My dream woman can do the splits without spilling a drop of the shot of Jagermeister she’s holding in her belly button.  Ladies, I’m basically looking for someone who makes me laugh, makes me hard, or makes me a sandwich so give it your best shot.

It’s been so long since I’ve had sex that whenever I see a crack in the sidewalk I get horny.

Is this a Twilight Zone marathon on SyFy, or am I just watching FoxNews with the color off?

I’ve thought of getting one of those friends with benefits but it wouldn’t work even though the benefits part would be easy it’s the friends part I worry about.

You know what the world needs?  MORE SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES!

Speaker of the House is supposed to lead the House but what's sad is Boehner can't even lead his own party. Pelosi has bigger balls than him.

I was told to fuck off today.  How does one fuck off?  Does it involve rubberbands and yoga?

Girls, if a cannibal ever asks for your digits…RUN!

I’ve found out that the waterpark is a great place for my weekly bath.

Do you ever wonder if more people would attend church if churches offered a cocktail hour before and after services?

My girlfriend asked me if there was anything better in the world than a long walk on the beach.  I said, “Other than blowjobs, beer, hard liquor, porn, football, cars, and guns…no.”

I am not good at math so could someone please tell me how many threesomes I need to participate in before I have erased my ability to love.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation

I bought a new air conditioner but I don’t think it’s working properly.  Are they supposed to hiss and gurgle and whisper, “I’m going to kill you while you sleep”?

They kicked me out of the casino last night because one of my testicles slipped out of my shorts.  I don’t get the double standard; there were women all over the place with cleavage popping out of their shirts and not all of it was attractive.

If I was a porn star, my name would be Alan Thicke.

Because of the Minnesota state government shut down, many bars were unable to renew their liquor licenses so they were running out of alcohol.  This is good news for the state of Wisconsin because our tourism slogan, “Escape to Wisconsin to get completely shit-faced” finally paid off.

So the U.S. women’s soccer team lost to Japan and this may have been the only time I’ve felt bad about a group of women choking around balls.

I think Casey Anthony is the only woman in America who doesn’t have to beg a guy to wear a condom.  If she wanted to kill someone with a pacifier in their mouth then she should have went to a rave.

I was at the gas station and I found a USB key and it was filled with nude photos of a woman and some sex.  I wish I knew who the woman was not because she was hot or knew how to do things I can only dream of but because of the guy.  She looked like she was an excellent cook.

For some people, the best form of birth control is nudity.

I don’t know about you but I find it more fitting to wear my Juicy Couture sweatpants backwards.