It's hot and I can't sleep and I have to be up in a couple of hours so I'm going to write this post.  I don't know why.  Yes, I do.  All three of you will enjoy it, that's why.

Weston Cage is proving to be crazier than his father.  Weston and his wife were arrested for domestic disturbance and violence over the weekend.  The next day they announced their plans for divorce.  The worst part is that Weston's wife is pregnant and as drinking when she attacked Weston with a wine bottle.  She admitted that she and Weston had problems in their relationship and that they are just very passionate but not crazy.  Well that's a relief...whew!  They also plan on heading to rehab.  I hope for the sake of the baby that they stay dry for the next few months or YEARS.  And Nicholas Cage is sitting back and saying, "Jesus Christ, my son is nuts."  Of course he said that after bidding at auction on another dinosaur skull.

Sylvester Stallone turned 65 this week.  I can only pray that he retires and begins collecting social security so we'll never have to put up with another Rocky movie.  And if he wants to do more acting, alright let's just hope he learned how to pronounce consonants and that Rocky is retired or dead.  Seriously, that last Rocky movie was painful.

Here is a still shot from Selena Gomez's new movie Monte Carlo.  It looks like they have a smash hit on their hands or at least I'd like to get my hands on their smash hits.  I think they really geared that movie for the specific demographic of 21-49 year old men who like to wear baggy sweatpants and sit in the corner in the back of the theater.

Rosario Dawson announced that she was going to attend Burning Man this year and she planned on making an elaborate piece of art.  Because Burning Man is held in the desert, it gets rather hot and Rosario's art display will help people beat the heat.  She plans on designing a slide that looks like a penis and people will slide down into a tent that looks like a vagina and the vagina will shoot a delightful mist of rose water on them.  Did you know that most of the people who go to Burning Man are strung out on drugs?  Hmm a giant vagina that shoots at people?  Rosario, that isn't really original.  Paris Hilton's does that but she's still attached to it but Paris' kills everything in it's path. 

You mean to tell me you've never seen a mother of 14 wearing a flag bikini and party hat?  Well, now you have.  This is exactly what the Founding Fathers had in mind when they wrote the Declaration of Independence.  Screw all that crap Glenn Beck spews about the Founding Fathers.  OCTO-MOM is what they had in mind. And she was what George Washington was refering to when he addressed Congress in 1790: "To be prepared for war is one of the most effectual means of preserving peace. And we must be prepared for women who want to visit fertility clinics because they are addicted to having children."

Natalie Portman announced the name of her son.  It's Alef Millepied.  And people think Casey Anthony is a horrible mother but at least Casey Anthony isn't as pretentious as Natalie.  OK so maybe Alef isn't that bad because it's the first letter in the Hebrew alphabet and also means "leader".  I'm not going to knock the name that much because if you drop the "e" you have the name of my favorite celebrity.  I just hope a burning bush shows up at recess when the other kids try to kick his ass.

I know I've said this a few times around Xanga but does this mean that if you are anti-gay marriage then you're pro-child murder?  Miley is a lighthouse of intelligence in the darkness of anti-gay America.  She's still a hillbilly.  "You know the world is skewed"...LOL she is so funny because this is the Miley Cyrus who is a semi-retarded whore who has only been famous for transforming 10 year old girls into pole humping harlots and she pretends to lecture America on it's justice, laws, and morals.

It appears as if Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are trying to sell denim shorts.  Nothing sells denim shorts quite like a pose that says "I'm helping my sister because she's constipated and constantly straining."

So is that Geronto-Bear behind Lindsay Lohan?  She is really old but she does have the mind of a 12 year old which sort of explains her compulsive behavior.  Yep, she's old.  She turned 25 this week.  Wow, she sure has longevity.  By now I figured she'd be stripping in a seedy strip club.  Lindsay also told us her thoughts on jail this week.  She said, "Unless you're a killer, I don't see a reason to stay there. I never hurt anyone but myself."  And when she murders someone she'll claim she was misquoted.  Writing about her has become exhausting. 

Leann Rimes tweeted this photo and now I want some mo'.  I can't rhyme because I have no patience or time.  This is why I write haikus.

Here's another photo that was taken of Leann Rimes over the July 4th holiday weekend.  She's rubbing her belly because it's filled with hot dogs and apple pie and she isn't rubbing her belly because it's constantly growling because she has an eating disorder.  So what if she only weighs 89lbs?  A lot of 10 year olds weigh that much and we don't care about them.

Lady Gaga just told us how to rid the world of her: "If you were to ask me to remove my Philip Treacy hat at a party, in truth it's the emotional and physical equivalent of requesting I remove my liver." I think she's hinting that we should aim for the head.  Removing her hat would shut off her liver but I've known a few people that lived without a functioning liver so we have to think of other ways to shut down her organs.  If we get all the gays to stop sending her their money then her heart would stop.  If we somehow could band her from any exposure to Madonna then that would be the equivalent to a .45 to the brainstem.  A new book about her is claiming that she has horrible eating disorders and goes for weeks without eating.  They also claim that her disorder is making her lupus even worse.  It has accelerated and has caused her to lose massive amounts of hair which is why she has taken to wearing so many wigs.  And on top of all this, the author claims people say she does every drug under the sun.  The real person behind the Lady Gaga character has died.  I don't know if I should be happy or sad here.

Kobayashi was not at the annual Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest this July 4th because he refused to sign an exclusive contract with the Major League Eating circuit.  He held his own hot dog eating contest and ate more hot dogs than Joey Chestnut's record of 68.  Kobayashi ate 69.  It wasn't official since it wasn't an official contest.  Yep, it was a slow week.

I really don't know what to make of this story.  On June 24th, Katt Williams' tour bus pulled into a Jack-in-the-Box restaurant.  At the same time, a retired police dog named Lester (on the left) got loose from his owners.  Lester ran toward the bus and something made him go mad and he bit at one of Katt's bodyguards twice.  The bodyguard fought back by shooting the dog dead.  Katt came running out of the bus and saw the dead dog.  The owners came running and Katt told them that he would fire the bodyguard who killed their dog.  Katt told them to wait and he went in back of his bus and brought back the Mastiff puppy on the right and presented him to the owners of Lester.  So is it pretty normal for people to carry spare puppies on tour buses?  The family was happy with the new puppy and told TMZ that they were pleased that Katt took responsibility for killing their dog and that they will never go to Jack-in-the-Box again.  I suppose they think that it was Jack-in-the-Box's fault that the dog went mad.  The police showed up and tried to investigate but no one was willing to press charges.  So I guess this was odd for me because his name is Katt Williams.  Also it just goes to show you that love is made and killed in a fast food parking lot.

Katie Holmes was in Miami this week and I think we finally know how Tom Cruise controls her mind.  It's that knob on her stomach, right? 

Remember this guy?  His name is Jeremy Jackson and as of late he's famous for his stint on Dr. Drew's Celebrity Death Trap Rehab.  His break out role was playing David Hasselhoff's character's son on Baywatch.  Well Jeremy said on a recent episode of the Rehab show that he refused to drink bottled water because it has been known to cause bisexuality.  Well maybe if you mix it with steroids and crystal meth...right, Jeremy?

@raiderjester  you don't want Courtney Love in these round-ups?  Well you now get Janice Dickinson.  You are welcome.

It was announced this week that James Spader will join the cast of The Office.  He will resume his role as the eccentric Robert California not as the new manager of the Scranton branch but as the CEO of Sabre.  Kathy Bates played the former owner and CEO, Jo Bennett, but she will be leaving to focus on her new show.  California will be hired to be the new manager but within hours of his first day he gets a promotion and then within days he takes over the company.  I can't wait and am very anxious for the new season.

I really hate Gwyneth Paltrow.  In a recent interview with a British newspaper she was asked if she liked cheese from a can.  Gwyneth said this: "I'd rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can."  There is nothing as enjoyable in this world as sitting back on your couch late at night and taking out that can of spray cheese, opening your mouth, and spraying it directly into your mouth.  Why does that seem sexual?  After reading about her being so pretentious I'm going to have to smoke crack or eat some cheese.

Daniel Radcliffe said "Expelliarmus" to alcohol because he claims that he was starting to rely on it: ""I became so reliant on [alcohol] to enjoy stuff. There were a few years there when I was just so enamored with the idea of living some sort of famous person's lifestyle that really isn't suited to me.  I'm actually enjoying the fact I can have a relationship with my girlfriend where I'm really pleasant and I'm not fucking up totally all the time.  As much as I would love to be a person that goes to parties and has a couple of drinks and has a nice time, that doesn't work for me. I do that very unsuccessfully. I'd just rather sit at home and read, or talk to somebody that makes me laugh. There's no shame in enjoying the quiet life. And that's been the realization of the past few years for me."  What he lacks in height he makes up for in maturity.  I agree with him.  There comes a time in every drunk's life when he realizes that sitting in a bar getting plastered isn't as fun as it once was and then he goes to his house and pukes in an empty pitcher after he ate raw Ramen.  Like him I'd rather sit at home and read porn and talk to my cats.

Connor Cruise was in Miami this week and he's definitely not like father like son.  I think Tom Cruise had a glib attack and his thetans are all out of whack so now he'll have to have a barley water enema while reading Dianetics.

It was announced this week that Comedy Central will be doing a roast of Charlie Sheen.  I think this will be epic.  Charlie says he has been giving people plenty of material for a roast in the past year and that nothing from his life will be off limits.  The roast will be filmed on September 10th and will be aired September 19th which happens to be the same day as the season premier of Two and a Half Men.  Hmmm which do I watch and which do I record?  Last week I mentioned how Charlie possibly made up the idea of TBS giving him a TV show.  Well it may not be made up.  People are saying that the writer behind the Adam Sandler/ Jack Nicholson movie "Anger Management" is writing a show based on Nicholson's character which will be played by Carlos.  There is no word on the title yet and people are also claiming that TBS wants to keep it secret which is odd since they promote the living shit out of their programming.  They promote it so much that you get sick of it before it even airs.  This week Charlie also announced that he will be making an appearance at the annual Gathering of Juggalos.  He said that he was down with the clown.  Charlie Sheen and ICP...wow, I'm speechless.  Either Charlie will be declared king of the juggalos by noon or natural selection will final catch up with him. 

I think people have said enough about this broad but I'll try to beat a dead horse.  She got off and will be out of jail in a few days just in time for wet t-shirt contest season.  So now I ask, if she didn't kill her kid, who did?  The real killer is out there.  I've watched Nancy Grace, Judge Jeanie, and Matlock so I'm an expert at the law.  I feel bad for Nancy Grace.  She called me up last night and asked me to kidnap a white girl with blond hair so she had something to harp on and on about ad nauseum.  She said that she recently bought several pantsuits and doesn't want a dip in her ratings before she can show them off.  Steve Hirsch, the CEO of Vivid Entertainment, contacted Casey's lawyer, Jose Baez, to offer Casey a contract to film two porn movies.  He didn't reveal how much money he'd pay her but he said that she's hot and we know she likes to party.  Let's try to pretend this won't happen.  She'll probably sign the dotted line within ten seconds of her release.  Hell I would if I had been locked up for 3 years.  I'd be down for some filmed sex at that point.  Jerry Springer has also offered money for Casey but he won't be showing her why they really called him the Sultan of Salaciousness.  No, he just wants her entire family to come to his show so they can air all their grievances.  Part of Casey's defense was that she's permanently damaged because her father allegedly child touched her and her ex-fiance said her family is bat shit crazy.  This seems like the most fitting end to the Casey Anthony plague. 

Oh poor Adrianne Curry.  She seems so shy and devastated about her recent break-up with Christopher Knight.  I don't know how she can go on living but she just shows her strong side to us via Twitter.

Well I guess Adrianne isn't shy after all.  I wonder what she'll post next.  God, I love Twitter.

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Weird Al was on Conan O'Brien this week and sang the lyrics to Conan's theme song.  Hilarity ensued.  Hey @Rob_of_the_Sky Weird Al mentioned Conan not following him.  Did you get Weird Al to follow you yet?

I hope everyone has a great weekend.