The Jurassic Park trilogy is going to be released on Blu-Ray.  They got Larry King to narrate on a commentary feature because he actually walked with the dinosaurs.

The only reason people on Wall Street are wary about the debt ceiling is because they’re wondering how much money they’ll get the next time they need to be bailed out.

A recent study said that breast feeding decreased the chances a child develops asthma but it increased the chances of being smothered if the mother has big boobs.

A recent study said that being optimistic reduced the chances of a stroke.  Too bad there’s nothing in this world to be optimistic about.

The Philadelphia Eagles are interested in hiring Brett Favre, not to be a back-up quarterback but to be the team photographer.

Did you realize that the WNBA is 15 years old?  I guess the reason why adult males don’t watch is because it isn’t legal yet.

Since there is no NFL or NBA, I am looking for new sports.  Soccer…HAHAHAHAHA!  Bowling…meh.  I think shouting “that’s what she said” will be my new sport of choice.  And don’t say NASCAR.  If NASCAR is considered a sport then stripping should be as well.  Things that are more challenging than NASCAR: cow tipping, licking your own elbow, autoerotic asphyxiation.

The best part about the NFL lockout being over is that there will be football once again but I’m worried that they won’t have a bus big enough to get all the players out of jail and on to the practice field.  I'm also thankful the lockout is over because I was this close to considering soccer a sport.

I was listening to the Black Eyed Peas’ song “Let’s Get Retarded in Here”.  I watched FOX News so now what do I do?

I was listening to Bryan Adams sing “Summer of 69”.  Little does he know but every summer is the summer of 69 when you’re me.

I think the reason why Smurfs are blue is because there’s only one girl Smurf.  The blue balls just spread to the rest of their bodies.

Ladies, the true test of wondering if a guy truly loves you is in your footwear.  Strap on a pair of Crocs and if your guy still wants to be with you then you have found a winner.

I think we should be fair to Republicans.  They only hate part of President Obama.  I wonder if the White House will be repossessed if we go into default.

To permanently cure the children that are featured on Super Nanny, ABC has hired Casey Anthony to be a nanny.

If there’s a Werther’s Original, was there ever a Werther’s Fake?

My girlfriend told me that I didn’t need GPS in my car because she’ll just tell me how to get to all the places she likes to go.  I also nicknamed my penis “Genius” so that my girlfriend could have a stroke of genius from time to time.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation which some may consider NSFW:

I got kicked out of the pool this past week because I noticed a lady who had excess sunblock on her breasts and I offered her 5 bucks to rub it on my back without using her hands.

I came to the realization this week that a girl is not hitting on you when she approaches you at a bar and says, “You lost a shoe and your pants are at your ankles.”

Just because there is Axe body spray it doesn’t mean that you should use it or stop bathing and use Axe instead.

I lost a staring contest with a bottle of gin and because I lost I had to drink the whole bottle.  A deal is a deal.

For some reason beer tastes better when I’m naked but it tastes even better when you’re naked and drinking beer with a naked me….I doubt that will ever work.

The best cure for a hangover is to not stop drinking.

I love the fact that girls who never gave me the time of day during high school have parked their fat asses in my friend request box on Facebook which I have lovingly call purgatory.

I saw something I don’t see every day.  I was scrounging in my raspberry plants to find any berries that the birds didn’t eat and I see an adult male riding a bike.  What’s so strange about that?  Well he was riding a BMX style bike with training wheels.  He was only wearing Speedos and was covered in what appeared to be ketchup.  Stranger yet, he was carrying a large power drill.  Why do I get the feeling that I’m going to have to testify in court after seeing that guy?

Rape and abortion are hot topics on Xanga just as the founding fathers intended.