cyrus is an adult now so she doesn't need to be confined by a bra.  AWESOME!  I'd be excited too but it would only be noticeable with a microscope.

Lynda Carter turned 60 this week.  I bet she could beat the asses of all the fake new Wonder Woman wannabes. 

Lindsay Lohan was interviewed this week about what she wants to do now that she is a free woman.  Lindsay said she wants to get back into acting but she is only going to consider A-list roles which do not require her to be nude.  Good luck trying to find work if those are your standards.  Before she considers an A-List role she should try a role in "Chick Who Wakes Up with Cocaine in Her Hair" or "Person Not on Probation" or "Sober".  Lindsay is also being sued again.  While she was on house arrest she had a $1,100 stereo installed in her car and because she is a thief and kleptomaniac and drug addict and alcoholic who has less cash than the country of Haiti, she hasn't paid for it.  The installer sent emails to her and TMZ got a hold of them.  Lindsay claims that she is changing business managers so she wasn't able to pay but she would as soon as possible.  The installer fired this email back: "You're a RECOVERING addict who goes to the santa monica probation dept. Should I share this as well?  You're a born druggie!"  I'm sure her excuse will hold up in court because the judges know that the Lindsay keeps the key to her vault around her neck and it's so difficult for a business manager to slip the key off because Lindsay is always bent over snorting up another line of coke and if the business manager tried to write a check for Lindsay then a gypsy would curse her to become a werewolf and we all know that werewolves never pay their debts.  The good news is that after I wrote this bit Lindsay paid up.  The reason for the delay was that the only ATM that would accept her card was in North Korea.

Lady Gaga appeared on So You Think You Can Dance and Fight a Multitude of Fighters from around the World, Each with a Different Fighting Style.  So Lady Xerox has copied all she can in the music industry so she has turned to copying video games.  I can't wait to see her in concert wearing an ape suit and throwing barrels at Italian plumbers.

This is a new poster for Kristen Stewart's new live action Snow White movie.  Charlize Theron stars as the evil witch.  If I remember correctly they said Snow White was the fairest in the land and even fairer than the evil witch.  HAHAHAHA...Kristen Stewart more beautiful than Charlize Theron?  HAHAHAHA...this movie will be crap.

I really feel sorry for Kris Humphries.  His fiance, Kim Kardashian, crashed his bachelor party last weekend.  Kris was out with his future brother in law and a handful of NBA players.  They were singing karaoke at a club in Las Vegas and then Kim showed up.  10 minutes later she talked him into leaving.  Can't a guy be alone for 5 minutes without having to deal with her and all the cameras that constantly follow her?  I bet E! will play it up on The Kardashians that she heard rumors that he was cheating on her just so they can get higher ratings.  Maybe the real reason Kim showed up is she heard that the club was giving out free botox injections.  Kim also came clean this week and admitted that she suffers from psoriasis.  She had this to say: "People don't understand the pressure on me to look perfect. When I gain a pound it's in the headlines. Imagine what the tabloids would do to me if they saw all these spots!"  Pressure to be perfect from who?  Oh yeah, E! or maybe it's from the people she's tricked into thinking she's famous and flawless so to stay famous she makes up a skin disorder so that the next time she has plastic surgery she can deny it.  Red spots on the skin!  BURN HER AT THE STAKE!  Let's hope the president puts a ban on all cameras so the world won't spin off it's axis because she takes a bad photo.  As for the tabloids, they'd publish your photos which is why you sold your soul to Satan.

Katy Perry was showing off her major talent at the Smurfs premiere but she temporarily forgot that there were children present and she was promoting a children's movie.  Oh how awful!  I wonder what I'd think of her if she wasn't the demure flower I've come to know.  Yeah, I'd probably still fap to her photos.

Kat Von D broke up with Jesse James this week and the funny thing is that she announced it on Sandra Bullock's birthday so I guess she was saying "Happy Birthday, Sandra."  Remember when Kat said that Jesse was her soulmate and that they'd be together forever?  Yeah, she's pretty stupid.  I wonder if Jesse has moved on to a woman with even more tattoos.  I bet Kat also feels stupid for getting that tattoo of Jesse James.

Yep, that's how she celebrated their relationship.  She got a tattoo of a portrait of Jesse from when he was a teenager.  She claims she will keep the tattoo.  I really should have posted this in my tattoo post.

Justin Bieber and his dad went out and got matching tattoos this week.  They both got the Hebrew version of Jesus tattooed on their left side.  Here we see Justin holding his daddy's hand for support while the big bad tattoo artist sticks him.  I wonder how many of his 13 year old fans will throw temper tantrums until their parents take them to the tattoo parlor so they can get a matching tattoo.

Last week I posted about Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony divorcing.  This week this started floating around the gossip sites.  I have no comment.

NFL sometimes quarterback Jay Cutler broke up with his fiance Kristin Cavallari this week.  So he just up and quit their relationship sort of like how he quits during games.  Well his teammates knew he'd quit as did cornerbacks around the league.

A few weeks prior, Kristin did a photo shoot with Life & Style magazine where she posed with wedding dresses.  Ooops...someone fumbled that one.

Hugh Hefner's former fiance, Crystal Harris, was on the Howard Stern show and she discussed her sex life with Hef.  The one time they had sex this is how she described it: "[It lasted] like, two seconds. Then I was just over it. I was like, 'Ahh.' I was over it. I just, like, walked away. I'm not turned on by Hef. Sorry. He doesn't really take off his clothes. I've never seen Hef naked."  All she had to do was picture his penis as his checking account and her vagina as her checking account and the whole sex being a transmitting bar.  So who comes off worse in this story, the 85 year old grandfather that lasts 2 seconds or the 24 year old gold-digger who has sex with an 85 year old grandfather who lasts 2 seconds in the sack?  In Hef's defense I probably wouldn't last much longer if I had my chance with a Playmate and in her defense the smell of money overpowers the smell of Ben-Gay.  Well Hef didn't like what she had to say and needed to call her a liar via Twitter: "The sex with Crystal the first night was good enough so that I kept her over two more nights. Crystal lied about our relationship on Howard Stern but I don't know why.  When I said, "I missed a bullet" when Crystal left, I didn't mean I didn't love her. I meant I realized she really didn't love me.  I feel sorry for Crystal. She seems lost.  Crystal convinced me that she adored me. That was the first lie.  I'm happy to be in a better place with new girlfriends Anna Sophia Berglund & Shera Bechard."  Long story short...they're both dumb whores.  It doesn't matter if they had sex once or one million times.  When I hear about it I remember the time one of my cats brought a bloody mouse to me and dropped it next to me while I was in bed.  I tried to say "Oh how cute" but the site of all the blood and pulsating veins made me hurl.

Taylor Momsen turned 18 this week.  How can she be edgy now that she is legal and old?  My money is on her putting out a sex tape within a year.

Now that gay marriage is legal in New York, Dawn Wiener-dog got married.  That's right Heather Matarazzo (right) married her partner Caroline Murphy (left).  I'm happy for her.  She's had to endure quite a bit.  Hopefully this was what their wedding reception looked like.  Has anyone figured out what one of my favorite movies is?  I think I make references quite often.  I wonder what Heather said when they first were going to consummate their marriage..."Are you going to rape me now?"  God I love that movie.

Here we an ugly bag and a hand bag.  Ashley Olsen was spotted walking around New York City with a bag that people claim costs $39,000.  Oddly enough, $39,000 is how much money Kimmy Gibbler has made since Full House went off the air in 1995.  So Michelle is once again carrying Kimmy Gibbler.

I"ll take "Do Not Fuck with My Stuff, Crackhead" for $500, please.  Alex Trebek was in San Fransisco for the National Geography Bee and a burglar named Lucinda Moyers got into his room and tried to steal money and jewelery from Trebek's room. He heard her and chased after her.  During the chase, Trebek ruptured his Achilles tendon.  Hotel security caught her before she escaped.  What is the definition of the word "bad-ass"?  That is dedication right there.  He has a ruptured Achilles and he goes to host the Geography Bee on crutches.  If that was Lindsay Lohan, she'd be laid up in the hospital asking, "So if I press this button, my IV will feed me Oxycontin?  Did I die and go to Heaven?"

Adrianne Curry wore this outfit at Comic-Con.  I'm shocked she knows more characters than Princess Leia and Wonder Woman.  She dressed as Aeon Flux.  Apparently the people at Comic-Con didn't like this outfit because they escorted her out.  Hell yes, they should have escorted her out.  Just walking through that place made hundreds of nerds collapse from massive blood movement.

Larry Flynt was on Nancy Grace the other night...actually that sounds funny in and of itself.  I'd love to see Larry driving his wheelchair all over Nancy's head and throat.  Anyway, Larry said that he had been approached by numerous men asking him to get Casey Anthony to appear nude in Hustler magazine.  Larry said he had formally offered her $500,000 to pose nude.  He said he hadn't heard from her.  I know it's only a matter of time before we see her naked but I don't think Larry would offer that much money to her in this day when porn is so easily leaked on the Internet.  The sad thing is if she did pose that magazine would sell.  A majority of the copies would probably be bought up by the women protesting her acquittal so they can burn them.  Another funny thing is, Nancy Grace is Casey's biggest pimp.  She's having all these people coming on her show talking about all the money that they want to give her.  If Nancy Grace had half a brain she'd just drop anything Casey Anthony related from her network and she'd go away and be penniless but by bringing it up night in and night out she's creating more revenue sources for Anthony but then it is her right as an American to make money so let the hoe pose and I would be willing to substitute for the banana.

Amy Winehouse died...1983-2011.  I made fun of her a lot.  Can't say I didn't expect it yet I was shocked.

Video Section
Here's a trailer for the long awaited movie Battleship, which is based on the board game.  Yes, I discussed the absurdity of it all.

Well I hope everyone has a great weekend

I tried to post this last night but for some reason Xanga wasn't working for me.  I would click on Xanga and it would take minutes to load up the front page and then I'd log-in and it would take about 10 minutes just to get logged in and into my inbox and then I couldn't add an entry or edit anything.  I went to bed upset because I couldn't hear the sound of my own voice on the internet.  Well here I am and logged in and it seems that Xanga is dead or maybe it's just me.

1.  I have posted photos of wax statues in my celebrity round-ups before.  I came across this tumblr of people posing with Tom Hanks wax statues.  I am glad I don't go to wax museums because I'd feel greatly ripped off.

2.  Milhouse may be my favorite character on The Simpsons and I think it's because I relate to him so well, specifically his love life.  Well Milhouse has his moments and here they are, Everything's Coming Up Milhouse.

3.  I have quit arguing about Twilight because there is no reasoning with people who think they are vampires.  Thankfully the people at Reasoning with Vampires deal with that and dissect the Twilight novels.

4.  When I was teaching 5th and 6th grades we had DARE in my classroom.  I sat in on the classes because the cop was pretty friendly and I also had some troublemaker students that I wanted to make respected the officer.  It's surprising how much respect a kid will give a person who has a gun.  Anyway, that year Minnesota was launching a campaign of anti-meth ads.  I got so many print ads in my mailbox it was insane.  Meth abuse was horrible up there.  Then in DARE the officer had to have the kids have their parents sign a permission slip to view mugshots of methheads.  I remember all of that because I came across a collection of meth abusers' photos.  Why would people put that in their bodies?

5.  I'm always amazed by actors.  You can have someone like Tom Cruise or Will Smith who play the same character in every movie and have no range and then you can have someone like John C. Reilly who can do comedy, drama, and an awesome show.  Well here is a list of actors with great range.

6.  I remember reading the Hardy Boys in grade school and the language used in the books at that time really didn't phase me but the other day when I picked up a Hardy Boys novel and read it I had misgivings and questions.  My chief question was, were they gay.  Thanks to this wonderful site called Google, I found this article about the sexuality of the Hardy Boys and the language used therein.

7.  Do you have an extra $800,000 laying around and don't know how to use it?  Well for that price you could buy your very own town in South Dakota.  Granted it's a ghost town but it's still your very own town.  I wonder if you buy it if you can change the name.  The only drawback...it's South Dakota.

8.  In all my time of having my own mailing address, I have only for 4 years had a mailman come to my house to make deliveries.  The rest of the time I've had a P.O. box where I get my mail.  I've always wondered about those postal workers delivering my mail.  Do they walk on my grass?  Well here is a postal worker explaining about how they do their job.

9.  Here's a handy little guide for superhero fans.  It's the real and fictional addresses of superheroes living in New York City.  Next time I'm in NEw York, I'm going to those places and banging on doors to demand talking with the superhero and not the alter-ego.

10.  What the fuck has Obama done so far?

11.  What in the fuck has Obama done so far?

12.  What the fuck has Wisconsin governor Scott Walker done so far?

I would like to be loved again but I wouldn't want to suffocate.

But I have a headache.

I hate going to the beach.

I think we're exploiting our children far too early these days.  Let's just wait until they turn 18 and they have to make a tough decision when a van filled with cameramen comes rolling by.

I think they're better being insane.  But as the apostle Paul said in the book of Colossians, "Clowns frighten me."

Why is this the American dream?

It's that time again people.  Look at these tattoos and then comment in the box below.

This is Sam Shields member of your Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers.  Instead of just wearing an actual Super Bowl ring, Shields went out and got the Super Bowl ring tattooed on his neck.  Well that's nice but what is he going to do when the Packers win this year's Super Bowl and the year after that and the year after that and the year after that and the year after that and the year after that and the year after that and the year after that and the year after that and the year after that and the year after that and the year after that and the year after that?

This is the perfect tattoo for a Jesus and Superman fan.  Maybe it is a commentary that Superman is based on Jesus.

I've always wanted a pair of Jordans but I couldn't do this although a tattoo would probably be cheaper than the actual shoe.

I think a pair of Pumas would be cheaper than the tattoos.

Well it's nice that you got in on your foot because that way when they do shitty which is usually always you can cover it up with shoes or maybe a spectacular tattoo of a shoe.

I guess this one isn't so crappy other than the placement.  If you wear shoes, how can you see it?

If only people on Xanga embraced this tattoo.

Oh I'll stay gold alright, I'll also stay away from those thighs.  I don't know how I could be romantic with 4 elderly women staring at me.


I'd love to mock these tattoos but I think I'd need to get two homemade robots to help me laugh.  You know if I was getting romantic with the girl I'd have a difficult time because I'd fear that a guy and two robots would be mocking my efforts.

That's about all LeBron will be remembered for thus far into his career.

Zombie Christ will forgive your sins and then he will eat your brains.

The alien head is awesome.  It looks like a slightly deflated basketball.  Oh and the wording is a nice touch.  Did this guy have a first grader do the writing?  Seriously how is this a cool tattoo?

The perfect way to remember your friends.  Tattooing their initials on your shoulder on something that at first glance looks like a resivoir tipped condom.

I hope reading this blog is relaxing for you.  If not, we don't you have a seat.  Yes, that is a real tattoo.

Unfuckwithable....wow that is a word that I might have used when I was 14 and not to mention this is a tattoo I might have thought was worth getting when I was 14.  Way to raise the bar of society there, Junior.

Since there really isn't any worthwhile programming on TV during the summer and because I can't be in the sun or heat (stupid medicine and medical history) I have been reviewing movies.  I have always enjoyed movies with a twist and I usually go out of my way to find movies with a twist at the end.  These are some of my favorite twists in movies.  If you don't want to have anything spoiled about a movie you might want to see just go to the bottom of the post now and leave eprops. 

Some of the worst
1.  Running Scared (Paul Walker was a undercover cop all the time)
2.  Signs (the aliens are scared of water)
3.  Identity (The characters turn out to be fictional but the movie continues following them for another 30 minutes though they are not real)
4.  Stay (Near-death experience all the time)
5.  Hide and Seek (Robert De Niro is Charlie)
6.  The Game (He tries to kill himself but he lands on a giant balloon)
7.  Secret Window (Johnny Depp is John Shooter)
8.  The Forgotten (The child is abducted by aliens)
9.  Perfect Stranger (Halle Berry is the killer)
10.  The Life of David Gale (Kevin Spacey framed himself for his friend's murder in order to prove that the death penalty doesn't work)

Don't blame me if I spoiled something for you.  I gave you fair warning.

Quite easily the worst call in the history of MLB.  I can't believe I was up last night watching that.

But I love the ass.

Yeah...total coincidence.

Well I guess white people had a good run.

The Jurassic Park trilogy is going to be released on Blu-Ray.  They got Larry King to narrate on a commentary feature because he actually walked with the dinosaurs.

The only reason people on Wall Street are wary about the debt ceiling is because they’re wondering how much money they’ll get the next time they need to be bailed out.

A recent study said that breast feeding decreased the chances a child develops asthma but it increased the chances of being smothered if the mother has big boobs.

A recent study said that being optimistic reduced the chances of a stroke.  Too bad there’s nothing in this world to be optimistic about.

The Philadelphia Eagles are interested in hiring Brett Favre, not to be a back-up quarterback but to be the team photographer.

Did you realize that the WNBA is 15 years old?  I guess the reason why adult males don’t watch is because it isn’t legal yet.

Since there is no NFL or NBA, I am looking for new sports.  Soccer…HAHAHAHAHA!  Bowling…meh.  I think shouting “that’s what she said” will be my new sport of choice.  And don’t say NASCAR.  If NASCAR is considered a sport then stripping should be as well.  Things that are more challenging than NASCAR: cow tipping, licking your own elbow, autoerotic asphyxiation.

The best part about the NFL lockout being over is that there will be football once again but I’m worried that they won’t have a bus big enough to get all the players out of jail and on to the practice field.  I'm also thankful the lockout is over because I was this close to considering soccer a sport.

I was listening to the Black Eyed Peas’ song “Let’s Get Retarded in Here”.  I watched FOX News so now what do I do?

I was listening to Bryan Adams sing “Summer of 69”.  Little does he know but every summer is the summer of 69 when you’re me.

I think the reason why Smurfs are blue is because there’s only one girl Smurf.  The blue balls just spread to the rest of their bodies.

Ladies, the true test of wondering if a guy truly loves you is in your footwear.  Strap on a pair of Crocs and if your guy still wants to be with you then you have found a winner.

I think we should be fair to Republicans.  They only hate part of President Obama.  I wonder if the White House will be repossessed if we go into default.

To permanently cure the children that are featured on Super Nanny, ABC has hired Casey Anthony to be a nanny.

If there’s a Werther’s Original, was there ever a Werther’s Fake?

My girlfriend told me that I didn’t need GPS in my car because she’ll just tell me how to get to all the places she likes to go.  I also nicknamed my penis “Genius” so that my girlfriend could have a stroke of genius from time to time.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation which some may consider NSFW:

I got kicked out of the pool this past week because I noticed a lady who had excess sunblock on her breasts and I offered her 5 bucks to rub it on my back without using her hands.

I came to the realization this week that a girl is not hitting on you when she approaches you at a bar and says, “You lost a shoe and your pants are at your ankles.”

Just because there is Axe body spray it doesn’t mean that you should use it or stop bathing and use Axe instead.

I lost a staring contest with a bottle of gin and because I lost I had to drink the whole bottle.  A deal is a deal.

For some reason beer tastes better when I’m naked but it tastes even better when you’re naked and drinking beer with a naked me….I doubt that will ever work.

The best cure for a hangover is to not stop drinking.

I love the fact that girls who never gave me the time of day during high school have parked their fat asses in my friend request box on Facebook which I have lovingly call purgatory.

I saw something I don’t see every day.  I was scrounging in my raspberry plants to find any berries that the birds didn’t eat and I see an adult male riding a bike.  What’s so strange about that?  Well he was riding a BMX style bike with training wheels.  He was only wearing Speedos and was covered in what appeared to be ketchup.  Stranger yet, he was carrying a large power drill.  Why do I get the feeling that I’m going to have to testify in court after seeing that guy?

Rape and abortion are hot topics on Xanga just as the founding fathers intended.

Class, I enjoyed reading the answers to your last homework assignment.  I made notes of some of the books listed and I put them on my queue for the local library and will read them in due time.  Thank you for so many good suggestions.  You grade is an A-.  Why an A-?  Because it's hot and I'm surly.  If you argue, it will just go down.

Here's your next homework assignment:

I'm hoping this is an easy assignment and I hope all of you will participate.  I am going easy on you because of the heat and I don't like to correct when it's hot. 

Now get to work

Since I had enough people participate here are some facts about me.  Class you made me proud so here's some facts about me, Matt.

1. When I was younger I was able to slam dunk. Most people look at me and would think otherwise but being able to squat 600lbs and leg curl 300lbs helps develop the muscles needed for dunking.  I also could do a 1000lb hip sled and maxed out at 425lbs for a bench.

2. At the height of their popularity, I wore nothing but Zubaz pants.  During that year of school I don't think I owned even one pair of jeans.

3. I wear size 17(the American sizing chart, in Europe that's a size 53) for my shoes.  It is damn near impossible to buy shoes.  Most shoe stores only carry to a 12 or 13.  I have to go to a store that deals with the Wisconsin Badgers.  I remember my shoe size was always a source of rumors on the bus.  Yes, I rode the bus in high school.  I lived away from home during high school and my parents wouldn't let me have a car because they couldn't keep tabs on the car if I was away.  Anyway a group of girls asked me my height and my shoe size.  I told them and then I heard giggling and then gasps and then muffled, "I really want to see it."  I always tried to figure out their devil's math but they refused to tell me.

4. I once got drunk at a party.  A friend and I coerced our designated driver to take us to a 24 hour grocery store.  Once inside I was stumbling around.  The dd tried to get me to sit down but I screamed, "I WANT CHEESE BECAUSE I'M FROM WISCONSIN!"  The check out guy gave me one of the motorized carts and all hell broke loose.  Driving up and down the aisles screaming, "Look at me!"  My friend crashed his cart into a bread display and I started laughing so hard I cried.  It was a fun time and I think our dd broke up with her boyfriend because she realized we were the type of people he hung out with.

5. I once wrote a pamphlet detailing how to survive a zombie attack that I posted around my home town.

6. I had chicken pox three times as a child.  It has left my skin allergic to numerous things which include nickel, ink, and Ivory soap. 

7. I currently have 3 piercings, two in my left ear and my eyebrow.  I once had up to 8.  5 in the ear, eyebrow, navel and my thingee.  I worried about infection and my thingee falling off so that one came out plus it hurt to walk.  I accidentally ripped my navel piercing out and 3 of my ear piercings got really hard and my ear started growing over the studs so I took them out.

8. I enjoy movies.  I have 1126 DVDs.  Thank you Blockbuster for being unsuspecting about my rental activities and thank you to the inventor of DVD burners.

9. I admire James K. Polk.  He accomplished all his goals as president in 4 years so he didn't seek another term. 

10. I have a fear of birds.  I was divebombed while on vacation as a kid and the bird crapped all over my face.  Also, my aunt and uncle raised parrots and they would attack me.  Birds hate me so I avoid them at all costs.

11. I had 8 myspace accounts and 3 facebook accounts.  I enjoy making fake accounts even though it is against their terms.  I no longer check myspace and barely go on facebook.  I also creeped out my students with myspace because I was a member before the "boom".  I heard about it because I am such a devoted Weezer fan and Rivers Cuomo released "Tomorrow" from Annie on his so I just had to hear it.

12. The hardest thing I ever taught in my teaching career was sex ed to sophomores.  I taught it in a religion class so you can guess how we handled sex.  Anyway two jokers ask me questions that stuck with me:  "Mr. W, I'm a male and I know Jesus was a male and as a male certain things happen...well do you think Jesus ever got boners?"  "Mr. W, is S&M sinful?"  Maybe I should also include all the times I was asked if oral sex "counted".

13. I miss Hunter S Thompson and Kurt Vonnegut.

14. I was in choir for 7 semesters in college.

15. I have had 5 car accidents in my driving career.  4 of those accidents involved deer.  I think it was some karmic thing because I hunt.  When I shot my first deer, I ate its heart in the field so its spirit became a part of me.

16. I enjoy roller derby.  I think it was more of a thing for seeing women fighting in roller skates and skirts.  I dig the alternative look girls.  I also dig ladies who work on cars.  I'm weird

17.  It's 13 inches long...my forearm.

18.  It's 10 inches in circumference...my wrist

19.  This is 12 inches...my fist

20.  I wear a size 15 ring.

21.  I have 22 inch biceps and I'm sad because I haven't beat Hulk Hogan's 24 inch pythons

22.  My calf muscles are 26 inches...see #1.

I don't have much to say.  I've been trying to read through that Norwegian manifesto.  It's really...out there(?).  I woke up early for church this morning but ended up sleeping instead of going to the first service.  I thought that would be better for me because today is the annual church picnic held at a park by the lake.  There was a great chance of storms this morning but they passed over us and the service was pretty decent because a nice breeze was blowing off the lake.  The only problem was I couldn't pay attention because there was a guy fishing a few yards down from where we were.  Then a hawk started circling the lake and it would dive at the water and at the last second pull up.  I was watching that hawk like a...hawk.  Then I came home and watched Little House on the Prairie and reminisced about my time spent in that area.  I can't believe I also watch Big Brother and the Food Network Star.  FNS...there is one judge on that show that makes me want to put my fist through my TV just to shut them up.  OK I'm calm.

Now I wonder if the religious crew will believe that there just may be global warming.

The NFL Network can be so racist.

That seems like a deal but I'll pass.

Why yes, when I was baptized I got my first gun and when I was confirmed I got my first hand grenade.

That really isn't a good combination.

He's very popular with the ladies.



I never knew playing with Barbies could be so much fun.

Yep, that's pretty much what's happening.  Within a year Facebook will be Myspace.

That's how I roll.

I love Antiques Roadshow.


TRUFFLE SHUFFLE!

Yeah right...not on Caturday.

And why is Amy Winehouse garnering more news time than all the people who were murdered in Norway?

Wow, two weeks since one of these.  Not a lot is happening or maybe I just say that because more is happening in my life.  I took my cats to the vet today to get their claws trimmed.  I can't get them declawed.  Anyway they growled the whole time they were there.  It was funny.  I get them home and she goes through her regular routine of walking around the house hissing at everything.  Then I spent the rest of my day in air conditioning and didn't eve bother with Xanga.  I thought it was supposed to cool off.  I also thought this global warming thing was a hoax.  Time for the round-up.

Vannesa Hudgens cut her hair for a new movie called Gimme Shelter in which she plays a teenage girl who gets knocked up and is kicked out of her parents' house because she refuses to get an abortion.  WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA!  This has to take place in an alternate universe where Teen Mom doesn't exist because she isn't offered money to have cameras follow her around to document her pregnancy so she can get money and spend it on everything but the baby.  It also must take place in an alternate universe where boyfriends actually do pull out after they finish the night shift at Burger King and they pick their girlfriends up to talk about math and one thing leads to another and you spend the next 9 months worrying whether or not the baby is yours because your girlfriend is a lying whore....where was I?  She cut her hair.

Because Vanilla Ice is relevant he gave his thoughts on Justin Bieber this week: "I mean, I did 'Ice, Ice Baby' when I was 16. So I can kind of relate a bit. Sold over a 100 million records. And I had a weekend that lasted about three years, and I didn't know who I was, what's my purpose in life.  So my prediction about Bieber is that he's going to go through one of those weekends that lasts a few years because he's had such success as a child act.  Then something else new will come along and he'll be forgotten and he can try to put all the pieces back together, so it's going to be entertaining to watch."  Holy crap, I didn't know he was 16 when he did Ice Ice Baby.  Well I guess I was thrown because he had such a hardcore gangsta image.  The difference between Vanilla Ice and Justin Bieber is that Mr. Ice has more number one hits...1.  Sure Bieber has had numerous songs on the chart at the same time but not one has reached the top spot.  Bieber better stop, collaborate, and listen to the sage wisdom that Vanilla Ice offers.

Speaking of Justin Bieber, he's finally taking all the threats against Selena Gomez by his fans seriously.  He's scared that she might get hurt so he's hired extra bodyguards to protect her.  I think the only protection she needs to worry about can be bought at a pharmacy.  It's so obvious what Bieber is trying to do here.  He's set to drop the A-Bomb.  "Hey, Selena, there's this thing my fans who are virgins talk about all the time.  It's called 'anal sex'.  You want to try?"

Phyllis Diller turned 94 this week.  She celebrated by not falling and breaking a hip and reminding people that she is still alive.

OctoMom was caught in lies this week when she denied saying she hated babies.  In her defense, who doesn't hate babies?  In other OctoMom news...the earth is still spinning after OctoMom was seen partying with former Rock of Love contest Angelique Morgan aka Frenchie.  Why would a star such as Frenchie be seen slumming with the likes of OctoMom?  Maybe she's recruiting her to do some pizza delivery boy porn.  OctoMom has bills to pay and 14 kids to feed.  Let's just hope she doesn't feed them pizza.

They will drop the sign and the show will be called Two and a Half Inches because that's the type of humor Ashton Kutcher will bring to the table.

Mila Kunis admitted that she used a butt double for the movie Friends with Benefits.  She said that she was part of the casting and they had all these models walk in and show their butts and she was supposed to help pick which one looked most like hers.  She also said she didn't feel comfy giving away her butt when she showed side-boob in the movie.  Oh my, how conservative!  It took me two months to get a b.j. from her, who does she think she is, the queen of England?

All the drugs are finally catching up to Lindsay Lohan.  Her mind is so warped.  A magazine paid her to do a photoshoot and have a writer follow her around.  Some of the things the writer noticed was when they arrived at a restaurant there was an orange cone blocking the restaurant and Lindsay screamed to move the cone because she was Lindsay Lohan.  The weird thing about it is is that they actually moved it. During the meal/interview Lindsay discussed her sobriety while drinking glass after glass of wine.  She also kept trying to start drama with her sister or the wait staff....hmm she sounds like certain Xangans.  She also talked about how she studied ballet for years and was rather indignant that she wasn't offered a role in Black Swan.  If Casey Anthony can drown her daughter why can't I legally drown Lindsay?  Lindsay is also being sued.  Remember when Lindsay assaulted the staff member while she was in rehab?  The staff member, Dawn Holland, is suing Lindsay for $1million for mental, physical, and nervous pain and suffering.  She also claims that Dina Lohan offered her $25,000 not to file a report.  Does Lindsay even have a million dollars?  Lindsay will have to steal a good deal of necklaces to pay her if she wins the settlement.  Lindsay was interviewed by an Australian radio station this week and they asked her what she thought of her house arrest.  Here's what she said: "I enjoyed it, actually, as I was able to get a lot of work done from home, and it was very nice not to have to worry about cameras being outside."  I really am not kidding about that drowning bit.

People are claiming that 60 year old Kirstie Alley has been hitting the clubs and picking up guys in their 20s.  They are claiming that she offers to buy them a meal and then while they are eating she says that she will get them a role in a movie and then they leave.  And because I offer grades in exchange for sex and all of a sudden I'm labeled as an unfit college teacher.  Fucking double standards.

Good news everyone!  Kim Kardashian is not a vampire.

Bad news everybody!  Kim Kardashian is suing Old Navy because she claims they stole her image and used it to sell their merchandise.  Because Melissa Molinaro has black hair, brown eyes, and a tan, people said she looked like reality and porn star Kim Kardashian.  Kim was fine with this because the ads were run about 6 months ago but last month Molinaro started dating cheater and average NFL player Reggie Bush who happens to be Kim Kardashian's ex-boyfriend.  So now she sued Old Navy for $20million.  If Old Navy wanted Kim they would have hired Kim because the Kardashian family is a group of whores who will put their name on anything and take off their clothes if you rub a little money under their noses.  If you promise to get her on TV for five minutes you may get a blowjob out of it.  I was at the Dollar General today and saw they were selling those old school circus peanuts.  Kim should sue Dollar General because that candy is useless and orange and mostly made of wax.  She should also sue the New York City subway system because they stole her scent.

If a light breeze blew on Kelly Brook, it would knock her over on her back and she wouldn't be able to get up because of the massive weight on her chest.  She's sort of like a turtle in that respect.  I think I'm in love.

Jonah Hill went to the ESPYS and showed off his new body.  He dropped 40lbs.  He almost looks unrecognizable because he's no longer fat and belligerent.  He's just another victim to fall prey to Hollywood's idea of beauty.  Women like men with curves not thin men who have the hips of a 10 year old boy.  Women aren't pedophiles.  Maybe he'll be on The Office and will portray the illegitimate son of Michael Scott.  So which Jonah is hotter:  Jonah the whale or Jonah the rail?

Speaking of The Office, Jenna Fischer is pregnant and this will play into this season.  I should have written "spoiler alert" first, shouldn't I.

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have ended their marriage.  They issued this statement: "We have decided to end our marriage. This was a very difficult decision. We have come to an amicable conclusion on all matters.  It is a painful time for all involved and we appreciate the respect of our privacy at this time."  Damn right, it's painful.  After seven years of marriage to JLo, Marc Anthony deserves a medal.  I've been sick of her after I typed her name in this entry.  At a concert this week, Anthony announced to the audience that he was single and everyone started cheering.  See, I'm not the only one that hates JLo.  Apparently this has been in the works for two years because Marc was caught cheating with a flight attendant.  He begged her back and they went to counseling but something happened that made them break up.  Maybe he thought she should stay on American Idol and she didn't want to hear that.  Marc Anthony is a douche but he was married to her for seven years.  I don't know, 7 years of marriage to JLo or sticking my penis in an electrical outlet.

Oh look, Hayden Panettiere is smoking.  She's so hip and cool.  I guess she didn't pay attention in health class because it will stunt her growth when she finally hits puberty.

Emma Watson was at the premiere for the final installment of Harry Potter when she was photographed with her double.  Well not exactly.  See the guy on the left is named Cameron Adams.  He plays a character in a porn adaptation of Harry Potter.  He plays Emma's character but his name is Himmione Gainghimin and the porn movie is titled Whorrey Potter and the Sorceror's Balls.  So Emma meets her gay porn counterpart...awkward.

Elin Nordegren, Tiger Woods' ex-wife, is back on the dating scene and has been spotted dating a guy named Jamie Dingman who is the son of a billionaire.  Tiger was only a millionaire and millions don't buy a private island.  If they get married you know Elin's vagina will make an old school cash register sound once the officiant says "I now declare you man and wife."  The funny thing about her taste in men is that this Jamie Dingman used to date one of Tiger Woods' mistresses, Rachel Uchitel.  Just because she dated him doesn't mean Elin can't marry him and then divorce him and then throw half of his money in her vault.  Of course Elin is dating a guy who dated one of Tiger's mistresses.  At one point I think I dated one of Tiger's mistresses.  There's only like 5 people on earth that have no connection to a woman that Tiger banged and one of them is the Pope and the others have been on a spiritual quest in Tibet for the past decade.

David and Victoria Beckham posted photos of their baby girl this week.  They named her Harper Seven.  David claims they gave her the middle name Seven because that is his soccer number but we all know that he stole that name from George Costanza.  Two people have now stolen George's perfect name for his child.


Coco was in Miami this week so that means she was in a bikini.  So modest...so demure...so pure.  Who needs talent when you're Coco?

Here's a fun fact, Coco is the only human on earth that cannot die from drowning.  God bless you, plastic surgery!

Remember a while back when a former bodyguard of Britney Spears announced to the media that she beat her children with a belt?  Then remember a few months later when the same bodyguard said that Britney constantly tried to have sex with him?  Remember when he filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against her?  Well a few months have passed so the bodyguard, Fernando Flores, has a new Britney Spears story.  Court documents were released and Flores says that: "Spears was mentally unstable, and personally obnoxious and demanding, requiring her staff on various occasions and for no rationally discernible reasons to address her as "Jennifer" or "Queen Bee," on other occasions, Defendant Spears would cut her hair in an erratic fashion, leaving uneven and bald spots on her head.  Spears had obnoxious personal habits, such as chain smoking cigarettes, which made her smell continually of stale tobacco.  She broke wind or picked her nose unselfconsciously and unapologetically before Plaintiff (Flores) and others and she was constantly and gratuitously loud and profane in her speech.  She did not bathe for days on end, did not use deodorant, did not brush her teeth, did not fix her hair, did not wear shoes or socks."  If there weren't any "nots" in that statement then this would have been a statement issued by the department of new information.  Britney wasn't farting at the guy because an artist like Britney uses her farts for only special occasions.  She was merely fart-synching.  Remember when music artists were known more for their music because they made good music?

This is Brian Wilson.  He's a bat-shit crazy pitcher with the San Fransisco Giants.  He attended the ESPYS wearing a spandex tuxedo and ninja socks.  It's getting sort of old but he is crazy just like his namesake.

Normally Lady Gaga rips-off Madonna's act but now she decided to rip-off Bette Middler and Bette isn't taking it lightly.  For a long time now, Bette has did a routine where she dresses as a mermaid and sits in a wheelchair.  Of course Lady Gaga had to do it so she rolled out onto stage in a mermaid costume while sitting in a wheelchair.  Bette took to Twitter: I’m not sure @ladygaga knows that I’ve performed my mermaid in a wheelchair for millions of people -- and many of them are still alive...Dear @ladygaga if you think a mermaid in a wheelchair seems familiar-it's because it is!You can see it on youtube 24/7-with ME performing it...Dear @ladygaga Ive been doing singing mermaid in a wheelchair since 1980-You can keep the meat dress and the firecracker tits-mermaid's mine...Of course Gaga's little monsters chimed in and said that Bette Middler was a disrespectful cunt who need to STFU.  I have a feeling Bette is joking about this but just in case she's not, I hope Bette throws a net over Lady Gaga and has her harpooned by one of the Deadliest Catch boats.  Also I think we need to start calling Lady Gaga, Lady Xerox because her act is nothing but copies of other acts.

AnnaLynne McCord was filming a scene for the next season of 90210 at UCLA this week.  She was seen being pelted with eggs and sprayed with water.  She's a pretty good actress because that's the same face she made last year when she first saw my penis.

Looks like Adrianne Curry is still doing good after her break-up and is being consoled by friends.  She posted these photos on her Twitter this week.  You know, I think we've seen everything but her cervix.  God bless the inventor of the hand bra.

This is the poster for The Hunger Games movie.  Have you noticed that I'm anxious?

I hope everyone has a cool and safe weekend.